My 10 yeah old Stepson is mentally abusing my 6 year old Daughter

[Ellajuliana]

This is my first post on any type of forum so please bear with me!

So here it goes.....me and my partner got together 2 years ago, he has a son and I have a Daughter, things moved every quickly, I got pregnant and now have a 6 month old son with my partner, we all live together and my Stepson goes to his Mums every weekend, as she used to drink and he is with his dad and me full time now (she hasn't drank for years) and that is not an excuse for what he is doing

From the very start my stepson has been horrendous to my Daughter, he started by hitting her at night time and telling her not to tell anyone, then he hit her in the face with a doll which resulted in my Daughter having a black eye, me and my partner punished him for this, well i did, my partner kind of shouted at him and forgot about it...now the big problem is this....a few weeks ago I noticed my daugher constantly washing her hands, to the point where they were sore, she is all of a sudden obsessed with makingher step dad sick etc, after me asking and asking her what it wrong she eventually told me that my step son told her that my partner isnt her real dad and he hasn't got the same germs as her and that if she touches him it will make him very sick.

My daughter knows she has a different biological dad up has called my partner Daddy for a while now.

I am beyond furious with my step son and just cannot forgive him for this, I can't even look at him let alone speak to him, I can't stand being around him at all and i am at breaking point.

I'd go as far to say I hate him at the moment, and I know that seems harsh but he has put MY own Daughter through hell since the beginning, I just need some much needed advice, I don't want to look after him anymore, I don't want him anywhere near my children either, if this carries on I fear I will have to leave and take my daughter out of this dangerous situation, I feel like a bad Mum already for keeping her in this situation for so long.

Thankyou for reading this

[Aboyandabunny]

Are you not questioning yourself and your attitude at all?
The cause of the problems within your family are glaringly obvious to everyone except YOU!

[FlashDrive]

So you dont want advice, you want people to nod and agree how terrible your DSS is, thats not going to happen because its not true

It is really worrying that your DD had to resort to excessive hand washing rather than be able to talk to you about it

So difficult for both children

but I dont think you have any intention of actually doing anything to help them

Thats such a shame

[noseymcposey]

Some of the posts on this thread are very odd indeed!

Of course the step-son deserves sympathy and understanding but ultimately OP's daughter should be protected in her own home. I'm genuinely surprised by the number of posters who think it is normal behaviour. Even if it is normal, it certainly isn't desirable and I would certainly feel worried in OP's situation.

I agree with the suggestions that counselling is advisable, particularly as a family and possibly for both children. Also agree with other posters who think OP's daughter had a very strong reaction to what he step brother said. I feel sorry for the DSS but not half as sorry as I do for the DD.

Does your DP spend a lot of one-to-one time with his DS? DS sounds like he's feeling possessive of his dad hence wanting to keep your DD away. Can your DP prioritise spending time with him, making him feel good etc while also taking responsibility for disciplining him when he steps out of line with your DD? Children seem to respond a lot better to discipline when they have a strong/open relationship with their parent so maybe a two pronged attack from DP both of filling him with attention, communication, listening to him etc while also being strict with him about how he treats other people. In the meantime you focus on your DD and make absolutely clear to her that you back her up and whatever DS says/does that ever makes her feel unhappy or worried she should come and tell you.

Do you have much 'fun' together as a family? Probably not so easy under current circumstances but maybe try and neutralise some of the hostility that way. I have two DS's and from time to time we start getting on each others nerves but making the effort to do something they enjoy all of us together improves things. I know that is a bit obvious/trivial but a combination of all these things might help?

[scottishmummy]

Ok,it does sound v difficult.I suggest ask gp for urgent referral to camhs
Get support for your daughter and the boy, keep asking.request I writing and see gp
They're both troubled and this needs an intervention.i hope it resolves well

[scottishmummy]

If the hand washing and distress is evident school will raise safeguarding alert,which would be a good thing

[Wellthatsit]

Good grief, so many aggressive people attacking the OP. She has admitted that she has rushed things, and has indicated that she understands a lot of the reasons that could be making her DSS act this way. She has also admitted that her own DD may need counselling, and has proactively sought professional help from her GP.

