How to deal with useless ex? (Father to my DDs)

[4littleones]

I'm seriously at the end of my tether with the ex. I'm aat here in tears yet again on a day he has them. im fed up with it.

is there anything I can do? he wouldn't harm them, so im guessing there is nothing I can do? he does however feed them shit, let them run wild, has taken them out numerous times in incorrect car seats, messes me around constantly with time, causes endless amounts of pointless problems etc. im just sick of it.

he is taking them on holiday in 2 weeks with his family and I'm massively regretting agreeing to it.

he seems to think he can do whatever he wants. he has them twice a month MAX for one day, despite living 5 mins away (his choice although I am glad he doesnt have them more).

my biggest mistake of my life was having children with a looser. not that I dont love the kids to bits and wouldn't change them for the world. But my current partner and father of my boys is just amazing and makes me feel awful that the girls are stuck with a looser of a dad for the rest of their lives.

There is very very little you can do. Learn to manage your feelings...

tbh the only thing id kick up a stink about is the carseats. if they are legally unfit for the dcs then I would do something about it.

The rest is simply a different parentong style.

its my children's feelings, their health and their safety and welfare that are the issue. not my feelings.

Eating crap one day a fortnight and running wild doesn't sound like it's going to hurt them.

The car seats, if unsafe, are a huge issue.

its not just the things listed in e OP, believe me. just didnt want to go on too much and im sat breastfeeding my little one so only one handed on my phone.

but more examples are having a car accident with them in the car and not telling me. so couldnt keep an eye on them for wiplash etc which isn't always obvious straight away. in the words of my daughter " Daddy wasn't looking where he was going snd crashed into somebody and broke their car". it obviously wasnt a major accident but I still should of been informed in case anything showed up later. I didnt find out for weeks when my my daughter saw something and suddenly came out with it.

she has also said she has been "lost" while out, on 2 occasions at least that I know of. I know it can happen to anybody but as he has them 1-2 times per month you would think he could keep hold of them. I have double the amount of children and have them all the time, and have never lost any of them.

they come home really hungry every time. they have apparently had "dinner" but then find out its more like they have picked on crap all day and if they are lucky enough they have sometimes had a McDonald's or beans on toast but thats on a good day.

they are lovely children. everywhere we go people comment on how well behaved and polite they are. they are happy and content. except when they have come back from his house (or actually his mums house as he lives with her rent free and yet keeps reducing payments through CSA because he claims he can't afford the payments). When they come back from his house they are miserable and rude and badly behaved. they also come home wanting to call my DP Daddy, which I find odd as I thought it would be the opposite.

There is very little you can do about his parenting style when the DDs are with him, sadly.

The car seat issue is a major problem though - are they being put in seats which are not legal for them? If so, then I would have to follow this up I think and tell him that it's not acceptable. I would then perhaps ring the non-emergency police number and give them his car reg and explain that he isn't securing the children properly. Tell him you're going to do this if he persists with it.

I have kicked up a huge fuss over the car seats on numerous occasions. and offered to pay for new ones and offered to drop them off and pick them up so he didnt have to drive them. Each time he has refused and swore not to do it again but then I find out that he has.

today he was meant to drop them home normal time between 5-6 pm. They have had a busy weekend and usually go to bed by 7. He is now refusing to bring them home till later because he hasn't seen them for a month (which was his fault as he cancelled having them) and they are going to pick up a pizza and then take them to his new girlfriends house to play with her son.

I don't usually mind but:
a) he didnt contact me to let me know, I contacted him to see if they were nearly home and he replied saying it will be more like 8pm onwards. so he hasn't bothered to tell me.
b) I have no idea who this girlfriend is and nor do my kids.
c) they have school in the morning and are going to be absolutely shattered in the morning and don't cope well with the lack of sleep. which he wouldn't know about as he never has them long enough to know things like this.

Do you know for certain that he is putting them into illegal car seats? This is dangerous and is more immediately important than the poor parenting that you describe.

he has just dropped them off and has been driving them around (a good couple of hours) with no car seats what so ever. this is the shit I've had enough of. I made it clear to him last time that if he does it again with the car seats then he would have to go through the courts for access as not having their lives put at risk for no reason.

The car seats is obviously a massive concern. I would not be happy at all and I would not be letting him take them again until I saw correct car seats in place for them

How old are your dds op?

How old are they? No car seats / unsafe carseats is a dealbreaker for me, undr a certain age/height/weight.

