My 10 yeah old Stepson is mentally abusing my 6 year old Daughter

[Ellajuliana]

This is my first post on any type of forum so please bear with me!

So here it goes.....me and my partner got together 2 years ago, he has a son and I have a Daughter, things moved every quickly, I got pregnant and now have a 6 month old son with my partner, we all live together and my Stepson goes to his Mums every weekend, as she used to drink and he is with his dad and me full time now (she hasn't drank for years) and that is not an excuse for what he is doing

From the very start my stepson has been horrendous to my Daughter, he started by hitting her at night time and telling her not to tell anyone, then he hit her in the face with a doll which resulted in my Daughter having a black eye, me and my partner punished him for this, well i did, my partner kind of shouted at him and forgot about it...now the big problem is this....a few weeks ago I noticed my daugher constantly washing her hands, to the point where they were sore, she is all of a sudden obsessed with makingher step dad sick etc, after me asking and asking her what it wrong she eventually told me that my step son told her that my partner isnt her real dad and he hasn't got the same germs as her and that if she touches him it will make him very sick.

My daughter knows she has a different biological dad up has called my partner Daddy for a while now.

I am beyond furious with my step son and just cannot forgive him for this, I can't even look at him let alone speak to him, I can't stand being around him at all and i am at breaking point.

I'd go as far to say I hate him at the moment, and I know that seems harsh but he has put MY own Daughter through hell since the beginning, I just need some much needed advice, I don't want to look after him anymore, I don't want him anywhere near my children either, if this carries on I fear I will have to leave and take my daughter out of this dangerous situation, I feel like a bad Mum already for keeping her in this situation for so long.

Thankyou for reading this

[Riotgrrrrl]

Hey everyone

I’m after some advice. This has been eating me up for almost 2 years now. I’ll give a bit of a background story so it’s easy to understand and you are able to see the big picture. I had a baby boy 4 years ago when I was 19. My partner at the time was very young, too young to raise a child and left us when my son was 4 months old. He didn’t make a consistent effort with him and ended up just moving away and not making an effort at all. I was single for a good 2 years until I met my now partner who also has a son aged 9. My son having no father figure or present Father around, took to my new partner as a father figure strongly. My partner is very jealous, I am guessing because his ex wife cheated on him during their marriage then left. My partner encouraged my son to call him Dad, and I took on the role of “step Mum”. Naturally, his son didn’t respond well to my son calling his father Dad, which is completely understandable for an only child. The first 6 months together was great. My partners family owns a Beach hut that we stay at occasionally. At the end of the first 6 months things started to go pear shaped. My step son telling my biological son that his Aunty (my partners sister) isint my sons aunty, my grandma isint your grandma etc.. which extremely confused my son because he is 4 and believes that my partner is his Dad. I’ve tried talking to my partner about it, but he doesn’t like to talk in depth about anything even thought this is extremely important to me. He has told me he has spoken to my step son about the matter but nothing has changed. My step son goes to his grandmothers house in the mornings and she drops him off to her daughters (the Aunty) before school and they all walk together. My son attends the same school but doesn’t get to go with Grandma. When we aren’t staying at the beach house but my partners parents are, my step son is allowed to stay with all the cousins and family but my son isin’t. My sister in law once has a dig at me about not including my step son. On this occasion, my grandparents were visiting from 26 hours down south and asked to take my son to the museum. At the time my step son was at the beach house with my partners family, so I didn’t feel the need to invite him because my son had already missed out on being there, and I wanted to treat him. My partners sister also gave me an extremely hard time after I had a very messy misscarriage x2 curette surgeries, accusing me of “trapping” her brother. Everytime I talk to my partner about it his solution is “if it’s that bad then leave”. Which is frustrating because my son adores him and is in a great routine where he is. I asked Both boys last weekend if they could not argue with each other for an hour, my step son cried and screamed “I WANT MY MUM”,Ran into our house and locked us all out. I try my hardest to always include him in everything and so does my family. He’s at my son for everything he does, from the way he eats to the way he speaks. I’m concerned this is going to affect my son in the long run, and I feel like a terrible mother for letting it go on this long. Please help!!

