My 10 yeah old Stepson is mentally abusing my 6 year old Daughter

[Ellajuliana]

This is my first post on any type of forum so please bear with me!

So here it goes.....me and my partner got together 2 years ago, he has a son and I have a Daughter, things moved every quickly, I got pregnant and now have a 6 month old son with my partner, we all live together and my Stepson goes to his Mums every weekend, as she used to drink and he is with his dad and me full time now (she hasn't drank for years) and that is not an excuse for what he is doing

From the very start my stepson has been horrendous to my Daughter, he started by hitting her at night time and telling her not to tell anyone, then he hit her in the face with a doll which resulted in my Daughter having a black eye, me and my partner punished him for this, well i did, my partner kind of shouted at him and forgot about it...now the big problem is this....a few weeks ago I noticed my daugher constantly washing her hands, to the point where they were sore, she is all of a sudden obsessed with makingher step dad sick etc, after me asking and asking her what it wrong she eventually told me that my step son told her that my partner isnt her real dad and he hasn't got the same germs as her and that if she touches him it will make him very sick.

My daughter knows she has a different biological dad up has called my partner Daddy for a while now.

I am beyond furious with my step son and just cannot forgive him for this, I can't even look at him let alone speak to him, I can't stand being around him at all and i am at breaking point.

I'd go as far to say I hate him at the moment, and I know that seems harsh but he has put MY own Daughter through hell since the beginning, I just need some much needed advice, I don't want to look after him anymore, I don't want him anywhere near my children either, if this carries on I fear I will have to leave and take my daughter out of this dangerous situation, I feel like a bad Mum already for keeping her in this situation for so long.

Thankyou for reading this

[tabulahrasa]

Nobody is saying his behaviour is acceptable, understandable and acceptable are different things.

He's an upset little boy who's taking it out on your DD, of course you can't just let him - but he needs support too.

[Fontofnowt]

He is behaving badly but you won't gain by having a overreaction.
You feel so strongly because you have had lots to cope with all at once.
Get your partner and yourself some space and some impartial advice.
Butting heads by both of you being defensive about your first borns won't help.
You both need to step back and see how the situation has impacted on each of you individually and as a family.

[NigellasDealer]

yes but ella, his family unit was himself and his dad, and now that has all changed.
yes of course you should pull him up but your response to him just sounds so....harsh really; i mean if you wanted them to be siblings, you must have thought there might be some sibling rivalry surely?

[Morgause]

This is not "perfectly normal sibling behaviour". To minimise what the boy is doing is not helpful. He is obviously very troubled but the OP has to safeguard her daughter.

[Aboyandabunny]

What SirChenjin said.

[Ellajuliana]

I was thinking maybe I need some counselling too as the feelings I'm having aren't normal but at the same time I cannot help how I feel right now, my partner works full time and I am on maternity leave at the mo, so I am looking after him and dealing with this all the time, it is draining me emotionally and physically

[SirChenjin]

It is perfectly normal sibling behaviour - albeit at the viler end, and should be dealt with in the same way that any other vile behaviour from siblings is dealt with. To label it as 'mental abuse' is ridiculous.

[Ellajuliana]

Exactly Morgause, I am her mother it is my duty.

And yes I know the difference between sibling rivalry and downright bullying tactics, I am one of10 children and I was never treated like this hand on heart.

[Morgause]

To label it as perfectly normal is equally ridiculous. I wouldn't say it was mental abuse but it is far from normal.

[SirChenjin]

You're not dealing with it all the time - he's at school during the day and away at his Mum's every weekend.

Family counselling sounds like an excellent idea. It sounds (to me) as if you resent him and don't see him as one of your children.

[SirChenjin]

Of course it's normal - vile normal.

[Ellajuliana]

Honestly, I do to see him as one of my own and I don't think I will until this is resolved, and I deal with it in the school holidays and the weekends he isn't at his mums, before school, after school, etc so yeah, all the time compared to his own mum and dad

[Becomingmom]

It IS mental abuse whether he means it or not because the poor young girl is obsessing that her germs will hurt someone she loves so she is managing her fear by washing her hands. Maybe try to explain that germs are needed to protect people. As for your step son he needs help also but he is only a young boy himself and some things are hard for children to understand, don't hate him help him because currently you all have to co-exist together. Try to support a healthy relationship between the two of them that is more positive maybe.

[Fontofnowt]

The lad isn't a massive problem he needs help but it isn't a huge thing he is having understandable behavior that needs to be stopped.
Why you are reacting so defensively is something you need help with too because of your new baby.
For the next 18 years you and your partner will have to deal with hiccups like this so working together needs tostart now.

