My 10 yeah old Stepson is mentally abusing my 6 year old Daughter

[Ellajuliana]

This is my first post on any type of forum so please bear with me!

So here it goes.....me and my partner got together 2 years ago, he has a son and I have a Daughter, things moved every quickly, I got pregnant and now have a 6 month old son with my partner, we all live together and my Stepson goes to his Mums every weekend, as she used to drink and he is with his dad and me full time now (she hasn't drank for years) and that is not an excuse for what he is doing

From the very start my stepson has been horrendous to my Daughter, he started by hitting her at night time and telling her not to tell anyone, then he hit her in the face with a doll which resulted in my Daughter having a black eye, me and my partner punished him for this, well i did, my partner kind of shouted at him and forgot about it...now the big problem is this....a few weeks ago I noticed my daugher constantly washing her hands, to the point where they were sore, she is all of a sudden obsessed with makingher step dad sick etc, after me asking and asking her what it wrong she eventually told me that my step son told her that my partner isnt her real dad and he hasn't got the same germs as her and that if she touches him it will make him very sick.

My daughter knows she has a different biological dad up has called my partner Daddy for a while now.

I am beyond furious with my step son and just cannot forgive him for this, I can't even look at him let alone speak to him, I can't stand being around him at all and i am at breaking point.

I'd go as far to say I hate him at the moment, and I know that seems harsh but he has put MY own Daughter through hell since the beginning, I just need some much needed advice, I don't want to look after him anymore, I don't want him anywhere near my children either, if this carries on I fear I will have to leave and take my daughter out of this dangerous situation, I feel like a bad Mum already for keeping her in this situation for so long.

Thankyou for reading this

[NigellasDealer]

We are great parents, and we do not need parenting classes - taking a parenting class does not mean you are a poor parent, far from it.

[nobutreally]

Actually, I think it would be great if every parent had parenting classes. I've had one set, and would love to do them again now my kids are older and have different challenges. IMO, parenting classes are for anyone who wants to be a better parent. Admitting you/we all can do better is part of parenting - surely we all have blind spots/things that we don't deal with well? In a blended family, those tensions become more obvious.

You have clearly made huge efforts with your stepson, op, but given his background, his issues are not going to be 'fixed' quickly - if you're in it for the long haul, you need some help to make that happen.

[wannaBe]

Op –

“1) of course I am worried about my daughter, I am terrified of what she is doing.” Presumably though you have now told your dd that what your dss has said (e.g. re the germs) is untrue? How has she reacted to this? If she is still obsessively handwashing this is surely a pointer that there is a far deeper issue at play here?

“2) of course I am putting my Daughter before my stepson. I would assume most parents would?” this is one of the biggest issues with blended families, especially where the dynamic isn’t equal e.g. where one child lives in the family full-time and the other has contact with their other parent. In an ideal world all children should be treated equally, but obviously our instincts lead us to prioritise our own children above our stepchildren. In your family you started out with one child who lives with you full-time and another who lives with you during the week but spends weekends at his mother’s. This means that he already will feel as if he doesn’t have an equal place in your family because you all get to do things together when he is not around which don’t include him. Added to that the fact that your dd (who in your dp’s eyes should, by your definition, be below him in priority) is treated equally by his dad to the point she has even started to call him daddy and you have allowed this. So in his eyes: his baby brother is treated equally by both of you. Your dd is treated equally by both of you (and rightly so) but to the point she is even allowed to call your dp daddy even though he isn’t her daddy. He is not treated equally as you are putting your dd first. Can you not see why he is so resentful? He is at the bottom of the pecking order in his own home. You really need to stop your dd from calling your dp daddy. It’s unhealthy and wrong and is just going to damage your dss further. Moreover, if you and your dp split up she will be left in a position where the man she has referred to as daddy won’t be in her life any more (he is unlikely to want to retain contact with her, but will still have contact with your joint dc) has left her life which will leave her more damaged and confused. If she’s already exhibiting mh issues this will make them worse. You need to explain to her that while your dp is her brother’s daddy, he is not her daddy, but she can use a name to call him that perhaps isn’t his first name. Although if your dss calls you by your first name then I would imagine his first name would be appropriate for your dd. Daddy is not appropriate though and she needs to learn this for the sake of everyone.

“3) I am aware we rushed into things but we ALWAYS had the bet intentions regarding our children.” If you go into counselling your own relationship will come under the spotlight, along with the impact getting together/moving in together/having a baby so soon has had on your clearly vulnerable children. You can’t undo the past, but you need to take a look at what part your impulsive actions have had on your children’s lives.

It’s not only people who abuse their children who need parenting classes.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I'm glad you're getting help. I do think it's natural to put your own child first but I'm worried that you're not just doing that, you're stopping his needs from being met/ making things worse for the little boy. NOT on purpose of course, which is why you all desperately need help.

