I'm a terrible mother

[CinnabarRed]

Just that, really.

I work full time, as does DH. We have a nanny from 8 until 6 looking after our boys. 3DSs aged 6, 4 and 2.

I mostly work because I prefer it to being at home.

DH is away all weekend and it's been awful. The boys have behaved badly and I have spent all day cajoling, punishing and shouting.

The lowest point was bath time. DS3 had a meltdown. I forced his clothes off him, forced him into the bath, forced him to wash and then dragged him out. It was awful. Abusive. All 3 were crying as I ranted at them that they were naughty, and needed to understand that they made me sad with their behaviour.

I have to leave, don't I?

They deserve better than this.

I remember feeling this desperate myself - DH and I both work full time but his hours include at least one day of every weekend, sometimes both days, and a lot of the time I'm not at work I'm on solo childcare.

You can get through this. you don't need to leave but you do need some drastic changes.

Your DH is not being unreasonable to tell you that you need help with poor parenting if he's buggering off for the weekend - doing that when you are so close to the end of your tether is a very poor parenting decision on his part and he needs to share full responsibility for restructuring your family arrangements in a way that keeps you both sane.

short term: getting through tomorrow. I find it a lot easier to get through solo childcare days when we have a special outing - can you take them to a zoo or other big activity venue? something that will tire them out and give them plenty of stimulation. also, pick your battles - it's no disaster if a kid doesn't have a bath if they are too overtired and stroppy to cooperate with having one.

long term: you need to get support in place to make your workload manageable, and sort out you week to give you some regular downtime without childcare even if it's not much you need this for your sanity. in future when dh is going to be away you need a plan for how you are going to get through the time, with additional help if needed.

Your children love you and need you. children often misbehave like this not deliberately but because their own emotions are confused and subconsciously they find it reassuring to know that even after being horrifyingly badly behaved they still get hugs kisses and apologies. they need your unconditional love more than anything else in the world. on no account should this ever be withheld - obviously you have some discipline problems which are not going to be solved overnight but they can and will be solved.

What time are you expecting DH back?

And when he isn't doing those things sometimes is it you doing them all the rest of the time?

Offering to take them out for a couple of hours...he isn't a baby sitter, he's an equal parent. He should be reading with them, bathing them, playing with them, discipling them, taking them out - he's not doing you a favour, he's doing his job. You seem to be implying he's supporting you as main carer by performing occasional parenting tasks, that's really not the same thing at all.

He points out how you can parent better? He's a generous soul.
However I'm more than aware he's your husband and you know him and we don't. But really.

I don't know if the DH bashing is helpful in the context of this thread.

Dealing with the children tomorrow. Thinking about whether depression could be a factor and, if so, seeing a GP asap. Then the DH bashing relationship guidance.

How do you feel OP?

I hope you're ok.

You don't sound anything close to a terrible mother

I'm feeling a bit better this morning, thank you.

Cinnabar - do you get time away from work and home tonneau? If not book some and make dh have the boys for a day/weekend!!!

You are not a bad parent but you are tired and frustrated and I understand!!

Unfortunately the boys will pick up on the negative vibes from you and will play up more because of it. I find even faking being in a good mood helps with say older dsc's.

For today - pack some sandwiches crisps and drink. Take them to a big park wit a football and let them run off all the energy they have pent up. Try not to be negative or too controlling of their behaviour unless they are being really naughty. And try and enjoy it!! Sit on a swing and get them to push you, have races down the slide and try to reconnect with them on their level and you will feel better!!

When you get home give them some paper and pens and let them make fathers day cards, posters etc for their dad.

You love them deep down and they love you!!

Hi OP. you sound like a normal frazzled mother of three young kids to me.

Stop beating yourself up. My mum - frazzled mum of three - lost it to the extent she would hit us, and say awful things.

I'm not saying my own bar is set low - but when I do end up shouting and feeling guilty about it, I remember how my own mum did way way worse.

Parenting young kids is bloody tough and more so when your DH buggers off in the name of charity to do a nice walk/run.

Anyway here are my tips....

