My 10 yeah old Stepson is mentally abusing my 6 year old Daughter

[Ellajuliana]

This is my first post on any type of forum so please bear with me!

So here it goes.....me and my partner got together 2 years ago, he has a son and I have a Daughter, things moved every quickly, I got pregnant and now have a 6 month old son with my partner, we all live together and my Stepson goes to his Mums every weekend, as she used to drink and he is with his dad and me full time now (she hasn't drank for years) and that is not an excuse for what he is doing

From the very start my stepson has been horrendous to my Daughter, he started by hitting her at night time and telling her not to tell anyone, then he hit her in the face with a doll which resulted in my Daughter having a black eye, me and my partner punished him for this, well i did, my partner kind of shouted at him and forgot about it...now the big problem is this....a few weeks ago I noticed my daugher constantly washing her hands, to the point where they were sore, she is all of a sudden obsessed with makingher step dad sick etc, after me asking and asking her what it wrong she eventually told me that my step son told her that my partner isnt her real dad and he hasn't got the same germs as her and that if she touches him it will make him very sick.

My daughter knows she has a different biological dad up has called my partner Daddy for a while now.

I am beyond furious with my step son and just cannot forgive him for this, I can't even look at him let alone speak to him, I can't stand being around him at all and i am at breaking point.

I'd go as far to say I hate him at the moment, and I know that seems harsh but he has put MY own Daughter through hell since the beginning, I just need some much needed advice, I don't want to look after him anymore, I don't want him anywhere near my children either, if this carries on I fear I will have to leave and take my daughter out of this dangerous situation, I feel like a bad Mum already for keeping her in this situation for so long.

Thankyou for reading this

[tabulahrasa]

You've gone from one child to three in a short space of time, one's not yours and is behaving in a way that makes you worried about your child...it's absolutely ok to be feeling like you can't cope with it.

It's just that there's a big difference between feeling like you want to give up on him and actually doing it.

The thing is, you're clearly stressed, you DSS is unhappy and acting out, your DD reacted very strongly to him saying that.

You could leave, but that won't actually solve anything other than this immediate issue, it won't resolve your DSS's issues, it won't help your DD to work out why she reacted so strongly instead of just asking you if that was true.

Counselling seems to be the way to go - to me anyway.

[lougle]

x-post with wannabe...

[Ellajuliana]

My daughter has never had any issues as far as this, and yes we did rush into things and I know how hard it must be for BOTH children, not just one, they have just reacted in different ways, but I am really struggling to forgive my step son at the moment, especially when my daughter is crying everyday because her hands are so sore, it breaks my heart and that is why I am struggling

[minniemagoo]

I'd definitely follow through with the counselling but I would get it for both children.

Your DSS is probably finding it hard for all the reasons wannabe listed above. Whilst his behaviour is mean I wouldn't go so far as to say abuse.

Your DD's reaction would raise some flags with me too - I think it is an extreme reaction to your DSS remarks. It would worry me that she gives such importance to his comments without letting you know/talking to you. Maybe spend some time with her, letting her know the importance of sharing her worries with you.
With a new partner and baby do you think she might feel disconnected from you allowing your DSS's remarks affect her so much.

[TonytheFish]

Honestly, I do to see him as one of my own and I don't think I will until this is resolved

Look, he may have a mother he sees, but you are the mother figure in his home...where he lives the majority of the time.

And you accepting him is dependent upon his behaviour reaching an "acceptable" level. And you think he does not know this!

It is not good behaviour on his part, I agree.

How does your partner treat your daughter who is not his biological child? As less important? As not his own? Not accepted?

[NigellasDealer]

maybe the germ thing is your issue, unwittingly?

[InspirationFailed]

He's a 10 year old boy - old enough to know what he is doing is wrong, it is bullying. And it's not acceptable.

