Am I the only working mother who DOESNT feel guilty about it?

[mrsleomcgary]

Read a couple of features/articles in the papers over the last few days and where the subject is a working mother they all talk about the guilt they about it. Which has made me realise that actually, I don't feel guilty about working full time.

My pfb is 9 months old and I love her more than anything. I went back to work full time when she was 7 months old and childcare is split between dh (who works shifts) my inlaws and a childminder 1 day a week. I changed jobs just after going back to work and one of my new colleagues in particular is aghast that I work full time,not in a judgey way but she's a good bit older so maybe it's more of a generation thing, and even friends comment how hard it must be. But it's not,i love my job and can't imagine being home with the baby all day everyday.

I realise that given my situation with childcare and the fact I actually enjoy my job I am incredibly lucky and in other circumstances perhaps I would feel that guilt. Financially I have to work full time but I'm not convinced I would work part time we're it a viable option. Anyone else or am I the evil hag mother from hell?

My girls are teens now and I've always worked right from when they were tiny.

I've never felt guilty but I have guilty about not feeling guilty if that makes any sense at all

I don't feel guilty about it at all. I went back to work pt when dd was 5.5 months because dh took 3 months of to look after her. I'm the higher earner so it made sense financially and to be honest I was climbing the walls. I loved going back to work even if it did mean dh bringing her in every lunch time for the first month so I could bf (she suddenly decided she wouldn't touch a bottle). I now work full-time and dh works 4 days.

I wonder sometimes if it is a lot to do with my own upbringing. Both my parents worked full time but I never remember feeling I missed out on them. They always made time for me and I always felt loved. I think my mum working while I grew up taught me a lot and it is important to me that dd sees me working.

Most of the people I know who feel guilty either had sahms when they were children or felt their working mums didn't spend enough time with them. I guess there is no bad association for me so I have no reason to think dd won't be perfectly happy with me working, just as I was when my mum worked.

Not at all
I'd be a rubbish SAHM, and I'm a good social worker. I don't see the difficulty with being a good mum and working, I'm glad I can model hard work to my son, as well as women having careers being a normal fact of life. I'd be so bored and unfulfilled if I didn't have a career, I'd probably get depressed.

I don't feel guilt. I love my children and give them everything when I am with them, all my time, all my interest, but I NEED to work for my sanity, literally. I had crippling PND both maternity leaves which disappears when I return to work. I did a little involuntary skip as I arrived at work for my first day. I'm very bookish and I just need that outlet I think. i also struggle to get any 'me time' due to my husband's job, so my work is my 'me time'

also, my working enabled us to save up to buy a house, and makes us much less financially precarious (DH is freelance).

my children love their childcare. my son squealed for joy when i said he would be doing 2 full days again when I went back to work. and my daughter waves and shrieks with delight and cuddles into her key worker when she gets there. they give them so many different experiences (I'm not at all good at doing arts and crafts for instance) and so much love (we don't have much family near so I think this is good for them)

plus DH does a day a week so they get a full day just with their dad, which is good for everyone I think!

plus i HATE housework, and I'm terrible at it, so this way we pay for a cleaner so the house is clean and I'm not grumpy about having to clean it!

No, I would rather be part time to be honest, but such is life. Anyone who criticses can come walk a mile in my shoes...

My girls are 10 and almost 15 and I do not feel a second of guilt and never have.

RJ - don't want to hijack thread but most in the thread have younger DCs. I too had no guilt when DCs preschool but it's getting worse as they get older. (Job change didn't help to be fair).
Interested to hear more of your experience as your DCs are older.

I must be missing a trick because it wasn't a finanxially viable option for me.

Both dh and I were london commuters working full time before DD, we have no family near-by. This meant that post DD even on my fairly decent london wage we'd be making a household income loss each month due to childcare costs.

I doubt i would have felt guilty if there was a financial benefit to going back ft but i would have had I of gone back for the sake of it.

I felt no guilt at all, our cm is wonderful, better than I would be if I was at home.

This was said way up thread and I totally agree with it.

I work ft with some flexibility and I love my career and role I'm in now - I get a lot is satisfaction from earning nearly the same as DP and having a nice life where treats are because we've worked hard.

Dd, although only a toddler understands we work to earn pennies and pennies buy things like food and treats. She gets it already. Weekends are family time as our the minute we walk in from work/cm - toys out, dinner together and talk about our day.

I would be shit at home ft with a toddler and I find I become lazy at home when I'm off - I do things for me rather than dd (meet with friend for lunch, watch non-kids tv). Dd slots around me and I feel guilty then for not being like her cm!