[Cynras1209]

Oh I can't stand this response, when your own child is being bullied and you can tell their in a nervous state and they're so young they don't know exactly what to say or how to react... you would feel the same if you're a mother. I don't believe anyone's opinion in this is valid unless you've been through it yourself. My son is 6 and is bullied by my 12 year old step son. He calls him a little girls, offers to play activities with him in which he knows my son won't be able to beat him in. He always downs my son and when I see the look in his face of always being defeated and his sits quietly with nothing to say... the rage is real and it's beyond easy to say you feel hate.

[Donram]

Apologies to Op as I know this is an older post but I felt really strongly about this dilemma and people's apparent disregard for common sense and sympathy for the OP's plight. This boy is clearly disturbed and my suspicion about the reason behind it is the alcoholic mother. I have been in a relationship with a single father for nearly 3 years his son is now 14 and my daughter is 10 and we don't live together and for only one reason. His son despises me and my daughter for simply being in his dad's life but his behaviour and attitude towards us cannot be described anything less now than abusive and bullying. My daughter was having nightmares,her confidence deteriorated to nothing she developed a very low opinion of herself because he made her feel like she was not wanted, and was intruding in the house as he has done me for nearly 3 years. He has no regard for anyone's feelings or needs. He constantly abuses his dad despite him being there for him practically every minute of the day and he makes threats of running away if his dad doesn't let him rule the house,his behaviour and attitude is appalling and my mental health as well as his dad's is at an all time low. His mother is an alcoholic who emotionally and physically abused his dad for years and neglected him and messed her son's mind. He is a boy full of anger and hatred and I have tried to give him the love he has never had from his mother and I have had the patience of a saint with him for two and a half years until this weekend and the result is my boyfriend and I are over because the strain has become too much for us both. I believe the mother is at the root of his anger but to be honest I am past caring his clear hatred for me and my child is never going to change and neither is my boyfriend who never shows me the respect of standing up for us despite me being there for him and his son. My point is the Op has clearly too reached breaking point there is only so much controlling,manipulative,downright nasty treatment a person can take before they mentally and physically cant do it anymore. Just like me she is not responsible for her stepsons past and should not have to pay for mistakes his mother and father have made and her daughter certainly doesn't. People who haven't experienced such distress cannot possibly imagine how the Op feels. You are constantly torn between your love for your partner and your own child and trying to love someone else's and I can assure you now it is extremely hard to love a child who belittles you so much that you feel totally worthless

[cory]

And frankly, OP, keeping on about how your dd is not behaving like this despite going through family break-up is quite offensive: it totally minimises what this boy has gone through.

Was your dd brought up by an alcoholic with all that entails? Was your dd taken away from her main carer at the age of 3? Is your dd's main carer somebody who would be happy to send her away to live elsewhere? No? Then don't even try to compare her situation with what this boy has gone through.

[cory]

Speaking as somebody who has lived through difficult times with biological children (and with biological siblings for that matter), I can't understand why neither you or your dh can see the obvious: that the only way to help your children without breaking up is to put everything into getting help for your stepson, and help for all of you to function as a family.

How else do you suppose it's going to stop? Here we have a deeply troubled child who has been brought up by an alcoholic, then taken away from his main carer by a father who did nothing to get him help at that stage, then thrown into a new family where he is not really wanted.

Do you think telling him it must stop is actually going to stop it? Or do you think you can punish him out of being disturbed?

Nobody on this thread is saying that this boy should be allowed to carry on bulluying your dd. Nobody says this is acceptable behaviour.

What we are saying (and remember, some of us speak from experience), is that if you want it to stop, then you and your dh have to work together to get proper help, and you have to do this as a family. This boy needs therapy. You as a family need either family therapy or parenting classes. It's not a criticism of you: it is a recognition that this situation is beyond what you and your dh can handle on your own.

