If your child says they are hungry

[pookamoo]

After their bedtime, what do you give them?

Would your answer be different if you had earlier had to throw away an uneaten plate of dinner?

For the avoidance of dripfeeding, here is the reason behind the question:

DD1 (6) is a terrible eater and always has been. I have always taken the attitude of offering the food, if she doesn't eat it, I don't make something else, she goes without. I never serve anything she actually doesn't like, and I never force her to clear her place. Dessert is not withheld for an unfinished main course.

People say to me "just let her go hungry, she'll soon learn" but she doesn't "learn" and I don't think it is fair. She usually doesn't complain of being hungry.

This evening she refused to eat two thirds of her meal. She just ate the plain pasta, but left the sauce, veg and chicken. At bedtime she had a glass of milk and an apple. After lights out, she complained she was hungry and I refused to get her a snack.

I do feel like a terrible person, she got very upset and I have no doubt she actually was hungry.

We had a chat about choosing to eat your meal or not and the consequences of that choice and she had a drink of water and went off to sleep fine. I am anticipating two bowls of porridge tomorrow morning!

I have been thinking about it and wondering if we should change our evening routine so that I can get an extra "supper" type meal in. We usually eat around 5, the DC go in the bath about 6 (or upstairs for teeth etc) and in bed by 7. It's flexible.

Just wondering if I should bring the DCs' dinner forward to 4.30 ish, and squeeze in something extra before bedtime. If so, what?

A smallish apple one hour before lunch would effect my DS's appetite. The equivalent in calories would be giving your DC 4/5 of a hard boiled egg.

If you look at your child's red NHS health book, you can look up her old percentiles. It's really hard to tell her new percentile without weighing her - although I'm told most children follow the line they are on at a year or two into adulthood. I wouldn't have a problem with my child being weighed once every few years mainly because they have a good take on food/weight/body image/health etc.

Sorry to go on, but are you saying she is actually lacking in nerdy,nor do you think she must be because of how little she eats?

Energy, not nerdy, obviously!!!

With my fussy eater, He can have bedtime snack oftoast/crackers/fruit/olives/nuts (no crisps orbiscuits) ONLY if he ate his tea.

I started giving him smaller dinner portions though, so he is not overwhelmed.

He now finishes his plate most days.

Could you give her smaller servings for a bit of the food she dors not like, so you arenitsetting her up for a fail?

I am aware I am slightly pandering here, but dinner is now a conflict free zone, and he gets enough to eat (tea then later snacks), as I hated sendjng him to bed hungry as he's so skinny!

Anyway, this worked for us.

If your GP thought she was fine, you really shouldn't worry about her weight/paleness because he must have thought she looked quite normal.

Also GP would have weighed her if he had concerns

cooki3 but why are you "desperately trying to get them to respect a meal pattern"?

Why should everyone have to eat at the same time of day? Why is lunch 12:30?

We have lunch at 11:30...are we wrong then?

So what if children want to have a different number of meals per day? 2 or maybe 4?

Are they wrong?

What is genuinely wrong is trying to force your own metabolic timetable on someone with a different metabolism. That way lies eating disorders and obesity.

Hakluyt not going on at all!

She is moody, grumpy, short tempered, doesn't really run about much... the kind of behaviour that makes parents think "that child needs something to eat". When toddlers get grumpy, they are (in my experience!) usually hungry or tired or both. She isn't a toddler any more, but she just always seems so tired.

Just looked in the red book, and the last time she was weighed was at just under 2 years old, and she was on the bottom of the 0.4th centile (on the dotted line) She probably has been weighed since then, but not noted in the red book.

My boys are also just below and above the 0.4 percentile. They are very healthy but yes they do flag more then other kids but I don't worry at all. They are naturally small/slim and work very hard to match thier bigger peers in lots of situations (football, races, tag, in class). They are very nippy and can whizz around like crazy things, then burn out completely. The GP has never ever mentioned thier boys weight/size. The boys need lots of sleep (7pm till 8am) and down time. Finances are tight and I only prepare one meal and don't offer alternatives. They have a healthy attitude to food but sometimes attempt to be picky when really they don't really hate a food (chicken for example), it's just they would rather have a yogurt/banana or something else sweet instead.

We have lunch at 11:30...are we wrong then? No, Icebeing, don't be a daft ape! 12:30 is convenient for us and the pattern of our day. I couldn't give a flying monkey how many meals and at what time of day your DC eats.

And I want my dc eating in a pattern because I don't want to be stuck to the kitchen all day dishing out food every hour like a frigging vending machine!!!

I tend to offer a banana- dd isn't a massive fan but will eat one if she's genuinely hungry. So if she's not hungry enough for a banana she doesn't get anything

A book I found very helpful OP was How to get your child to eat but not too much by Ellyn Satter. book

I agree it sounds to me like she is hungry and somehow still hasn't tuned in to her body. My fussy toddler was like that but he's mostly past it now (5.5). I used to talk to him about how his belly felt and how hunger felt and how it was good to eat when you were hungry and then you felt great. And then comment after eating about how good we all felt? Sounds ott maybe esp for an older child...

I also help him engage with new food, tiny piece first time its served. Cut it up small for small bites, a lot of talk about its taste and texture etc. Lot of talk from me about how much I'm enjoying whatever it is.

