When DS1 cries with frustation, I want to hit him :-(

[NotQuiteCockney]

I know I've dealt badly with this before, but I really realised today, I cannot cope with him crying with frustration. I get really really angry.

I didn't hit him, but I did get shouty. Oddly enough, this didn't help him calm down.

How do I stop having such a strong bad reaction to this? I realise, logically, that he if he's upset about this sort of thing, he needs (and deserves!) attention, patience and a hug. How do I keep myself from getting angry?

Becky, I'd have done something very negative to DH if he'd said that to me.

I get the red mist. Happens on here occasionally, but I can calm down once I've bashed out the initial post and reword. God, the posts I've thought better of once written (ranted) to maintain my outwardly calm persona...!

I used to get into fights when I was younger though - proper fist fights. Not very often, but enough.

Popsy, fab advice re the candles - will remember that for future reference.

And yeah, unreasonable upset is always hard to cope with. I have pretty much unlimited patience for cuddles and kisses if he's fallen over. Or even if he's upset about something like it being his brother's birthday but not his yet.

But the fact there's a little scribble on a card ...

I think that if you have the "perfectionist first child" syndrome (which exists, I'm sure it does), it can be hard to be met with a perfectionist first child who hasn't learnt to cope with things such as a bit of scribble on a card.

As a perfectionist first child myself, I have learnt to deal with that. But I haven't learnt to deal with having a child who hasn't learnt to cope with it.

Am I making any sense? Say yes, or I'll hit you all

NQC, trust me, that's a big deal. Or it was when I was that age.

DD1 (also 5) can be like this and strangely writing in birthday cards has often been known to trigger it off! So Tip #1, before even getting out the card repeat to self, "This is not a good 'learning opportunity'. I don't give a damn what the birthday card looks like, the recipient won't notice and if the recipient's parents look at this scribbly mess and assume that my child is a dullard, who gives a t*ss?" I think I end up projecting my own anxiety and perfectionsim on DD1 and just letting that go can change the way she reacts.

Tip #2, try a bit of that 'Talk So Your Kids Will Listen' stuff - you feel like a twonk but it can be surprisingly effective. You know the kind of thing:

NQC's DS: Crying with frustration.
A very calm NQC: Gosh it can be a bit frustrating when cards don't turn out right.
NCQ's DS: Inarticulate scream
NQC: I see. I wonder what you think would be the best thing to do here?
NQC's DS: Tear it up.
NQC: OK. Do you think X will mind if he doesn't get a card.
NQC's DS: No
NQC: OK. I wonder if you can think of any other way of telling him "Happy Birthday"?
NQC's DS: I could make him a birthday card next week.
NQC (entirely ignoring that it won't be X'sbirthday next week): OK. That would work.

Etc etc. As I say, twonkish but surprisingly effective for DD1. I'm definitely going to try the 'smell the cake' think with her.

Ok, I've got to get that Talk, Listen, Kids book.

You're right, that's the sort of thing I need to be doing. Calm and patient.

Actually, I don't care about how the card looks! I have often let DS1 draw a card full of drawings of random attacking space ships, complete with captions (written in by me, following his instructions).

It is good. It's a little patronising (particularly the cartoons) and very over-enthusiastic and extremely American but the techniques and the ideas behind the techniques are, IMHO, good ones.

Yeah, I'm sure lots of it will be reminding me of things I already know, but telling me how to put it into practice.

I just am so impatient with DS1, and I need to build a better relationship with him ...

A practical tip from an experienced mum of a birthday card "bungler" - buy a packet of plain white label stickers. When your dc makes the inevitable mistake in pen, and becomes upset/frustrated, you can immediately remedy the mistake by putting a plain sticker over the problem. Your child can breathe a sigh of relieft that the card isn't "ruined", and can try again.

The other tips about dealing constructively with frustration/response are not so easily solved, but am gleaning lots of valuable information here.

Do you really think there's such a thing as "perfectionist first child syndrome"? Rings true here, and I'm interested to realise it might be commonplace.

Duh, we have a packet of those somewhere!

I was thinking of Liquid Ape (Tipex? Whatever you weird English people call it) but wasn't sure where it was, and we really didn't have time to muck about and wait for it to dry etc.

Tippex, you rude Yank (that'll get her ). Or Snowpake.

(Actually scared to press post now...)

And yes, EB, I do think there's a lot of pressure on first-borns to "get it all right" - often placed upon them by themselves. Stoopid firstborns (I speak as one ).

Glad to offer a useful suggestion. Isn't it funny how our logical problem solving abilities abandon us when we feel upset and emotional?

at 5 i think in such situations you can reasonably ask - what do you want me to do?

that way your thinking through the problem together.

hunker - think that syndrome deserves it's own thread!

"Snowpake"? That's an even worse name than "Tippex"?

I despair over British names for things. "Biro". "Tannoy". "plimsole" Gah.

He wanted me to "make the pen go away!" "Rub it off!" etc etc. And he took a while to accept that a rubber wouldn't fix it, and then he was despairing over the fact he'd used a pen. (He'd decided to use a pen! Although granted, he hadn't realised pens couldn't be erased ...)

that's plimsoll... it was a chap's surname. revolutionised shipping by drawing one line, but don't let that affect your mindless prejudice.

by the way, the wee girl i was talking about is a first-born. as am i. definitely believe that we are brought up to be perfectionist but when the second comes along the parents know that he will go outside the lines while firstborn is colouring in perfectly so they don't put the same pressure on to do it 'properly'.

But I really don't put pressure on DS1 to do things properly! I have done my best, all along, to raise him more like a second child. I want him to enjoy himself, not do things "properly".

I probably still do it a bit, but really, I do fight the urge.

I don't think we can help it, totally, NQC

and it is not just you, it's the whole of society, all the comments "oh I bet you are a helpful boy for your mum now she has ds2 to look after" etc etc

sorry you're feeling bad nqc. both your boys are lovely . ps moroganics is on kingsland rd!

morganics maybe....

You're right. I really have got confused about where it is then ... where is it on Kingsland Road?

(We did a big trip to The Grocery on Saturday, got loads of muesli stuff, which is much nicer with coconut chips, rather than shredded coconut.)

I started a thread for you with a link to a webpage about my shoes, though, demonstrating that they are indeed men's shoes. (Well, they're a woman's shoes, because they're mine, but still ...)

just north of the canal, near the junction with whiston rd. will go & look for that thread now!

I know you were staying up nights worrying about those shoes ;-)

i ama firstchild too...