I have 4 boys and they have never treated each other like this, it's not normal (normal is bickering and arguing)

Poor girl has had a stranger move into her home - even though they are supposed to be family, she has only known him 2 years, and is being bullied in her own home. If this was happening at school it wouldn't be acceptable!

I would ask DP and his child to move out and spend time together as a family but let your daughter know that her home is a safe place to be. I wouldn't be overly concerned with the 'poor boy' stuff - it's my daughter that would be my priority.

And before anyone says how awful I am - I'm not a step parent and wouldn't become one either as I don't have the ability to suddenly have to pretend to put someone else child first etc

[Trapper]

I believe this is abusive behaviour. However normal people may think it is, does not make it any less abusive.
You have a duty of care to your daughter and you are right to protect her. Both children need to see that a line has been crossed here and that both parents have managed the situation. Family concealing sounds like a good idea - your daughter needs to be encouraged to open up to you more so you can offer her perspective on what she is told be her step-brother, school friends and others who may influence her. If she has activities that boost her self-esteem then these should also be encouraged.
Best of luck - sorry you are going through this.

[wannaBe]

I'll apologise for my last sentence but not the rest.

the truth is often harsh and people don't want to hear it.

This is a two year relationship, so not long term as yet in the scheme of moving in together/having babies even if both parties were single that would be all a bit soon, but there are damaged children in the equation here whose feelings appear not to have been considered at all in this.

A six year old who is excessively handwashing has issues. A child doesn't suddenly develop these behaviors off the back of a comment from another child, yes it could be a trigger but generally these traits are already present and the op needs to not discount that.

Allowing your child to call another man daddy within the space of months is not healthy at all. What happens if the relationship didn't work out? And more to the point, when there are biological children in the equation where do their feelings come into it?

I would put a stop to her calling him daddy asap. He's not her daddy, and it seems the op is projecting her own feelings by allowing this, and in the meantime is contributing to the insecurities her ss is feeling.

[SirChenjin]

What have you done about it so far? If her hands are so sore that she's crying every day then presumably you've had her at the doctors? Have they referred you onto other services?

I'm sure you're struggling to to forgive him, but I'm sure he's probably finding it much harder to forgive you (and to some extent, his dad) for breaking up his family unit and everything he knew as secure in his very unstable childhood. You really need to nip this in the bud and seek family counselling. You also need to remember that siblings can be vile to each other, without labelling it as 'abuse'.

[Ellajuliana]

He's a 10 year old boy - old enough to know what he is doing is wrong, it is bullying. And it's not acceptable.

I have 4 boys and they have never treated each other like this, it's not normal (normal is bickering and arguing)

Poor girl has had a stranger move into her home - even though they are supposed to be family, she has only known him 2 years, and is being bullied in her own home. If this was happening at school it wouldn't be acceptable!

I would ask DP and his child to move out and spend time together as a family but let your daughter know that her home is a safe place to be. I wouldn't be overly concerned with the 'poor boy' stuff - it's my daughter that would be my priority.

And before anyone says how awful I am - I'm not a step parent and wouldn't become one either as I don't have the ability to suddenly have to pretend to put someone else child first etc


This! This is pretty much how I feel at the moment, thankyou

[firstchoice]

I think you could ALL do with some support.

DsS needs support - he has been raised by an alcoholic (who now is dry) but it must have been problematic for her to lose custody. He will need to process this at some point. Also, his father now has a new wife, a new baby and there is a new sister too. That is a lot for him to cope with and it sounds like he is struggling. He could do with some help.
He is not 'mentally abusing' your dd but he is spewing his distress over her (to her detriment) so needs somewhere else to present that distress to, where it can be safely handled.

Your dd could do with some support too to help her stop her handwashing behaviour (whoever 'started' it). She has also had to adjust to a 'new dad', new baby and a new sibling. Not easy.

You said 'it all happened very quickly' - this will make it harder for the children to adjust, much harder.

