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Parenting

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Original poster

Leaving your baby to cry whilst you do things.

49 replies

alice93 · 05/02/2014 12:01

Do you leave your baby to cry in his bed whilst you do things like shower or the washing up? My 5 week old DS will only sleep in my arms or out on a walk. I am quite often spending the day on the sofa with him until DP comes home to save me as I can't bear to let my LO cry whilst I do something else.
Any tips?

OP posts:

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LiberalLibertine · 05/02/2014 12:02

A sling? mine was a life saver got getting on with stuff. Had to wait for dp to get in to shower though.

Rooners · 05/02/2014 12:12

I think I'm the same as you except no dp so had to wait for ds1 to be home so I could get washed etc.

Trying times!

It does get better

I think you're doing a good thing trying to minimise the crying. Slings can be helpful but the most important thing is to drop your standards a bit and lower expectations.

Is your dp ok with it the way you are managing? Because it won't be forever and if he isn't getting at you for not doing more housework etc, then I'd make the most of it

If he is that's another thread!

ChippingInWadesIn · 05/02/2014 12:15

I would take the baby to see a cranial osteopath that specialises in babies :)

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TheNightIsDark · 05/02/2014 12:20

Do you have a swinging chair? Bloody lifesaver for me.

Original poster

alice93 · 05/02/2014 12:21

The sling my DM got me doesn't fit - I'm feeling too bad to tell her about it! & DP doesn't believe its necessary to buy another one (we don't have much money) as we have a very good and expensive pram.

He understands I can't do everything, so we set tasks each day - today mine is to do the washing up. Other days it's things like cooking. But only one thing a day - so I feel bad that I can't even manage one thing. He also gives up his day if I'm really struggling - but I need to do this myself.

OP posts:

NickyEds · 05/02/2014 12:26

I agree with TheNightIsDark. Have you tried a chair- you most likely have so have you tried a different chair? I know it sounds a bit odd but the first chair we bought didn't really give DS enough support and he hated it. Replaced it with a Fisher Price Calming Vibrations one and he loved it. It was a revelation when I could shower

alemci · 05/02/2014 12:32

My view may be outmoded but I think you could leave the baby to cry some of the time. If they are fed, comfy and changed then sometimes they do it to seek attention.

It is up to you but I think sometimes you make a rod for your own back. I found the baby car seats helpful or a bouncing cradle so they could see you. You do have to get things done. I had 3 under 4 so that was the way it had to be at times.

I gave up on the sling and only used it a couple of times for going out.

ShooCat · 05/02/2014 12:44

I would not feel guilty about leaving the baby to cry for short periods. It's just life, unfortunately. If you had other dcs there would be no choice in the matter. Sometimes the baby will have to wait for attention just like everyone else in the household.

toomuchtooold · 05/02/2014 12:49

At 5 weeks they do pretty much either cry or sleep don't they? Sometimes I left mine to cry (twins) - it was unavoidable sometimes. But I had a baby carrier for the two of them and could do quite a lot of things like that, the washing up, have a bit of breakfast (I have a picture of the two of them sleeping on my lap in the carrier with croissant flakes on their heads. Bad mum). Bouncy chair was good for a wee while too, or the baby gym.
Is he napping well? If he's cranky, it might be because he's overtired. Of course, it might also be because he's 5 weeks old. By the time he hits 3 months he'll be a bit better and by 4 months a different baby, I bet you. This rubbish bit doesn't last that long.

Original poster

alice93 · 05/02/2014 12:56

He can bare the chair for a bit, but not long, it's like he gets bored in it. I did however just put him in his bed with the mobile playing whilst I had a very quick shower - he only started crying when I was drying myself. I feel like I achieved something :) - if only I could now do the washing up!

What about food? I've just been skipping food - a bit of chocolate and a drink is what I've been having as cooking just seems to take up too much time and hands!

OP posts:

notso · 05/02/2014 12:58

Try a wrap sling you can get them on ebay for under £10 delivered.

I used to think swings were a waste of money until I hate colicky Velcro DS2, he would go like a zombie in it and I could get on a bit.

I have 4 DC and sometimes the older ones need to get to school on time had to come before the baby's need to be picked up.

I worked hard to get mine to nap in the pram or Moses basket, I would sit with my had on their tummy lot's of shushing and patting etc. I encouraged them to have a muslin or toy as a comforter, by rubbing it on their cheek as they were feeding and always putting it on my shoulder as I cuddled them.
I know lots of people don't like them but I found them so helpful at getting them to sleep in a cot or pram and also to help them settle with other people.

Original poster

alice93 · 05/02/2014 12:59

Sleeping wise - he sleeps throughout the night (waking every two hours for food - I bf him lying in bed), and then he has a 9-11 nap and a 2-5 nap, and then 'bedtime' is 10/11.