I would say that my own experience of trying to change eating behaviour is that it is a very slow process and sheer bloody minded persistence was key.

And also, the other trouble with just focusing on what they currently like (and listening to much to their preferences) is that they tend to reduce their repertoire more and more. If you ask me they get sick of eating the same thing but don't realise it and think they just don't like X anymore! Honestly, it would set you cracked!

Wilting that's some good advice. If my effort not to make a 'thing' out of my DSs fussy eating I hadn't really thought to talk to him about how he feels after he has eaten. What he does it he can eat a lot of. Half a dozen roast potatoes would be unusual! (as long as there of of top-notch crispy quality!!) And tonight he's eaten 200g of macaroni cheese!! I'll start this chat tomorrow. Thanks!

I can only join in with the people who are saying relax, and stop trying to get her to fit in with the unspoken rules of meal times.

I rather think that ship has sailed as you've got a child who's just not going to. I know it's not ideal and goes against so many personal and cultural expectations, but I can see the damage it's doing (to you! And the dC of course, but actually, you are very important in this too)...

I am the ultimate in relaxed eating though, as my best friends sister growing up had a RUBBISH diet!!!

She literally ate pancakes with lemon and sugar, or plain. And that was it except the odd schmidgen of other random things. Except vitamins and supplements. Her mum is an eminent paeditrician, the kind of doctor with wards named after her.

She kept a very close but discrete eye on her health, in a way that her expertise allowed her to - unlike me who would have been freaking out about malnutrition. She had a really good sense of the micronutrients you need, and the super tiny amounts you actually need. She was much more concerned that no one made a fuss and everyone sit together at dinner, to chat, whether they were eating or not. The mum smoothly and confidently answered any questions about her dd's awful diet, and made sure her dd knew she was completely backed up and protected by her family. She didn't get masses of attention for it, negative or positive, and it wasn't talked about, beyond making it seem a small and not important thing that was just part of growing up.

Her dd is now late 20s, beautiful, intelligent and completely unfussy about food, loves to cook big homely dinners for her friends.

I take my lessons from her and her rather wonderful mother, therefore am so much more relaxed about food than I would have been.

What's the obsession with dinners about on this thread? Whats wrong with snacks? Snacks can be a good source of vitamins, minerals, protein.

Op-try to ignore what your dc eats, you are putting a lot of pressure on her at mealtimes. Miscellaneous has some good advice above. Take away her plate without comment. If she's hungry later offer a healthy snack.

I hated dinners as a child, but will happily eat them as an adult. None of my mothers coaxing helped me like dinners better though!

If your schedule allows it could she not eat her 'main' meal when she gets in from school as this is when she is hungry? Perhaps she could then have a snack etc before bath/brushing teeth?

Just put the food in front of her at mealtimes.
All this snacking leads to fussy eaters.

I function on 3 meals a day - no snacks what so ever.
snacks are a media creation designed to get parents buying crap and pandering to their fussy children.

Breakfast - porridge, toast, eggs, fruit, water or fruit juice.
Lunch- soup, bread, cheese on toast, wraps, salad.
Dinner - healthy meals - casserole, curry, roast, fish ,veg.
Don't want that then tough !

Lucky you Alpaca. Many people (especially children!) don't. Especially children you are trying to encourage to eat more.

Little and often is also a valid way of eating, just not your preference.

If you have an eating disorder (whether anorexia, bulimia or binging - whether v underweight or v overweight) one of the first things advised is to try and get a pattern of 3 meals and 2-3 snacks.... this is obviously aimed at adults (there is a lot of reasoning behind it) nothing to do with OP but just challening your one-size-fits all solution

All this snacking leads to fussy eaters.

My DS snacks and he's definitely not fussy.

Children need food mid morning and mid afternoon too.

I agree snacks are a media inspired thing - there's a whole market dedicated to them.

The problem with letting everyone live off snacks is that the main carer will be constantly providing food willy nilly to various children - then the main carer invests time in cooking healthy meals but they are a waste of time/money and left uneaten.

I think you can be relaxed about food, but also stick to certain food times. Otherwise you run the risk of never being out of the kitchen, or not being able to go about your day without having to constantly provide snacks.

I like the tea to be over so we can get on with acitivites/homework/family time/whatever. I don't want to finish cooking, eating, and cleaning up the kitchen only for someone to tell me they actually quite fancy a bit of beans on toast now. I'm sorry, but the kitchen in closed. I think that is an important thing for children to learn and I think at 6, op's dd should be starting to understand this.

I think fussy eaters are made by all the anxiety ( it is an anxiety disorder)
I was anorexic as a teenager- it was nothing to do with food.
Starving myself down to 5 stone was a symptom of my turmoil, food was not the cause ( I don't want to discuss further)

If everyone lives off snacks, there is no need to prepare heavy main meals.

Alpaca Sorry, but that may be true for some, but it is definitely not true for all.

young children with a small appetite or who enjoy a very small range of foods are NOT anorexic.

2 different things.

Er I know - Im not comparing young DC to someone with anorexia- just pointing out that I suffered with it

Issues with food/eating are rarely to do with the food but with anxiety surrounding it.