When DS1 cries with frustation, I want to hit him :-(

[NotQuiteCockney]

I know I've dealt badly with this before, but I really realised today, I cannot cope with him crying with frustration. I get really really angry.

I didn't hit him, but I did get shouty. Oddly enough, this didn't help him calm down.

How do I stop having such a strong bad reaction to this? I realise, logically, that he if he's upset about this sort of thing, he needs (and deserves!) attention, patience and a hug. How do I keep myself from getting angry?

I'm sorry, I don't know the full story (how old your child is etc). Is it possible for you to go to a different room for a few moments to calm down? Can someone else take over for a few minutes whilst you get a glass of water?

He's 5.

Hmmm, maybe taking a break would be good.

I think I'd be more understanding with a younger child - I think I've only run into this problem in the last year or two.

Gosh!

I think you need to try and work out why it makes you so angry.

I don't think that is a typical kind of response to this type of issue and you need to work out why it sets you all ajangle.

In the meantime could you try and kind of head it off, by walking away when he seems to be heading that way?

5 is still so very little really - he still needs cuddles, comfort and reassurance when his feelings get too much for him to handle. I suspect that he finds the loss of control really scary!

walking away or cleaning up etc is usually what i try and do, put the radio on loud anything to distract yourself and him. i can sympathise

hmm my ds (about to be 5) has a tendency to do this and it does wind me up

we did a chart a couple of months ago where we split the day into 3 bits - morning (before school), after pick up and bedtime and if he could manage not to scream in frustration but use words to explain why he was upset, he got a smiley sticker.

it did work quite well and I think we are getting to the stage again now (he is tired from school aswell which doesn't help) where we are going to try it again

I also think it is worth sitting down with him, when he is calm, and explaining that you do understand why he cries with frustration but it is better if he can explain it to you with words (if that makes sense). You have to nip it in the bud quite quickly so if you see a situation about to happen where he would normally scream, you nip in and say 'wait' - 'let's talk about why you are getting worked up' or something like that

NQC - i understand completely and have the same reaction sometimes... no advice really, just wanted to say youre not a wierdo.

would be interested to hear of any good advice on this actually.

(btw- i usually do the 'take a break' approach if i can and deep breaths etc. nothing you wont have already tried.)

it would be good to find a way not to get angry rather than find ways to deal with the anger, wouldnt it?

hmmm

why, nqc? do you know?

are you angry cos he's frustrated, or is it the tenor of the cry or something (my dd is like this, she has a cry that can clear rooms)

Do you also get upset when your other ds cries in frustration? Is frustration the trigger, IYSWIM?

do you find it frustrating that he is crying out of frustration? does he take after you in this respect, perhaps, and is that why it gets on your tits so much?
(for the record i am talking off the top of my head/out of my backside - dd is only 10 months old. but i do dread her picking up my bad habits/personality traits as i can only imagine that seeing her behave like i do will magnify my behaviour rather than minimise it.)
good luck anyway, it sounds crummy. can you try saying 'mummy has to leave the room now' or would that make things worse?

I'm pretty sure I know why my reaction is anger ... I'm pretty sure it was my parents' reaction to the same behaviour from me .

This isn't something I've really thought through.

It isn't something he does very often, but when he does, it goes very wrong. Probably worse today because I am tired, not feeling very well, and feeling sorry for myself (half term, builders, etc etc).

The specific circumstances: we were getting ready to go to a birthday party. In a bit of a hurry (mistake #1). I got out a nice card, he said he wanted to draw on it, which he did. He wrote his name.

Then he wanted to write "love from", which I wrote out on another piece of paper for him to copy. He wrote it out after his name.

I pointed out that it wasn't in the right place (mistake #2). He was concerned, so I scribbled over it (mistake #3). He was unhappy about the scribble, and wanted the whole thing to go away, and got upset.

I explained that it was pen, and couldn't be got rid of, but it was ok. He got more upset. I got angry (mistake #3).

Then he got more upset, I got more angry. Etc.

My 4 yo ds cries with frustration and can't take losing or being told "no" basically. I walk away at that point sighing deeply I try to talk to him about why I say no or whatever it was that has frustrated/upset him and ask him how he was feeling. He does snap put of it quickly though which is a blessing and comes to me for a hug which he gets without asking as his face is so blotchy .

yes foxinsocks. all good points.

i do encourage them to use words as 'i cant help if i dont know what you want'... youre right tho that the approach needs explaining when theyre calm so that you can quickly remind them of the conversation when they are starting to spiral out of control. once they lose it, its too late

I don't get upset out of frustration. I do everything I can do to avoid frustration, come to think of it.