Talking of normal or abnormal behaviours, is it not normal to feel protective of your own child above any other child, however close that other child is to you? I would think it weird if the OP had more sympathy and feelings for her DSSthan her own DD, even if she was the most generous and giving person. She has clearly tried really hard to help DSS and it hasn't worked, and hopefully, OP, this will show you that he really needs significant help.

I agree, too, that a lot of posters have been quite hypocritical, by insulting the OP then admonishing her when she loses her temper back. Looks ike bullying to me.

[ProlificPenguin]

His behaviour is horrible, he is being a horrible big brother. He needs to know that he can't be nasty or violent to your DD, he needs discipline when bad and reward when good. Your DD needs to know that this shouldn't happen to her and to tell you if he is being mean.

He may well benefit from counselling but in short term you need to sit him down and give him what for, vocally and in front of your DP and DD. He has been rotten to your DD and he needs to understand that, make him feel rotten for doing it.

Tell your DP that you have considered leaving over this, this will make him sit up and take notice of his sons behaviour.

My older sister told me that I was adopted, my real parents were murderers and that one day they would be released and come back for me. Any unknown adult coming to the house terrified me until I told my Mum. (who was distraught about her DD's behaviour).

[TonytheFish]

The difference is, when I was rotten to my siblings, or they were rotten to me, when I got into trouble, and given "what for" in front of siblings, I had a bedrock of love and stability behind that.

If she sits him down, and goes at him, in front of the dd and dp, he has not got that knowledge behind him of love and acceptance!

No, what he is going to get, is an adult who is furious at him, does not accept him, hates the very sight of him scream at him in front of his family in what should also be his safe haven and home!

He is just going to fel more like some sort if interloper in family!

This situation needed sorting out months ago. And it needs to be handled right now, so both these children have a safe haven, a home they know is theirs and can feel safe and loved in. Neither children has that at the moment.

[AmysTiara]

No your step son's bhaviour doesnt appear normal but your daughter's reaction isnt normal either. I think the whole family would benefit from counselling

[wannaBe]

nobody has said the daughter doesn't deserve sympathy or that the ss's behaviour doesn't need addressing.

But actually it's the daughter's behaviour which is far more worrying than the dss' IMO. Such a strong reaction in a six year old is not normal, and the op should be seeking help for that first and foremost, whereas while not nice it's very easy to recognise the dss' behaviour as him lashing out against the situation he has been forced into.

I actually think that the dss' behaviour could be resolved with communication and some understanding. Because not all of what he has said has been nasty; he has stated that the op's dp (his dad) isn't dd's real dad. That is in fact true, and while perhaps a ten year old needs to be shown some diplomacy in delivering that message, (show me a diplomatic ten year old) it's not really wrong for him to state the truth. But the inappropriateness of the rest of it e.g. telling her her own dad doesn't love her and about the germs needs to be addressed and he needs to be told in no uncertain terms why it is unacceptable, but he does also need to be listened to in terms of why he felt the need to say those things in the first place. We cannot seek to modify behaviour unless we can get to the cause of it.

But an excessive reaction to these statements does need professional input IMO, and the op needs to at least recognise the possibility that her dd has some underlying issues which make her prone to these tendencies.

it's the dd's behaviour that is far more cause for concern. The ds is lashing out, and coupled with the fact he is a ten year old, who are not known for their tact or empathy (pre-teen anyone?) while the behaviour needs dealing with, it certainly isn't mental abuse or even in the realms of abnormal.

[SirChenjin]

Another excellent post Wannabe

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

At the risk of being called an idiot by OP, here is my opinion.

What your DSs is doing/saying is horrid, but no worse than many blood siblings.

Both DCs have had to readjust their expectations of being a big happy family. Of course they were excited about the prospect BEFORE it happened, but the reality of sharing a home, possessions, parents and attention is very different to how we all imagine it.

I had visions of a big happy blended family and for the first few weeks it was all parks and painting, baking and and board games, but now we end up with petty squabbles, jealousy and someone wanting to go home most weekends.

