Am I the only working mother who DOESNT feel guilty about it?

[mrsleomcgary]

Read a couple of features/articles in the papers over the last few days and where the subject is a working mother they all talk about the guilt they about it. Which has made me realise that actually, I don't feel guilty about working full time.

My pfb is 9 months old and I love her more than anything. I went back to work full time when she was 7 months old and childcare is split between dh (who works shifts) my inlaws and a childminder 1 day a week. I changed jobs just after going back to work and one of my new colleagues in particular is aghast that I work full time,not in a judgey way but she's a good bit older so maybe it's more of a generation thing, and even friends comment how hard it must be. But it's not,i love my job and can't imagine being home with the baby all day everyday.

I realise that given my situation with childcare and the fact I actually enjoy my job I am incredibly lucky and in other circumstances perhaps I would feel that guilt. Financially I have to work full time but I'm not convinced I would work part time we're it a viable option. Anyone else or am I the evil hag mother from hell?

sorry forget who said it but I did state in my original post that I thought my situation re childcare helped me feel no guilt about going to work.

I haven't read more than the first few responses, but just pointing out that the idea of women staying at home to look after their children while their husbands/partners went out of the home to a separate workplace to do something called a 'job' is a comparatively recent phenomenon, not some transcultural, transhistorical norm.

And no, I have never felt in the least guilty about working. It has never occurred to me as an emotion I might feel. Nor do I know any parent, male or female, who does. Isn't it just a media invention, like women being obsessed with shoes and chocolate, which some women, for their own various reasons, have internalised?

No guilt here either - went back full time when both DS's were 17 weeks, oldest is 3, youngest is now 7 months. They have far more fun at pre-school and day care than they do at home with me!

I like my job, I'm good at it and it pays me a lot of money for relatively minimal effort!

Brassrubbing - There was an interesting stat on LinkedIn earlier - it was from an American site so I don't know if it applies in the UK or not - in the 1950s, 25% of Americans worked for themselves and now only 8% do. there's been a huge movement away from generating your own income towards becoming somebody else's salaried employee.

In relation to what you said, I think the move also represents a move away from all members of the family pitching in to do whatever it takes to make money towards one person taking all the responsibility (and ownership!) of a single salary.

In the past, for example, women would have been involved in serving at the counter, doing the books, making deliveries, boxing up orders, or whatever. They would have done this alongside their husbands while looking after children. As per the stats I quoted above, the world of work has evolved away from this model, and has made it much harder to reconcile earning a living with raising children.

So - certainly for working class women - the idea that they ought to stay at home all day just to look after their children and not contribute anything to the family income would have been unthinkable. Those of us who work therefore, are just as 'traditional' as those who stay at home.

Nope don't feel guilty but I would like to spend more time with DS, he just doesn't want to spend it with me - he is happy to go to before and after school clubs at school to spend time with his friends!! Then in the holidays he is happy that he gets to spend so much time being spoilt by grandparents and great grandparents!! So if i didn't work i would spend a lot of time at home alone anyway!!! Plus i have worked really hard at my job to get myself to a good point and earn a good wage!!

No, me!

4 kids, 16-8, work 2 hours away 4 days a week. Have always worked, never felt guilty. Would feel guilty sitting at home polishing my house with my level of expertise and education! Lots of people wouldn't - that's absolutely fine too. And most importantly I love it. And I'm a great role model for my sons and my daughters- ie do what works for you and your family. Where's the guilt?

Do what you like, I say. There will always be people who think you are doing it wrong. The key is that I couldn't give a hot damn what they think!

I went back to work when DD1 was 4 months old, I have 3DCs with 2.5 average years between them. When they were small and I had A1 childcare, it was fine, I knew they were getting plenty of stimulation etc..

I think it is fine when your DCs are small and you can rely on family to help or you have excellent childcare.

Where it gets harder is when you don't have family or good childcare. It's when they are older and it's the holidays and I find myself out of the house before they are up and back at 5pm, having left them to their own devices. I would like to be able to suggest stimulating activities, oversee revision/homework during the day, make sure they are on reputable internet sites (though we do have parental control; it's as much about being there to educate them about navigating the net responsibly). It's just about 'being there' and being available, and I feel, in the absence of another family member looking after them, it's then that the guilt creeps in.

Jugglingchaotically Mine are 16, 14 and 11. It's def harder when they are older. They need you just as much, if not more, I'd say, and external childcare does not meet that need.

What a refreshing thread. And such a great counter to the predictable cultural narrative of the "guilty working mother" we see so often in the media.

A recent study found that WOHMs of today actually spend more time with their children than SAHMs did in the 1960s. So the idea that WOHMs are somehow shortchanging their children as compared to previous generations of SAHMs is simply untrue.

I don't feel guilty. Actually I feel quite justified. I have 4 children who I adore and I want to provide them with healthy food, warm clothes, nice experiences and possibly university when they are older.

