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Original poster

Do you think certain things can make a child look loved?

125 replies

mummyloveslucy · 10/02/2014 12:03

I was chatting to my nan, after recently learning to knit, and she said that hand knitted things make a baby or child look loved. I could see her point, that someone had taken the time to make it etc. My mum said that hand made anything will make a child looked loved. That and vests, good shoes and being wrapped up warm in the winter.
I was chatting to my friend about it and she looked at me as if I'd lost my marbles! She just said that you can't tell how much a child is loved by these things. Hmm I'm not so sure. Do you think certain things can make a child look loved? and if so, what? I'm not talking about how parents interact with them etc. This is if you were to see the child on their own? Is there something in this or is my family just barking mad?? Grin

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Wishihadabs · 10/02/2014 12:44

"I think it's a nice thought-nothing to do with reality" sorry this is just not true. I work in child protection and we are taught to put enormous weight on whether children look clean, whether their clothes are appropriate to the climatic conditions and fit them properly.As well as their interaction with their parents.

Some of you might like to believe it doesn't matter, you need to talk to adults who didn't have warm coats or trousers that fitted as children then see if you still think the dcs don't notice or care.

MothratheMighty · 10/02/2014 12:49

'we are taught to put enormous weight on whether children look clean'

Can I qualify that before you lot start panicikng about spilled youghurt on jumpers and squashed banana in the hair?
That's not what you look for.
It's the smell of a body unwashed for weeks, the soreness and scabby skin, the hair that is stuck together with its own grease, the clothing in layers that comes off as one unit for PE, the embedded grime of a month.
Neglect, rather than 'He was clean this morning, now look at the state of him'

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 10/02/2014 12:51

Thanks Wishihadadabs.

As I've said before it's nothing to do with designer or expensive clothes! There are enough charity shops out there. It's being kept warm, comfortable and clean for me. If not clean all the time, then cleaned regularly.

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recall · 10/02/2014 12:53

Appropriate shoes in wet/ winter
Good fitting clothes
Warm clothes
Clean face
Brushed hair

One of the richest families at our school take their kids to school with no coats and in shorts when it is icy cold - I just don't understand it. I notice that the parents usually wear expensive looking warm coats and boots. The children have huge holes in their shoes about 2 inches long. I'm not judging them regarding their love for their children, but I do think they are being selfish by not ensuring that they are warm.

SonorousBip · 10/02/2014 12:53

This is something for me, and not meant as a comment on others, but I always used to feel that doing my dd's hair in the mornings showed her I cared. I have a friend who was brought up mostly in care and she said that she always had her hair cut short as it was easier to look after and she always wanted a mum who would brush her hair and do "hairstyles" with her. I WOTH FT but I always used to have a little part of my morning routine where dd and I would be brushing her hair in the downstairs toilet and talking through the day's hair options.

She is older now and has a bob which just needs a quick brush through, although I am getting quite nifty with the hair straighteners on a sunday evening!

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 10/02/2014 13:00

That is lovely SonorousBip. My DD hates having her hair brushed, so I have to catch her first, then just do something quick and simple. Maybe one day she'll let me do some nice styles...

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MissMilbanke · 10/02/2014 13:02

Err … I still think its a nice thought, we are talking about hand made knitted clothes here not appropriate clothing !

knitting takes up a enormous amount of time and effort, and money, and it could be said that the effort put in by the knitter demonstrates an act of love. I can understand what the OPs Nan means and I agree with her.

But reality is very different, not everybody can or wishes to knit. Infact its often cheaper to buy rather than make clothes these days. Its impossible to guess whether children are loved or not from what they wear.

You'd have a shock if you saw my son today going to school, dressed in shorts (as always) and fridays grubby jumper and shirt because we were away for the weekend !

MothratheMighty · 10/02/2014 13:06

Yes, I'm sure I'm just bitter because I was not given a choice when I wanted one. Grin

bakingaddict · 10/02/2014 13:07

If a child's face lights up when they see their parents and the child has a happy carefree nature befitting their age then I probably assume they are loved

I don't judge on hand-knitted clothes or designer clothes or even the odd unwashed face

MothratheMighty · 10/02/2014 13:08

I can't knit, but I painted things because we had no money.
Murals on the wall, furniture with decorations that my children asked for, that sort of thing.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 10/02/2014 13:08

I agree that knitting or anything hand made shows an act of love. I do believe that appropriate clothing also makes them looked loved. Maybe loved isn't the right term, cared for might be a better one?

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Wishihadabs · 10/02/2014 13:09

Yes of course everyone knows children start off clean and get covered in muck in the course of a day, by clean I mean washed not immaculate at 4:30pm.

neversleepagain · 10/02/2014 13:09

MIL knitted two lovely blankets for our twins. We were in a supermarket and a woman in her 70's looked lovingly at the babies and the blankets and replied "you can see how loved these babies are, look at their beautiful blankets."