OP posts:

batteryhen · 05/02/2014 12:59

I used to take the bouncy chair into the bathroom or kitchen. If your little one can see and hear you, it might calm him a bit x

Original poster

alice93 · 05/02/2014 13:01

Notso - I love the idea of introducing a comforter that way - I shall try it! thanks :)

OP posts:

AngryPrincess · 05/02/2014 13:01

My dd was quite on the bouncy chair. Could take it to the washroom and she'd be very happy. Sometimes she's happy in the baby gym, but not for too long.

MrsOakenshield · 05/02/2014 13:02

is there a sling library near you - you can try out different slings so that when you buy you know if it's a good one for you. I think your DH is being a bit unreasonable - slings can be lifesavers for so many mothers with velcro babies. I don't think that leaving the baby to cry for short periods is that bad - if you had twins or an older child it would happen anyway - but for want of spending a few quid? As you say, if your not even getting some lunch inside you then that's not good, especially if you are bfing.

curlew · 05/02/2014 13:04

"My view may be outmoded but I think you could leave the baby to cry some of the time. If they are fed, comfy and changed then sometimes they do it to seek attention."

Bloody hell- a baby wanting attention! How very dare they.

OP- if you want to wash up because you really want to, and i's making you unhappy that it's not done, then putting him in his baby seat where he can see you and doing it, even if he whinges about it it is fine. If you want to do it because you think you must, then turn your back on it, with for your DP to come home, throw the baby at him and do it then. One of the advantages of this technique is that after holding a baby all day, doing the washing up unencumbered feels like the biggest treat ever!

alemci · 05/02/2014 13:10

indeed Curlew

xfilefan · 05/02/2014 13:11

I wanted to say that I totally disagree with the idea above that they are doing it for attention and that being with them is making a rod for your back-thats madness -at 5 weeks old whats wrong with wanting mummy cuddles!

Mine is now 4 months old and I never left him to cry and he is so confident and happy with it and perfectly happy for me to leave him to do things -I see it as the opposite as if they never need to cry for attention then how would they learn that crying gets them attention-I think you are doing exactly the right thing OP and dont worry it wont last forever and you should just go with it and cherish the time together and the closeness. I managed by having speed showers/food or whatever and used to let him sit up in a pillow arrangement in the washing basket as didnt have a chair and as long as he could see me he was happy for a short time?

AnythingNotEverything · 05/02/2014 13:15

It's completely normal to spend all day on the sofa with a 5 week old baby, particularly if breastfeeding. Even at 15 weeks I might only hang out a basket of washing and successfully eat lunch some days! Step one is to have very low standards. You can't be super house proud with a small baby. That way madness lies.

Can you tell the difference between baby shouting and baby crying? This was key for me. They make a variety of noises and not all of them require mum or dad.

At 5 weeks DD started to enjoy her baby gym so I could leave her under that accidentally kicking things for a few minutes.

I think it's helps to be rational rather than emotional about it, and I know this is tough. If you know baby is fed and clean, and it's not the "come running" cry, then baby will be fine for a few minutes. Imagine you had 2 or three kids, or twins?!

LiberalLibertine · 05/02/2014 13:24

You are going to have to sort your eating out love. As someone said especially if bf.

If money's to tight to get a load of ready meals in, make more of your evening meal and plate it up to just zap in microwave the next day. Honestly, is important you keep your capture intake up!

drbartlet · 05/02/2014 13:28

i spent the first 12 weeks of dd's life sitting on the sofa holding her. i decided i couldn't leave her to cry so i just had to accept that i hardly ever showered or got dressed. didn't do any housework until dh was home. once i accepted that i wouldn't get anything done except hold my baby, i really enjoyed it.
as for food - every morning dh would make me a big packed lunch and put it in the fridge so i had something easy and nutritious available. and any friends who visited were asked to bring ready-to-eat food with them (i got very hungry whilst bfing).
i'd also advise you to re-think the sling - dd was too small for our sling until she was about 12 weeks but as soon as she could go in it i found my freedom again! i know money can be tight with a new baby but if it works, it could be the best 40quid you could spend.

alemci · 05/02/2014 13:31

xfilefan I think it depends on you. I liked to get things done and tbh found it frustrating when I couldn't. I also had dh who would criticise and ask what I had done all day. I didn't have much space either so it was important to keep on top of things.

my first dd was really good and it seemed to be ok but 2nd dd born 19 months later was more tricky and it sometimes isn't fair on older dc they have needs to.

I don't think it is the end of the world if baby isn't picked up all the time and you need to look after yourself.

notso · 05/02/2014 15:52

alice93 word of warning! be sure to choose something you have two of. For my second I used a gorgeous French bunny, it was lovely and soft, DS1 loved it, he is 9 and still has it on his bed. However we only had that one so it was a nightmare if it needed washing or we couldn't find it

FlyAwayToMalibu · 05/02/2014 16:01

With dc1 I wouldn't let her cry for a second- I would even go to the toilet before dh left for work and wait until he came home to go again .

With dc2 - haha no way could I do that. He unfortunately gets left to cry while I cook, tebd to potty training dd, washing, cleaning etc. Obviously I hold him as much as I can but there's not the same holding til dh comes home at all.

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