My 10 yeah old Stepson is mentally abusing my 6 year old Daughter

[Ellajuliana]

This is my first post on any type of forum so please bear with me!

So here it goes.....me and my partner got together 2 years ago, he has a son and I have a Daughter, things moved every quickly, I got pregnant and now have a 6 month old son with my partner, we all live together and my Stepson goes to his Mums every weekend, as she used to drink and he is with his dad and me full time now (she hasn't drank for years) and that is not an excuse for what he is doing

From the very start my stepson has been horrendous to my Daughter, he started by hitting her at night time and telling her not to tell anyone, then he hit her in the face with a doll which resulted in my Daughter having a black eye, me and my partner punished him for this, well i did, my partner kind of shouted at him and forgot about it...now the big problem is this....a few weeks ago I noticed my daugher constantly washing her hands, to the point where they were sore, she is all of a sudden obsessed with makingher step dad sick etc, after me asking and asking her what it wrong she eventually told me that my step son told her that my partner isnt her real dad and he hasn't got the same germs as her and that if she touches him it will make him very sick.

My daughter knows she has a different biological dad up has called my partner Daddy for a while now.

I am beyond furious with my step son and just cannot forgive him for this, I can't even look at him let alone speak to him, I can't stand being around him at all and i am at breaking point.

I'd go as far to say I hate him at the moment, and I know that seems harsh but he has put MY own Daughter through hell since the beginning, I just need some much needed advice, I don't want to look after him anymore, I don't want him anywhere near my children either, if this carries on I fear I will have to leave and take my daughter out of this dangerous situation, I feel like a bad Mum already for keeping her in this situation for so long.

Thankyou for reading this

[Morgause]

Where's the sympathy for the six year old little girl?

[Ellajuliana]

WannaBe my step son had a crap life before me! He never saw his dad as he works every hour he can, he was passed from friend to friend, family member etc as his dad couldn't look after him all the time, had no after school activities, now he sees his dad more, I got him into martial arts and drama clubs, he has dinner with us the same time every night and because of my interfering he and his Mother are getting on better then ever

So before you go collect your mother of the year award, look in a mirror of the mistakes im sure you have made in the past before you judge me so hard

[Ellajuliana]

Is is what I mean, no one ever takes my 6 year olds feelings into account

[wannaBe]

fgs your daughter is not in danger.

What are you going to do when she starts being spiteful to your ds (her own brother) because children are horrible, they really are.

My sister used to put food on my plate from hers (I am VI) and tell my mum I hadn't eaten my dinner. Fortunately my mum was wise to her, but it was a classic case of her taking advantage.

My mum used to make my sister take me out with her and she used to get bored of me after a few minutes and take me home and say I had to tell my mum I wanted to come home. she was just older and didn't really want to have to have her younger sibling tagging along and ruining her street cred with her friends.

Siblings are horrible to each other. It's actually natural because it teaches children about dealing with conflict.

I think if you went to ss and said "my ss is telling my dd my dp isn't her daddy and the germs will make us sick," they would dismiss it as "normal sibling behaviour." However if you mentioned your dd's excessive reaction I think they would be far more likely to look at your dd than your ds, her behaviour to me is far more concerning than his. so be careful what you wish for...

[NigellasDealer]

really ella how nasty, have you questioned your own role in this mess?

[Fontofnowt]

Calling someone who is patiently trying to help an idiot doesn't show you in a very good light OP.

[ormirian]

Do you normally react so angrily to advice?

[wannaBe]

"So before you go collect your mother of the year award, look in a mirror of the mistakes im sure you have made in the past before you judge me so hard." oh do grow up. You have asked for opinions here and have been told pretty unanimously that you are in the wrong and your family (including your dd who is exhibiting worrying behaviors herself) needs help.

If you can't accept that then fine, go ahead and keep damaging your children. But if you leave don't think your dd will be cured of her OCD type tendencies, your dd needs help, and it is not down to a ten year old child that this is the case.

The adults in this situation (both of you) have failed these children spectacularly because of your own selfishness. You can either choose to accept that or you can continue to put the blame on to an innocent child who has had a difficult upbringing through no fault of his own.

But clearly you only posted this thread for sympathy, and as you're not getting it you're throwing your toys out of your pram.

[Timetoask]

wannebe, ofcourse her daughter is in danger, in danger of being emotionally scared. How would you feel being unable to live in piece in your own home, infer of a bully. OP is right to be worried.
The fact is, this boy needs help, but lets not undermine the situation for OPs daughter.

[wannaBe]

ah, the classic defense - resort to personal insults.