I think you should call the non-emergency police number and explain that your ex is carrying your kids in the car with no car seats. Give them the registration, and report that they were dropped off to you not in car seats.

I don't know anything about custody and access but I would imagine it would help to have this on the record.

he had the car seats when he left here. there is no way I would of handed them over without them. This is the problem as its once they are not with me.

according to the girls, he moved them to his girldfriends car. she has a toddler so he had a car seat, and apparently DD2 had a car seat too. so then DD1 didnt have space and was "squashed between 2 car seats which is better than no car seat" (DDs words)

he is denying all knowledge

how old are they?

They are 5 and 6. it was my 6 year old who had no car seat. she is teeny for her age (clothes are 4-5 years). she is just over a metre tall so no where near the legal height for no booster and I checked and she isnt even legally heavy enough for a booster seat.

I would do as a previous poster said and phone non emergency police and have them log it

Surely the police won't be able to do anything unless they actually catch him doing it?

would you allow them to go on the holiday? I really don't want to stop them but im so worried. there is the car seat issue for one but also the swimming pool safety, watching them properly in new places, I know all the adults will be drinking in the evenings. and his family who are going are the sort of people who wouldnt think twice about driving back after a few drinks, kids in tow. ive never let mine go in the car with anybody who has been drinking but it's going to be out of my control.

all his family are the same. They wont understand the issue with the car seat.

he has now admitted it but apparently the no car seat thing was only for 5 mins to go and get the booster seat. but ive told him previously that she needs a high back booster, and they were jjst being tight arses not taking 2 cars.

I really dont know what to do. I don't feel like I can trust him at all with them, let alone for a whole week with a load of equally untrustworthy people I massively regret agreeing to it.

I don't think it matters that the police may not be able to actually arrest him. It will be logged as information, and then hopefully it may be marked against the registration number on the police databases. (Assuming you know a registration number).

If you're concerned about the safety of your children then don't let them go. Communicate with him via email or text so you have a record of what was said.

The possibility of drunk driving would mean I wouldn't let them go, tbh. If they're the sort of people that would do that plus no car seats, do they even have insurance, MOT or licences?

their Dad previously lost his driving licence due to driving without insurance and also speeding. but he has it back now, he lost it while we were together.

His whole family are going but I dont trust any of them to be honest. even when we were together and all got on, I wouldn't trust them to babysit because they are just too laid back with safety. His mum (who he lives with) is a childminder but I have witnessed a toddler escaping from her house and she didnt even notice till he was returned. they would all be left unsupervised from a very young age for hours. we could go round and 2 hours later realise there were 3 toddlers in the playroom who we didnt even know were there as she was sat chatting to us in another room. (Yes I did speak to ofsted as have others but they are all extremely good at lying and putting on a "perfect family" act).

he is now admitting the car seat thing from yesterday but can't see any problem with it. He admits he could of done something better but is adamant that they weren't in any danger.

I managed to find some old messages from last time and screen shotted them. it makes it very clear that if he is found using the car with them without correct car seats then he will have to go through the courts for access as it's a massive no no as far as I am concerned.

he now knows there is a good chance they wont be going on the holiday. he isnt happy obviously. but im more concerned about how upset the girls will be. We are looking into if we can afford to take them somewheee instead but already have a week at Butlins at the end of the holidays. Their cousins will be there though so they would have a great time.

Another thing I am concerned about is if they will be left unattended in the caravan. there are too many people to all be in one. and they are too selfish not to want to stay up drinking together once the kids go to bed. so I'm wondering if they will put the kids to bed and then all go in one caravan till they go to bed.

but basically he lies about everything and cant be trusted to tell me the thruth about any of it. so theres not point even asking as he will just tell me whatever to keep me quiet. anything that happens I find out later on through the kids. but I know even then that it's only a matter of time till he has them lying to me, which will be another final straw for me. Although I obviously don't know for sure that he hasnt done this before.

do you think it's too late to call the police now? I am happy to do it. I don't have his car registration number but can get it, although possibly not until tonight if I can't find it without driving past his house (he will be at work at the moment and I have no idea where that is). but I might be able to think of a way to get it sooner.

I don't think it's too late to call the non-emergency number, that's what it is there for.

Thanks.

ive got the registration number and will be phoning them as soon as DS1 goes for a nap. bit worried though, I hate doing things like this!

Hope it has gone ok re contacting the police. Just remember that you are doing the right thing for your children.