Do you think certain things can make a child look loved?

[mummyloveslucy]

I was chatting to my nan, after recently learning to knit, and she said that hand knitted things make a baby or child look loved. I could see her point, that someone had taken the time to make it etc. My mum said that hand made anything will make a child looked loved. That and vests, good shoes and being wrapped up warm in the winter.
I was chatting to my friend about it and she looked at me as if I'd lost my marbles! She just said that you can't tell how much a child is loved by these things. I'm not so sure. Do you think certain things can make a child look loved? and if so, what? I'm not talking about how parents interact with them etc. This is if you were to see the child on their own? Is there something in this or is my family just barking mad??

No! Def not. Just bc someone hand makes something for their child doesnt not mean they look or are more loved. Someone who takes the time to be with that child, be there for them, attend important class meetings, take them to baby activities etc show they love the child in my opinion. I do not really have the time to knit cloths with a daughter who is almost two and a 3 month old baby...but I sure do make the time to take them to the park, take my daughter for swimming even if im tired....read her ten books before bed etc and i make the time to take my son to his baby swim spa sessions even if he woke me 5 times in the night and i rather just sleep!

But I guess people show love in different ways. I remember once this awful lady..okay not really awful..but RUDE lady told me bc I did not wear my hair up...I did not looked loved!! When I was younger, I did not want my mom fixing my hair! It made me uncomfortable when some lady said that. I sure do love my daughter and try to fix her hair...but she just wont have it. Every time I try to pull it back so its not in her face...she yanks out whatever clip or tie I put it in.

I do think this is a generational thing; it's the kind of thing my granny says - well usually its a 'joking' oh child you look like no one loves you because said child has messy hair etc. External appearances have always been excessively important to my granny and she has said some horrible things to me over the years, but it's at an unthinking level just a reflex believe about how the world is.
Please don't pick at the OP , she's reporting what a relative says and think not her own perceptions.

I tied DD2's (3) hair up this morning and she looked very smart. Of course by the time we left the house she'd pulled out the tie and looked like Cousin It's scruffier sister.

I think hand knits are great. And in reply to the suggestion that it only proves you love knitting I can assure you this is not true. I love knitting. I hate sewing the bits together and sorting out the threads. --Don't get me started on buttons . Any finished hand knit emerging from my house is a labour of love.

I don't think you can 'see' if a child is loved. The problem is you can't see when they aren't and it's causing issues either.

To me not necessarily more loved but a child turned out well looks like there is an organised home . My DH is a ex miltary man so neat and tidy is the way of our house.
Clean shoes, ironed clothes, sewn name tapes , brushed or braided hair are the norm at my sons school.
Usually its the down to the nanny ( or nannies ) .

This will sound weird but on the nights that I put DS to bed with a grubby face. It means we have spent all day out and about. Playing and having fun. we might have gone to a friends for evening out and DS has played and played and played his heart out with friends and then fallen asleep in the car home. Those days are when I feel like our family are at it's best, ever one is safe and happy, seeing things and meeting people, learning new things.

A smile on the DC's face, and happy chatter show a child is loved. You can 'look' the part materially and still not be loved (enough)...

I'm mixed. We can't currently afford the fat face/weird fish type clothes that I think look fab on my daughter. Its how I'd like to dress her but we can't afford to.

Sainsburys clothes aren't the same but are ok and do the job.

However I don't agree about the smartly ironed/immaculate presentation thing. Is rather a child was encouraged to run and play and climb treescand crawl on logs and do cartwheels... all of which mess up hair and clothes. Already at a young age you hear "but I don't want to get it dirty."

I think the OP was actually rather sweet. :) I know what you mean. My MIL knitted all the grandchildren hats that look like owls and I love them. DD's is bright pink and purple and looks so cute on her. I get a lot of comments on it. Likewise she crocheted all the children blankets before they were born and DD's is just gorgeous, white with pink roses and ribbons. These things are precious to me because MIL is a very reserved, dry sort...but she adores the GC and that is how she shows it.

As far as the whole "looking loved" thing, I have to say I take a lot of pains with my two. DD is a baby yet, but DS is in school (no uniform) and I always try to make sure he is absolutely tidy before he leaves the house...neat nails and clothes and hair. He gets terribly chapped hands and face in the winter so I try to deal with that, and order his winter gear for the next year every spring so it can be nice and new and matching. I like his tae kwon do uniform to be absolutely white, his basketball and soccer kits to be clean and neat and a good brand.

DD wears a lot of babygros, comfy sweatpants, etc, but if we are going anywhere or people are coming over I make sure to "get her dressed" in something nice.

I bathe them both every night and DH rolls his eyes at me because I like them to wear pajamas that match (as in coordinating top and bottom, not that DS and DD wear PJs that match each other, I'm not that far gone :D) whereas he doesn't care if DS wears orange plaid PJ bottoms with a red striped top.

I get them outfits for every holiday (for instance have a new red dress for DD for Valentine's day and this shirt for DS) to wear to deliver Valentine's cookies to the retirement community MIL works at.

As you may gave guessed from all this, my mother did none of those things. She (I realize now) was very depressed for much of my childhood. I never had nice clothes. I smelled. My hair was either dirty or washed but sticking up everywhere and I was teased. I wasn't terribly neglected like you hear about, and I was fairly happy, but it definitely left its mark.

I know on the grand scheme of things mismatched PJs are not the end of the world, but when my kids look untidy ( beyond normal "I've just been playing" dirt) it makes me feel like they're going to go through what I did, and be teased, and feel like no one cares.

I don't judge others by this standard though- O have a friend with 5 boys, all homeschooled, who live on a farm. They always look slightly bedraggled but no less loved.

