Do you think certain things can make a child look loved?

[mummyloveslucy]

I was chatting to my nan, after recently learning to knit, and she said that hand knitted things make a baby or child look loved. I could see her point, that someone had taken the time to make it etc. My mum said that hand made anything will make a child looked loved. That and vests, good shoes and being wrapped up warm in the winter.
I was chatting to my friend about it and she looked at me as if I'd lost my marbles! She just said that you can't tell how much a child is loved by these things. I'm not so sure. Do you think certain things can make a child look loved? and if so, what? I'm not talking about how parents interact with them etc. This is if you were to see the child on their own? Is there something in this or is my family just barking mad??

[deakymom]

im pretty sure my daughter looks neglected she came home from school and i said dear god whats with the hair? the wind mom! she has so many hair clips/bands/things! is 13 and uses none of them!!

[gourd]

Moominmammashandbag - that is so true in Italy! We got old ladies clutching at our 7.5 month old's bare feet (in early May) and saying "Oh freddo!" a lot! They were all wearing fur coats of course whilst we had our shorts on - well, it was 20 degrees C....

[gourd]

The only thing that makes them look loved to me is a happy and confident child who is happy in themselves and has good social skills. In terms of clothes, what utter tosh. I do know that very dirty (ingrained dirt) and tatty clothes dont make the look very looked after, but you never know if those clothes were passed through very many other children or not so I wouldnt like to just assume that the child is poorly cared for just because their clothes look battered and dirty. I do think though that you can usually tell by the behaviour of the child, eye contact etc, even of those with serious health probelms, whether or not they feel loved.

[differentnameforthis]

My dd1 kept on all the stuff I put her in. Tights, gloves, hat, blankets etc.

My dd2 screamed blue murder when I put tights on her. Didn't stop til I took them off. Would make every effort to remove any gloves. hats, blankets I put on her too.

None of this was for want of trying!!

She hates anything tight even now. Won't wear tights, leggings, fitted jeans. Very much a loose & baggy girl. She also hates certain fabrics, I have to cut the labels out of her clothes etc etc.

But I guess parents whose children keep their clothes on won't make allowances for that!

[Forago]

Mine use their blazers as handy goalposts

[wordfactory]

TBH prep school blazers barely get worn enough to get mucky.

IME the kids arrive in them and hang them up. They pop them on for assemblies or concerts or whatever.

They certainly don't wear them when eating or when playing etc.

[Dromedary]

Well, I think that formal school uniforms (espec dry clean only blazers, also ties) on tiny tots are ridiculous, and are there to make the parents feel posh rather than anything more sensible. The state primaries have got it right on clothes - v cheap and practical, easy for the children to take on and off by themselves.

[MissMilbanke]

''Probably better cared for than the child who is told that they must on no account mess up the private school blazer they are forced to wear age 4.''

Ouch Dromedary sounds a bit judgey to me ???

[MoominMammasHandbag]

Ah yes, we went wandering around Florence on a blisteringly hot day. Baby DD was lolling in her buggy, under the sunshade in a very fetching lilac linen outfit. We got massive of positive attention from the child loving Italians.
Unfortunately she then threw up over herself, and, as it was such a hot day, we stripped her down to her nappy while we walked back to the hotel.
I am sure we were within a hair's breadth of being arrested for child neglect. People were stopping us in the street and berating us. As we lacked sufficient Italian to explain ourselves it was actually quite disturbing.

[Dromedary]

People are judgemental about how a child is dressed, and whether their hair has been brushed recently or not. This is even worse on the continent. I was there with a toddler in a buggy during a heat wave. She was constantly taking her socks off and throwing them on the ground. I was told off about her lack of socks several times by passers-by. People are far too ready to judge IMO. A lively child will look a bit scruffy by the time they finish school for the day - mine always came home with paint, tomato sauce etc on their school tops, and with messed up hair. Didn't mean a thing. Probably better cared for than the child who is told that they must on no account mess up the private school blazer they are forced to wear age 4.

[matana]

Ds has blond, very fine and slightly too long hair which often looks a little like candyfloss, especially after he's slept fitfully on it. Even when it's brushed it looks slightly unkempt, but very cute and original - a lot like him. He is going through a phase of only wanting to wear tracksuit bottoms and his much loved but much worn fleece jacket. He has a little dry skin around his mouth as he suffers from eczema in cold weather which he's inherited from dh. He refuses point blank to tolerate cream on his face - I have to try to sneak it on as he sleeps!

