Do you think certain things can make a child look loved?

[mummyloveslucy]

I was chatting to my nan, after recently learning to knit, and she said that hand knitted things make a baby or child look loved. I could see her point, that someone had taken the time to make it etc. My mum said that hand made anything will make a child looked loved. That and vests, good shoes and being wrapped up warm in the winter.
I was chatting to my friend about it and she looked at me as if I'd lost my marbles! She just said that you can't tell how much a child is loved by these things. I'm not so sure. Do you think certain things can make a child look loved? and if so, what? I'm not talking about how parents interact with them etc. This is if you were to see the child on their own? Is there something in this or is my family just barking mad??

Ds1 has a pair of slip on plimsoll type shoes with skulls on. He loves them, they are falling apart but he will not wear anything else apart from school shoes to school and won't let us throw them away and won't choose any others and won't wear any of the other shoes we buy for him. They look so tatty but he is loved just has issues which mean he likes what he likes and you can't change his mind. Likewise dd doesn't feel the cold and often comes out of school wearing just her tshirt! She would wear sandals in winter if you let her!
Sometimes you have to pick your battles

I don't tend to judge parents on the clothes their kids wear. Unless it's a freezing cold day and a child is wearing a flimsy jacket or something like that, then I feel sorry for them.

On the expensive clothing, it's not a sahm v working parent issue. My best friend is a sahm and dresses her DDs in very expensive clothing, all the time. Even as small babies they weren't in babygros, she had them dressed all the time. Then again her hubby earns a very large salary so they can afford it.

I work fulltime (evenings) and dress DS according to what he's doing. If we're in the park or out on a scooter he's in tracksuit and trainers, no point destroying his good clothes! I brush his hair after a chase around the house to do it (he hates it with a passion) and I'm fastidious about getting him proper shoes.

He's very much loved and he knows it, he's full of hugs and kisses for us and his grandparents and cousins.

I think it's absolute bollocks. How a child is dressed is not in any way an indicator of love, bar the extreme examples mentioned up thread in context of child protection.

As someone else said, you can tell if a child is loved by its demeanor, by how happy that child is to be with it's family etc. For the first time last week ds went spontaneously to his nursery key worker for a cuddle while I was still there and my heart just squeezed up I was so happy to see this physical proof that he is given wonderful care at nursery.

What a child wears, or whether it's ironed, or if all his food is prepared from scratch or his walls painted by hand are just specific demonstrations of your love, they aren't necessary to prove love.

I worry about my 5 year old who refuses vests. I think the teachers might feel she's neglected!

But the classrooms are so hot! She hates them.

My ds is very loved, adored in fact but Shoesmacking you would probably judge me as being uncaring. I never hug him, I don't kiss him, he wears the same clothes all the time and for much of his life he never wore a coat, hat or gloves (He's worn the same coat for the last three years the first one he has ever worn)
But he has autism, he can't cope with being touched, he has multiple pairs of the same trousers, many tops in the same style different colours and fleeces that he wears until they fall apart but he is loved.
I know I was judged when his behaviour was appalling and it hurt but to think that anyone would think he wasn't or isn't loved breaks my heart tbh because I parent him in a way that meets his needs first and foremost even when it means I have to physically stop myself from showing him affection.

Ive seen any number of children immaculately turned out but they dont look particularly loved when their parents are buried in their iPhones ignoring them.

Isn't it the interaction with the parents/carers rather than the mini-Boden outfits that's telling?

[...] after recently learning to knit, and she said that hand knitted things make a baby or child look loved. I could see her point, that someone had taken the time to make it etc. My mum said that hand made anything will make a child looked loved. That and vests, good shoes and being wrapped up warm in the winter.

I'm afraid I disagree OP. I find knitting, sewing and ironing very dull and don't enjoy these activities at all.

However, I spend time properly playing with dc, reading lots and lots of stories to them, we bake and cook together. I am very cuddly and affirming, try to be respectful of them as people in their ow right, even as babies / toddlers, whilst also setting clear boundaries (well.... I try). I take my time teaching them skills etc. etc.

My dc don't always look well turned out, no chance. Hair is messy, sometimes even sticky, clothes washed out, faces a bit mucky, definitely NO ironed clothes (hell no). I do make sure they wear comfortable clothes that don't restrict movement (no skirts or dresses for a crawling baby in my house) and wear weather appropriate gear.

Don't most people love their kids? A parent who is perhaps 'cold' and controlling might still make them look 'proper'.

In my book, appearance is not indicative of how much the dc are loved and cared for. People have different priorities.

Also Op, please define love and explain how love can be quantified. I'm not sure it can.

You might even argue that if spend lots of time working on the dc's appearance it leaves you less time doing fun activities with them........ I don't think that's true but want to emphasise that wearing a knitted jumper does not make a child look loved IMO.

When I see a child wearing something home knitted I usually assume that an elderly relative has made it rather than the parent. Also they sell lots of lovely hand knitted stuff in most charity shops, so someone might have bought it anyway.

Sorry, another thought..........

Op, is it important for you that you children appear loved to others? If yes, why?

Insanity, i would put your child into. Different category and would not judge you at all. Sorry if it sounded like I would. My point is that clothes etc are largely meaningless. Perhaps my hugging example should be that the child is getting the care and love it needs, not what the world necessarily sees. In most cases, that's an outwardly happy appearance (barring tantrums, bad days rtc ) but obviously not in all.

I think a few of you are confusing the time taken to hand make something and whether a child is in George or Gap.

