Birthday party problem. My son wants to exclude ONE boy

[ThentherewereNone]

I have name-changed as the situation is quite recognizable if the other mum in question is posting here. (Which I doubt)

My son is in Y4. He has many friends in class and gets along with most children. He had a close friend during Y3. They did not start out very well, the boy was new in school at the beginning of Y3, and ds told me he was naughty. Like put his hands my sons plate and ate his food. My son begged to sit in a different place during lunch, as this boy would come up to him and take his food. Similarly at a birthday party, he grabbed my sons burger and ate it, and then started helping himself to his chips. But they made up, and made friends, and were often going to each-others houses for tea.

Then it was my sons last birthday party, and we had a birthday tea at home after going to an event. It was a struggle. The boy was very disruptive. All the boys went to my sons room, and he had started throwing fun snaps in the ceiling, and my son told him to stop. He got angry, pushed my son, and ran out of the house. Son came to find me, and my husband had to start chasing after him. The ceiling still has black marks from the fun snaps, we will have to repaint, but cant until next time we go away for an extended period due to sons asthma. Son has told me this boy spent most of the party being mean to him.

Things are not great in school either. Son still struggles with him. He is mooning my son, he shows him the finger, grabs my sons bottom, pinches his stationary, etc. My son is very easy going, and he does not take it to heart, and he does not feel bullied. He just puts it down to the boy being naughty and badly behaved and it is nothing really to do with him.

The boy is quite inappropriate in the way he talks, like he was talking about how he imagined his younger brother in bed with his teacher. {!!!)

But, the problem now is that my son does not want him at his birthday party. He said "mum, I dont know what to do, I dont want "Paul" at my party, he is going to ruin it like he did last year. But I dont want to leave out some of the other boys, because they are my friends and they dont deserve being left out. He continued, if Paul is not invited, I am sure he wont realize he is the only one, he will think others are left out too, as nobody really leave out only one?" My son is quite perceptive. He has nailed the problem. But we have no solution. We need to work it out quickly as invitations needs to go out in the next week or so.

Is there anything we can do, any type of party we can do, where this boys behaviour will not have such fundamental impact?

I would limit the invite to 3 of his best friends. Then Paul does not have to be invited or feel left out and you can take your son and his mates somewhere special and perhaps spend a bit more as there are less of them.
I have done that before for exactly the same reason. Good luck;-)

I was going to say no, don't exclude one child but reading your post I would be tempted to agree.
As gualsa suggested can you limit numbers and do something like cinema and food after?

Last year he had a really small party, and they went to a very expensive event. The boy was mocking my son for his choice and called him girly and childish. He also gave the "party bag" to his little brother, saying he did not want it because it was "for babies" My son was really upset by this.

But what my son wants to do this year is very different, and he wants all the boys (bar one) and some of the girls that he knows will love such a thing, but it is a team event, so they need to be at least 5 on each team... Not dissimilar to paint-balling/laser tag.

The other thing is, after he had such a small party, he has not been invited to more than two parties this year, so he wants a bigger party.

This boy has not ever invited my son to his parties.

I reckon that in this case it might work quite well to invite everyone apart from Paul.

If Paul assumes that others weren't invited then there's not a problem.

If Paul discovers that he is the only one that has been left out, then it sounds like your ds is mature enough to have a line up his sleeve to say 'I've only invited my friends' or 'I didn't think you would want to come after the way that you treat me/ complained about my last party/etc'- I'm sure somebody on here can come up with something great for him to say.

He's given Paul lots of chances and effectively been kicked in the teeth for his trouble most of the time. Let him invite his real friends and have a fab time with them.

I'd also be speaking to the teacher about the way Paul treats your ds - he might not want to label it as such, but it definitely sounds like he is being bullied by Paul.

Ds does not feel bullied because he is not the only child on the receiving end. Today Paul ended up in the Heads offing for showing a girl his middle finger and putting it in his mouth. The other day for trying to strangle another boy. I have mentioned it to his teacher so she knows. But ds is usually surrounded by other boys that he plays with, and ds is strong, tall and fast so not an obvious target for physical stuff.

I suppose he could always tell Paul that he only invited children whose parties he has attended himself.

