When DS1 cries with frustation, I want to hit him :-(

[NotQuiteCockney]

I know I've dealt badly with this before, but I really realised today, I cannot cope with him crying with frustration. I get really really angry.

I didn't hit him, but I did get shouty. Oddly enough, this didn't help him calm down.

How do I stop having such a strong bad reaction to this? I realise, logically, that he if he's upset about this sort of thing, he needs (and deserves!) attention, patience and a hug. How do I keep myself from getting angry?

He's 5 - things don't have to be perfect. Next time he makes a mistake - don't say anything. He won't get frustrated - you won't get angry.

You don't have to be dishonest and tell him it looks great - just, "thanks for doing that. Now let's xxxxx".

Good luck with the biscuits - and if he tries to do thing differently - well his way is good too.

Said as a true perfectionist eldest child, who is still surprised if my parents are understanding.

NQC - DS, 5, is also experiencing the same problems re 'perfection'. He gets anxious even before he tries something, so is already half way to upset by the time he does make a mistake. I think it is a very frustrating phase for them because they can't express themselves fluently because they can't quite get the mechanics of readinga nd writing. In some ways it looks like a resurgence of the terrible twos, when they are frustrated because they can't express themselves to the level of their thoughts and need to communicate.

It's something I have seen many times with actors in rehearsal, too. There is a terrible stage when they are 'coming off the book', i.e trying to do it without a script but have not yet absorbed the lines like a second skin - they get furious with themselves because it affects the flow of their acting, furious with each other as they fluff lines and cues and timing, and the Director (me) sits there irritable with frustration and anger, but it is essential to be seen to remain calm and encouraging !

And think about the difference between a professional driving instructor and a dp or parent teaching someone to drive - the infectious bond of frustration.....

I'm sure it is why we also have Birthday Card meltdowns, and why DS hates doing his reading with me but does it well and happily at school.

And hi=onestly, i am not a psushy perfectionist - i err much more to the laid back side of slack parenting...and stil it happens.

We had a slight repeat of this behaviour this morning, well, DS1 was crying because DS2 had messed up some of his work, so not quite the same thing.

But I managed to keep v calm and cool it down well, despite the fact I'm pretty much fasting atm (gut issues). We're off to Central London in a minute anyway, hurrah.

Oh, so far, DS1 likes reading to me ... he's generally quite confident (some would say over confident) ...

God, he's winding up DS2, must motor into town in a minute if I'm to survive today.

Oh, and one other thing - I have found that bribery in these situations actually makes things worse - because Ds feels he has one more thing to feel anxious about achieving. In addition to being anxious about 'getting it right' he is also anxious about 'not getting a biscuit'. I think bribey works for sheer umnwillingness, can't be botheredness or whatever, but not (for us, anyway) when there is an issue of 'I don't want to do it becuae i can't get it right / don't know how to do it'.

That makes sense, re: bribery. I don't tend to go in for bribery, anyway, and particularly not for things where he has (or should have) other incentives for getting them right.

haven't read all these posts, so might repeat. I identify with what you are saying. My Father in particular was very impatient and cross about certain childish behaviour.
I have to fight the same urge. I think I am really good at comforting when they are distressed by something like a fall or something specific.
What I struggle with is, irrational behaviour, when the get wound up about something, and it spirals into a no win situation. I just think sod it, and walk away if I can. Otherwise I am afraid I go from trying to comfort soothe, to shoutey Mum. Probably pretty confusing for them, but its like I have tried various approaches, it's clearly not working whatever I do, so f* it!

I think some of these ideas are brilliant and will be saving them to use with DS. I don't have much to add except to say may we could take a step back and see that frustration can actuially be useful as long as we aren't so frightened of the feeling that we give us as soon as we feel it. It is an emotion that encourages us to think creatively and to solve a problem.

Ideally we need to use the energy to solve the problem rather than get angry with ourselves and give up.

Sometimes the soluton is to say 'hey nothing's perfect but it's as good as I can do and that is OK' and sometimes the solution is to do it again a little bit better.

So easy to say and so difficult to do

to return to your reply to my post from ages ago, nqc...
i didn't really express myself properly (bad first child...) i am absolutely sure that you aren't putting pressure on him by saying 'you must do it this way' but someone will at some point have sat him down and said, 'let's try colouring in, here's how you do it' whereas child 2 absorbs these lessons by watching child 1. i just think that if you've been shown how to do something by an adult then mucking it up becomes muddled up with pleasing that adult.
hey, but children have to learn so there's not much that can be done about it. but i think that younger siblings who learn by watching older children don't suffer so much if they muck up. have i exlpained myself correctly? i think it's just a fact of life, basically, and most 1st kids are like that. (me, for example).

this 'first child' stuff is very interesting... i will be watching and listening to myself more closely now with ds1 as im sure i have allowed some of this to go on here too...

im the first and second child in my family (older brother has a different dad) so i get some of it, but my dear (poor) old big bro bore the brunt of most of our/his parents' learning curve...

some fantastic practical tips and insights on this thread. and have resolved to go back to and actually read the talk, listen, kids book...

ps - grew up round kingsland/whiston rd area... am amazed theres an organic shop there now - really is coming up in the world, huh?

NQC: I'm another fan of the How to Talk so Kids... (etc) book, although I don't always have the energy to follow through or think afterwards "doh, should have handled that differently".

I think there's two things here:

1. he needs to learn to express his feelings appropriately.
2. if you're constantly trying to supress your feelings then that's not giving him a good message about expressing himself properly either. I don't think you have to be a "perfect parent" in this life, but having grown up with parents who refused to ever admit they were wrong then I think one of the most important things to do is admit you're human too.

So how about next paddy, take a deep breath and... "ds1, I can see you're really upset and frustrated about this but I need you to use words to describe how you feel rather than screaming like this. I can feel myself getting angry, so I'm going to give myself a small time out (or whatever you call it in your house) - how about when we've both calmed down we come back, have a cuddle and discuss how we can fix this?"

Have read this thread with interest and am now searching for the How to listen ... book on Amazon. Is it this one? Or this ?

Thanks!!

It's the Faber & Mazlish one, Millie

I was going to start a similar thread myself. My DS is 3yo and there is something about the way he cries that makes me want to be violent. My DH feels the same. None of the other DCs has this effect on us. We've discussed it at length and can't find a reason for it.

And before anyone gets carried away with themselves, no I haven't ever hit him/thrown him out of the window/fed him to the lions etc. And yes, he is very cuddly and gets lots of cuddles.

It's just a horrid feeling that I'd rather not have.