When DD1 was born a lot of aunties offered to hand knit something and I loved all the jackets and bootees. I think they do have a look of care and love about them but maybe it should be described as 'a thoughtful clothing choice'
Also hand knitted things are time consuming to make and to wash and dry. If you want to spend all that time on a garment when you could go to a shop and buy one off the peg you are putting a lot of effort into one garment. A lot of effort when not needed could equate to love in some peoples eyes.

Give OP a break, I don't think OP feels a jumper can instantly transform a child from unloved to loved or that it is a marker. If she is like me then she feels they just look nice and she can appreciate the hours that have gone into making the jumper.

And another thought brought on by insanity's post : broadly speaking I tend to assume that most children are loved. One thing I've learnt as a parent is that what is visible to others probably doesn't reflect reality. So I no longer assume people are bad parents because their children are badly behaved in public or don't eat/sleep. And when I see a parent on the phone while the child is eating it's pizza I assume that the parent is probably just needing a break and enjoying a quiet moment . And even when I think the parent should step in I remind myself that I know nothing of the situation and the parent might just have learnt that some things aren't worth fighting over. Similarly, the odd "bad" parenting moment doesn't mean a child is unloved. Why should we have to prove our love to the rest of the world? Only the child needs to feel it.

Why do you care if they look loved? (Who to?) as long as they are loved and they know it then their cardigan doesnt matter a jot.

I actually thought the op's original question was quite sweet and I understood where it was coming from. Those little family traditions, perceptions and interpretations that kind of get passed down.

I will always remember the first time my dniece stopped at ours overnight without dsis. The thing that struck me was that my sister lives the most chaotic life, she's scatty and often unprepared, yet she had thought to pack dniece absolutely everything she might conceivably need, from calpol and baby bath cream to her favourite teddy. She was only staying for one night! It brought tears to my eyes and I turned and said to dh: "She's a good mum and she loves her so much." It was before I had ds so I had no idea what love for your own child is. But to me it was everything there I her little pink trunki.

It's all people making assumptions.Absolute bollox.Most parents dress their children appropriately-whether its a hand knitted cardigan, hand me downs or designer clothes.Surely all that matters is that they are comfortable and happy in what they are wearing.I can't actually believe people would say a child in a hand knitted cardigan is more loved.My gran knits them for every child in the town because she likes to knit!I see children in dds nursery dressed in matching designer clothes that end up covered in paint and dirt.They look lovely but what's the point.I have a friend who is obsessed with her little boy wearing the latest designer clothes to the point that he doesn't like to get dirty and doesn't play out much .I have other friends who let their kids dress themselves and their kids are so happy and carefree.Somedays dd is dressed nicely-other days my sister describes her as looking like ' nobody's child'.None of us love our kids any less!

Matana, that is lovely.

I might go an pop a knitted jumper on my son shut in his bedroom as he's currently throwing a massive tantrum after being told not to empty the cutlery drawer for the 5th time today, he's not looking very loved at the moment!

I think I know where the OP is coming from. Her dd has learning difficulties and I suspect she feels judged just like I feel judged. Maybe her dd doesn't read as well as her peers ( smug parents tend to think it's because the child's parents don't listen to them at home), ds used to behave appallingly (smug parents thought I was hopeless), ds couldn't talk (smug parents believed it was because I didn't spend time trying to engage him). Any "deficit" if there isn't a visible cause tends to be attributed to some sort of lack of parenting tbh. Maybe OP is just looking for a visible sign to show those that judge that her dd is very much loved just like my ds is (although now many years down the line I couldn't give a toss what others think and now he looks disabled they stop judging mostly)

I've been thinking about this a lot since I first read this thread. One thing that does occur to me is that whole none of these things are necessary for love to be present, they are nonetheless an expression of love from the parent/family member/friend. It's the language of love thing I guess. I love to prepare food ds loves as a treat, but that's more about me showing my love than about it being necessary for him to be loved.

Fwiw- my ds2 (4) would opt to be naked permanently given the choice. At home i let him- he gets the same cuddles naked or dressed. Outside if the house i am just glad his shoes match!

Thanks insanity- you're right in a way. Having a child with Sen's does put you as parents under the spotlight some what, as you know. You do tend to feel as if you're being judged constantly.

I was very neatly dressed as a child, never a hair out of place. Plenty of hand knitted jumpers and even home-sewn dresses. But my mother was physically and emotionally abusive and she used dress as another method of control and terrorising - I knew that if my hair got messy during PE for example, I'd be beaten for having a scruffy ponytail. But my appearance was part of how she always convinced the world that she was the perfect mother; teachers etc would never believe anything could be wrong at home as I was well-presented.

So, no, I don't particularly see a child's dress or appearance as a sign of being well-loved. Happiness and confidence would say to me that a child is secure and loved.

knitting for your child surely only reveals that you love knitting- not that you love the child

I work long hours and can't be there for many school events. Knowing that my kids go to school in an ironed uniform with brushed hair is my way of telling the world that these children are loved, even if their mother appears to be invisible.

My kids are always beautifully dressed, it matters to me, the same as me being well dressed matters to me. I don't think they look more loved but they definitely look like their mother has pride in them and cares about all the little things. To me that does translate to meeting their emotional needs and all the little things that make them happy too, it's not one or the other. I can't believe a friend who's child always has chapped cheeks in winter when all she needs to do it put vaseline on them before he goes out, I think the chapped cheeks, snotty nose and dirty coat do make the little fella look a but unloved yes, especially when the mum is there in her sodding boden with highlights and warm boots.