Mooning, bum grabbing and sexual conversation topics sound like red flags to me - I wonder if this little boy has something going on in his life. I'd definitely alert the teacher if you haven't already, for your son's sake but also so they can keep an eye out for 'Paul'.

Regardless, I think it is perfectly reasonable not to invite Paul under these circumstances, and no need for your DS or any of his friends to miss out IMO

Oh cross posted - he sounds like a very troubled boy

And as an aside, has Paul actually had parties to which DS was not invited?

OK, if you are inviting some girls as well, I think you can not invite one boy. This is different from inviting all the boys except one.

"Paul" obviously has issues. If you did feel you needed to ever invite "Paul" for whatever reason, I think you also need to ask one of his parents to stay with him.

Yes, Paul has had two parties that ds has not attended.

I do agree he sounds troubled. I did mention his conversation topic to the teacher along with the bum grabbing and the mooning. One family has taken their child out of school and moved him elsewhere, due to Pauls behaviour to him.

I know, this sounds worse and worse.

But it is a well respected and resourceful local family, with good standing in the Church.

If it is majority of boys and some girls, it is not boys only, and it is not the entire class, so could perhaps get away with it.

But it is a well respected and resourceful local family, with good standing in the Church.

sardonic lol. Do you mean this means it is unlikely he has problems at home or just that allegations are unlikely to be followed up properly, or they will be more protected somehow?

Anyway that's by the by.

Was your DS invited to the two parties?

I think in this instance it is maybe ok not to invite him. I feel sorry for Paul but it's not your sons job to have his birthday ruined for the sake of not inviting someone who will spoil the party.

Do you mean this means it is unlikely he has problems at home

• Not at all Professing to a religion is no guarantee of any moral fiber.

or just that allegations are unlikely to be followed up properly, or they will be more protected somehow?

• More this.

Is there any chance he was stealing food because he was really hungry?

I had not thought of that. In school they usually allow two helpings of both dinner and pudding. There is also extra bread.

But last time he was at ours he brought a big lunch that his nanny had prepared for us to take to a picnic.

Given all you have said it is definitely fine not to ask Paul.

I agree. Exclude "Paul", and in fact, if he asks about it, TELL him why. Or tell his parents why. It's possible that he is one of these children whose parents think he can do no wrong; it is equally possible that they may have little idea what he can be like outside the home so it would be in his best interests for them to discover the truth!

If you're not happy with the scenario as it stands (excluding only "Paul"), I would maybe consider talking to the class teacher and seeing if they have any useful opinion to offer - especially given the inappropriate language and behaviour he displays.

He does sound very 'troubled' but your son should not have his party ruined because of him.

You'd be fine to exclude Paul.

I would not exclude just one child although i can understand the desire to.

I would report this to relevant authorities - nspca?? - or similar

His behavior is too provocative and I would really be worried that all this naughtiness is a big fat scream for help

I wouldn't invite the boy. Birthday parties are for your friends, not the class bully, and there is no way I'd ruin my son's birthday just to be 'inclusive' - this isn't school, you're not the state, do what suits your family, not him and his.

If need be, you can always get DS to say that you (his mum) doesn't want him invited to the party this year because of his bad behaviour last year (and the fact that you still have to repair the damage he's done). That way you take the flak - although your son sounds brave enough to carry it on his shoulders if he wants to.

I would normally be horrified at the idea of excluding one child but as he already spoils one of your son's parties I don't think you have a choice, especially as this child's behaviour has continued after. Why should your son have a smaller party than he normally would so as to avoid offending this child?

I'm sure I'm not alone in telling my children that if they don't treat people kindly then people won't want to play with them. I'd try to keep the invitation giving low key and not rub it in this child's face but if he did get wind of it then it might open his eyes to the consequences of his actions.

It would only be a real problem if it were a whole class party and one person wasn't invited. As it isn't, then it isn't.

I'm really not one for exclusion, and I'm really not one to make kids feel bad, but it sounds like "Paul" could do with a little exclusion and upset so that he/his parents start to cotton on about how his behaviour isn't acceptable.
There's no need to make anything out of not inviting him yourself. Your DS doesn't want him there, he doesn't get an invite, job done.

I wouldn't invite him and I wouldn't have a minute's qualms.