You can tell I have a toddler because...

[soapybubbles123]

There are colourful, non-slip dots all over the bottom of the bath that change colour when the water temperature is anything more than tepid.

The windows and mirrors are usually covered in sticky little hand prints, regardless of how many times I clean them.

There's at least one pack of baby wipes in every room.

The CD currently playing in my car is the Gruffalo audio book.

There's splodges of bright blue poster paint in random places, like the shower curtain.

I may well offer you a rusk instead of a biscuit, the low sugar variety of course.

Anyone else?

I have a stock set of phrases that I repeat endlessly through the day. "stop fighting with your brother!", "sit down on your chair on your bottom!" , "i am not a climbing frame", "leave the cat alone", " do you need a wee?", " have you wet your pants?"
The other day I told my dh to "sit down on your chair on your bottom"
I will find random things like the tv remote in the washing machine, a pile of tiny playmobil people posted out the cat flap, and a random collection of batteries, paperclips, a half eaten Apple and a screwdriver in the boot of ds's ride on car.

A toys r us bomb went off in my house repeatedly.
Even though i vacuum there are still crumbs on the floor.
The toy boxes have crackers and biscuits that Ds is saving for later/emergency rations.
We have floor toast its the best ever.
Some days i think i only say No, get off, dont do that!
The lower shelves of my lovely bookcases are filled with random crap the stuff thats supposed to live on them like nappies and wipes could be anywhere in the room its a scavenger hunt before every nappy change.

When we go to playgroup there is the communal apple not one of them can have their own apple they like to share one that gets rolled around the floor a fair bit too.

You have bruises from over enthusiastic cuddles headbutts
The small person is better dressed than you as you just grab whatever doesn't have snot all over it.
Food is inhaled so it doesn't have to be shared.
The cat me suddenly has a fondness for biscuits
A day at work is like a break.

I found myself sitting on the toilet, undressing Bogdan the Meerkat saying, "Bring me Oleg, I'll undress him next!".

Try being me I have been in childcare with under 5's for 36 years.

Always had at least one toddler, till a couple of years ago I childminded and had 3 of the monsters all day 5 days a week

I now nanny and my last ever charge starts school in September

First time I dropped him at preschool was the first time I walked away from a nursery with out a a buggy in all that time

I am now snot free and fairly sane

I think

Single socks, everywhere. Destined to remain lonely for eternity.

A singing toy in every room of the house for distraction purposes.

A wooden spoon under the sofa- where else?!

Kitchen bin permanently open because he can open it and now close it.

The neighbours must know it's almost time for school pick up when the hear the war piercing screams of small child being strapped into his car seat.

ILoveCwtches

Hesalover ...and we have Vassily

I also spent the best part of half an hour looking for a Happyland dog which I was more keen to find than dd was!

I am late for everything and my excuse is always the same, I couldn't get DD into pants.

My diary revolves around children's parties

I used to think that bribery was the preserve of corrupt tin pot dictators, now it's a acceptable way to buy three minutes in the shower by myself

I hide my shampoos lest they become bubble bath

I cannot remember a time when I locked the bathroom door

Sometimes I forget to lock the door when I use a public loo

I can wedge the door of a public loo shut with my foot whilst holding down a toddler lest DD spring open the door whist I'm weeing. I secretly think this is quite an achievement.

I don't have a toddler any moooore! My baby has just turned four.

You can tell I have a four year old though as I usually have a cuddly toy in my handbag. She insists on carrying them to nursery but they discourage them from taking them in. She either has to put the toy in a box by the door (which is full of moth eaten toys) or I put it in my bag. I'd rather put it in my bag so I end up with it all bloody day!

Last week she insisted on taking a toy that wouldn't for in my bag so I ended up carrying it in my hand. The bus driver looked at me like I was mental - a 31 year old woman, sans child, carrying a stuffed rabbit!

I only own backpacks, not handbags.

I have snot on the shoulder of all clothes.

I refer to myself in the third person all the time. It's automatic now. I do a running commentary on what I'm doing, too.

I'm pretty much unembarrassable. DD is neatly 3 and has no filters!

I can give new mothers a critique of nappy changing and feeding facilities in our town, which cafés are actually child friendly and don't just pay lip service to the idea, which have the best and cleanest high chairs, and which play places are the hardest for a toddler to escape from.

Every bag I own has a layer of raisins and finely-ground breadsticks in the bottom of it.

I never leave the house without silvery snail-trails of snot adorning the lower half of each trouser leg.

I haven't slept through the night since 2011.

Choochi, I said, "Morning, Coots" as I walked past the pond we live by. I realised too late that dd was in nursery and the man walking his dog didn't care!

There are plastic eggs and poxy plastic toys all over the goddamned place. If she's not watching them on YouTube she's wailing for an egg.

There are little plastic bowls containing blueberries or raisins all over the place.

In the hall there is a bagpuss rucksack filled with plastic Mr men and Night Garden characters. Aforementioned toddler wouldn't leave the house without it last Wednesday but has shown no interest in it since.

The sky planner is full of Disney films and paw patrol.

Theres jelly stuck to my curtains and playdoh in the carpet. I no longer give a shit.

I have a collection of juice bottles and plastic cups that never get used.

I have stains on my clothes that aren't off me and dummys in my pocket/ bag

I shout aloud in public everyday and invite the elderly to come and give me there words of wisdom when dd has her daily meltdowns.

My neighbours makes comments when im hanging out the washing. "Ooh more washing" yes more washing, I have a toddler!

I feel a sense of dread when DS1 comes towards me with the gruffalo for the 20th time that morning.

I used to have ornaments and candles on my mantelpiece. Now it's for putting mugs and glasses out of DS2s reach. And my coffee table is completely bare.

I pointed out 'nanas in lidl. The DSes were not with me.

The local petshop is a free zoo.

Yes to the never ending laundry. I have a super XXXL box of fairy non bio.

I'm constantly singing twinkle twinkle little star and head shoulders knees and toes

I know all the words to room on the broom, dear zoo and the highway rat

I'm panicking about world book day

I live on rejected toddler meals

I consider 7:45 to be a lie in.

The fridge always has half a dozen items of toddler food (cling filmed porridge, half a banana, 1 tbsp boiled rice).

i'm watching mock the week, which is the first tv programme aimed at adults i've seen in a week. I'm refusing to go to bed because of it

I live in fear of the WHINE

I want to throw the entire house and its contents (especially the child) at DH the second he walks in to the house and just rock in my room.

i haven't heard anything except whining for weeks months

I stroke a child's hair and find masses upon masses of bits of chocolate cake mix

I think that spider cakes are a perfectly valid food group (not cakes made of spiders, but decorated with laces and buttons to look like spiders)

i have accepted that the only food the toddler will eat is from my plate, so i don't even bother to give her her own dinner anymore, just an extra fork and spoon/knife. Dh hasn't learned this and then complains that she nevereats her dinner

Toddler age long moved on but....
We always had cheerios under the sofa/tv cabinet. Wallpaper chewed off. Single socks in the tissue box. Plastic crap everywhere (including down the loo), reward charts, a dado rail of dairylea on the patio doors. Blah, blah, blah.

• Tupperware containers everywhere as dd2 loves emptying the kitchen drawers
• the red babybel waxy stuff stuck to the floor in a variety if places as dd3 has learnt to help herself to them + open them.
• Ditto Petit filous lids
• all teaspoons have vanished (connected to petit filous issue)
• felt tip/crayon/pen drawing all over various bits of furniture/wall/important documents

The man from jl just offered to talk to my son who was screaming in the background that he wanted to talk to whoever was on the phone.