My 10 yeah old Stepson is mentally abusing my 6 year old Daughter

[Ellajuliana]

This is my first post on any type of forum so please bear with me!

So here it goes.....me and my partner got together 2 years ago, he has a son and I have a Daughter, things moved every quickly, I got pregnant and now have a 6 month old son with my partner, we all live together and my Stepson goes to his Mums every weekend, as she used to drink and he is with his dad and me full time now (she hasn't drank for years) and that is not an excuse for what he is doing

From the very start my stepson has been horrendous to my Daughter, he started by hitting her at night time and telling her not to tell anyone, then he hit her in the face with a doll which resulted in my Daughter having a black eye, me and my partner punished him for this, well i did, my partner kind of shouted at him and forgot about it...now the big problem is this....a few weeks ago I noticed my daugher constantly washing her hands, to the point where they were sore, she is all of a sudden obsessed with makingher step dad sick etc, after me asking and asking her what it wrong she eventually told me that my step son told her that my partner isnt her real dad and he hasn't got the same germs as her and that if she touches him it will make him very sick.

My daughter knows she has a different biological dad up has called my partner Daddy for a while now.

I am beyond furious with my step son and just cannot forgive him for this, I can't even look at him let alone speak to him, I can't stand being around him at all and i am at breaking point.

I'd go as far to say I hate him at the moment, and I know that seems harsh but he has put MY own Daughter through hell since the beginning, I just need some much needed advice, I don't want to look after him anymore, I don't want him anywhere near my children either, if this carries on I fear I will have to leave and take my daughter out of this dangerous situation, I feel like a bad Mum already for keeping her in this situation for so long.

Thankyou for reading this

[fromparistoberlin73]

you need to get some help OP, I really mean this

for your family to thrive you need to really work on this issue and on treating the kids equally

for you to "hate" him really worries me to be honest

he is being a vile little boy, but he is TEN! he has lost him Mum, and he has a SM that HATES him

PLEASE.GET.SOME.HELP

[Ellajuliana]

She tries to do it at school, but not as much as at home I spoke to the school about it, but at school she doesnt need to worry about making her family sick as we are not there!

[Ellajuliana]

Maybe I should rephrase, I hate what he is doing, I don't hate him as a person, I hate that he has put my child through this. I also hate that he seems to be enjoying the fact that I am struggling with this

[Fontofnowt]

Ella when I was 6 I ate coal.
Tonnes of it.
Because my brothers told me it would make me black (funny fuckers) and I wanted to be black.

Sounds innocent banter and sibling mischief no?
Now imagine your dss doing the same thing.
You are attributing malice when it's mischief and jealousy by an unhappy lad who likely needs you.
Contact parent services in your area and see what help they can offer.

[LilllyLovesLife]

I agree with others on here. He needs support, as does your daughter and as do you. Instead of more punishment, how about just talking to him, explaining that she is younger and comments like that are damaging. And then maybe have some family bonding time together? I am assuming you don't get much of this if he is at his Mums every weekend? Could you do some stuff together after school? Or see if you can do one day out together one weekend when his Mum doesn't mind?

Children are nasty to each other, especially to siblings. My sisters were awful to me at times, we are now the best of friends.

I don't think you should of moved in together so fast, but that's done now. You need to work on coming together as one family before this gets worse. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards your step son, which I think you need to find a way of getting past.

I feel sorry for both children here. When you say he is hitting her AT NIGHT - I assume they have seperate bedrooms?

[NigellasDealer]

but what about what he has been 'put through'?
another child in his house and calling his dad 'daddy'? and then another one? a stepmother who discounts that he might have feelings?

[Ellajuliana]

They do have separate bedrooms now but at first they were sharing as we were re decorating his bedroom

[fromparistoberlin73]

op

I think you should hide thread as I dont sense you are listening to anyone TBH

you said earlier you think you need counselling. PLEASE get some

there is too much suffering right now. you, your DD and your SS

ONLY you are the adult, and only you can fix it

www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists

YOU NEED TO GET SOME HELP, you are the responsible adult, so something for everyones sake X

[Gingersstuff]

I agree with all the posters who say everyone in this scenario needs help of some sort, especially the poor wee lad. You said he was like this with your daughter from the very start. So why the hell didn't the two grown-ups in this situation sort that out before getting to this place? To have gotten together so quickly and added another child into the mix before sorting out the obvious problems first was the height of stupidity.
His behaviour is not good. Your daughter's behaviour needs attention. And so, very much so, does yours.

[Timetoask]

He is bullying your daughter. I don't care if other posters here have had siblings that have stabbed then, hurt them, bullied them, it should not be allowed.

This boy needs support in stopping this behaviour, he needs some psychological help. I hope you can have a frank discussion with your partner and explain to him that for the happiness of all involved some external help to help DS cope with all this trauma he´s had.

It doesn't matter that his mum and dad never lived together. He is a small boy who probably would prefer to have his parents together and for his mother to not have alcohol issues. He needs help.

[wannaBe]

but op you are failing to recognise your part in this. Why on earth did you and your dp need to move in together so soon? I'm assuming the pregnancy wasn't planned, but if it was then why?

What you need to remember is that children don't choose these situations, they are brought into them whether they want to be or not. And what you also need to remember is that there's a vast difference between having been an only child for four years (as in your dd's case) and eight years (as in your dss' case). He's been an only child and the centre of his dad's world for twice as long as your dd, and so of course the impact on him is going to be different.