He has a zest for life beyond any comparison. He throws himself into activities like there is no tomorrow. He laughs, talks and smiles pretty much non stop. He throws his arms freely and willingly around family members' necks and declares "I LOVE YOU!" He's sociable, curious, caring and absolutely beautiful. When I pick him out of the bath and wrap him up snug and warm in a towel, he snuggles me and I tell him I love him to the moon and back. It's clear to everyone he comes into contact with every day how very much he is loved and how his every need is attended to... despite him looking like a little street urchin on occasions

[mummyloveslucy]

Exactly BrunoBrooks! That's what I'm getting at.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Doesn't matter if it's old, greyed with washing etc.

And with older children you know full well that lack of coats, wild hair etc might be in spite of parental effort!

But I always feel a bit sad when I see tiny babies dressed with what seems a lack of thought for their comfort. I like seeing them in tights as well as trousers in the cold (babies never keep their socks on) and hate seeing tiny babies in hard uncomfy looking jeans, tight waistbands, frilly bits rubbing against faces etc. Soft, fluffy, gentle clothes make babies look as if their carer isn't thinking how they'll look, but whether they'll be comfy.

[wordfactory]

I don't think you can see that a child is loved and cared for.

I have represented a hell of a lot of DC going through the care system and they didn't have a particular look.

Lots of them were clean, well fed, well dressed yadda yadda.

[tattybogle]

And mucky urchins should start off clean in the morning.

mummyloveslucy, being well-cared for is for the child and family though, isn't it, not for the neighbours? It's like sharing a good book or a well-cooked family meal. I loved as a child the clean sheets and new pyjamas after bathtime feeling; a feeling only matched now as an adult if I go to a pleasant hotel!

[WowserBowser]

I totally get your point. It's of course irrelevant what they wear really. And doesn't prove anything. my Ds is 3 and not yet talking. He's also not potty trained. He is being assesed for SEN etc.

Sometimes i worry that people may judge me for being a bad mum because of theses things. I know i shouldnt care and it really isn't my fault but i always dress him in shirts and hand knitted jumpers and hope in some way it compensates.

That sounds ridiculous now I've written it

[Bonsoir]

[tattybogle]

Mummy loves lucy: My winter coat is essentially a duvet with arms!

[mummyloveslucy]

I agree Bonsoir.

[ouryve]

I joke on to the boys when I've dragged a brush through their hair that I'm making it look like somebody loves them.

The least loved looking small child I've ever met had filthy, matted, infested hair, a dirty and sore looking face, and wore a stinking, stained hand knitted cardigan. Much as I love hand knits (I'm a knitter, when my hands are cooperating) the hand knit, in this case, did nothing to allay the appearance of horrible neglect.

[MoominMammasHandbag]

For me it's about making sure they are comfortable: good sturdy shoes to run around in, neatly clipped non catching nails, hair out of their eyes, decent waterproof gloves, that sort of thing.
When DD2 was in year 6, there was a tall, well developed girl who so desperately needed a bra; she must've been a c cup at least, wearing a skimpy, too small polo shirt. Her parents were well dressed bohemian types. I don't think I was the only mum who thought they were being completely neglectful.

[mummyloveslucy]

I think I care far too much. I can't help it! I'm sure every one cares what other think to a certain extent, if not, we'd all be walking around naked in the summer, and with PJ's and duvets around us in the winter.

[Bonsoir]

Children who are clean, clearly properly fed, with sparkling teeth, glossy hair and short nails and bounce around wearing freshly laundered clothes, and who generally smile and look happy - that's a well-cared for child in my book.

[GoodnessIsThatTheTime]

That said I do make sure my daughter is presentable for school so she isnt judged!!

Ithink the ear ring content is just class-ist. I really don't like the look and won't allow it until much older. But it's common in some areas around me and of course their children are loved. M/C or not looking "common" as my nan would say does not at all equate to how loved a child is/looks.

[tattybogle]

Good point JohnFarley I don't bother about other people's opinions either and my Nan was very uninterested in impressing anyone else. It was just ingrained behaviour.

I quite like the mucky urchin look, in an older kid especially! The only thing that I really notice (and dislike) in other parents is harshness, - I have a neighbour who is very no-nonsense when the children hurt themselves (works in a hospital) and she grates my carrot! I d love to say "give the kid a cuddle and a bit of sympathy, you are not raising a Spartan."