You can tell I have a toddler because...

[soapybubbles123]

There are colourful, non-slip dots all over the bottom of the bath that change colour when the water temperature is anything more than tepid.

The windows and mirrors are usually covered in sticky little hand prints, regardless of how many times I clean them.

There's at least one pack of baby wipes in every room.

The CD currently playing in my car is the Gruffalo audio book.

There's splodges of bright blue poster paint in random places, like the shower curtain.

I may well offer you a rusk instead of a biscuit, the low sugar variety of course.

Anyone else?

There's random plastic blocks or board books in every room incl the bathroom and hallway
The bathroom bin is in the bath (so dd can't lick it)
We don't have a fireplace anymore, we have a toy box

there is no point in having a toybox as the toys are never in it, they are just scattered all over the house.

DD likes dvds so much that she pulls them all off the unit constantly.

I cant go to the toilet alone.

my mail becomes a story that I must listen to..and shes only 14 months!

The house would be tidier if a bomb dropped.

I look forward to going to Tesco by myself - it's like a little daytrip.

The tv has pencil drawings on it.

The wallpaper is held on with sellotape in places.

The car is like a mobile skip.

Depending upon the time of day, silence is either golden or something to be feared.

• whatever outfit I am wearing has snot at thigh level

• anyone wanting to use the loo in my house must be accompanied by a two year old, who will narrate every move(ment) you make

• I pay more on child care than I do on my mortgage

All glass - TV, windows, doors, and somehow the high up mirrors - are smudged with prints and other stuff I choose to ignore.

When I go out alone I still automatically take step-free routes even though they're longer. I also pack snacks.

We have several books bound with tape.

We have to navigate a series of gates and locks to get into anything.

I don't keep drinks by my side regardless of where I am.

I smell of sick.

DS 24mo currently has heinous cough which means he coughs until he pukes up a ladle full of snotty gunk several times a day.

I have a small Lightning McQueen rattling around in my work handbag.

I do my makeup on the train into work.

I have grey hair underneath all the dye!!

There are crayons in the washing machine.

I have a crush on Daddy Pig.

There are calpol syringes in every room of the house, making us look like a household of tame junkies.

I'm tired. Really tired.

There's porridge on my skirt

I think I'm harbouring inappropriate thoughts about Mr Bloom

There are bright yellow antibiotic and vitamin liquid stains on my towels and bedding

I don't know what my face and hair look like because I didn't have time to look in a mirror today.

There are calpol syringes in every room of the house, making us look like a household of tame junkies.

This just made me lol

Every item of clothing I wear has snot/ yoghurt smeared on it.

All the neighbours regularly hear
"NO MINITHURSDAY, NO, NO, I SAID NOOOOOOOOO".

And I do 'small things' washing twice as often as any other load.

My house is covered in glitter and stickers.

The bread in my house lives semi permanently on the floor as ds likes to take it out of the cupboard and carry it around shouting TOE TOE TOE. (He can't sat toast yet.) Then he drops it on the floor for me to pick up or puts it on his trolley to take his toast for a walk.

at this thread

You always have a dummy and one small sock in your pocket.

I've given up on having books on my bookshelf. The lower four shelves are empty, but the wardrobe inthe spare room is full!

But never enough tissues cockbollocks

Oh God the never ending laundry.

Every radiator in my house has teeny clothes drying on them.

I also have a DS with a cold and so have snot smeared on my knees.

I'm constantly finding bits of jigsaw/duplo/bricks under the sofa.

You're impressed by a song being sung out of tune in noises that barely resemble the words, Eg Frere jacques

You love nap time

Oh this morning I spent a long time on my knees scrubbing the carpet in our bedroom.
One patch from where he was v unwell yesterday and shat on the floor
The second patch from where he is seemingly much much better as he pulled my (full) cup of coffee off he bedside table and onto the (cream) carpet

I use creative non-swearing instead of real swearing.

I spend time pondering the backstory of the Pontipines and the Wottingers.

I'm desperate to go to bed by 9pm.

There's toys all around my house

I look like I could do with more sleep

My coat has a stain on the shoulder

I look bored

Stickers everywhere -check
Fingerprints everywhere -check
Snot everywhere- check
Stains on carpet -check

I also have pawprints everywhere where DD has learned to open the door to let the DDog in but hasn't learned to dry DDog's muddy paws on a towel

DD and I are both in our second outfit of the day before 7.30am, and she's in her third by 8.10am...!

I have re-discovered fish fingers

I go to work humming 'Flying high, In the sky, Flying high and high and high' over, and over, and over again

I got excited when a colleague told me about Ben & Holly, and I look forward to watching it more than DD does

These messages are too funny!

I spend my day avoiding being headbutted during the 'tantrum hold'

Having to stealth look at my mobile to avoid DS stealing it from me to go on his apps or take selfies! He's 2!?!

Secretly eating chocolate in the kitchen

Watching the same cartoon 500 times in a row

Saying don't throw car/ book/ food all day long

Sooo tired! Toddlers are a joy!