I understand that you don't want to upset your dd by asking her to stop calling your DP daddy, but the fact that it obviously upsets DSs to do so, you are prioritising DDs happiness over DSs.

I think you need to find a compromise, a pet name for your dd to use, not necessarily DP's actual name, but maybe papa or doodles or anything which can be used as her own name for him, because he isn't her dad.

This doesn't mean he isn't special to her or can't fulfil a fatherly role, but if your DCs can't get on with each other your relationship may well not survive, step DCs put such a huge strain on even the strongest marriage, so you have to be very careful here how that would play out. If you split up would DP have access visits from your dd as well as the new baby? Would he be paying maintenance etc? Does he see himself as her dad?

I think you need a family meeting about rules, expectations, a brief mention about germs so that DSs knows you won't accept him winding up your dd about that and your DP needs to be present and backing you up on all of it.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

It sounds like both children are struggling to me.

He is being agressive and it sounds to me like he is jealous of the attention his dad is paying your dd.

Your daughters behaviour would worry me more, i think the majority of dc who were told what dss told her would be worried or upset but would probably ask someone about it. Your dd has taken it to the extreme and is displaying ocd tendencies and is harming herself with excessive hand washing.

I think everyone here would benefit from some additional support

[LilllyLovesLife]

TBH I don't think the OP is going to listen to any constructive advice. She seems to have made up her mind that it's all the 10 year olds fault and doesn't want to hear any different.

OP, if you are willing to listen, then I know you can't change what's been done, and so I think you need to concentrate on what's happening now and in the future. The Main thing in any of this, is that all the children know they are loved and wanted. Yes your SS has had some negative behaviour, but all children do and the less loved and secure they feel, the more they will play up and lash out.

For what it's worth my career background is working with children with troubles, behaviour issues, social difficulties etc. I am not working at the moment but often the children I did work with, had been struck off by other adults who had done exactly what your first few posts suggested - giving up because he is "naughty". They usually turn out to be very confused, insecure little children who just need some extra support and TLC. One of the most valuable things you can do here is make as much effort as possible to bond together. Let him know that your not going anywhere, you are now a family and will stick together, because that's what families do. Go out and have fun together, read together, eat together and relax together. Maybe the children could take it in turns to choose something to do after school together as a family? Get him involved, let him help you cook dinner if he would enjoy it or let him choose a film to sit and watch together. All the small things help. They build up his confidence and his relationship with you and your daughter. Your daughter of course should get the same.

Please let us help and advise you. Nobody here is just trying to be horrible, people just get emotional when there are children involved.

[Ellajuliana]

I'm going to make a few points here.

1. of course I am worried about my daughter, I am terrified of what she is doing.
   
   
2. of course I am putting my Daughter before my stepson. I would assume most parents would?
   
   
3. I am aware we rushed into things but we ALWAYS had the bet intentions regarding our children.
   
   
4. my step son does have Mother issues and I feel these need addressing ASAP, I also have to put my daughters needs first, I hope people understand that.
   
   
5. We all as a family need counselling, otherwise I do not see us being a family for much longer and the long term effects this will have on all 3 children will be much worse.
   
   I do apologise for being defensive but I feel a lot of you just ambushed me with 'what were you thinking' ect
   
   We are loving parents and we are trying to do what's best but at the moment I am struggling to see things from a different perspective. I am trying, really I am

[ProlificPenguin]

I stick by what I said about the son getting a telling off for his behaviour, he needs boundaries and discipline. He needs to genuinely feel bad for how he behaved to prevent it from happening again and for him to develop a good conscience. I would do this in front of DD and DP, no point hiding this. Your DD deserves this.

[Ellajuliana]

I think a lot of people on here are saying what he is doing is ok because he's had a tough past, that's the bit I do not accept, I do not think this a valid excuse.

[colditz]

You both need parenting advice. Request a parenting course from the hv. Hth.

[colditz]

I don't put my biological children before my step children, and no, it's not normal to do so. Examine your own behaviour before criticising his.

[Ellajuliana]

We are great parents, and we do not need parenting classes,how dare you, we have never neglected, beaten, abused our children, I suppose every parent that is going through a tough time with their children needs parenting classes right?