Birthday party problem. My son wants to exclude ONE boy

[ThentherewereNone]

I have name-changed as the situation is quite recognizable if the other mum in question is posting here. (Which I doubt)

My son is in Y4. He has many friends in class and gets along with most children. He had a close friend during Y3. They did not start out very well, the boy was new in school at the beginning of Y3, and ds told me he was naughty. Like put his hands my sons plate and ate his food. My son begged to sit in a different place during lunch, as this boy would come up to him and take his food. Similarly at a birthday party, he grabbed my sons burger and ate it, and then started helping himself to his chips. But they made up, and made friends, and were often going to each-others houses for tea.

Then it was my sons last birthday party, and we had a birthday tea at home after going to an event. It was a struggle. The boy was very disruptive. All the boys went to my sons room, and he had started throwing fun snaps in the ceiling, and my son told him to stop. He got angry, pushed my son, and ran out of the house. Son came to find me, and my husband had to start chasing after him. The ceiling still has black marks from the fun snaps, we will have to repaint, but cant until next time we go away for an extended period due to sons asthma. Son has told me this boy spent most of the party being mean to him.

Things are not great in school either. Son still struggles with him. He is mooning my son, he shows him the finger, grabs my sons bottom, pinches his stationary, etc. My son is very easy going, and he does not take it to heart, and he does not feel bullied. He just puts it down to the boy being naughty and badly behaved and it is nothing really to do with him.

The boy is quite inappropriate in the way he talks, like he was talking about how he imagined his younger brother in bed with his teacher. {!!!)

But, the problem now is that my son does not want him at his birthday party. He said "mum, I dont know what to do, I dont want "Paul" at my party, he is going to ruin it like he did last year. But I dont want to leave out some of the other boys, because they are my friends and they dont deserve being left out. He continued, if Paul is not invited, I am sure he wont realize he is the only one, he will think others are left out too, as nobody really leave out only one?" My son is quite perceptive. He has nailed the problem. But we have no solution. We need to work it out quickly as invitations needs to go out in the next week or so.

Is there anything we can do, any type of party we can do, where this boys behaviour will not have such fundamental impact?

I/DS (then in Reception) excluded a boy from his party last year - it wasn't a whole class party but we invited all the boys except this one, and some girls. This boy in the month running up to the invitations going out had been targeting my son - physically, even biting him on a couple of occasions. It was confirmed that each time it was entirely unprovoked by DS and he didn't retaliate. School sorted it each time and then managed to stop the incidents but there was no way I was welcoming a child who had targeted and hurt my DS into my home. And I wasn't going to exclude others DS wanted there just to make this child feel less bad. DS has a better relationship with this boy this year and there have been no further incidents: if he wants him at his party this year, we'll let him.

Nobody said anything, don't know if he ever knew. If anybody had said something to me I would have said exactly why he was excluded. As the exclusion of Paul is because of his poor behaviour then you have absolutely no reason to feel bad about it.

Paul does sound very troubled. All you can do is relay your concerns to school so that they have some extra bits of the picture.

Just be careful that the kids don't start discussing the party in front of Paul and he assumes he's coming. I think you're right though, I wouldn't want him coming and a little exclusion might make him think on a bit.

I wouldn't invite him. Birthday parties are not the time to attempt to be pc, to the extent of forcing the birthday child to have the day/event ruined by their bully. Why would you?