[Ellajuliana]

Is is not normal! Making another child wash her hands 30-40 times a day til they bleed, worrying about touching her little brother, step dad and me, that is not normal. It never will be

[Morgause]

Not in the least normal in my considerable experience with children with behavioural problems, SirChenjin.

It's a red flag and needs to be dealt with not normalised.

[wannaBe]

actually I think you are making out that your dss has all the issues here and are failing to notice the issues in your own daughter.

Excessive handwashing in response to a bit of sibling rivalry in a six year old is not normal, and I would be wanting to address whether she is prone to these kinds of types of reactions and addressing what it is in her own past which might need addressing.

As for your dss:

His mother is an alcoholic. When he was three she lost custody, so he was taken from her and taken to live with his dad full time, who knows when he saw her after that but that will have been a massive thing for him to have to deal with at such a young age.

Then, after having his dad to himself for years suddenly a new woman arrives on the scene with a younger child and he is forced to share his dad with her. You move in together and within weeks you are pregnant, so not only is he forced to accept this child who isn't his sister suddenly calling his dad (who is his) daddy, but now there is a new baby on the way too.

And you're angry at him for lashing out? have a word with yourself. You as the adults have brought about this situation, it is your fault for rushing into a relationship and forcing it on your children when they clearly needed time to adjust to things, and especially bringing another baby into the equation as well.

He is acting out in the only way he can, and that is to assert the truth and claim back what is his i.e. his daddy. He's not wrong, your dp isn't your dd's daddy. And allowing her to call him daddy after a matter of months is IMO bloody unhealthy especially for your dss.

If my xh's dp's dd started calling him daddy I have no doubt my eleven year old would tell her that he's not her daddy and I wouldn't think him in the wrong for doing so.

So if you really hate a ten year old child who you are partly responsible for putting in this situation then yes, I would suggest you leave for his sake.

grow the fuck up.

[elastamum]

There is a saying that I think applies here which is 'seek first to understand, then to be understood'

I think the first thing you need to do is consider what it must be like to be your DSS. He lived with his dad, had a shaky parenting relationship with his mum and is now having to share his dad, who is his one source of stability with you, your DD and a new baby. Deep down he is probably insecure and taking it out on DD, who he may resent as she is taking attention from 'his' dad.

It sounds like your DSS is much more upset than the rest of you by the set up of your new family unit. Now, it isnt to say his behaviour is OK, but you all need to understand the why, and your role in it, before you work out and agree strategies to resolve it so everyone in your family unit can feel happy and secure.

If I were you, I would seek help from outside.

[cdwales]

Many people have hardship - but we react in different ways according to our characters. Your stepson has worrying issues and def needs treatment. Personally I would not expose my children to such as he and leave. This is about as black and white as it comes...

[NigellasDealer]

umm ella i realise this must be upsetting to witness but i do not suppose a ten year old actually planned to 'make' her wash her hands so often, he was simply being nasty, as siblings are.
maybe your dd already had some 'thing' about cleanliness in the first place and he just 'added fuel to the fire'?

[Fontofnowt]

A bit harsh Wannabe.

[SirChenjin]

The perhaps you need to speak to his Mum and Dad about the time they spend with him? In the meantime, can you look into family counselling? If you start seeing one child as the abuser and the other as the victim then these roles can become established and hard to break over the longer term. Add to that an unsettled and unstable young childhood, a mother who drinks heavily, a blended family and new siblings and it's not exactly conducive to a happy family dynamic.

[seasonallyconfused]

I would take my daughter out of that situation asap. Hitting her at nightime would have been enough for me. This boy sounds like a psycho in the making.

[SirChenjin]

Apart from the "grow the fuck up" Wannabe makes some extremely good (but no doubt difficult to hear) points

[lougle]

Let me get the timeline straight:

For his first 3 years he had an unstable home situation because his Mum was a heavy drinker.

He then moved in with his Dad full-time and for 5 years, it was just them at home, with weekend visits to his Mum.

Then, 2 years ago, you suddenly appeared.

You were living together within 6 months (presumably he only got to meet you for less than 6 months before you were living together).

Then 3 months later you were pregnant (6 month old baby, 9 month pregnancy, leaves 3 months).

Yes?

So in his life he's had to cope with 2 changes of home circumstances (move from his Mum's to his Dad's, then living with you), gaining 2 siblings (how old is your DD?), gaining a Step Mother, sharing his Dad...

That is a lot of changes.