You might value some 'family therapy' too for ideas / support in blending the family more successfully? Clearly you feel very protective of your dd atm, and are struggling to care so much for your DsS. That is understandable as an initial reaction but if this family is going to 'work' then some support to enable all the children in the family to be equally valued would be essential for you all.

[Ellajuliana]

Yes I have taken her to her gp and he seems to believe that she has just started this as she has never been like this ever, I have another appt in a weeks time.

And as for my daughter calling him Daddy, she did that on her own, we didn't push her, and now you want me to tell her to stop calling him that?! Are you serious? Imagine what that would do to her!

[Driveway]

I agree with wannabe.

[SirChenjin]

And has the doctor referred you onto other services?

[tethersend]

I don't think his behaviour should be minimised.

I don't think his experiences should be minimised.

I don't think his and your DD's experiences should be compared.

I don't think this is just a blended families issue.

He lived with an alcoholic mother until he was three. The neglect and abuse he may have been subjected to may have impacted on him as he was at a crucial stage of development. Children who experience trauma in the first few years (or even months) of their life frequently experience emotional and behavioural problems later in life, even if they have had a stable upbringing from an early age (by being adopted, for example). They often cannot process difficult emotions, of which there are many, and their brain development can be affected.

Your DD had a stable, consistent, loving attachment figure from the moment she was born. It sounds as if your DSS did not. If you want to compare their experiences, start with that.

I am not telling you this to elicit sympathy for your DSS, or to encourage you to let him 'get away' with the behaviour, but to understand the emotions driving it is likely to mean that you can deal with it effectively and actually stop it.

[Fontofnowt]

It was aimed at the last bit WannaBe.
First time poster not in AIBU eand all that.

Ella we all feel protective over our dc. All of us.

In my opinion you can't see what is happening rationally because your instinct to defend dd has kicked in and blinded you.
You need some help to settle this, that's all.
You could be hanging all the upheaval stresses and new baby stress on your dss without even knowing.
If all was well and dss had told the lie normal punishment would be enough but because the stress is high it feels like the end of the world.

[Ellajuliana]

Not as yet sirchen I guess that's what the next appt is for, I'm not denying he has had a hard life...but he is loved, I have never treated him different, I was very close with him until this issue in fact

[neontetra]

I understand why you are so upset, and if this was my child I would leave or ask dh to leave with ds, for the time being at least.

Did he make a comment to her just once about germs, or does he repeatedly mention it?

If you don't/can't leave, you need to do all you can to avoid giving dss unsupervised access to dd.

Whether or not he can, at 10, be classed as a moral agent fully accountable for his actions is, in many ways, irrelevant. The risk to your daughter is your biggest concern. I do feel, as I'm sure you do, that help for dss would also be appropriate. Good luck!

[SirChenjin]

Hopefully you'll be referred onto family services (not sure what you have in your NHS Board or Trust) and can work to resolve these issues. It sounds as if you could all benefit greatly

[wannaBe]

you should never have allowed it in the first place.

Your dss has told your dd that your dp isn't her real daddy, and he isn't wrong - your dp isn't her daddy.

Yes he is wrong to have said about the germs but your dd's reaction to that is worryingly excessive.

It sounds to me as if the adults in this situation all make rash decisions for their own benefit without actually considering the children involved. Moving in together and blending families within six months? pregnant within three months after that? what on earth were you both thinking? except I suspect you weren't.

[AmberLeaf]

I agree with WannaBes post, Tethersends also.

You and your partner have created this situation, you should look at what you two have done here and address it. Don't blame the child who is trying in a childs way to process his experience/feelings.

[LadyBeagleEyes]

Your daughter washes her hands 30 to 40 times a day?
How is this possible? And what happens when she's at school?

[Ellajuliana]

We have stopped him being alone with her, and he has made sly comments like to her a lot, bringing up her biological dad etc and making her upset that he doesn't love her, (which he doesn't) he's seen her 3 times in 6 years when she was 1, she has no contact with him or his family, neither do I, I don't know if that is relevant, it could be I guess