You can tell I have a toddler because...

[soapybubbles123]

There are colourful, non-slip dots all over the bottom of the bath that change colour when the water temperature is anything more than tepid.

The windows and mirrors are usually covered in sticky little hand prints, regardless of how many times I clean them.

There's at least one pack of baby wipes in every room.

The CD currently playing in my car is the Gruffalo audio book.

There's splodges of bright blue poster paint in random places, like the shower curtain.

I may well offer you a rusk instead of a biscuit, the low sugar variety of course.

Anyone else?

I have none of my books on my book shelf any more just my dds toys and books

I have a ball pool and a small plastic trolley in my living room (and the rest! But these two items stand out and are always there as they don't fit in any storage! )

My cat has a traumatised look on her face and looks relieved when dd has gone to bed.

I'm quite used to being handed disgusting items by dd and happily take them while doing something else at the same time.

I make yummy noises when eating to show my appreciation even when dd isn't actually there

I happily drive an extra half an hour just for the peace that the car brings

Yesterday I was putting a nappy in the bin and the poo fell out, I casually picked it up without batting an eyelid.

I always have snot on me or smeared food or dribble.

The list goes on! It is so much fun though! Most of the time. ..

I could enter the diplomatic service with my now-finely honed negotiating skills

My laminate floor has ceased to be shiny, and now resembles a shreddies/weetabix graveyard.
I am singing the Upsy Daisy song in my head right now.
A stranger answered "Ee i ee i oh" when I was singing Old MacDonald to DS while walking down the street.

• The floor is littered with dried-up peas and sweetcorn, flung around during meal-time hissy fits
• Everything from remote controls to bits of laundry get posted through the cat-flap
• Windows and mirrors are covered in sticky little fingerprints (no idea how he reaches so high sometimes)
• My lovely, ageing cat looks at me like I've betrayed her massively
• I never get to shower or pee alone
• I get to shave my legs about once every six weeks (if I'm lucky)
• I can recite the scripts for most episodes of ITNG
• I can name all of the NumTums in order
• I feel fucking broken a huge amount of the time

DS is only 1 - how long does this all go on for?!

cant remember when I last ate/drunk anything while it was hot
just loves it when my youngest dd follows me to the loo then shouts to anyone downstairs that wants to listen "mammy finished"
being asked why I have inky mouse whiskers and hair with two colours black and yellow. reminds myself I must make a apt with the hairdresser/beautician lol
hoovers/carpets full of loom bands because she likes to sneak it out of her sisters box and pretend its snow
would give anything for a very hot bath on my own instead of it being lukewarm pretending to drink latte made in a plastic teapot containing water bubblebath and more often than not the wee she just couldn't hold

You point out big red buses and 'moo cows' when driving (even if toddler not actually in the car) It took me years to stop doing this...

Ilovecwtches
Your post made me howl

I don't make any effort to make light, jolly conversation with colleagues anymore because I (and they) have realised that I will either bring the chat around to my child, no matter what the original subject matter, I will go on and on about how tired I am until I feel they have sympathised sufficiently, I never ask them anything about themselves or their weekend, I will offer unwanted advice on their life choices (particularly if it involves having a baby) and I often forget their actual name, even though I've known them years.

I am on mumsnet at 1am.

Oh yes, and I drag myself into work even when I'm v ill (which is basically all the time due to the fact that I have a toddler) because it's easier to sit and shiver on the bus and slump with my head on my desk than be hopped up and down on all day by a sleeping bunny.

I was really excited about watching Wolf Hall - haven't watched any grown-up tv for ages (either go to bed straight after toddler or spend hours googling 'relentless runny nose') and planned it out carefully, creeping past toddler's room and shutting myself in my bedroom with laptop, glass of wine and bag of Pom bears. Turn it on...and instantly discover that Thomas Cromwell is also the actor who voices that annoying know-it-all, ridiculously-patient rabbit thing from cbeebies 'It's a Bing Thing', something I am subjected to at least twice a day. No alteration in the voice whatsoever. Thanks, Mark Rylance.

I know all the songs and dialogues of Frozen and Rio2 by heart.

I don't even flinch at poo marks at too of stairs anymore

I am alternating between being Master of Chaos and wanting to escape to the Caribbean on my own

*at top of stairs

I no longer buy expensive face cream in case it gets eaten. Or splattered on walls. Or applied on piglet as nappy cream.
Being asked "is that snot or yoghurt in your uniform" is a daily occurrence at work.
Few things in life make me happier than an empty bowl at the end of dinner. One that hasn't been thrown around that is.
I often find myself eating old raisins off the floor. Or being fed them.
I obsess about having all tomme tippee squeaky eggs in the box at the same time.
I've googled what noise giraffes make.
I've a snotty little person snoring next to me. It's 3am and I can't sleep.

This thread has made me feel sad and wistful - my toddlers are bigger now, the house is still a tip and we now have lego everywhere.
Thank you everyone for reminding me.

P.S. Bleary - for the love of all things small and cuddly, DO NOT eat the raisins off the floor. I did once, only to discover to my horror that DS had already eaten it. Poo-flavour raisin. Never to be forgotten.

All of this and so much more. But it will all be forgotten when they tell you they love you for the first time.

i have no work, no friends, and hardly a desire for myself (if i did i would go mad), i wear whatever is to hand by the bed in the morning. my wife and i have had no time together for over two years. if we try to parent together everything that could go wrong does; if there's no parenting to be done we are either both asleep or both hiding. i feel like i need friends because it would be good for the children if i had them - same with a proper job (after they're both in school of course). and my older boy tells me he loves me scores of times every day; my younger is just now saying 'wow - amazing' and really getting into hugging his older brother. when i get a little kiss from my younger boy it starts with a long 'mmmmmm' and ends with a hands-in-the-air cheer. the way my little one nuzzles into my neck when he sleeps on me (he won't go to sleep unless he is on me), and the way he smells, makes me happier than i ever thought it was possible to be.