One thing that has struck me about all your posts, that may help the way you're feeling right now...

It's very 'goodies' and 'baddies' isn't it? This child is good, this one is bad. If help is required its because you are bad. Only the bad child must have intervention. You'll leave etc etc.

I think in your distress and knowing things have gone wrong you are falling into an unhelpful way of seeing the situation. I suspect it's because you feel more guilty than you're letting on, hence the refusal to accept any blame or responsibility.and why you are blaming a little boy with such vehemence and strength of feeling... And I think that's why others on here have pushed back against that and pointed out that if someone has to be put in the baddie role, it's the adults not the children who should be forced into that role.

But why do you have to see things in this way?

There doesn't need to be a hero and a villan, and its not a choice of perfect parents vs shit parents... Just adults and children having a rubbish time and being brave enough to want to change yourself and everyone else's futures.

Can't you switch from all this blame stuff, and the extreme Angels and Devil roles you're choosing between for everyone... And be kind to yourself, your dd, and your sds? That's the only way everyone will end up happier.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Looking to a child's experiences in order to understand their behaviour is not the same as saying it's ok because he had a tough past.
Parenting support can help with strategies to manage challenging behaviour, it's not just about teaching parents how to parent without beating and starving their children.

You need help as a family, but you are taking every suggestion as a personal criticism. Whatever.

[TonytheFish]

Ok, so who puts the step son first?

The ex alcoholic mother he only sees at weekends?

The father who by all accounts, until you came along was barely able to spend any time with him? And who he now has to compete with on time and affection with two other children. Two other children who have the loving attention of two adults. He has the limited attention of one adult, and the loathing of the other!

And he is demonised!

As far as I can see, no body puts this boy first. He has not got the sure knowledge, as every child does, that he matters, and is loved and secure!

You remain completely unwilling to see how your and your partners decisions and actions have led to this situation. If, as you say, he was like this at the start...does that mean you have disliked this kid from the start?

[InspirationFailed]

I think a point that a lot of people are missing is that these children aren't siblings - they haven't grown up together, they don't know each other well enough to understand the behaviour and take it with a punch of salt, the 6 year old doesn't know what the 10 year old is capable of.

And it's all very well bashing the OP for past deductions, but what's done is done and none of us are perfect, none of us can turn back time, so it's pointless harping on about it.

No all 10 year olds are innocent little boys, there have been horrific crimes committed by boys this age - if the open is concerned then maybe she has valid reason.

[wannaBe]

it is possible to make shit parenting decisions without being a shit parent. or decisions which have a negative impact on your children.

You jumped into a situation which was bad for the children e.g. you moved in together pretty much straight away with consideration only for yourselves (presumably because you were pregnant).

I always think of the idea that the children are so excited about the move as a bit of a clichet. Not because they wouldn't be happy esp if it's a relationship they have been used too for some time, but because generally that is exactly what the parents want. No parent wants to think that moving into a new relationship is going to negatively impact on their children. We all want to think that our children will like our new partner/his children and you will all be one happy family because you are in lurve. But reality doesn't work like that, and it takes time for a relationship, a proper relationship to develop between children and their perspective new stepparent. Your children weren't even given a chance to get to know each other and the two of you before you all moved in together and you started trying to play happy families.

Most people don't even introduce their kids to a new partner before about six months, you'd all moved in together by then.

[AtSea1979]

I feel so sad for this little boy. Who is putting him first?

[tethersend]

"I think a lot of people on here are saying what he is doing is ok because he's had a tough past, that's the bit I do not accept, I do not think this a valid excuse."

This is tricky to hear, but for children who have experienced early trauma, their past often causes the challenging behaviour. It's not a case of saying that what he is doing is ok- it isn't. It's a case of understanding why he's doing it.

Unless you as a family know what's causing this behaviour, you won't be able to change it- you may even make things worse by following well-meant advice about sanctions and withdrawing privileges, which could compound his possible fear of rejection and leave him feeling more excluded from the family unit, thus making the behaviour worse.

I wish you luck with it all. It certainly sounds as if there are some complex issues here.

[wannaBe]

inspiration the past is relevant when it most likely is a huge contributing factor.

And most six year olds don't seem to have much issue with telling tales on school friends/friends in the park when they are nasty to them, so I fail to see this as any different.

And it is also worth bearing in mind that ten year olds who have committed horrific crimes have also usually been seriously emotionally damaged by the adults who were supposed to care for them...

[Ellajuliana]

I had a very loving relationship with my step son from the start, I treated him no different from my daughter, he got the same amount of attention (if not more) he does get quality time with his mother now and he enjoys going as she is not drinking now and has a stable job and supportive family behind her, he doesn't get the time with his dad but no one does as he works very hard, my Daughter doesn't get much time with me alone as I have my baby and as you all know they need more attention then anyone! So in that respect my step son has his mum to himself where my children don't, if that makes sense?

