If your child says they are hungry

[pookamoo]

After their bedtime, what do you give them?

Would your answer be different if you had earlier had to throw away an uneaten plate of dinner?

For the avoidance of dripfeeding, here is the reason behind the question:

DD1 (6) is a terrible eater and always has been. I have always taken the attitude of offering the food, if she doesn't eat it, I don't make something else, she goes without. I never serve anything she actually doesn't like, and I never force her to clear her place. Dessert is not withheld for an unfinished main course.

People say to me "just let her go hungry, she'll soon learn" but she doesn't "learn" and I don't think it is fair. She usually doesn't complain of being hungry.

This evening she refused to eat two thirds of her meal. She just ate the plain pasta, but left the sauce, veg and chicken. At bedtime she had a glass of milk and an apple. After lights out, she complained she was hungry and I refused to get her a snack.

I do feel like a terrible person, she got very upset and I have no doubt she actually was hungry.

We had a chat about choosing to eat your meal or not and the consequences of that choice and she had a drink of water and went off to sleep fine. I am anticipating two bowls of porridge tomorrow morning!

I have been thinking about it and wondering if we should change our evening routine so that I can get an extra "supper" type meal in. We usually eat around 5, the DC go in the bath about 6 (or upstairs for teeth etc) and in bed by 7. It's flexible.

Just wondering if I should bring the DCs' dinner forward to 4.30 ish, and squeeze in something extra before bedtime. If so, what?

cookie do you have other children? How do they react to it?
Just asking because at 2 (like your DS), DD1 was a small eater, but not fussy at all - she ate very small portions but would have a go at everything. DD2 who is 3 doesn't really notice although she does nick things off her sister's plate when she gets a chance!

All of this seems to have really kicked in since she started school, (she is 6 now) and along with other things like nail biting and hair sucking, I really do worry about her. I think it's an anxiety thing, maybe? Also, she doesn't have the energy she needs for school... I've said no to joining after school sports club as she has no energy for it because she doesn't eat enough!

Oh bless her. Are you able to discuss it with her? Maybe she needs an element of control - either family style on the table or "how many potatoes would you like, a lot or a little carrots today?". If she hasn't got much energy I'd probably offer after school and supper as well as a meal time as a kind of new routine. She may well eat at the "wrong" time to begin with but it would settle into some sort of pattern eventually. If she says eats fruit for one snack, an egg for another and crackers for another its sort of working out balanced even if not exactly normal. I'd agree with cookie its more important for it nto to become a "thing" than anything else. And for her to feel ok around food too.

I would give her a smaller meal at 5 ish, perhaps 1/2 - 2/3 the size that you usually give her, then toast/crumpet and fruit at 7 , before bed.

I totally agree. Making it a non-issue is so important - and the reason we did BLW with both DDs from the start!

they are out to give me grey hairs and lack of sleep, I think!

Yup it was blw and then reading around that that led us to deal with food issues the way we do. We had a tricky time at 2 (or was it 3?) When my eldest went through a phase of not wanting food touching. And pasta sauce seperate to the pasta... We just went with it and she eats fine now. it's very very very easy to make food a battle ground.

pook I've got one other, dd 4yo. She knows that what DS is or isn't eating is not to be discussed at the table. Well, sort of. I mean we have normal, general discussions about food, they both get a sticker for trying something new (which DS almost never does) and sometimes they have slurping competitions with their spaghetti!!

I was giving DS alternatives like his own meal or cereal but then dd eating went mildly fussy so I stopped that right away.

6 does seem late to suddenly change eating habits. I know my DS's problems are linked to how I weaned him.

All I can suggest is write a (secret) food diary for a week, and get the school nurses telephone number to have a chat. Hopefully she can discreetly weigh, measure, take blood sample or whatever from DD then talk to you without your dd?? Does that make sense? (I'm tired!!)

I think you might be worrying too much and therefor paving the way for picky eating.

I have 4 tiny DS's (very bottom percentile 0.4) and they are all bright sparky things and often burn out quicker then other kids. I don't worry at all and don't see their eating as a problem to be solved. Genetics has given them the wiry skinny gene and they will be fit healthy adults as a result. So many parents are obsessed with feeding kids up and assume bigger is better. Kids are so much larger then in the 50's/70's but eating habits today are often dire.

Can you skip the snack and serve lunch at 4 when they are really hungry. They give them a snack before bed - a banana or porridge or yogert or something.

I give DS ham sarnies or a banana and some milk before bed. He is four and until recently was a terrible eater so I never minded making him more food if he genuinely was hungry. Life is too short to get into battles about food IMO.

So skip the snack, eat the main meal at 4 and have a bedtime snack at 7. Also stop begging her to have one more mouthful. Accept she's not fussed and kindly explain that's all there is till bedtime but she can leave it or eat it, you don't mind.

Before putting food on her plate, I'd ask her what she wants to eat and just put there what she asks for. She could have more if she wants, but she should eat all she asks for.

That way at least there is no spoilt food. If she is hungry later then she can have the left overs or other nutritious food.

I relate to the earlier post about grazing. I prefer to eat smaller portions but can keep eating during the day. DS takes many snacks too, although he tends to eat well at meals, but never huge portions.

I make DS a dinner that I am fairly confident he will eat. I do introduce new things but he has a very limited repertoire of meals he would eat. He has a small appetite but will eat quite a lot in the evenings.
He has dinner which he usually leaves a bit of. Then fruit and plain yoghurt with honey. If he says he's still hungry later he either gets the rest of his dinner (if he's left around half or more), nuts, fruit or toast. He's so slight and fussy that if he's hungry I will feed him but if he's left a lot of dinner he will be offered that first. That way I know if he's really hungry or not too!

Do you put the food on the plates before they leave the kitchen? Have you tried putting food in serving dishes and allowing her to help herself?