Perhaps the guilt may set as dd gets older; it's been useful to read this thread to be more aware of that happening.

I too had no guilt when DCs preschool but it's getting worse as they get older. (Job change didn't help to be fair)

Since ds has started school I've felt more guilty as I know parental input is more important and has more impact on a child during primary school. So not being around for most of the week really bothers me!

DH has just got a promotion so I can think about cutting hours - I just need to wait for our revised childcare arrangements to settle then decide.

I found it is harder as they grow - not being able to have friends round midweek, not being able to do the after school activity they want to do, limited afterschool childcare options ( which one or other doesn't like) and the fact that after a long and sometime boring day at school, they just want to come home, can all lead to unhappy DC at times. I found it much easier when they were preschoolers.

I've found the logistics harder at school. Mine are yr3 now. Our school very much expects a parent to be at home and structure a lot around that. All play tickets are available in the playground/office, parents evening sign up is 8.45 on the classroom door. I'd expected to be able to make fewer sports days, assemblies etc working full time, but not that the whole set up would be against me. They've received a lovely project to do for half term but I don't suppose for a second it's occurred to them that a subset of the children have no more time than they do in term time, as they're in holiday care. Which my children are ridiculously excited about going to today. It does offset not having friends etc round.

My dd1 is 15 now and yes, the primary school years can be tough, because some schools are set up for one parent to be at home, which I wasn't. Having said that, we moved when dd1 went into yr3 and the second school was much more set up for both parents to be working. So all communication was done via email/text or put into book bags rather than expecting parents to be in the playground. It is possible for schools to accommodate working parents, but some choose not to bother. Secondary schools are much easier to deal with, mainly because they don't tend to have much contact with any parent so they don't expect you to be around during the day.

I think it's because your baby is only at a childminders once a week. The rest is split between your DH and inlaws, which is completely different to leaving her with strangers?

MamaMed why should it make a difference whether you are leaving dc with family or leaving them with a cm? The op isn't asking why she doesn't feel guilty, just stating that she doesn't. Lots of us don't feel guilty at all, and I suspect we use a variety of childcare options. I used family when dd1 was small, but ft cm for dd2. Didn't feel any guilt either time.

No. I went back 4.5 days a week when DS was 5 months old. I love my job, he loves nursery, and we enjoy our time together much more because of it - we're both quite intense characters! I teach and I remember being at a school evening function quite early on and one well-meaning-I'm-sure mum said how lovely it was to see me and then asked, who's looking after baby? Erm, his other parent?!! I felt more cross than guilty and also sorry for her that she obviously never had that sort of support.

I feel guilty and wish I didn't.

I'm on mat leave with dc2 and have been wracking my brains with how childcare will work when I go back next summer. I'd like 3 days per week but am fairly senior and manage a team so just don't think it's possible. I did 4 days pw before mat leave and struggled.

I felt like I didn't know DD1 as much as I should. I feel like I missed out. She eventually settled at nursery and grandparents but it took a while.

DH is self-employed and I earn more than him so I feel a lot of pressure.

I'm also a bit of a control freak which I don't think helps. My parents both worked FT when we were little and I do think it had a negative effect on us. My brother definitely could've done with having a parent around during his primary years. I'm fairly sure we both would've done better overall academically if we'd had a parent at home who totally knew what was going on school-wise. We could get away with not doing homework because we would tell our nanny that we were doing it (when really we'd be watching telly or just staring at the ceiling) and then tell mum it was done and she'd accept that. She was too far removed from it to actually know what was what.

My work has just reduced a lot of it's flexible working schemes so I'm worried about going back. I have a 1.5hr commute each way so it means being out from 7:30-6:30 and not seeing the children on those days at all. I'm also pissed off as i purposely stayed with my employer, knowing I was underpaid, to make use if it's flexible working arrangements. I now wish I'd gone for bigger/better roles elsewhere and could probably be earning 15-20% more.

This is the other problem - I'm quite money motivated so I want to earn well. We also have a big mortgage (and a lovely house that we couldn't afford if it wasn't for my job).

Such is life I guess but pre-DC I totally underestimated how much being a working parent would spin my head. We should've bought a smaller house which may have relieved some pressure from me.

I don't feel guilty when I'm at work I guess but the overall picture makes me sad. If I have to go back FT I literally will see my DDs from Saturday morning to Sunday night. Part of me thinks it might be worth it if I then move to a higher paid role, another part of me is mortified.

Constantly conflicted.

Sorry - just coming back to the point of feeling more guilty as children get older.