I do not feel guilty but I do feel sad and I miss my DC loads.

I am travelling for work next week (6 days to US) and I am dreading it.

I think it's pretty easy going back to ft work, when they're small, if you're happy about childcare.

I went back ft and for two years chased my tail a bit, realised that I wasn't 100% happy and was exhausted, doing everything badly, and I was poorly, so I chose to reduce my hours and do more project results focused work.

Now pt and much prefer it as dcs are older and I find they need MORE of my attention than when they were little. Their lives are a lot more complicated and extra classes, play dates etc need to be organised.

When they are older again I'll ramp up to ft, but in the meantime, I work pt (till 3 pm) to give them the time they need in primary. Every mum in the school works, and a few of them only are pt, most of them are ft.

I think if childcare isn't sorted out so that everyone's happy and there is little job satisfaction, then guilt comes into play.

Kids get more complicated and need you more as they are older IME.
It's great to have flexibility and the option of flexi time and working from home. It's only a few years pt, but it think they're important at this age.

Nope, no guilt in this house. Ds is in fulltime nursery 8-6 and I work 5 days a week fulltime and have done since he was a year. Even if I could afford to drop down to 4 days a week I wouldn't want to and it would have a negative impact on my career. I start mat leave for dc2 in the new year and ds (2) will still be going fulltime for the first term and then dropping down to 3 day a week.

He gets more out of nursery than being with me, I keep my financial freedom, my career, and my sanity by working. Will go back fulltime when dc2 mat leave is finished and will probably rejoice at being able to go back.

the only time I feel guilty working is during the school holidays when I have to put dd into holiday clubs. When I was ft I also felt guilty for having time for myself at the weekend.

The sexism around this though is shocking. My dh is self employed so also has flexibility and contributes fully to childcare and family life. He also thinks it would be hard for him to have a proper full time job.

I set up my own company at the beginning of the year after 2.75 years at home with two DS. It has gone really well and I am nearly full time and I love it. It got to the point where I was so frustrated and bored at home that I felt I was doing my children a disservice by not going to work. I often feel guilty that I do not feel guilty about working!

i didnt go back to work happily and would have much preferred a longer mat leave (but it was only 3 and 4 months back then)
i dont think i felt guilt though. it was a primitive sadness at separation
i like my job. part time works for me tho. full time would not work for me. not thro guilt though

I don't now (mine are 3.10 and 18mo) but when ds1 goes to school next year I want to drop to 70% and finish at 2.30 three days a week. I was happy leaving him with a cm full time at 7 mo but I really want to pick him up from school, have play dates, know his teachers etc.

I don't feel guilty at all either. I don't work because I need to particularly put food on the table. We could survive if I didn't work, but my relationship with my DH suffers, as he hates the pressure of being the sole earner, I spend all day cleaning because Im terrible at it and I have all day to do it, and I don't want my 2 boys to grow up thinking that a mummy's job is to cook and clean. They know I work and I do the same job as daddy.
For the people saying it's harder once the children are older, that was one of my many reasons for not becoming a SAHM. My job means I can be a bit flexible in that regard. I can work on a contract basis, which affords me flexibility and a high enough hourly rate that I can say I only want to work mornings, or 3 days a week. I only have that option because of my extensive, up to date experience. In the long term, my family have benefitted greatly from having two parents who work, I feel more than they would have having me at home. Parenting is a long game, not just the 5 years before your child goes to school.

And I hate playdates. I sometimes pretend Im working when Im not to avoid them !

Nope!

It's so so good to read this thread.

I'm in mat level with dc2 and dying of boredom and loneliness - I think about work constantly all day long! I am breast feeding and too tired to be working yet - she is 5 months - but I'm starting work from home as soon as I can

I have friends and a social life on the two days each week I also have my toddler - Which I enjoy - but I cannot bear going to baby groups with a tiny baby am having more mum chat ! Agree with the comment about play dates they make me feel suffocated!

The only thing I would say is tht I have always worked part time - personally I would not enjoy working full time and missing my time with my children .. But that's partly because I want work life balance not just because I think the children bee me

I think it's interesting that people say older children need more time - all the more reason to keep working and building a career when they are young so you have more choice later

I totally agree with the boring mum chat during mat leave second time round. First time it was all a novelty plus I had baby-free friends. Now I'm bored of it and all my baby-free friends have babies so there's no escaping it... Aside from at work where it's not really the fine thing to harp on about babies/kids...

Waterrat. Absolutely agree. If I could do it again, I would build career earlier and go part time later. (Say 90% of a year to get extra days).
It definitely gets more difficult as they get older. And the work holidays become less and less sufficient! Taking days off to support various events/activities/school moves/uni visits etc and to do things at half term or the summer and have a Christmas is hard on 20 or even 25 days leave.

I only feel guilty in the holidays or if I end up working a few week ends in a row.