Do carry on op, it says far more about you than it does about me. (I won't be reporting).

[TonytheFish]

You are completely unwilling to bend on the fact that you and your partner have pretty much caused this situation!

You say his life is so much better now, yet he is living in a home, where the woman, who is the biological mother of the two other children there..treats him differently, quite clearly has issues with him, and wont "accept" him until his behaviour improves.

You and your partner need to wake up to the part you have played in this.

And your daughters reaction is way over the top, and not at all a normal response, even with the "bullying" a damaged ten year old boy is doing. calling people idiots and only agreeing with people who agree the boy "mentally abusing" your daughter just shows your agenda.

They were ok all moving in together, "if they had their own space" which they did not, they had to share a room to start. Then another baby is added into the mix, your daughter is calling your partner "daddy" very quickly.

If your step soon has from the very start, so what 2 years ago? been mean to your dd, then clearly he was not ok with everything that was happening, despite whatever talk your or his dad might have had with him. That was the point to take it slower, not move in and have a baby on the way within months!

[firstchoice]

ella - calm down.
And try not to be defensive, people are trying to help, really they are

In your own words:
"my step son had a crap life before me! He never saw his dad as he works every hour he can, he was passed from friend to friend, family member etc as his dad couldn't look after him all the time, had no after school activities"

Your DsS has had a pretty rubbish start. He needs some help. Get it.

"now he sees his dad more, I got him into martial arts and drama clubs, he has dinner with us the same time every night and because of my interfering he and his Mother are getting on better then ever"

You have tried hard to improve things for him. When you are calm you can say it is not HIM you don't like, it is his BEHAVIOR - all the difference in the world.

Get some help for him, but you MUST offer your dd the same chance. If you are worried about dss's effect on her, worried about the sudden change of family circs etc, give her a chance for some help too.

It would be good for you to have some support as well as I believe, from the above, that you are trying hard here, but have hit a wall over the handwashing thing?

[Ellajuliana]

So me being told to grow the fuck up is ok? A lot of you are just hypocrites...

And yes we all as a family need help, but I will never think it is ok to bully another child, ever, my go even agreed that somehing recent must have triggered my daughters behaviour, I know we rushed things and me and my bf have to live with that, you telling me were bad parents isn't helping me at all

[nobutreally]

Ok, I think you need to wonder why nearly everyone on here is telling you the same thing - that you & your whole smiley may need some help here. You say yes ds was happy to move in, but that there's been conflict from day one. I think you need some help highlighting what is normal behaviour between (step) siblings, and what is not. From what you've said, nothing that has occurred is over and beyond what might happen in any family. Which is not to say its ok - your ds clearly needs to be punished for unacceptable behaviour. I think it's also interesting that you didn't find out about the situation until your daughters hands were sore - my guess is that she's maybe feeling more insecure abut the situation than you realise, if she didn't immediately tell you what was going on.

Luckily, it should be relatively easy to explain to your dd that your dss was wrong - germs are shared predominantly by people who are in contact with each other. In fact a chat about the difference between germs and genes might be an interesting one for your family...

But what we are hearing is that you & your dp as the adults, are not in a position to deal fairly with your dss and your dd. it sounds like situations are being felt in emotionally disproportionate ways, and without some outside help to understand the different needs of everyone n your family, I think this is going to be tough. And especially on your dss and your dd.

[wannaBe]

timetoask but this is not straightforward.

No-one has said the boy's behaviour doesn't need addressing, but reality is that all the family's behaviors need addressing.

The boy is lashing out because a younger child has been thrust into his world and has taken away his daddy, even calling him daddy when he isn't. chances are that his development may have been affected by his upbringing or he may just have made the remark out of spite because children can be spiteful.

The daughter is exhibiting OCD type behaviors which are not normal. It's easy to blame a ten year old child for those behaviors but reality is that people are either prone or not to those types of behaviors, so while the ten year old may have triggered a response, the route cause needs investigating, because if one thing can trigger such a response then perhaps other things will in the future. It is naïve to think that such an excessive behaviour in a six year old has only one cause and that by removing the cause the behaviour will go away and never be triggered again.

The parents have acted with total disregard to their children, rushing headlong into a relationship, another baby, moving In together, the daughter calling the dp daddy, and with just a few chats with the children and drinking in all their excitement.

Everyone's behaviour needs examining and addressing, and that needs to start with the adults, because they are the ones who started this situation in the first place.