For us, we have usually been able to make sure one of us got along to important school events, which I think has helped. I've never felt it mattered if it was me or it was DH, as long as one of us could be there. It probably also helps that the school does realise people work, unlike other schools mentioned above.

It also mattered that I made sure I have always had Childcare I was fully comfortable with, and completely trusted. I think the stress of leaving them somewhere you are just not completely happy with - be that relatives or paid Childcare - must be hard.

But finally, we need to stop beating ourselves up about this. I doubt many men feel guilt over working. And from the viewpoint of having older children, I'm happy to see mines becoming confident, intelligent, actually quite nice (when the hormones aren't going mad) people. Sahm isn't a gold standard for parenting. It is only one way of doing it, a relatively recent invention at that, and not always the best thing for the child or the parent.

Mat, I've just read your post and the problem wasn't the working bit - it was the not being in touch with what was happening with your children bit. That can happen in any circumstance sadly.

Oh and mat it doesn't have to be you personally who takes responsibility for these things - is your husband around more at home? What matters is someone doing it.

Also I think it's getting easier to keep in touch now - Skype and FaceTime? So because you are not physically home, doesn't mean you can't talk to them. My oldest texts me a lot now during the working week to tell me test results or ask if I can pick her up something on the way home or just have a general moan about something!

I don't feel guilty at all

I love my job, I like that my children know I've worked hard for a career, that I'm a single parent with a mortgage, car etc and can do it all. They know I work to pay for fun stuff like holidays and trips.

I'd hate to be one of those mums at the school all the time

I don't feel guilty for working, and never did, not when they were little babies and not now they're teens/tweens. I really like having a job to go to, and I think I'm lucky that my dds have all been quite happy in various forms of childcare, I would have found it hard if they'd been miserable at nursery or after school club.

But I have often worked part time, DP also works part time, and we both have jobs that are flexible in terms of hours and location so we can work at home a lot etc. Also, now the older two dds are home alone in the holidays, they have each other (and sometimes dd3 too), I know that they get lonely at home alone when it's just one of them.

My mother worked full time from when I was about 8 and I actually liked it, I liked coming home after school to a house without parents in it, having a bit of space to eat junk food and pootle around. I also liked having a mother with a career, I could see she enjoyed her job.

I can't bloody wait to go back in March when DD is 8 months. Only staying off till then as I get good mat pay. Tax wise its best to do 2 1/2 days a week but I am going for 4. DD will do 2 days nursery and 2 days CM. I will make no extra income as wages all eaten up with childcare until the 15 hrs free kicks in at age 3.

I worked bloody hard to get to where I am and I love my job. Also I lack patience so DD will be better off not spending every day with me. The nursery does lots of activities (which is why it is so expensive ) so I figure we won't have to do too much with DD in the way of classes on a regular basis for a good while.

Sorry not read the other posts which might say the same. My two were in full time nursery from under a year old. I never had an issue with this and did not feel any guilt. Until they started school. Now I feel they miss out on a lot and its impossible for them to attend normal after school activities like other children or have play dates or go to brownies etc. I would happily go part time or give up if I could as I feel enormous guilt, but can not afford to now sadly without a very very big change in everything else.

No, no guilt here.

When DC1 was small, I had to go back financially so it didn't matter whether I felt guilty or not. We could always have downsized to reduce our mortgage payments as we had a lot of equity but seeing as we didn't choose to do that, any guilt I did feel can't have been very pressing!

Now DCs are older and we're in a better situation financially, I still don't feel guilty. We went abroad this year for the first time in years - it was fabulous. DC1 has been able to pursue a quite expensive hobby. We've been able to make significant home impovements which have improved all of our lives (kids can have sleepovers etc, room for homework).

I think any "guilt" from not being at home would just transfer to "guilt" at not being able to provide all of these extras. I've been there - watching every penny, forecasting every spent, having absolutley no felxibility or spontaneity in our lives because, y'know, money. It was miserable and I have no intention of going back there.

I think the actual issue they should address is why it is considered fine for a man to have minimal contact with children but not the woman? Surely we should be looking at parenting, not mothering? Or at least articles about men who'd like to spend more time with their kids but think they'd miss a promotion if not at their desk 16 hours a day?

Women spending most of their time with their children is a cultural expectation. Most research is done with mother/infant interaction and goes on and on about how important it is - but what if your mother is dead, is the father a somehow poor substitute?

I don't feel guilt and DH doesn't feel guilt when he leaves work early to pick up DD because I'm in a late meeting. The idea that men should prioritise work over family and women should prioritize kids over everything harms everyone.