If you cannot accept this, then it is your duty to split up from your dh. Because this situation is not something that will sort itself out.

[midnightagents]

Wow just read this post from start to finish. Surely this is the most pointless thread ever? Op asks for advice then violently disputes every single piece of advice, only agreeing with people who said you must protect your daughter, without any useful information on how to do that.

You really have two choices. Leave with your dd, to protect her. Or stay, and get some help with your attitude towards your stepson. That's the only way his behaviour will improve, not through punishment or casting him aside, that will just cause more resentment and your'll both come up against a brick wall. There is no point just him getting help if you point blank refuse to admit that you have created part of the problem and need to put it right.

Seeing as that seems too much I would seriously consider you, your dd and baby living separately from your partner and stepson. Whatever you decide to do please take your dd to the drs, she needs proffesional help with the hand washing thing. It indicates huge emotional instability, not a criticism, but she's had a lot to deal with and needs help aside from the difficult relationship with her step brother.

[fromparistoberlin73]

good luck OP, and well done for staying

I will be the 100th to say this but one of the best mums i know did a parenting class!

just get help, thats all we are saying

[LilllyLovesLife]

nobody has said you are a bad parent. but your not taking on board what people are saying. I feel you totally ignored my last post. parenting classes are usually attended mostly by good parents. even being there shows they care enough to do it.

I don't have step children but my partner is step dad to my girls and then we have a little boy together and another on the way. He genuinely treats them all the same. There is no preferences, no children come before the other. They are all equal and that's the way it should be if your going to live together.

[CalamitouslyWrong]

And I think, in a situation where a child feels that his father cannot be relied upon to put him first, it's quite easy to see why he would want to stress to his stepsister that his dad is not her dad, and that her dad doesn't love her. What he's really saying is that he's very worried that his dad doesn't love him (enough) and that he'd choose his new stepsister over him.

That incidentally is exactly what he told you he'd do to stop you leaving.

[CalamitouslyWrong]

I think the fact that his dad ever talks about sending his son away to live with his grandparents (again) to stop his stepmother leaving is very likely to be a big component in this. It does not sound like your step-son feels at all secure in his family and feels that he comes last.

It doesn't matter whether your DSS heard this or not. He is almost certainly well aware that his dad would choose everyone else over him. Children usually are.

[scottishmummy]

You must press gp for camhs referral.dont rely on husband he won't do it

[Ellajuliana]

He just says he will get his son to see a counselled and that I shouldn't worry, but that is easier said then done when he isn't around to see how stressful this all is, he is worried I will leave and he won't get to see our son and my daughter and that he doesn't want to be a weekend dad. He got upset the other day and said he would send my step son to live with his mum again (it was a spur of the moment comment) he said it while he was very upset.

I said no, if I hated my step son I would have jumped at the chance!

[tethersend]

What does your partner say about the situation, Ella?

[Ellajuliana]

I feel like I am handling this all alone, with my baby boy teething at the mo, my daughter and her problem and my step sons vile behaviour I feel very helpless, and I am crying out for help really I am, it is just hard to admit it.

But I will always put my children first, and if I feel that they are in danger I must take them away from that situation

[tethersend]

FWIW, I would hazard a guess that your behaviour has not been the cause of his trauma, OP.

An alcoholic mother for the first three years of your life and then a chaotic childhood with little stability will have made its mark. The confusion of a blended family happening very quickly is likely to have exacerbated the problems, but perhaps not caused them.

All this is supposition, of course.

[Ellajuliana]

I had a very loving relationship with my step son from the start, I treated him no different from my daughter, he got the same amount of attention (if not more) he does get quality time with his mother now and he enjoys going as she is not drinking now and has a stable job and supportive family behind her, he doesn't get the time with his dad but no one does as he works very hard, my Daughter doesn't get much time with me alone as I have my baby and as you all know they need more attention then anyone! So in that respect my step son has his mum to himself where my children don't, if that makes sense?

