Deliberately doing the opposite to your parents

[PapaEachPeach]

Do you have at least one thing that you think your parents did wrong - which you feel definitely had an effect on you growing up? And because of this are you trying your absolute damnedest to do the exact opposite with your own DC?

My father was a complete workaholic, all his self esteem was wrapped up in his job, and to him work was everything. He really looked down on people without a "career". It consumed his entire life to the point that I feel like my mum was a single parent for most of my childhood.

This has affected me so much that now I am a dad myself, I have deliberately quit my job so that I can spend more time with my kids. Perhaps this is an overreaction too far the other way, but that is what tends to happen when you're determined not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

And the massive massive irony is that the only reason I can afford to have time out of work like this, is because my dad died young and left me a sizeable inheritance - built up from his lifetime of work. So his obsession with work has directly funded my ability to stop work. He would be turning in his grave.

Is anyone else determined to do some things differently to their own parents?

I'm not sure that dropping DCs at breakfast club at 7.30am and picking them up at 6pm is beneficial to them.Though many justify it by saying it instills a work ethic into the DCs.

It would have been more beneficial for me to have gone to breakfast and afterschool club than being at home with my mum.
I suspect if she hadn't have given up her job to be a sahm she would have been much happier and that would have been much better for me too.

Yep.
If my mum hadn't had to pass up opportunity after opportunity because she had to be back by 4pm I don't think she or I would be worse off.
Maybe my dad would have had to learn some practical stuff.

Both DP and I felt there were rather too many Victorian-style child rearing relics around in our childhoods - we certainly listen very attentively to our DC and help them gather the right information to take informed decisions based on modern realities.

I agree OP. While it is useful to learn from the past it would be wrong to let our personal childhood experiences overshadow the present.

I am also aware that these were different times and pressures and expectations were different. My parents had to work full time to provide for 4 children. I grew up in a time of high taxes, high interest rates and huge unemployment. Jobs were like gold dust and it took two people working full time to provide the take home pay of one person.

My parents have never said they loved me. I tell my DC I love them all the time! Because I do and I don't know how anyone resists telling their children this.

Mind you, I'm a terrible working parent (DH and I commute 60 miles) so my children go to breakfast and after-school club three times a week. Perhaps they will grow up hating me for this? Or appreciate that because of this they have had lots of nice opportunities? Who knows?

Smacking. They did, we don't.

Clean your plate. Again, they did, we don't. I've tried to un-train myself to clean my plate because I am overweight, but not had too much success.

I can't really cite what my parents did or didn't do to make me feel this way, but I definitely felt that they only loved me if I was doing well in school. I make sure to tell DD that I love her and will never be disappointed in her, no matter what.

My DM was very interested in how I dressed, wore my hair, etc, into my teens. I'm already letting DD wear the outfit she picks even if I don't like it (she's 2.5). She likes to wear red and purple together. I'm not planning to fight on any appearance-related things except for permanent changes (no tattoos, but makeup, hair coloring, and hair style are up to her, since makeup washes off and hair grows out).

I remember my DM saying I couldn't have electronic toys because "those are for boys". There are no toys that are only for one gender in our house. We're expecting a DS in July, and if he someday wants to play dress-up with his sister's clothes, the answer is yes.

My DM was determined that my sister and I should go to church every week during the school year. I've converted to Judaism. People who are post bar-mitzvah age (13 or older) get to decide their own level of religious observance, if any, at least so far as that does not interfere in anyone else's choice of observance level (ie, having bacon cheeseburgers in the house isn't OK, because we have kosher dishes, but having them out at a restaurant would be OK)

The religious observance that did happen in our household was mostly of the "dress up, get up early on Sunday, and sit still for this service" type. I'm trying to make sure my DD's experience with Judaism is a lot less of that and a lot more fun. We're not doing a lot of the "you can't do this or that because it's Shabbat" type stuff.

Smoking! I grew up in the eighties where the risks of passive smoking and the terrible effect it had on health was not widely publicized or ignored
I can even remember a time when smoking was allowed on planes and my brother and I would plead to sit in the non smoking section! Imagine that today? Thankfully they have both long given up.
I realise this may make them sound dreadful parents but other than that I was very fortunate and I have a very close relationship with both parents. For who I am and what I have today I owe to them and I hope I can do the same for DS.

Smacking: my parents did, I don't
Over-investment in academic and other achievement: I try to focus on my children trying their hardest, being a good friend, being helpful, enjoying learning, rather than results. (I remember sobbing when I got one B at GCSE amongst the remaining A*s and As because I had "let myself and my parents down")
Pets: was never allowed pets as a child. We have quite a few and the children love them.
Opinions: I wasn't allowed one as a child. I encourage my children to think freely and discuss this. Similar, we talk over dinner (speaking at the table was banned when I was little)
Saying I love you: parents rarely did, I tell my children, and hopefully show them, all the time, how much I love them.
Hugs: my parents didn't. We do. LOADS.
After school activities: as a child my life was like a military operation. I never had "play time". My kids do barely any weekly scheduled activities. I want them to have time to enjoy being children.

And finally, I grew up hearing my mum moan on and on about my dad (who she worked with/for) and how unhappy she was, and how he didn't give her enough money etc etc etc. Financial independence was hugely important to me, and I also want my children to learn that they can be independent, have a reasonable standard of living, purely as a result of their own hard work. It's pretty good since I ended up divorced and a single mother with an exH who disappeared rather than pay child maintenance!!! So my children have seen me study a lot for post grad/professional qualifications, and work hard. I hope this is something they will appreciate fully in time, but maybe it will be something they decide to do "completely differently" when/if they have families of their own?

