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Parenting

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Original poster

I'm a terrible mother

115 replies

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 02:54

Just that, really.

I work full time, as does DH. We have a nanny from 8 until 6 looking after our boys. 3DSs aged 6, 4 and 2.

I mostly work because I prefer it to being at home.

DH is away all weekend and it's been awful. The boys have behaved badly and I have spent all day cajoling, punishing and shouting.

The lowest point was bath time. DS3 had a meltdown. I forced his clothes off him, forced him into the bath, forced him to wash and then dragged him out. It was awful. Abusive. All 3 were crying as I ranted at them that they were naughty, and needed to understand that they made me sad with their behaviour.

I have to leave, don't I?

They deserve better than this.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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stilllearnin · 15/06/2014 03:01

Hello, I'm not sure I'll be any help but I'm awake and i feel for you, so I'll try. You don't have to leave and you can be better than this. My friend told me this week that all mums do things like this and if they say they don't they are bloody liars (which may or may not be true). Are you unhappy with work/home/you balance? Also are you in the uk? If so you may need sleep for tomorrow.

QuietNinjaTardis · 15/06/2014 03:02

Cos of one bad weekend? No you don't need to leave. Forcing your ds in the bath and washing him and dragging him out isn't great but we've all had days where we've done nothing but shout and everything's gone wrong and we are at the end of our tether.
Can you start tomoro with a hug and a kiss for them all and an apology?

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 03:04

We had hugs and kisses and apologies before bedtime.

I just don't want to do this anymore.

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Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 03:05

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:

stilllearnin · 15/06/2014 03:13

Quite right quiet. But red you are saying you don't want to do this- you mean be a parent? I've been feeling like this a lot recently- they'd be better off if I just went. But the truth is they probably wouldn't and I would be distraught if I left. It's a horrible sad feeling. We all parent differently and we have different strengths when it comes to family life. What are yours? I'm rubbish at dealing with changing plans or upsets, but I'm really good at listening 1:1. Keep it simple tomorrow and be extra kind to yourself.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 03:14

I don't think I'd be distraught if I left. I think I'd be relieved.

OP posts:

stilllearnin · 15/06/2014 03:23

You have 3 small children and you are working and trying to keep a home and family together. It is very hard some of the time. You may feel relieved and you may feel other things too. Does your DH know how you're feeling. Is it just this weekend, just when you are having to do long stints alone, or more frequently?

butterfliesinmytummy · 15/06/2014 03:25

You would be relieved but how would your dcs feel? I know a family that is still badly affected by a mother leaving her kids 30 years ago.

Despite your kids behaviour, they need and love you. Please be kind to yourself tomorrow and speak to your gp, get some help in seeing the wood for the trees.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 03:27

I feel permanently furious. Not just with the boys, with my home life generally.

DH thinks I need help with my poor parenting.

Long stints on my own are hardest, although this is the first one for a long time. DH is doing a sponsored event for charity and will be physically wrecked when he gets home tomorrow so won't be able to take over.

OP posts:

butterfliesinmytummy · 15/06/2014 03:28

What about your home life makes you furious? Can you literally make a list?

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 03:30

The fact that all the thinking and responsibility for it is down to me.

OP posts:

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 03:31

Is your DH away for work or fun? Can he avoid weekends away for a bit? 6, 4 and 2 is quite a handful.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 03:35

This is his first weekend away in months.

He thinks the boys are easy (they're not - a stranger came over to us at a cafe today to tell them off for being naughty and not listening to me). He thinks I'm a bad parent.

OP posts:

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 03:35

Sorry - you said charity event.

It seems a bit odd for him to say you need help with your 'poor parenting' and then bugger off for the weekend unnecessarily and leave you with three small boys to look after single-handed.

I'd be tempted to say he can't have it both ways TBH.

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 15/06/2014 03:39

Ok, usual question coming I'm afraid - have you had pnd or depression previously?

Secondly - you know what, you are not alone. Not everyone can deal with the grind of parenthood & the bastard is you don't know until you are one. It doesn't mean you don't love them or are a bad person. Three children is a lot to deal with.

