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Parenting

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Original poster

I'm a terrible mother

115 replies

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 02:54

Just that, really.

I work full time, as does DH. We have a nanny from 8 until 6 looking after our boys. 3DSs aged 6, 4 and 2.

I mostly work because I prefer it to being at home.

DH is away all weekend and it's been awful. The boys have behaved badly and I have spent all day cajoling, punishing and shouting.

The lowest point was bath time. DS3 had a meltdown. I forced his clothes off him, forced him into the bath, forced him to wash and then dragged him out. It was awful. Abusive. All 3 were crying as I ranted at them that they were naughty, and needed to understand that they made me sad with their behaviour.

I have to leave, don't I?

They deserve better than this.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 03:46

And Cinnabar cut corners if you need to - if one of them is really resisting the bath, give them a thorough sponging instead. Or skip it entirely if they aren't grubby.

'Cheating' is fine, especially if you're stressed already.

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 03:47

What made today so bad? What went wrong?

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 03:48

Is there someone you can call to be with the children if you need to?

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Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 03:50

No friends, no family.

The boys just won't behave.

OP posts:

stilllearnin · 15/06/2014 03:52

Oh I really feel for you. Lots of patents have felt like that. Would it help to get someone to help. It will not always be like this but you need some support at the moment.

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 03:52

Ok. Don't panic. You're posting. That's great mum decision number one, right?

stilllearnin · 15/06/2014 03:52

Sorry x post

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 03:55

You're obviously concerned NOT to lose your temper.

Could you get DH back early?

OutragedFromLeeds · 15/06/2014 03:55

You need to look at whether you may be depressed as pp said.

With regards parenting, their is nothing wrong with seeking help. No-one is perfect, kids don't come with an instruction manual, some people find it harder to get a handle on than others. To be brutally honest, you may have some poor parenting skills, but that can be easily addressed and it's just one of those things, it's not your fault.

You need to address the division of responsibility with your DH (and nanny, if you feel that is appropriate).

With regards tomorrow, just remember that they need their mum above and beyond, pretty much all else. It doesn't matter if they aren't dressed, don't have a bath, don't eat their veg, don't tidy their room don't get their homework done. In the grand scheme of things all that matters is that you keep your cool and stay. Have the easiest, most stress free day you possibly can.

butterfliesinmytummy · 15/06/2014 03:56

Someone gave me great advice a while back - pick your battles. I'm not very good at it but I do sometimes ask myself "does it really matter?" So the days my dds refuse to help tidy up or brush their teeth etc, I sometimes remember that it doesn't really matter. In a world where terrible things are happening, would it be disastrous if we didn't tidy up the Lego or brush teeth? Just once. Saves me screaming (and believe me I do).

I'm hoping you're not in the uk and missing out on sleep....

OutragedFromLeeds · 15/06/2014 03:56

If you really feel you can't cope, call the nanny in as an emergency.

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 03:57

Cinnabar the boys are picking up on your stress. I had an awful summer like that post split. It was the worst behaviour I ever had from my DC.

What the PPs were saying about keeping tomorrow simple was good advice.

But if you still feel too stressed out you need to get some back up in place.

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 04:00

Emergency day from the nanny is a good idea.

You can just say you feel below par. No need to elaborate.

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 15/06/2014 04:02

I agree with 'cutting corners' tomorrow. The situation has arisen over years and it is not going to be solved by you ending up on your knees tomorrow by trying to follow all the rules.
If they quit tantrumming in front of the tv just do it, don't want a bath, don't want whatever for dinner - so what? You are not going to ruin all parenting to come by opting out tomorrow but you might save yourself.

I have to say I'm appalled at a man who can freely tell his wife she is a bad parent while being happy to abdicate his responsibility and leave. How bothered can he be? He's happy to leave you dealing with it all over the weekend isn't he? So he is either ok with putting his children at risk to facilitate his life (I don't believe they are at risk at all btw) or he is an unsupportive bully happy to throw around cheap shots.

Is he a Disney dad? Or does he come home and graft?

If you feel that you would benefit from a wider range of parenting tools to choose from there are courses you can attend, it is an admirable thing to seek to improve. There are also resources and help for anger management.
But it sounds like a completely logical reaction to your circumstances and unless they change you will be setting yourself an impossible task.
Is it surprising your boys won't listen or respect you while they watch their father do the same? Does he undermine you a lot?

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 04:02

I bet the sticky weather hasn't helped the behaviour of small boys.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 04:03

I can't call our nanny. She has her own life, her own plans.

Yes, the UK. DS1 is struggling with hay fever so I've been up with him half the night and can't get to sleep.

OP posts:

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 04:06

Look. Three point plan.

Survive tomorrow
Decide whether you need any support of any kind
Deal with unsupportive DH

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 04:08

As far as surviving tomorrow goes, do you feel you'll be okay if you adopt a 'do the bare minimum' approach?

butterfliesinmytummy · 15/06/2014 04:09

Under point 1, can they build camps in the living room with towels and clothes pegs and dining chairs while you take it easy for a bit? This is my go-to activity when dh is away and I've had enough....

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 04:10

You must be shattered (some kind of football party/orgy/friendly riot just tailling off here and i'm exhausted)

Bernard speaks complete sense about your DH BTW

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 15/06/2014 04:14

Excellent plan.

Just do what you need to do tomorrow. Don't place any expectations on anyone and don't take any misbehaving personally.
Use bribery if it works or if it comes to it simply walk away until you have regained your temper.

I think someone does deserve more here - and I think it's you.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 04:14

DH isn't really unsupportive. He cooks most evenings, reads with DS1 when he's home in time, tells me the boys love me, points out ways I can parent better, mows the lawn, sometimes does the weekly shop. Offers to take the boys out for a couple of hours every so often.

OP posts:

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/06/2014 04:15

And this is his first weekend away in months. He's had days here and there for the rugby or cricket, but only when MIL has been available to keep us company.

OP posts:

OutragedFromLeeds · 15/06/2014 04:16

What does the nanny say about the boys behaviour? And school?

Fideliney · 15/06/2014 04:17

Good. Maybe he can be encouraged to say something more constructive than the 'poor parenting' remarks then

How do you feel about getting through a lazy Sunday?

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