I just don't understand why you had to rush into this relationship with no consideration for the children, and you can't have been considering the children in this if you needed to rush it so fast.

[SirChenjin]

No, it shouldn't be allowed - but it shouldn't be labelled 'mental abuse' either, with the finger pointed solely at a 10 year old boy who's not had the greatest childhood (to put it mildly). There are 3 adults who have managed to make a monumental mess of things, and now there are 2 children who are paying the price. Unless the OP and her blended family get outside help the situation won't improve sadly.

[Ellajuliana]

I agree we did rush I to things, but we had separate conversations with both children before we moved in and they were both very excited! As long as they had there own space they were happy, and no our baby son wasnt planned but I wouldn't change that for the world!

[blindworm]

I would assume that him telling her that her dad doesn't love her was a manifestation of his own concerns that his mum doesn't love him. He doesn't know how to express that for himself so he pins it on her.

[AliceinSlumberland]

Please do not underestimate the impact that having an alcoholic mother will have had on him. I have included a quote below which explains the effect this might have had. Having an alcoholic, neglectful parent in the early years can prevent children from developing the systems needed to deal with difficult emotions. In this case, the difficult emotions stem from the difficulties of getting used to a new family very quickly. You say that your daughter has been through the same thing, but you can't expect him to have the same reaction as he has not had a mother who is able to teach him how to cope with emotional distress. I'd assume your daughter has, although I'd be very concerned about her behaviour too.

Please, get him some counselling, and your daughter too.

'“Children require loving and empathic relationships in order to develop properly. The immature central nervous system needs caregivers who are willing to serve as protective shields against overwhelming arousal. The hallmark characteristic of all forms of child maltreatment is empathic failure (Weil, 1992). When exposure to abuse and neglect corrupts the family environment, children lose—or fail to develop—the ability to modulate their own level of emotional arousal and as a result they are forced to use whatever coping skills they happen to hit on that calms them down. Often those coping skills are self-destructive—drugs, alcohol, aggression, self-abuse—but these behaviors within the child or the adult’s control are preferable to the noxious experience of overwhelming distress. '

[NigellasDealer]

ella i think you are being a bit naive, just because you had one conversation with each of them before this llife-changing event and they did their best to be positive about it, doesn't mean that therefore any problems are so and so's fault. kids often say what they think adults want to hear after all.

[Ellajuliana]

Was more then one conversation, over a period of time, we lived separately until I was about 5 months pregnant, so they had time to adjust to the new home.

[NigellasDealer]

OK so why did you start this thread? anything that anyone says you seem to be sidelining, contradicting or denying.
tell you what phone ss and ask them to take him into care, that was what you wanted to hear wasn't it?

[SirChenjin]

It was very quick Ella - and children really don't have the emotional maturity or intelligence to comprehend the magnitude of these things, or process what exactly the impact will be on their lives. I presume it was presented to them in a really positive way, and they no doubt had a rose-tinted view of what it would be like to live together with Mummy and Daddy and new baby. Of course, once the initial excitement is over and reality sets in, problems which arise as a result of moving so fast are bound to occur - esp. when the earlier issues are factored in.

[Ellajuliana]

The people on typhus thread saying that is is 'normal' behaviour are just annoying me! And SS may get involved if they thought my daughter was in danger, my brother Is a social worker so I know how it works, we are not bad parents, and people saying we are do not know anything!

[ormirian]

OK then OP. You have no sympathy for him, you don't see any justification for his behaviour, clearly he is a very sick and wicked child. What is your plan? Make his dad beat him, get him taken into care, refuse to let your partner see his own son in your home?

FWIW I had a brother who was 6 years older than me and constantly 'mentally abused' me - he even tied me to a tree in the garden as a 'hostage' in a game with his friend and forgot about me for hours. He told me I stank, lied to my parents that I had wet myself, told me to run away from home because no-one wanted me. None of it was nice but none of it was seriously meant. DB was jealous of me. Don't you think that is the issue here? Especially if a large part of his time is spent in a home with a mother who, by your implication, isn't that caring a parent.

Just try to remember he is a child, not that much older than your DD. he isn't evil, just unhappy for his own reasons.

[firstchoice]

You could ALL do with some support, as a family and individually too possibly.
Go back to your GP and ask for help.
If GP is rubbish, ask for it elsewhere.

[ormirian]

I also think your DD's reaction to this is extreme. Perhaps neither child is coping as well as you hoped.

[wannaBe]

My ds asked me after the second time he met my bf whether I thought we would get married one day. Do you think that was the green light for us to go out and buy an engagement ring and start planning the big day?

The thing is that when children are introduced to a new partner it's often a bit of a honeymoon period for them as they get to know them, especially as the new partner is probably trying hard to get to know the dc as well so it can all be very nice at first.

But there's a vast difference between seeing someone on weekends/the occasional overnight stay and having that person move into your house and suddenly take on the role of co parent and potentially even disciplinarian, and suddenly the honeymoon is over. It's far preferable to allow both parties to actually get to know each other, both the good and the bad (because nobody's perfect) before even considering the possibility of living together. Because if you move in during the honeymoon period of the child/stepparent relationship, by the time any issues start to show it's too late and you've already started too blend your family.

And children want to please their parents. If they believe it's what their parent wants then they will go along with that to make them happy. We like to think they'd be honest with us at all times but believe me they're not.

[SoonToBeSix]

Poor little boy .