What do you need? Do you know?
Would it be possible to extend the nanny's hours so you had support? Do you want to leave your husband too?
I am not trying to dismiss your feelings at all and indeed if you were their father and left it would soon be yesterday's news - but I am concerned about the tone of your messages and wonder what support you're getting and how you feel about everything.
So, it feels like leaving is what you want or feel you need to do - why is that? It's not wrong but can you articulate specifics or does everything just feel like you need to escape? And if you shelve leaving for this question - what would help you to be happy?

I'm not going to tell you you need to leave or you must stay because that is up to you. But as you well know an informed choice is everything. All things can be handled to make them the most positive they can be.
There are always options. And I don't believe you need to take advice to suck it up buttercup and fix yourself and be better - you are a good person and you are not broken, but the situation might be and the situation might need fixing, not you.

stilllearnin · 15/06/2014 03:40

Well I don't know enough to be able to say you need help with your poor parenting. You might need help with the way you feel but that isn't poor parenting. You are stressed and you are angry at how things are. I get like this too but I'm better than I used to be. I know that I'd get angry at the kids but I knew 100% it wasn't them I was angry at really. I was angry at me and how that made me behave. It was a cycle. My kids are older now. When they were a similar age to yours I would keep it very simple. So thinking about tomorrow, picnic in the garden maybe or better stil see a friend. Is bath time hard. If so, do it early or not at all. I need to get some sleep (I was waiting up for dp and ds- I am furious as he's too young to be out this late) they've just got back and I've sent them both to bed!). I am very serious when I say be kind to yourself - it is very important skill and some of us don't do this naturally. Think about seeing your dp or someone else about how low you are feeling.

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 03:41

Well if he genuinely does think you need some help with your parenting, buggering off and not giving it to you isn't very helpful.

Do you feel as though everyone finds them easier to handle than you do? Maybe it's a lack of a confidence that becomes self-fulfilling? Would that fit?

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 15/06/2014 03:41

Sorry loads of cross posts, takes an age to type on my phone.

Well the first thing seems to be your husband...Not exactly coming across well.

LadyCybilCrawley · 15/06/2014 03:41

Ok love

First things first, you are working, have a nanny, 3 small pups, and a husband who is away

Quite frankly I'd be amazed if you were anything other than frazzled

Swear it gets better - it truly does

What you are going thru is complex and at a subliminal level Id guess there is a lot of guilt and stress and anger - this is understandable

You need help and understanding - not leaving

How much time do you get to yourself when you are not at work? In other words love, where is your balance?

I've walked in your shoes - balance is key

Pm me of you want - I've been where you are and I promise it gets better

lucy101 · 15/06/2014 03:42

I heard an expression the other day that we were all amateur parents and our children were all amateur sons and daughters. It really rang true with me as it is hard sometimes to know what to do and with three tiny boys I would say that I wouldn't cope very well with a long weekend on my own with them. So you made a mistake with the approach to the bath... but we all make mistakes. I think you need to give yourself a break and make sure you have a bit more support when they are so small rather than letting it tip over into you feeling it would be better to leave. I have had depression and PND so am very aware of over extending myself. Can you get a family member to come over to give you a hand and distract them? I get granny over whenever the going gets tough and yes it perhaps isn't the stage in your lives for your husband to be away. Don't underestimate how hard it is too work all week and parent all weekend.

butterfliesinmytummy · 15/06/2014 03:42

Ok so can you have a day for just fun tomorrow? Picnic in the garden, movie afternoon etc?

Then next week approach it like a work issue? You have an unreasonable level of responsibility for what should be a shared role. Have a meeting with your dh to work out a proper division of labour. Can the nanny do more? Think of it as a work issue, take the emotion out of it and see how you and your dh can work together to solve it. Oh, and book yourself a weekend away while you're at it.

CheerfulYank · 15/06/2014 03:43

It was just a bad day.

We all have them, especially with three under 6! Why does your DH think they are easy? Do they behave differently for him?

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 03:43

I need to leave because I'm scared I can't control my temper with them if tomorrow is like today.

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 15/06/2014 03:44

Can you get a friend to come over? Send one or two of them off to a playdate or relative?

stilllearnin · 15/06/2014 03:44

Oh excellent advice Bernard

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