I never show how I feel to my step son as that would be evil, I smile and laugh with him, make his tea, help him with his homework every day like I used to before all this, I keep all this to myself, my partner knows about it and seems almost blind to it, although he is fully aware that I am 50/50 wether I state or not, that's why we all need counselling, I am willing to try to keep this family together, if I truly hated the child I wouldn't stick around.

[tethersend]

FWIW, I would hazard a guess that your behaviour has not been the cause of his trauma, OP.

An alcoholic mother for the first three years of your life and then a chaotic childhood with little stability will have made its mark. The confusion of a blended family happening very quickly is likely to have exacerbated the problems, but perhaps not caused them.

All this is supposition, of course.

[Ellajuliana]

I feel like I am handling this all alone, with my baby boy teething at the mo, my daughter and her problem and my step sons vile behaviour I feel very helpless, and I am crying out for help really I am, it is just hard to admit it.

But I will always put my children first, and if I feel that they are in danger I must take them away from that situation

[tethersend]

What does your partner say about the situation, Ella?

[Ellajuliana]

He just says he will get his son to see a counselled and that I shouldn't worry, but that is easier said then done when he isn't around to see how stressful this all is, he is worried I will leave and he won't get to see our son and my daughter and that he doesn't want to be a weekend dad. He got upset the other day and said he would send my step son to live with his mum again (it was a spur of the moment comment) he said it while he was very upset.

I said no, if I hated my step son I would have jumped at the chance!

[scottishmummy]

You must press gp for camhs referral.dont rely on husband he won't do it

[CalamitouslyWrong]

I think the fact that his dad ever talks about sending his son away to live with his grandparents (again) to stop his stepmother leaving is very likely to be a big component in this. It does not sound like your step-son feels at all secure in his family and feels that he comes last.

It doesn't matter whether your DSS heard this or not. He is almost certainly well aware that his dad would choose everyone else over him. Children usually are.

[CalamitouslyWrong]

And I think, in a situation where a child feels that his father cannot be relied upon to put him first, it's quite easy to see why he would want to stress to his stepsister that his dad is not her dad, and that her dad doesn't love her. What he's really saying is that he's very worried that his dad doesn't love him (enough) and that he'd choose his new stepsister over him.

That incidentally is exactly what he told you he'd do to stop you leaving.

[LilllyLovesLife]

nobody has said you are a bad parent. but your not taking on board what people are saying. I feel you totally ignored my last post. parenting classes are usually attended mostly by good parents. even being there shows they care enough to do it.

I don't have step children but my partner is step dad to my girls and then we have a little boy together and another on the way. He genuinely treats them all the same. There is no preferences, no children come before the other. They are all equal and that's the way it should be if your going to live together.

[fromparistoberlin73]

good luck OP, and well done for staying

I will be the 100th to say this but one of the best mums i know did a parenting class!

just get help, thats all we are saying

[midnightagents]

Wow just read this post from start to finish. Surely this is the most pointless thread ever? Op asks for advice then violently disputes every single piece of advice, only agreeing with people who said you must protect your daughter, without any useful information on how to do that.

You really have two choices. Leave with your dd, to protect her. Or stay, and get some help with your attitude towards your stepson. That's the only way his behaviour will improve, not through punishment or casting him aside, that will just cause more resentment and your'll both come up against a brick wall. There is no point just him getting help if you point blank refuse to admit that you have created part of the problem and need to put it right.

Seeing as that seems too much I would seriously consider you, your dd and baby living separately from your partner and stepson. Whatever you decide to do please take your dd to the drs, she needs proffesional help with the hand washing thing. It indicates huge emotional instability, not a criticism, but she's had a lot to deal with and needs help aside from the difficult relationship with her step brother.

[cory]

Speaking as somebody who has lived through difficult times with biological children (and with biological siblings for that matter), I can't understand why neither you or your dh can see the obvious: that the only way to help your children without breaking up is to put everything into getting help for your stepson, and help for all of you to function as a family.

How else do you suppose it's going to stop? Here we have a deeply troubled child who has been brought up by an alcoholic, then taken away from his main carer by a father who did nothing to get him help at that stage, then thrown into a new family where he is not really wanted.

Do you think telling him it must stop is actually going to stop it? Or do you think you can punish him out of being disturbed?

Nobody on this thread is saying that this boy should be allowed to carry on bulluying your dd. Nobody says this is acceptable behaviour.

What we are saying (and remember, some of us speak from experience), is that if you want it to stop, then you and your dh have to work together to get proper help, and you have to do this as a family. This boy needs therapy. You as a family need either family therapy or parenting classes. It's not a criticism of you: it is a recognition that this situation is beyond what you and your dh can handle on your own.

If you cannot accept this, then it is your duty to split up from your dh. Because this situation is not something that will sort itself out.