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Parenting

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Original poster

When DS1 cries with frustation, I want to hit him :-(

89 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 24/10/2006 20:53

I know I've dealt badly with this before, but I really realised today, I cannot cope with him crying with frustration. I get really really angry.

I didn't hit him, but I did get shouty. Oddly enough, this didn't help him calm down.

How do I stop having such a strong bad reaction to this? I realise, logically, that he if he's upset about this sort of thing, he needs (and deserves!) attention, patience and a hug. How do I keep myself from getting angry?

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popsycal · 24/10/2006 21:21

smell the cake not the sake.......not encouraging my 4 year old to inhale rice wine

AlfredAitchcock · 24/10/2006 21:22

actually, now that i think of it my friend's dd is just like this. a nicer child you could not wish to meet, but she is the eldest and a bit of a perfectionist.

her mum is very good with her and only very occasionally lets her see that the behaviour gets on her nerves. (i know it does, by the way, as i've often been the one pouring the glass of red for her afterwards).

what she does is a bit of a Dr Tanya kneel-down thing when she sees it starting, and says 'one big deep breath and tell me what is upsetting you'. if the wee girl doesn't take her deep breath but insists on getting upset, then my friend would give her a couple more chances before leaving her to it.

Hsving read your explanation of what happened, though, it sounds like you are on top of it.

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 24/10/2006 21:22

I'm relieved to see others have felt this way, and thank everyone for the reasonable and sensible responses.

Oh, I don't get annoyed when DS2 cries out of frustration, but he's 2, so I expect less of him. I expect less of him in general.

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southeastastra · 24/10/2006 21:22

when my ds(5) throws a wobbler one thing that works is to show him something on the computer, or like i said earlier turn the radio up anything that will distract his frustration and calm him down. but they really do test you.

CountTo10 · 24/10/2006 21:23

I think its hard not to project sometimes. As someone has said on here before, we are only human and can't be perfect all the time, the fact that we realise we feel like that and look for the reason why and the prevention shows that we are not totally out of control. When I fell pregnant with ds I vowed that I was not going to be like my mum. I love my mum to bits but she was on her own, was dealing with a lot of her own stuff and she was quite scary at times. However, i suddenley feel myself losing it in the same way she used to and it stops me in my tracks. We all have our own hang ups I guess!!!

nappiesLaGore · 24/10/2006 21:24

its not mine but a mantra i try to remember (and i'll screw up the exact quote so try to see the point and not the crap grammar)

'you cant control the behaviour of others, only your own reaction to it'

very wise words i think. not mine, obv

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 24/10/2006 21:24

Oh, DS1 doesn't get like this often. It's really an every-few-weeks sort of problem - if it happened more often, I probably would have had to face it sooner.

And to be fair, the scale of my response was not just down to tiredness etc. I was really really angry .

(He was also more likely to get upset because he wanted to get things right, he was working in pen, and I'd just dragged him off the computer and his game which he's been playiing obsessively.)

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CountTo10 · 24/10/2006 21:24

I like that

nappiesLaGore · 24/10/2006 21:25

LOL popsycal! i did wonder!

hunkermunker · 24/10/2006 21:25

NQC, I have a very scary temper that I hate. I am learning to keep a lid on it, but it's hard and it makes me want to bite the insides of my mouth off to try.

I now have to tell myself that it is easier in the long run if I don't get cross and wound up, because it perpetuates things. If I remain calm(ish) on the outside, DS1 has nothing to react off (I'm having a night off from grammar tonight...).

Email me if you want to talk about it x x x

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 24/10/2006 21:26

Oh, and I like "smell the cake, blow out the candles", that's a really nice way to convey the yoga breathing thing. We will be doing that one!

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Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 24/10/2006 21:28

Oh, HM, I have a deeply weird temper, but I almost never let it out. Well, I think it makes sense to let it out in a calmish sort of way (run like mad, or express my annoyance without blowing up).

I remember the first time I got angryish at DS1 ... he laughed at me. Oddly enough, it made me a lot angrier. I quickly learned to never get (or seem!) angry near him ...

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Greensleeves · 24/10/2006 21:28

am also going to pinch the cake/candles thing, we currently have a "XXX's Calming Down Song", but if he's really riled, he tells me where to stick it (not really, but you know) if I suggest that one

beckybraAAARGHstraps · 24/10/2006 21:29

We have a running gag in our family of yelling "I can't I can't I can't" if someone starts throwing one of these wobblies. Stems from a HUGELY inappropriate comment made by dh when I was in the final stages of pushing out dd (me: 'I can't do it', dh: 'I can't I can't, you're always so negative' ).

I am rather prone to an "I can't" paddy myself, we all are, and someone else yelling it out makes us smile, we all agree how awful Daddy was, and move on. Cuddling and fussing don't work with my children in situations like this. They need to be jollied out of it, although cuddles afterwards are always welcome of course.

popsycal · 24/10/2006 21:30

i have no idea where i got it from - in fact i thikn i made it up
i use it a lot at school with hyperventialting 9 year olds whose earth is crashing to a halt as a friend is ignoring them...

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 24/10/2006 21:31

Ooooh, becky, I hope you wallopped him one for that, at the time!

Yeah, silliness may be the way out of that. I do feel slightly ill at ease about the idea of giving cuddles and affection in response to a tantrum of frustration ...

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nappiesLaGore · 24/10/2006 21:31

yes, me too. (cake breathing thing)

HM - i am surprised you have a temper too. dunno why... mind you, i do have a rather daft tendency to think people are complete angels till they prove otherwise NOT that im saying youre bad for having a temper... gawd. foot in mouth! i mean its nice to know im not alone and that other reasonable intelligent people have 'issues' too (like NQC and HM)

think im giving my whole brain a night off tonight, not just the grammar bit!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/10/2006 21:31

Oh lord i thought it was just me!

I think there are many reasons I get angry and frustrated too. But, they arent about to dissolve any time soon so could do with finding ways of dealing with things too. Im glad you started this thread NQC.

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 24/10/2006 21:33

I've given popsycal's tip its own thread, because it deserves it. (With credit, natch.)

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beckybraAAARGHstraps · 24/10/2006 21:34

Actually, it did sort of work at the time (I was making no end of a fuss), but now it is part of family folklore and will NEVER be forgotten.

nappiesLaGore · 24/10/2006 21:34

oh becky! and i bet you were too busy giving birth to wallop him too! im glad its become an anecdote and thus he'll never live it down. hah!

popsycal · 24/10/2006 21:35

FrannyandZooey · 24/10/2006 21:35

I get like this when ds is upset and I Think He Shouldn't Be. I think it's because it feels like a criticism of me as a parent - because if I was looking after him properly, he wouldn't get upset. But he is upset, so I feel completely bloody cross with him.

Sorry you are finding this so tricky.

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 24/10/2006 21:37

Well, I'm feeling better about it, since I realised it is a Problem, and where it comes from, and that I must fix it.

I always struggle so much with DS1, unreasonably really, as he is really quite a nice kid.

Tomorrow, during DS2's nap, I am going to spend time with DS1 doing nothing productive. Maybe we'll make biscuits.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 24/10/2006 21:39

Biscuits are productive!

Ds is a very nice kid but my word he is strong willed and so are you, if you will pardon me saying so in a rather un-English fashion

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