1. When you feel yourself rising, stick the kettle on, open the door, put the radio on - distract yourself.
2. Cheat. If my kid acts up at bathtime, we just do a quick wash. Or nothing.
3. Choose your battles. Most things don't matter. Just choose the ones that do.
4. Follow through threats. Eg no telly for misbehaviour means that. (I never do the no telly one as it backfires massively).
5. Stick a DVD on for them. Go to another room and mumsnet/read the paper.
6. Have an event planned for today. Zoo/beach/museum - something to break the day up.
7. Book some timeout for you for next weekend.

Nex time DH is away, can you plan a relative to come over for tea or whatever? Just to break it up.

I really hope today is better for you all. Don't be hard on yourself x

I hope today is better for you OP, you are most certainly not a terrible mother.

I'd get them outside and let them run off some energy too. Might be tricky to time it though if DS1 has been up half the night and is tired (and irritable?) and if DS3 still needs an afternoon nap. Is there a big playpark or beach near to you? Or a good soft play?

Oh, and I'd tell DH when he gets home that you are having at least half a day next weekend to yourself.

Cinnabar, I have DT boys aged nearly 5 and am 33 weeks pg. I work FT too.

I get where you are coming from - I have lost my rag on occasion too.

It really helps me :
To get out somewhere low pressure - a good friends house with kids
Nat Trust place but take a picnic
Swimming

Tire them out.
Put on a DVD
Tea
Long bath
Stories
Early bed

Hope today is better.

I think your frazzled.
You need to get three child's out for a good run around like dogs I always find mine much easier after some good exercise.

Dens ae a great idea, I often build mine dens, usually get two hours of peace.

Is it the fighting that causes an issue? Can they brawl about in the garden?

Just let your standards slide a bit, pizza and tv ( treats are ok when daddy is away) don't tidy up, don't bathe them if your going to end up angry. Children can go days without a bath :-)

When you want to kill them, split them up ( you need three naughty steps seperate from one another )and think about having a tv film crew filming your behaviour.

It will get easier, hang in love.

They're running around the garden with bouncy balls at the moment.

We started DS1's spellings, but we both got stressed and upset (both too tired) so we stopped before the end.

It's grey abs drizzly here so we're going to the cinema soon - The Muppet Movie. I'll let them choose some sweeties.

Cinnabar I am a SAHM and have been for almost 10 years, two sons aged 11 and 8 and there were days when I honestly wanted to walk out the door despite having an incredible DH. I just wanted to escape it all, mainly the responsibility.

Everyone upthread is saying pick your battles and I agree.

The turning point for me was just accepting that when they were younger they would never be perfect children (and they still aren't) but yours are so little. And god yes it is bloody hard.

For me it was learning to call stuff quits before the melt downs ensued, about recognising their trigger points and mine. Like realising you weren't going to finish those spellings in one sitting.

You are working full time and have 3 small children, of course it is hard. At some point with mine it just became easier, and that wasn't any magic wand that was their age.

Is there any way you can delegate any other responsibilities you have? Would/could your DH take over some stuff that you currently do?

urgh, I hate it when DH is away. everything feels like a grind.

I only work part-time, and only have 2 DC, but still NEED (not want, NEED) some time off at the weekend to decompress. this must be more essential if you work full time.

hope you have a better day today. I'd follow that cinema trip with a dirty takeaway for dinner, eaten from the boxes to eliminate washing up.

Cinnabar, you're having a bad weekend. 3 small children IS really hard work, plus one is poorly so your sleep is affected. This sort of situation, where you're left to deal with an entire weekend as the only adult, brings out the worst in everyone. Your bath/bedtime sounds like many that have taken place in my house. I don't think I'm a dreadful parent, just an imperfect one.

Am concerned though that you say you have no friends who can help. If I am on my on for a protracted spell with the DC I make sure I arrange to meet up with another Mum and kids so that I get a bit of adult company. Is there really nobody you could go to the park/fpr a walk/to the cinema with?

lots of us have felt like walking out. many times.

Your dps constant undwrmining of your confidence in parenting is damaging. Your parenting is ok. You dont have to be the best parent in the world. You actually ARE the parent, and youre doing a hard job. Its difficult, and if your dp undermines you and tells you youre shit at it, its extra extra difficult, especially if hes off doing charity stuff to help other people and look wonderful while youre going mad at home. His priorities arent quite what they maybe should be.