DT's are 16 month now, one is walking the other is not so only one has shoes. DT1 wears socks and during our shopping trip in Sainsbury's she pulled both her socks off and threw them on the floor, I didn't see this. By the time we got back to the car her feet were freezing and blue and I was getting a lot of odd looks.

I love them. Both of them.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 10/02/2014 13:15

People do judge though - there was a thread a couple of years ago about children not wearing vests, no matter how many times it was repeated that some children just don't feel the cold or need to wear a vest many posters were equating it with outright neglect.

MothratheMighty · 10/02/2014 13:15

'Yes of course everyone knows children start off clean and get covered in muck in the course of a day, by clean I mean washed not immaculate at 4:30pm.'

Are you new here?
Many posters have no experience of what real deprivation looks like, thank God, and some are very wary of SS.
So you post something as non-specific as looking out for children who are dirty as a warning flag, and you will worry a number of lovely people who think that you are talking about regular grime. Then panic that they will be swooped on because their child is wearing yesterday's yoghurty sweatshirt.

BohdiSaurus · 10/02/2014 13:26

I'm not a sahm but I make an effort on my child's appearance. Clean face, clean clothes, dressed for appropriate weather. In my opinion this is the minimum parents should be doing.
So I suppose I do look at grubby, unclean children and think someone should care more.....
But I sometimes feel a mean mum who doesn't like flashing shoes and logo / cartoon clothes.
And I do admire parents who let there children dress themselves...children are happy...but I can't bring myself to do it.....Sad

BabysNewName · 10/02/2014 13:29

DD has loads of designer clothes. Folk keep commenting on them.

I got a big black bag full of second hand ones for £15 from a facebook selling page Grin I had no idea they were designer, just that they were the right size.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 10/02/2014 13:31

I dread to think what my DD would wear if she was allowed the choice! Luckily, she isn't at all interested in clothes and as long as it's comfy, warm and doesn't itch, she'll wear it. I have to cut out all tags and labels though.

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sydlexic · 10/02/2014 13:38

Yesterday's dirt, dirty nail, unwashed hair. Out in the rain with no coat.

Wishihadabs · 10/02/2014 13:41

No I am not new neither do I work for Ss. I am fairly recently working in child protection though, so maybe I should have been more specific. However I did say clean which to me means washed. Rather than "tidy" or "neat",

GwendolineMaryLacey · 10/02/2014 14:14

I agree about the hair to an extent. Probably because I can be often heard in the morning exclaiming, "good lord dd1, come here so I can do your hair, it looks like nobody looks after you!"

Don't know where I got that from.

LittleBearPad · 10/02/2014 14:19

If I knitted DD anything she'd look like Oliver Twist. This is not where my talents lie!

I also don't iron.

I'm fairly sure DD looks well loved.

headinhands · 10/02/2014 14:22

If the clothes are suitable for the weather, fit properly and aren't filthy then it means the child's clothing needs are being met. I wouldn't assume a child dressed in Next was loved anymore than a child dressed in George. I would assume the former had either more disposable income or were more concerned with labels.

I think by and large we all love our children very very much. And we all do the best we can with the tools we have. The out working of that can look very different.

headinhands · 10/02/2014 14:28

"Evidence of a child being loved is in their eyes and nature"

Sadly many children have issues/disorders that make their day to day life a challenge filled with difficult feelings regardless of how much love is showered on them. I wince a bit for such families when I read 'just world' sentiments like this. It must be so lonely to know that other people probably assume your child just isn't getting enough love Hmm

5madthings · 10/02/2014 14:31

i dont think it shows love but people do judge on appearance.

i was always careful to make sure ds1 was well dressed as i was already judged for being a young mum...

tbh i am picky about the clothes my kids wear. not designer labels but they do wear boden and fatface and gap. i get stuff in sales and second hand and with four boys i can hand stuff down. dd has lots of clothes but at just three is getting stroppy about what she will wear and we get some intetesting combinations!

tbh i thought people would be judging me re ds3 at tge moment as his school trousers are ancle swingers and his jumper looks too small, they were new at xmas holidays! and i will buy more at half term, but the boy grows like a weed!

also ds4 leaves our house with coat, hat, gloves etc... by the time we get to school he will have stripped down to his trousers and t-shirt, even if its freezing. we have half an hour walk over a field and he runs on ahead.

then i have ds2 who is quite into skinny jeans and converse and a 'style' and ds1 who doesnt gibe a dam and i wonder ifhe is colour blind as he has no clue what 'goes'and would wear combat style trousers with a check shirt... they are 14 and 11. they both look smart in their school uniform and blazers but ds2 will be covered in mud by hometime.

oh and nails...and ears, clean them everydah and they can be filthy by bedtime!

my dp works in a childrens home though and his seen real neglect..