I'm a terrible mother

[CinnabarRed]

Just that, really.

I work full time, as does DH. We have a nanny from 8 until 6 looking after our boys. 3DSs aged 6, 4 and 2.

I mostly work because I prefer it to being at home.

DH is away all weekend and it's been awful. The boys have behaved badly and I have spent all day cajoling, punishing and shouting.

The lowest point was bath time. DS3 had a meltdown. I forced his clothes off him, forced him into the bath, forced him to wash and then dragged him out. It was awful. Abusive. All 3 were crying as I ranted at them that they were naughty, and needed to understand that they made me sad with their behaviour.

I have to leave, don't I?

They deserve better than this.

So DH is out tonight at drinks with his work. He won't be back until the early hours; I'll sleep in the spare room because I have to be up at 4 to do a couple of hours' work before the boys wake (this isn't uncommon).

DH admitted last night that he didn't raise a single penny of sponsorship money for the charity event. He just have the required minimum amount out of our family money. On the one hand we can afford it and it's a great cause. On the other - I'm livid I was left alone at the weekend because he was on a jolly.

We do have a cleaner, by the way. And it's me who had to organise the ironing being left out, the money being ready for her, the bins being emptied and the loos cleaned before she arrives (she won't do those things).

So when he says "it's not important" what he really means is "I don't need to worry about those things because Cinnibar will do it all."

I mean, unless he's such a scrooge that he'd be fine with the children having no Christmas presents, or not having a birthday party despite attending everyone else's and being excited about it, or that he wouldn't mind them going about with ingrained dirt under their fingernails because they weren't cut, or ending up in hospital because he didn't know how to take them to a doctor.

He doesn't mean that, surely! I'm starting to think maybe you should leave. Just temporarily. Just to give him a taste of what there really is to do.

Hello

I came on seeking advice after a particularly unimpressive day's parenting yesterday with my 3, aged 6,4, and 2......I can totally relate to your comments and feelings.

I think you've been given some really good advice on here and are clearly taking some good steps. one thing that I would add, is not to underestimate the difference that having 3 altogether makes. I'm a SAHM so do get periods in the day with just one or two of them (when DD is at school or DD2 is at preschool - she does 2.5 days) and the dynamic is completely different when I have just 2 of them. there's much less fighting for attention, less fighting generally, it's not so noisy so easier to keep your cool....so as well as suggesting some time for yourself, I'd also suggest spending some time with 1 or 2 of them at a time at the weekend when you can divvy up with your DH and hopefully actually get to enjoy some time with them. My DH is generally out from 6ish to 8ish in the week so post-school to bedtime can be hellish sometimes, and it's nice to have a chance to reconnect with them.

Hope that the advice and the steps you're taking are making you feel a bit more positive - and if it helps, I am permanently embarrassed at the state of our house and I'm home all the time. Other thing to bear in mind is that they're each at an age where they can be challenging - I am assured by friends with multiple children that it does get easier. And do try to at least get one early night a week, I've had to start doing this and it has made a massive difference to me, especially when sleep can be so patchy still.

And do keep us posted on how you're doing - you're not alone and sound to be doing a pretty good job to me. x

I've had days (and months) just like you. 3 kids under the age of 6 and wasn't enjoying myself either.

Mine are older now and it is much easier! Do you do timeout? I have the kitchen timers, at least 5 spreadout through the house.

They aren't just for discipline. 'If you put your shoes on and brush your teeth before the bell rings then you get an extra book..'

I'll never forget my 3 year old son giving me a hug - he's not very affectionate- at the end of the first day I spent not yelling and calmly and consistently laying down the law. They play up when they sense you are not happy.

I may be one of the only parents who have experienced this, but once I got the kitchen timers things significantly changed in my home.

I don't think anyone should be on their own too often with three kids that young - when its your weekend and your downtime.

Try reading calmer, easier, happier parenting. I am reading it and think it has some top tips. It is written by a teacher on her experience of what works. My son is too little for it, so can't personally vouch for it but I will certainly be putting into practice some of her suggestions. In fact I already am to get into the habit.

Hello OP, I think all mums do this at some stage, dc can be very trying and if you have had a full day at work you must be tired.

Have either of you considered cutting down work so they can spend more time with a parent and less with the nanny.

I know mine would tend to play up if me or dh weren't looking after them.

I have no idea how anyone copes with 3, I find 2 more than enough. oh and everyone forces a child to wash at some point. or they are a liar.

You work because you don't like being at home with your children?

You say you need help with your 'poor parenting' but when do you parent, as you have a nanny from 8-6 and work full time..

If this was me I'd go part time even if temporarily, sack off the nanny and spend more time with my children, not less.

No, I wrote that I work to get out of the house when I was at my lowest ebb.

The honest truth is that I work because I absolutely love my job.

It is true that I find my job easier than parenting the boys.

And I parent for the 14 hours per week day that our nanny isn't here, and the 24 hours of each weekend day.

