Deliberately doing the opposite to your parents

[PapaEachPeach]

Do you have at least one thing that you think your parents did wrong - which you feel definitely had an effect on you growing up? And because of this are you trying your absolute damnedest to do the exact opposite with your own DC?

My father was a complete workaholic, all his self esteem was wrapped up in his job, and to him work was everything. He really looked down on people without a "career". It consumed his entire life to the point that I feel like my mum was a single parent for most of my childhood.

This has affected me so much that now I am a dad myself, I have deliberately quit my job so that I can spend more time with my kids. Perhaps this is an overreaction too far the other way, but that is what tends to happen when you're determined not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

And the massive massive irony is that the only reason I can afford to have time out of work like this, is because my dad died young and left me a sizeable inheritance - built up from his lifetime of work. So his obsession with work has directly funded my ability to stop work. He would be turning in his grave.

Is anyone else determined to do some things differently to their own parents?

Smacking - they did, we don't
Vegetables - I grew up eating only peas and carrots, there is no veg that we won't put on our son's plate
Attitude to work too - I barely saw my dad, now we work as little as possible to spend as much time with him as we can.

Making parenting choices based on "principles" (either admiration or rejection of elders) not practicality.

Which could be a bit of an oxymoron, couldn't it?

...except I'm doing it to be practical as I remember so much drama and stress coming from decisions made based on other people's ideas not the child/income/location/situation actually there. I'd rather just try the most obvious things that work.

Food - ate crap from Tin growing up v variety of everything now

Opinions - growing up the parent was always right, with our we apologise if we weren't right and ask opinions

Work - opposite from above. We like to show hard work and commitment, and how this helps us. Growing up we were always super poor and parents generally lazy

Another one for smacking- they did I won't

Other than that though I would want to be just the kind of parent they were, and for me and dd to have a similar relationship as I do with dm apart from the horrific teenage years when I was awful to her

DM leant heavily on me for emotional support. I would never share with my girls the things she shared with me

One natural opposite (just fact - not design) ... female breadwinner who does a lot of the "logical" stuff, dad has more flexible work. Quite happy about that - society/advertising/Hollywood give a little girl enough of the opposite role model, it's lucky we happen to be the reverse.
But that was the case pre pregnancy, so not a parenting decision.

Work is an issue here too. I want my DD to know she always comes first. And I want to actually be there for her, at least some of the time. I used to get told off if I was ill and couldn't go to school - they were far too busy with work to drop me at grandparents or, god forbid, take time off to look after me. My stepmother once slapped me in the car when I got sent home from school with a throat infection. I was on my own at home after school till about 7 most nights from age 12/13. I just can't imagine doing that to my DD. Tbh, it's only since having her that I've really thought about all this and how shitty it was.

As the eldest of 4 children with 2 shift working parents, I was a substitute parent from about age 11. This was partly my choice as I was fed up with the lazy babysitters that came to look after us. My parents worked hard to provide the best for us, but I think that perhaps the burden of responsibility placed on my shoulders from a young age until I left home was too much. My parents were not always there after school or for school events it was always work work work.
I decided to work part time and around school hours so that I can be around for my DCs. I realise I am lucky to have a job that allows me the flexibility to do this. I have probably suffered career wise and financially but I wanted to do things differently.

I wasn't really allowed to play sport. - My 3 all have a sport they're really committed to.

Always forced to eat at the table - I've banned eating at the table :) I refuse to do it anymore.

HeyMickey - what kind of emotional support do you mean?

(How do I know if I'm doing that to my DC)

smacking - they did, we don't
say I love you to the dc - they didn't, we do
allow each dc to have their own opinions/beliefs - they frowned upon it - we encourage it
buying fizzy drinks, crisps and sweets - they did regularly, we just don't ever

Getting shipped to my grandmother's every weekend so my parents could go out.

Im not saying I won't ever do it but it won't be every weekend and it certainly won't be to a smoke filled freezing house where she will have to sleep on the floor

I think of my mum as a textbook for how not to parent.

Things she did that I will try very hard not to: smacking, openly invading children's privacy, making fun of them, calling them "chubby"(even though I don't think I ever was), instilling "good manners" above standing up for yourself, burdening them with the parent's emotional baggage, etc

Feel a bit thinking about it

I don't ever recall my mother setting foot in my school playground or, when at secondary school, accompanying me to a medical/dental appointment.
Such was their obsession with living in a detached house in the middle of nowhere, their mortgage was huge and my mother returned to work f/t when I was 11 weeks old.
I got the school taxi as an 'act of grace' passenger. When my brother started there was no room for him so he travelled to a different primary with my mother every morning.

We've deliberately chosen to buy a bog standard semi detached house in a thriving village, which we can manage (just) on one salary. I take my eldest to school every morning and the middle one to its feeder preschool. I go to special assemblies and sports days. Dcs' friends pop round regularly and I know who their parents are.