Some people just have difficult kids. Mine are sods a lot of the time. Those days you just need to survive. Step back a bit and stop letting anyone tell you youre shit at this. If you had a colleague keep saying that to you, or your boss, then that would also make your job pretty miserable too.

lots of us have felt like walking out. many times.

Your dps constant undwrmining of your confidence in parenting is damaging. Your parenting is ok. You dont have to be the best parent in the world. You actually ARE the parent, and youre doing a hard job. Its difficult, and if your dp undermines you and tells you youre shit at it, its extra extra difficult, especially if hes off doing charity stuff to help other people and look wonderful while youre going mad at home. His priorities arent quite what they maybe should be.

Some people just have difficult kids. Mine are sods a lot of the time. Those days you just need to survive. Step back a bit and stop letting anyone tell you youre shit at this. If you had a colleague keep saying that to you, or your boss, then that would also make your job pretty miserable too.

All mum's get time when they feel like this. Anyone who doesn't is lying or medicated. Some days out kids just push our buttons. I also work full time. I think it makes me a better mum as I enjoy my time with them. I have had days like this.

Today go to the park let them run around and have fun. Don't be so hard on yourself.
I once put my toddler in his cot has he was screaming so much, made and drunk a coffee before going back.

Look at yesterday as a bad day and today a new one xx

Gosh your OP rang some huge bells with me. Mine are 6 and 3 and DH works shifts. I only work PT (it means the responsibility for all the housework/laundry/packed lunches/ childcare/school/clubs etc falls to me though).

When he's working all weekend and I'm home alone with them it's almost unbearable sometimes, and I only have two! It's my own perfectionism that's the problem though - I feel I have to see through everything to the bitter end so I've had awful hideous bathtime/bedtime fights too. it's not helpful but it's very hard to take a step back when you feel the red mist.

I'm trying very hard to be kind to myself. Someone on here gave me the brilliant advice to use a sticker chart for the children (stay with me here!) and I had to make sure I'd awarded one to each child ten times in a day. It meant I had to look for the good things, which is actually really helpful. Obviously it makes the DC feel better but it helps me feel more positive too.

Your DH probably finds parenting easier because his head isn't swirling with dates and times and organisational stuff, because my bet is that you do it. He maybe sees it as relaxing time while if you're anything like me you see it as a load of work which has to be done despite having small children hampering you. It's very hard to get out of that mindset. But it is OK, it REALLY is, to just hang out with your kids.

Mumsnet is great OP. Keep posting

Is there any way that you could reduce your days at work? Maybe from 5 to 4 or even to 4 and a half? Those couple of hours to yourself might make all the difference whether it is to get your house tidied so you have time to be mum rather than trying to do everything while you are looking after them or simply to just catch up with a bit of a sleep or go for a walk. By the way, if you do go for the 4 and half day route might I recommend taking Monday mornings off - that way you miss all the shit that goes with Monday mornings and the week will start better. Hope you are OK - you're not a bad mum just a tired one!

You sound completely frazzled , I think most parents can point to a time when all their parenting has gone tits up and they regret the way they have behaved.

I really like parentchannel.tv for quick boosts, tips and ideas - basically a reminder on what I could be doing if I wan't in the middle of a parenting meltdown. It is lots of little 5 min videos with experts and parents sharing the good, the bad and the ugly.

I also find "Raising Happy Children" by Stimpson and Parker a very reassuring and inspiring (in the sense that it gives me ideas on how to handle situations) read - but not in the middle of a meltdown.

You will get through this. Good luck.

Lots of good advice on this thread! Hope your day is going better today OP?

I was complaining to DM yesterday as DH is away this weekend and I was worried how I'd manage as DS has been a nightmare with bedtimes and I have a horrible cold. Her advice was similar to that on this thread - get DS outdoors, just the garden with a big bowl of water and some cups, bucket and spade and let him get on with it. Lunch outdoors - whatever he'll eat (he won't eat butter at the moment) so a slice of plain bread if need be. Easy dinner - chips, chicken nuggets and beans. Early night!

In the event we've actually been okay and done quite a bit, but I think lowering my expectations of what I should be doing helped massively! I don't need to be baking cakes with DS or finger painting. Some weekends are just why the tv was invented!