Does she help you meal plan? Does she help you cook? Do you grow any vegetables she help with?

If you meal plan, could you take photos of the meals and put them on a planner so she can she anticipate what is for dinner?

What does she eat at school? Packed lunch or school dinner? As a teacher, I often find children who eat well at school because everyone around them is eating too.

Do you have a 'rhythm' to meal times? Is she involved? Setting the table as a family - tablecloth, napkins, cutlery, glasses, a wee vase of flowers, condiments, etc.

Why on earth did you not allow her to do after school sports clubs?

Get her signed up & running around, she's much more likely to eat her dinner then.

It's surprising how little food children actually need. Most of us try to over feed them really.

An apple & a glass of milk are plenty before bed, though if she eats bananas, they're a better option.

I would have just said 'Are you? Well, once your milk and apple reaches your tummy you won't be anymore, good night x'.

If she's having a snack after school and knows she'll get one later, why would she eat dinner if she prefers the snacks? She's told you as much. She said she was hungry, but didn't want dinner, she wanted a snack...

But honestly, don't make food an issue. She's 6. They're supposed to look underfed, not chunky. They're not supposed to eat loads. We worry FAR too much about food.

I often find children who eat well at school because everyone around them is eating too.

This. Since he could feed himself, DS eats with us at the same time at the same table. All meals if at all possible. It's a nice time for a chat.

I would just say "well you should have eaten your dinner" to my children.

But we eat quite close to bedtime anyway - dinner at 6pm, bedtime at 7.30, so there isn't that much time to get hungry in between.

Once your pyjamas are on and teeth cleaned, it's too late, you've had your chance, and have to wait until morning.

Ds sometimes struggles with a full meal in the evening. Could you switch around what she has and when: cooked lunch, smaller dinner? On the odd occasion ds hasn't eaten his dinner but says he's hungry before bed I offer him a slice of bread and butter and his usual milk. But he's not a fussy eater and has quite a late snack at his cm so it's not generally his fault.

Tbh I'm not sure I'd get him anything if he told me he was hungry once he'd gone to bed because of indigestion and risk of being sick. The only alternative would be to delay bedtime which would mean tiredness the following day. Going to bed hungry isn't ideal, for anyone, so it might be worth swapping amounts/ eating times around. That and loads of exercise.

I have emailed the school nurse.

The after school sports clubs just wouldn't work. She is hanging by 7, there's no way she could go to football club and not get home til 6 before tea, having had barely a scrap to eat since lunch time (and she has started leaving her sandwiches).

I look at the huge dark circles under her eyes in her pale little face and she just looks ill.

The "one more spoonful" isn't every time. As I said, we have tried hard not to make food an issue.

lionman she doesn't like the school dinners and has come home crying before because she's been told "you ordered it, you have to eat it" when she had been "brave" and ordered something she thought she would try... then she found she didn't like it but was told it had to be eaten. She rarely therefore has a cooked lunch.

My 3 year old dose that a lot. he hardly ever eats much of his dinner, I'm always being told to let him go hungry but I can't do it. I know its bad of me but I will still give my son pudding even if he hasn't had much dinner, if he dose ask for something at bed time I will give him a sandwich or some chease on toast, I'd rather him go to sleep full than hungry, x

The general advice for healthy eating is to eat when you are hungry and not when you aren't.

As long as the food is healthy whenever it is eaten this will work.

Why on earth would people not give their children food when they are hungry?

I have one very fussy child and one that hoovers up everything in sight.

The rules are the same for both of them. I expect them to eat enough at mealtimes to get through till the next mealtime. We rarely do snacks, when we do its either straight after a meal (sweets, choc etc) or after an activity when a meal is not going to be soon.

We do all the usual things of sitting down to a meal as a family, no 'alternatives' unless you have made them yourself, no coaxing, no forcing etc. The Fruit bowl (and carrots) are available all the time - no restrictions.

regardless, dd will still go hungry if the food isn't to her liking/ she's not in the mood/ the wind isn't blowing in the right direction.

All I can say is that your dd probably isn't going to change no matter what you do. You just have to back off. You're making food available to her. She can eat it or leave it, it up to her.

Things get a little easier as they get older. dd is 11 now and in theory can make herself something to eat. I haven't got any objection to her doing that as long as she doesn't make a fuss or a mess. It's invariably hummus, pitta bread and raw veg though as she likes cooking as much as she likes eating. She would eat that for every single meal.

With regard to them being hungry at night. When this happens (it's quite rare) I let them have slice of cheese. It's the one thing you can eat after cleaning your teeth and I would rather they slept than lay there starving.

Pook do you give her vitamin supplements? I give them to mine - they're full of sweeteners but I guess it's the lesser of thee two evils.

icebeing when you are desperately trying to get your child to start respecting a pattern of meal times then just dishing out food at any time of the day, whenever it's demanded isn't going to help. My two both declared they were hungry at 11am today. They had breakfast at 8 and a snack at 9:30. I told them they would have to wait - lunch was at 12:30pm. If I'd fed them at 11am they wouldn't eat their lunch. Then they'd be starving by 3pm demanding more food, which if they had then wouldn't eat their dinner at 5pm!!!

I've just seen read your previous posts properly about her not having enough energy because she's not eating enough.

This might not be the case. my fussy dd is a sportaholic and always has been doing several clubs a week despite eating like a bird.

my ds, who appears to be hollow with regard to food, has quite an anxious personality. He is frequently quite 'drained' by the end of the school day, which he can find very mentally stressful. Despite appearing to have lots of physical energy he has only just started to have the stamina (at 9)to do activities after school.

I wouldn't assume her lack of energy is necessarily food related.

You say she doesn't have the energy she needs for school- how does this show itself?

Oops-cross post!