This thread has really got me thinking. Also feeling a bit hmmm about it. I've remembered all sorts of occasions that have made me sad. Aged about ten, being shouted at by my dad as he took me to my granny's for the day because I wasn't well and couldn't go to school. The detour made him late for work. Funny, because I had otherwise loving, liberal parents. They just had this massive blind spot that work, earning lots, nice cars, etc, we're hugely important. More so than ever making it to assembly, taking us on days out in the school holidays, picking us up from clubs, having friends back for tea, whatever.

Anyway, thinking about all this has led to a lot of soul-searching in our house. We already knew we wanted to do it differently and he there for our DD. But it's really reinforced that and made us think about how we absolutely make sure it happens.

I'm hmm for the opposite reason.

So many childhood decisions were made by one of my parents to be "modern" and "perfect" not like their elders. Rather than being child - led.

Things like being forced to do a huge range of hobbies so I was very tired (they were unsupported in theirs), excessive interest in school so it got a bit embarrassing -pushy - parent, sooo many healthy eating rules (unless it was trendy adventurous food) that one sibling is a bit obsessed...
Seeing my mum's (child friendly) career stall as the burden of the perfect parenting fell on her in practical terms and then seeing her called a bad example/bad feminist because of the stalled career.
Many of the areas of my childhood that I found truly upsetting were set in reacting to perceived problems from their parents, or trying to be perfect middle class parents when income/work meant it was impractical and anyway not making us kids happy. All I got from baller was a broken foot and I hate piano.

Hence the main/only thing as I said before, is that I wont make choices based on being "opposite" to things I didn't like as a child or trends. Or being the perfect MN/NCT naice mum. I will try to make them on circumstance.

Funny how we look back on our childhood and the one main issue seems to be parents not being there for thier kids, due to work or other reasons. No one looks back and says I resent my parents cause they didn't buy me a pony/ latest trainers/ fancy holidays/ big house. It is really worth thinking about and makes you realise exactly what is important to children.

My parents involved my sister and I in every disagreement they ever had- my sister on my Mum's side, and me expected to support my Dad. Utterly destructive to all the relationships concerned.

I will NEVER make DD feel like that.

I think as parents we can easily get wrapped up in the stresses of life. I am going to try hard to remember these posts, consider my children more and slow down

shebird Absolutely agree.
I had a father who worked shifts and a mother who worked full time and had a very busy social life with church, amdram and a host of other interests.
I had a very large chore list from about 11 years old including getting dinner ready every day for when mum got home and general housework.They were both far too busy or tired to notice what I was up to and it wasn't good.
I've never worked more than very part time since having DC, I make sure they know how to do chores but they are not expected to do all the cleaning and cooking like I was.

Great post squizita

Part of the reason for my OP was that I was aware that it is all too easy to rail against perceived injustices from your childhood, and shift the balance too far in the opposite direction in a misguided attempt to make sure your children don't "suffer" like you did.

I need to always remember that and make sure I don't ever make decisions based solely the failings of my dad, but on the current and future needs of my own DC.

You are joking surely? What on earth is wrong with eating (together) at a table Mshellshocked ?Obviously not being totally rigid about it (we often used to have Sunday supper on our laps -in front of Time Team-when my children were younger) But sitting round the table together, talking about your day, without the TV on , is I think one of the 'cornerstones' of family life.

There was never enough money at the end of the month growing up. The money got used up very swiftly after pay day. On things like takeaways and expensive appliances and clothes that weren't needed.
I had to get a job at 13 so I had dinner money. Too embarrassed to get free school dinners.
I'm pretty tight now because of that and I'm working really hard on being financially stable so my children won't need to worry about running out of food.

I'll always make sure my children are clean and they have clean clothes to wear.
I'll always make sure our home is clean and tidy so they aren't embarrassed to bring friends round.
They will be fed healthy wholesome good and not frozen junk from Iceland or the takeaway.

Some of the things that happened to me growing up have had long lasting effects in the way I feel about myself and what I deserve. I hope my children will grow up feeling safe and secure.

Shebird: I agree with you.

I'm not sure that dropping DCs at breakfast club at 7.30am and picking them up at 6pm is beneficial to them.
Though many justify it by saying it instills a work ethic into the DCs.

Smacking here too-haven't done it and hope I never do.

Birthdays, holidays and family occasions were very OTT and exhausting and stressful, having so much to do to make things bigger and better. We try to keep things smaller and casual.

We had loads of extracurricular activities, often having a heavy schedule to juggle. DD is young but apart from swimming, we're not pushing a lot. Ballet is not "necessary" for little girls.

Toys. We had tons, bordering on excessive. I just can't with clutter.