I never show how I feel to my step son as that would be evil, I smile and laugh with him, make his tea, help him with his homework every day like I used to before all this, I keep all this to myself, my partner knows about it and seems almost blind to it, although he is fully aware that I am 50/50 wether I state or not, that's why we all need counselling, I am willing to try to keep this family together, if I truly hated the child I wouldn't stick around.

[wannaBe]

inspiration the past is relevant when it most likely is a huge contributing factor.

And most six year olds don't seem to have much issue with telling tales on school friends/friends in the park when they are nasty to them, so I fail to see this as any different.

And it is also worth bearing in mind that ten year olds who have committed horrific crimes have also usually been seriously emotionally damaged by the adults who were supposed to care for them...

[tethersend]

"I think a lot of people on here are saying what he is doing is ok because he's had a tough past, that's the bit I do not accept, I do not think this a valid excuse."

This is tricky to hear, but for children who have experienced early trauma, their past often causes the challenging behaviour. It's not a case of saying that what he is doing is ok- it isn't. It's a case of understanding why he's doing it.

Unless you as a family know what's causing this behaviour, you won't be able to change it- you may even make things worse by following well-meant advice about sanctions and withdrawing privileges, which could compound his possible fear of rejection and leave him feeling more excluded from the family unit, thus making the behaviour worse.

I wish you luck with it all. It certainly sounds as if there are some complex issues here.

[AtSea1979]

I feel so sad for this little boy. Who is putting him first?

[wannaBe]

it is possible to make shit parenting decisions without being a shit parent. or decisions which have a negative impact on your children.

You jumped into a situation which was bad for the children e.g. you moved in together pretty much straight away with consideration only for yourselves (presumably because you were pregnant).

I always think of the idea that the children are so excited about the move as a bit of a clichet. Not because they wouldn't be happy esp if it's a relationship they have been used too for some time, but because generally that is exactly what the parents want. No parent wants to think that moving into a new relationship is going to negatively impact on their children. We all want to think that our children will like our new partner/his children and you will all be one happy family because you are in lurve. But reality doesn't work like that, and it takes time for a relationship, a proper relationship to develop between children and their perspective new stepparent. Your children weren't even given a chance to get to know each other and the two of you before you all moved in together and you started trying to play happy families.

Most people don't even introduce their kids to a new partner before about six months, you'd all moved in together by then.

[InspirationFailed]

I think a point that a lot of people are missing is that these children aren't siblings - they haven't grown up together, they don't know each other well enough to understand the behaviour and take it with a punch of salt, the 6 year old doesn't know what the 10 year old is capable of.

And it's all very well bashing the OP for past deductions, but what's done is done and none of us are perfect, none of us can turn back time, so it's pointless harping on about it.

No all 10 year olds are innocent little boys, there have been horrific crimes committed by boys this age - if the open is concerned then maybe she has valid reason.

[TonytheFish]

Ok, so who puts the step son first?

The ex alcoholic mother he only sees at weekends?

The father who by all accounts, until you came along was barely able to spend any time with him? And who he now has to compete with on time and affection with two other children. Two other children who have the loving attention of two adults. He has the limited attention of one adult, and the loathing of the other!

And he is demonised!

As far as I can see, no body puts this boy first. He has not got the sure knowledge, as every child does, that he matters, and is loved and secure!

You remain completely unwilling to see how your and your partners decisions and actions have led to this situation. If, as you say, he was like this at the start...does that mean you have disliked this kid from the start?

[EirikurNoromaour]

Looking to a child's experiences in order to understand their behaviour is not the same as saying it's ok because he had a tough past.
Parenting support can help with strategies to manage challenging behaviour, it's not just about teaching parents how to parent without beating and starving their children.

You need help as a family, but you are taking every suggestion as a personal criticism. Whatever.