I'm hoping that working this out will help me stop doing it. I want to stop being angry.

Of course he deserves sympathy and understanding, not anger. I'd rather not encourage crying out of frustration, but I don't think shouting at him is a good thing at all.

I feel like this about ds1 sometimes too (he's 4), there's a particular kind of "just-about-keeping-the-lid-on-frustrated-rage" crying he does which seems to be catching somehow, I feel the frustration myself and it makes me want to smash windows . I've never hit him either, but I feel guilty about the bad reaction it gives me. Oddly enough I think it's a form of empathy - I feel his joy and enthusiasm very keenly too. We're very similar in temperament I think. Is this the case with you and your ds1?

I agree with those who say that the best thing to do it to recognise that you're getting riled, leave the room, have a cup of tea or something, or some fresh air. After that I generally try and go back and help him solve his problem rationally so we can both stop feeling lousy

When you get frustrated, how do you react and do you do this in front of your ds?

My ds has started to show his frustration by shouting or 'huffing' or throwing things to one side quite abruptly and I realised that this is sometimes how I behave without thinking about it Now I've started being more concious of how i handle things I'm finding he's calming down a bit more. I also try and be very calm with him when he's getting like that and trying to explain how it won't help etc.

Walking away from the situation to help yourself calm down is a good idea and it certainly works for me.

It is a hard thing to deal with and you shouldn't be hard on yourself cause the fact that you want to do something about it shows how caring you are.

ah. cross posted.

sounds like you know exactly how it got all shouty; you spelled it out for us.

give yourself a break and chalk itt up to experience. youre tired and youre human.

I feel something of this too, sometimes, NQC. For me, I can't bear it that DS is needlessly distressed (frustation isn't like a hurt knee), and because I can't bear him to be in distress, I feel a momentary anger fleeting through me which is me 'projecting' my feeling that I can't so anything to alleviate his distress, which is what I want to do. I just remind myself that it isn't his fault that i am upset at his distress, and make a pro-active move to approach him positively over whatever the problem is, to break the dynamic.

There may be something in what Alfred says, too.

I should be hugging him, giving sympathy, telling him it's ok.

I have gotten angry about this before, and I fear it may be why he's sometimes got an "I can't do that" attitude. Ugh.

At least I'm realising it.

I did take a good line briefly today, encouraging him to try to turn the scribble into a drawing of something. But I didn't have the enthusiasm to really pull it off.

Sorry - slow thinking ab=nd typing - cross-posted with all your last posts, NQC.

Sounds like you have worked it out!

blu - i dont think ive ever seen anything youve written on here that i didnt think was reasonable and insightful and generally rather good. which is nice, huh?

now you mention it, the projection thing is definately playing a part in the dynamics in our house too.

Oooh, lots of good points, and lots of things to think about.

Yes, part of it is probably me feeling his frustation. I hate that I can't fix it. I hate that he's upset pointlessly.

Generally, the only thing that I get frustrated about, on a regular basis, is, well, him. And I do have a charming "throw all my toys out of the pram" style at that point, which is really unwise. I am trying to work on it. I don't cry exactly, but I don't deal with it well.

What is a good way to deal with frustration? Taking a break and trying a new way to fix the problem?

yes NQC. as i said: you were tired and youre human.

you care enough to be working it out, which means youre about as good a parent as you can be IMO.

You're definitely not alone in this NQC - I get this way with DD too - I think it's my frustration at not being able to instantly make things right for her. Feel like saying 'Oh just grow up' which is patently ridiculous of me as she's 6.

X posted agin!

the usual id say: deep breaths, try to mentally stand back from the situation and see it as part of a broader picture... etc...

ds1 can be like this (we have birthday card traumas regularly)
It is so hard when you are shattered/in a hurry/stressed but trying to stay detached from it realy works for me.
I also try to pre-empt things that I know will get him frustrated so now, all cards get written the night before and we practise on paper first

But it is so hard when they are screaming like a banshee and on a downwards spiral. Ds1 gets himself so wound up he cant calm down. We do 'smell the sake, blow out the candles' (ie breathe in the through the nose and out through the mouth)
this helps

I find myself ranting when I get frustrated but I think a better way of dealing with it is to leave the room or often (if we are all inside) announce we are going to the playground, get everyone out and have a bit of fresh air and a run about.

and I know it is a cliche, but the old 'count to 10 slowly' in your head can really work, if only to delay the inevitable until you can walk away!

it's as much reconditioning your responses as it is his