[SummerRain]

My three kill each other, things get thrown, they hit, bite, punch. Some kids are just physical when it comes to stress and aggression. Mine are always punishes and reprimanded yet still at least once a day one of them will injure another. It doesn't make them vile hateful little brats, it's just what some siblings are like unfortunately... My cousins and I used tear seven shades of shit out of each other and dp says his sibling were the same.

As for the handwashing, tbh that says a lot more about your daughters delicate mental state than your stepson's cruelty imo, she needs help far more so than he does... It sounds like she's not coping nearly as well as you thought she was with all these changes. Most 6 year old would have ignored him or gone running to you for clarification, it's concerning that her response was to stay quiet and start obsessively washing her hands.

There are two children in this situation who have been quite hard done by as a result of consistency reckless behaviour by the adults in their lives. It's time to face up to the situation you have created and take responsibility. You made some bad choices and now two kids are struggling, stop making this about you and deal with the crisis you have instigated by your selfish behaviour.

[ItsSpringBaby]

I agree that it sounds like neither child is coping well with this union. But that's to be expected where such huge changes take place in a short space of time. It does seem from what you've said that your daughter may already have underlying problems that have been exacerbated by your stepsons behaviour towards her.

OP you need to take a step back and try to look at ways to help the situation. They are children and you are the adult - unhelpful comment for me to make, but you need to realise that by rushing into a relationship and setting up home you are in part responsible for the current situation. I would suggest family counselling would be a good start. You included because the anger and resentment you're harbouring towards your stepson is not going to help matters, and even if you leave your partner you are only setting up more potential emotional issues for them all in the future.

[ormirian]

A normal childish reaction to the germ comments could be many thing - saying 'you've got more germs than me!', come running to you crying for reassurance, hitting him etc. But bottling it up and then repeatedly washing her hands till they are raw is not. Please find some help for all of you. Families are hard work - perhaps step families are even harder.

[TonytheFish]

The reason people keep pointing out that you need to realise the whole situation is not just down to a ten year old "mentally abusing" your daughter, is because you cannot see that what has gone on in recent years has contributed to the actions of both your children!

You are perfectly willing to blame a ten year old child for all of this. His behaviour is not acceptable, I agree, but you need to get to the bottom of it, not say you cant accept him or like him until his behaviour improves!

And you need to realise your daughters behaviour is not a normal reaction to this. Your daughter has clearly not accepted everything as well as you think. the step son and his behaviour may have been the trigger, but you also have a part to play in what she is now suffering.

"I am beyond furious with my step son and just cannot forgive him for this, I can't even look at him let alone speak to him, I can't stand being around him at all and i am at breaking point." that is not a normal reaction at all! If his behaviour has been like this since day 1, then that was the point to really deal with his issues!

He probably does not even feel like part of the family, a step mother who cant stand him , a father he rarely saw before, and 2 new "siblings" who he is clearly second class to, since they are your biological children, while he is not.

[Ellajuliana]

ShE didn't tell me straight away because my step son had told her not to because we wouldn't believe her!

[BondBasildonBond]

I would ask your GP for a family referral to CAMHS. A course of family therapy (go privately if you can afford it) could be just what your family needs.
Your dss's behaviour, whilst not being your run of the mill bickering, does not sound abnormal. Maybe it is in your experience, but believe me, siblings can be rotten to each other.
It's been pointed out that your dss has been through a rotten time growing up. This is NOT his fault. He is only ten.
It has also been pointed out that your dd's reaction to a vile (but normal) comment is extreme.
I think CAMHS may be the way forward for you.
Please stop blaming this little boy though, it is really swaying peoples' opinions of you.

[nobutreally]

Yes, I'd assumed he had BUT she listened to him/didn't tell. Why? I assume you've had the chat with her about not keeping secrets from you/that she can always tell you anything/that if people tell her not to tell you, to ignore them? If you haven't, now would be a good time! But, my two tell each other not to tell me stuff all the time! ( don't tell mum I bonked you on the head and you can have my sticker book the stuff).

The key is that you need to be available enough and that they really believe it is safe to tell you anything. When my two were little, we used to do 5 mins at bedtime, with each of them alone, talking about their day - bad things, good things, questions. It might be good to create that space for both your DCs, to help make them feel really safe and listened to. Could that work for you?

[fromparistoberlin73]

stop fucking arguing with everyone!!!

get some help, seriously OP

I feel very sorry for eveyone (esp your DD and SS) but you are not doing yourself any favours by staying on this thread TBH

also, where the hell is his dad in all this? why are only you handling this?

look I know its horrible to get bashed in AIBU, but when you are less defensive read what people are saying - and think about it