I agree that our experiences as children can affect how we parent ourselves. I wore lots of home made clothes as a child (not knits though) and have never even thought about doing the same for my children. Partly because I'm not particularly handy, but also because I would have much rather have had clothes bought in a shop like everyone else I knew.

My parents were not in any way short of money, just thrifty and my mum enjoyed sewing. She made some very nice dresses for my dd to wear when she was a little girl, but I'm very glad she has stopped because teenage dd would probably refuse to wear them (not an option for me at that age).

I'm pretty relaxed about what my children wear, so long as they are comfy. I do sometimes wonder if people think that ds is a bit neglected because he has a tendency to wear loads of layers of pretty scruff stuff, but he hates shopping and has quite distinctive ideas as to what he wants to wear so I tend to leave him to it.

Does it help that I'm pretty scruffy too?

So according to your Nan & mum, because I couldn't hand make them clothes, because they wore so few handmade clothes, my girls didn't look loved?

My dd used to come on her sister school drop off in her PJs. In all weather. She refused to change & it was a battle I refused to fight.

I don't care if my children LOOK loved or not, that they feel loved is my main aim.

Oh & I wore lots of hand made stuff (my nan was fab with some fabric & a sewing machine), I was always well turned out.

I wasn't loved. At all.

Appearances are all that counted to my mum.

I would have traded that for love any day!

When I was at school all my friends seem to have hand knitted cardigans , hats, gloves etc and I always felt envious as no-one ever knitted something for just for me!( until MiL came along and made me a lovely cardigan!).
My mother was teased a lot at school (post war) for having home made clothes etc and think she didn't want the same to happen to us.

If I see a clean looking child they would love more loved to me than a child that looks in need of a good wash. I don't just mean the bit of dirt from playing. I'm talking visibly dirty, hair needs a good wash, clothes dirty etc.
even when my mum had no money she always made sure we were clean and well presented. It's kind of stuck some how.

Wait till you have an almost 7 yr old who:
-refuses a coat in a torrent of rain, -refuses a warm hat in icy temps,
-only wants to wear the ripped trainers from 2yrs ago (when he has 3 other respectable pairs)
-Refuses to eat packed lunch

But who is dearly loved!

Devonfolk yes exactly. It's the demeanour of the child not their clothes or grooming as such- they could be amazingly turned out but you can just feel it when things are not quite right.

The things I loved wearing most as a kid were dresses my granny made for me as I was able to choose the fabric and pattern etc and was involved in making them. looking back on it those did make me feel loved I think.

lBut being loved and 'looking loved' are obvs not the same thing- I wore those granny made dresses for a long time after they were outgrown and permanently stained all down the front because I loved them.

I don't think so but do see your point

The amount of times I see a small child/ baby ( under a year) sitting in a pram in winter in trouser and regular top, with huge gap between socks and screaming. Whilst adult with has fur coat/ hat/ scarf/ gloves. I'm afraid I do think put a frikkin coat/ blanket/ footmuff or something on them and they might not be so unhappy!
I do understand that warmth doesn't equal happy baby but at 0 degrees surely most would think a non walking child would be getting frozen

My nan and mum didn't mean that a child without handmade things looks un-loved!! That's just silly.
I think we all think the same, that putting the child first as in comfy, appropriate clothes rather than high fashion not fit for purpose. (Weather these come from Boden or a charity shop is irrelevant!)Sensible well fitting shoes rather than high heeled fashion shoes. Dare I say it...a lack of ear rings in young children, as this demonstrates putting a child through unnecessary pain just for appearance.
A child covered in mud after a fun day out, to me looks very loved indeed!
I agree you can't tell just by looking, and the vast majority of children are loved beyond belief, even if you can't tell by their appearance.

I get it OP. My Nan was like that too. There was an attitude of pride in how healthy, happy and warmly dressed the little ones were.

I made a very good friend as we bonded at playgroup over our babies rather dated looking handknits! Nostalgia for the grannies of our youth I guess.

I always felt as a child absolutely surrounded by love and care, that the adults were focussed on our well-being, while also not being too prescriptive about what we did - so lots of playing out and being allowed to get dirty later on as we got to the roaming age.

I don't know if it's about loved as much as cared for. Lots of scruffy people/kids are well-loved. I also find that (generally) the best turned out kids (including my own I hope!) are the ones with working mothers. And I think it is indeed a bit of over-compensation. My DH thinks I obsess over it, but I do feel a sense of judgement (or potential judgement) that I work FT and that my DC are in childcare during the week. I will get up early to make sure that their clothes are clean and ironed and often go shopping at 9/10pm after work to make sure they have all the bits of kit they need. I have a hairbrush and wipes by door and can't stand it if they go out with unbrushed hair or snotty noses in grubby clothes. They (and DH) of course don't give a monkeys! I just think people would judge, in our context, if they did. Normally I don't care much for what people think but when it comes to the DC, for some reason, I do.

Also, I had a friend who became an alcoholic over the time I knew her (when I just had a young baby) and the effect on her house and children was shocking, from a visual point of view (as well as mental). People made comments constantly about the state of the children. It really put the wind up me and I think I vowed that that would be the last thing I would let go of in the event of a nervous breakdown - keeping the kids looking well-cared for.

I don't care if they 'look' loved or not. I have no interest in what strangers think of my parenting.

Fair enough....

That came across as a bit abrupt. But it is true!

I know what you mean, John
From some posts or seems a kind of "keeping up appearances" thing, worrying about what other people think rather than what disturbs the child.

I know in some of the posh areas near us its far more "in" to have children in scruffy clothea as it shows they're outdoorsy!