Argue in front of 4yo ds. We bicker a lot but don't argue like my parents did, full blown screaming matches. It was utterly awful. And it took them hours or days to make up sometimes. We try to make sure we don't shout at each other in front of ds and we never go longer than an hour or so without speaking. In fact we rarely argue.

Just wanted to say OP, and all others here, I think you've done a great thing reflecting on your own childhood and making sure history doesn't repeat itself. That's quite a noble and sometimes difficult thing to do
For me, my mum was really wonderful but I do believe she let us see too much. She relied heavily on us, particularly me I feel, for emotional and relationship support, to the point that I often felt like her partner, not daughter.
I also have never once in my life heard her apologise, even when there was something really quite obvious she had done something wrong. It's something I'm very very aware of and don't want to repeat.

My parents let me ride in a car without a car seat. I remember being in the back of a station wagon or van without even a seatbelt. That's illegal now, and with good reason in my opinion. My best friend in third grade broke her elbow riding unrestrained in a van. I don't even think there was an accident- just a too-sharp turn or sudden stop.

I never wore a bike helmet. My best friend in middle school (not the same one who broke her elbow in the van) got a concussion falling off her bike without a helmet. DD has a helmet to wear when she rides on her tricycle.

Oh yes, smoking! Even now, my mum has COPD and can't see the problem. Anyway...

Activities: I was only allowed to things my mother considered to be academically improving. I was also overweight so mum also said I couldn't do sports because I was too fat My dc can try all sorts of things.

Religion: I was coerced into following my parents' religion to the point where I was forbidden from participating in any activity that might have got in the way of their worship. My dc aren't being brought up as anything.

Work: I wanted my mum to work when I was younger. I was jealous of the families who made a point of doing stuff at the weekend because both parents were working. We did nothing (barring religious observance above!). Plus, I could see my mum was bored and unfulfilled. And my friends' families seemed to have more money. Either that or maybe they prioritised spending on their dc a little more.

Clothes: I was overweight and my parents never made an effort to find me anything nice to wear: I wore what fitted. Not only are my children not overweight (I have ensured their diet is better and we are much, much more active than I ever was a child) they wear nice clothes that they like. Unlike my parents, if they need something, I don't find the cheapest, furthest off the mark version: I get the best we can afford. My parents were certainly not poor - quite the opposite - but they were spectacularly mean.

Later down the line they will be allowed to study whatever subjects they like at school/college/university.

Don't want to sound smug but no, I can't think of anything that my parents did that makes me think 'I would never do that'. In fact I would say my parents, especially my mother, were/are better parents than I am. .

I had a very happy childhood, I have lovely memories. I do recall being smacked once (when I was very cheeky) and obviously teenage rows and such like, but nothing hideous and now I have a teenager myself I can fully sympathise with my parents. .

My parents weren't married and I had quite an untraditional family unit, and that has made me very determined to do things the old fashioned 'proper' way.

Being rewarded for clearing our plates. I know my mum had the best of intentions but it taught me to ignore my own appetite and now I always overeat, as I associate it with positivity.

Eating junk. It worries me that it's 'normal' to eat junk food.

My mum had hypochondriasis-by-proxy, if that's a thing. Every single illness or injury I had as a child resulted in a trip to the emergency department or, at the very least, the GP. This lead me to having a very skewed idea of how to manage illness in a socially acceptable/appropriate way which I think I've only just come to grips with in the past 10 years or so. Ironically, I'm now an HCP but mum's over-protectiveness, plus my inside knowledge of pressures on the NHS, mean my DCs would have to be practically dying with limbs falling off before I'd seek medical help. I really have to think very hard when they're ill about an appropriate course of action.

Conversely to others on this thread, mum was a working single parent, and I was in nursery full time from the age of six weeks old (yes, weeks), went to school holiday care and had wrap-around care five days a week once at school. I was then a latch-key kid from the age of 12 and have nothing but brilliant memories of all of the above. I had a great time in all the childcare settings I was in, learned to be very self-directed with study, and loved the independence of being home by myself. The time I then spent with mum was quality, not quantity, and we're still very close (she lives in a granny flat in our garden) so I have no issues with doing the same with my DCs.

Manchester urgh to improving hobbies. And un - trendy clothes as if it's a virtue. Been there...

Lol, well my parents were liberal hippy types so I'm rebelling by being normal/ mainstream.

My son will have branded clothing. And can eat what he likes within reason and without a lecture about international food economics.

I will encourage him to think about his future earning potential, as it turns out that 'doing what interests you' doesn't pay many bills when what interests you is lying around reading.

And yes, no sharing of adult emotional problems or serious arguments in front of kids. I don't agree with it.

My dad considered university to be a rebellion: he genuinely thought that you only did post-16 qualifications if you didn't do well in your GCSEs. The summer between school and sixth form was utterly miserable as a result: when we did speak, all we did was argue.

So there's another one: I will ensure that I understand current practice for education/choices etc etc.

I will take an interest in my dcs achievements, read to them and look at school assignments they're proud of and give praise! I will hug, kiss & say I love you.

My mum was around (worked school hours) but I have no recollection of her reading or showing interest. If I did well in something she would ask (snidely) how others in the class compared, as if she couldn't believe I'd done anything good.

He literally can't praise us, even now. I will always remember turning around on my wedding day, the first time she'd seen me in my dress / veil etc and she literally made no comment / reference. That's not what happens in the movies! I was gutted to be honest but she's always been that way. If she touches me now I flinch because affection just isn't done.

I just don't why, I cat resistor kissing my DS's chubby cheeks