Cinnabar, I think you need to do what is best for all of you and if you're happiest working, so be it, it sounds more that it's the balance at home that's stressing you. Changing hours might not actually address that - mine generally behave much better for DH and he's got that much more patience with them precisely because he's not with them all the time and gets some perspective. So I don't think it's necessarily because they're with other people, as some posters have suggested, and more because there are 3 of them and the ages they are. FWIW, I'm at home with mine all the time and question how much I actually parent them, in that I seem to spend most of my time in the kitchen and nowhere near the time I thought I'd get as a SAHM playing with them - there's always something to do, be it laundry, food prep/clearing up/attempting to get them to eat.... I do find we have more 'quality time' if we're out of the house without there being things to do everywhere, so would suggest trying to get DH more involved with the home tasks on evenings/weekends so you actually do get that time together. Is there a children's centre near you? The one near us does a monthly Saturday morning dad's session, great for playing without distractions and gives you a chance to do whatever you need to and then make that a family afternoon, hopefully with some things ticked off your list. Do your children have GPs who can take one or more of them for a weekend? Exciting for them, helpful for you - we've only done this once or twice and just DC1&2 but it's amazing what you can achieve, and absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

Hi love
Sorry haven't had time to read all the posts so sorry if this is cross posting etc.

It's very hard to think clearly when you are low, and it really does sound to me like you are low. I think you could do with support from your hv or gp and it would be a positive step to reach out to them. Also the children's centres can be great, they massively helped me through my lowest point.

So, here's a few things that helped me (and I don't have 3, I only have 1 and was going crazy so you are already doing way way better than you realise):

1. Stop for a moment and look at the things you have done, instead of feeling angry and resentful for what you haven't done. My friend said to me once that she congratulates herself if she has managed to wash, change and feed her daughter. It rely amazed me as I would never even have counted that as being a good mum, but it is. I started noting the tiny things I do, a hug, a smile, clean clothes, food at the right(ish) time (yes it was a jar, who cares?!)

1. Do your boys sleep well? If they do the make sure there is a cut off point in the evening after they sleep where you just do absolutely nothing or whatever else you want to do. My cut off is 8pm. No chores or laundry etc even if its all there waiting for me

1. Can you consider cutting your working hours but keeping the nannying hours? I mean that this will allow you to spend time with the boys with some support and perhaps you can learn a few tricks from her to manage their more challenging behaviors. Not saying you are a bad parent at all, I think you just need an extra pair of hands while you parent so you're less frazzled. I repeatedly suggested this to my friend and she eventually did it and much happier for it. It's just a space to breathe. Also if you can cut a few hours of work could you use one day to have some alone time before you go back to the boys? Eg spend an hour in a cafe with a book and chill for an hour

1. You have a lot on your plate. It's normal to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. But your are a mummy, and I'm sure a wonderful one, just drowning in the chaos of life and being stretched in many directions. Please don't leave. Your boys love you and you love them. Your feeling of being relieved if you left is not a reflection of your feelings for them, it is a reflection of how much pressure you are under. I faced this decision once and am so so so glad I stayed. Work through it. But do make changes, clearly this situation is not working and you need to make changes to start making it more positive

1. Your DH. I bet (from what I ghave read so far) you are angry at him. You displace this anger on the boys. That's also a normal reaction unfortunately. The only way I coped (dh was basically unavailable, not through his own choice but due to a very difficult situation at work) was to forget he was part of the equation. In a way its harder if you have someone to rely on and then they dont step up, as opposed to believing you just have yourself to rely on - no one to get angry at. If you stop spending energy resenting him for not taking an equal share and use that instead to imagine to yourself that you just have to rely on yourself it's amazing what you can do. And I sure once you start feeling better your dh will get better too. You can't waste your strength being angry at him. He is probably struggling too and you just need to start making steps to change what is going on.

1. You are doing great to be coping with 3 little boys. Believe in yourself. You can and will do it.

You are not a terrible mother and no-one should ever make you feel like you are - least of all your DH.
To be honest having read all your posts here its basically sounding like your H is not really living up to his role...of husband or father.
If it was me I'd be having a hard chat with H and addressing carving up work loads in house and with DC and with all responsibilities and demanding that he take over at least once a week so you can go and be somewhere else / do something else.

Can't believe this BS about the OP cutting her work hours in a job she loves - what about her DH cutting his work hours or reorganizing his hours so he is home in time to do bath /bed with his 3 sons?? Or even not going out on work jollies in the evening and bike run jollies at the weekend leaving OP to parent alone.

Such double standards. No wonder women can't advance in the workplace. And I say that as someone who is currently a SAHM.

The problem here is your DH, cinnabar. He is not pulling his weight. If you both work FT then it requires 50-50 contribution on the home front in non-working hours. It doesn't sound like he is even close to that.

I second the suggestion to go away for a weekend and leave him to it so he learns that parenting is not just 24-7 fun.