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Parenting

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Original poster

is it wrong to spy on my child?

52 replies

natalier84 · 17/04/2014 13:48

my son is 13 and has a smartphone. although I trust him its other people I don't. There was an incident in the family where my young nephew was kidnapped. thankfully his ok but since then I have been really paranoid.

I came across a software that can be downloaded on my sons phone. I can then log in my account and view everything that's on the mobile. I brought it mainly so I can track his location and monitor his facebook etc. although I have the option of listening to his calls I don't but I still feel guilty about spying on him.

OP posts:

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ihatethecold · 17/04/2014 13:55

Erm, I think you have issues.
You son hasn't given you any reason not to trust him.

I think it's a bad idea.

Original poster

natalier84 · 17/04/2014 13:57

as stated in the start of my message. its not him I don't trust. its other people.

OP posts:

PirateJones · 17/04/2014 14:21

Not only is it a bad idea I think it might be illegal.
Have you thought about getting help for yourself?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

peggyundercrackers · 17/04/2014 14:29

i think its fine to check your sons phone but im not sure i would go as far as downloading software onto it to check on him.

illegal to download software and check on her son? erm... definitely not.

alita7 · 17/04/2014 14:30

This Is a step too far, having a peek on fb is one thing, being able to see his entire phone is another thing altogether. what will you do if you find something you don't want to like a text from a girl about sex or something drug related - how will you explain how you found this info in order to confront him?

alita7 · 17/04/2014 14:32

Peggy it might be Illegal if the phone isn't in her name...

AMumInScotland · 17/04/2014 14:37

I think if you have worries, you need to talk to your son about the kinds of things that might put him at risk. Then he will not do things that put himself in dodgy situations, and nothing that 'other people' can do is going to cause him harm.

If I were 13 and found I had been spied on to that extent, I would go out of my way to avoid telling you things, and would look for ways of avoiding the spying. That would have the opposite effect of what you are trying to achieve.

Whereas, honesty in talking to teens about why we worry is far more likely to convince them that we really do trust them to make safe decisions. Then, if a situation arses that he is uncertain about, he's much more likely to tell you about it, allowing you to give advice both for that situation, and general advice about safe vs unsafe choices.

Whatever the circumstances that led to your nephew's kidnapping, paranoia isn't the best reaction.

peggyundercrackers · 17/04/2014 14:44

the phone must be in her name as a 13 yr old cant have a credit agreement to either buy it or pay the monthly charge...

PirateJones · 17/04/2014 14:46

What if it's pay as you go?

I have a pay as you go phone for my almost 12 year old.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/04/2014 14:49

I think it's a great idea personally!

We have complete access to ds's phone and laptop. He knows this and we've explained we need to monitor things until he's older. He's not allowed on fb yet so that's not an issue.

MaRyzerection · 17/04/2014 14:55

You can do it if you want, but if he ever finds out you will lose his trust completely.

The very fact that you could listen to his calls means that you will one day, you won't be able to resist if you are already monitoring his every movement.

If you are that worried, talk to him. Tell him you need to know more than the average parent, tell him why, and come up with an agreement as to how much he is willing for you to see.

MaRyzerection · 17/04/2014 14:55

One of ds's friends has a phone his mum tracks by the way.

He regularly leaves it in other people's houses when they go out, and uses an old PAYG. She, apparently, has no idea.

Ploppy16 · 17/04/2014 15:00

Does your Son know about the incident in the family and the fears it left you with? I have a 13 year old and he would listen and take my concerns seriously if I talked to him.
If he's out for a long period of time I ask him to 'check on' with me at least once while he's out (there have been recent incidents of attempted snatching in the area according to the police). If he doesn't he knows I will phone him at some point.
Would you give him a chance to allay your fears without resorting to spy wear? Try one outing and go from there.

PirateJones · 17/04/2014 15:13

If you want to listen to his phone calls, you don't trust HIM.
HIS phone calls have nothing to do with not trusting other people.

JeanSeberg · 17/04/2014 15:20

Are you talking about a random kidnapping in this country?

I think you need to find a way of dealing with your fears that doesn't impact on your son's life.

DenzelWashington · 17/04/2014 15:36

He's not in any less danger because you are spying on him though, is he? It's just a form of reassurance for you. I don't think it is fair to deprive him of all privacy for that reason.

Keeping him safe will come from things like talking through what happened to your nephew (and it sounds awful, so sorry your family went through that), discussing personal safety, maybe getting appropriate training for him (not sure Suzy Lamplugh Trust deals with boys, worth a look), enforcing rules about when and where he can get about under his own steam, when he needs to be driven etc.

My sympathies, a friend's relative was kidnapped for ransom, the family hasn't been the same since.

Original poster

natalier84 · 17/04/2014 15:38

Piratejones: as I said. I could listen to his calls but I don't. I monitor his Facebook and track his location if need be. Any other features I do not use.

Jeanseberg: This is the incident:

m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-20202734

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 17/04/2014 15:41

It goes without saying that's a terrible story and I'm sorry for what your family have been through.

But you can't let this ruin your son's childhood.

PirateJones · 17/04/2014 15:45

I could listen to his calls but I don't.

You are thinking about doing it.

OeufsWillBeOeufs · 17/04/2014 15:46

If you're worried about something really serious happening, that's all the more reason not to spy on your son day to day.

I don't think it would be a terrible idea to keep that software in reserve as something you could use in an absolute emergency, but don't use it now, and tell no one, least of all him (or he might start leaving his phone behind, which puts him in more danger - you want him always to be able to get hold of you if he gets into a difficult situation).

You only get to spy on him once - the first time you intervene after catching him lying about his location or hearing something in a phone call, you'll lose his trust completely and never be able to rely on being able to track his phone again. And if you start spying on him, sooner or later you will give away that you have been doing that by something you say, and if you don't you'll still feel like a horrible spy.

Your son deserves his privacy unless and until a real emergency comes up - which may never happen and if it does may not happen for years.

snowgirl1 · 17/04/2014 15:48

I know someone who has this software and monitors her son's phone - but her son knows it's on there. If it were me, I think I'd be inclined to talk to your son, explain why you want this software on his phone.

overmydeadbody · 17/04/2014 15:51

Natalie why don't you tell your DS? Then it won't be spying, it will just be keeping him safe.

If I put a tracker on DS's phone (which I would like to do) he would know all about it and he would know it was only so I could find him if he needed my help.

As for facebook, why not just be his friend on it, as a condition of him using it?

If you trust him then you have no reason to keep this from him.

MostWicked · 17/04/2014 15:52

Dreadful idea. Spying on your child will do nothing to keep him safe, it's purely to satisfy your own selfish needs.

If you want to keep him safe, talk to him, discuss issues with him, teach him strategies to keep him safe, teach him things to watch out for, listen when he talks to you, don't dictate.

Allow him to grow up.

Just imagine how he will feel, when he finds out that you have invaded his privacy to this degree. Damage done by this kind of action, can be permanent an it will destroy your relationship and he will never be able to trust you.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 17/04/2014 15:52

I think more people should be more heavily involved monitoring what their kids are up to personally. 13 is very young still, different when they are 15 or so.

I can't view the link posted so can't comment on that.

PirateJones · 17/04/2014 15:56

I think more people should be more heavily involved monitoring what their kids are up to personally.

More people are, but there is a line between being involved and helping them chose to make right decisions and totally spying on everything they do.

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