My Concern over a little boy, suspected neglect.

[mookymim]

Hi Please could you give me some advice over a growing concern I have for a little boy in our neighbourhood.I'll give you a bit of the history.
I met this little boy and his mum at a toddler class she was introduced via a friend although my friend doesn't really know her that well. His mum is a vegan and has had an eating disorder in the past, her little boy who is now 3 has been kept on a strict vegan diet all his life. He is very sleight for his age and looks pale. The issue here isn't a vegan diet I'm just not sure he's getting enough food and nutrients as I have witnessed him eating food from the floor and stealing leftovers from other childrens plates. Here are some of the things that have caused me concern over the past year.

never being allowed to eat the party food at childrens parties, being told 'no' and being forced as the other children enjoy the cakes etc

eating food from the floor

Not having mealtime routines or bedtime boundaries.

He goes to bed with his parents sleeps in their bed and is allowed to stay up while they watch inappropriate programmes.

My friend saw him a few weeks ago she said he looked awful as his curly hair had been' hacked off' apparently the mother had attempted to cut his hair herself but it was all patchy, short bits, shaved bits etc...

He has many allergies and food intollerances.

My little boy took an unusual dislike to him and seemed unnerved by him,9they were 2 at the time)

More recently they called round my friends house and who made her daughter and the little boy a sandwich, he ate it and then started to eat her daughters leftovers, my friend asked if he would like another sandwich the little boy said yes because he was hungry at this point his mother said 'no dont give him another he's had enough' despite the little boy saying that he was hungry.

His mum is very defensive and quick to anger, she is aggressive and I imagine a lot of people would shy away from being forthright with her. There is a Dad present but I have witnessed him being very much 'put in his place' and to be honest he seems a bit ground down.

I have voiced my concerns to my friend and her partner and they also said they were concerned but didnt think it was as serious as abuse. They have witnessed affection and love coming from the mother in question and my friend said he had been spoilt at Christmas with lots of toys.
When the Pelker case first came to light this little boy came to my mind straight away especially when hearing how the mother had duped the nursery staff by claiming he was on a 'special diet'

I dont want to jump to conclusions or stir up trouble but I have an awful feeling in my gut. Perhaps it's not conscious abuse but more the results of a mother with mental health issues regarding food and her own body. She's imposing her own food issues onto her son, abuse by proxy? I just cant stop thinking about this little boy. I get the feeling that people think I'm being over protective and I'm also aware that I no longer see this boy or his mother so must of my information is second hand.
I'd be most grateful if anyone could advise me on what to do as regards this situation. thank you.

A child taking food is a cause for concern. Call social services and leave it with them. Any inflammation like this is part of a bigger picture.

Information not inflammation!

totally agree, notwithstanding anything else a child scavenging for food is a concern.
I would definitely call social services

Call social services. No child should be eating off the floor or stealing food because they are hungry.

You can also ring the NSPCC. I do voluntary work in child protection, looking at your post, there are quite a lot of concerns. Your call will be treated seriously and your anonymity protected. Good luck

Calling social services would be the right course of action here- and well done for noticing.

Check your local council's website, they will have a number to call to report child protection concerns.

I agree with the other posters. You need to call social services. There sound like there are a number of red flags to me.

Thank you for the advice it has confirmed my hunch that I'm not being over reactive in this matter. I will have to ask my friend for details however as I have no idea where this woman lives, or surname.

Thanks .

Obviously your right to have some concerns but please be very careful that your friend doesn't land u in it for reporting. U mention the little boy has food allergies could this be why he's not aloud to eat party food? Also if he has tummy trouble is it possible he gets bad wind or sick if he eats too much in one go? As the mother of a child that eats for England but is losing weight please do not report her for ur concerns over his weight alone there could well be a medical issue like his allergies causing him to b pale and skinny. I'm pale and skinny and so r my children we all eat a healthy varied diet it's just genetics. Mum could've cut his hair as she didn't want to/can't afford a hair dresser or perhaps little boy doesn't like having his hair cut? Iv had to learn to cut ds1s hair for that reason he will let me do it and no one else. I'm not saying don't report as obv u could b right and she's limiting his food intake for her own reasons but please be very sure before u do good luck and hope little boy is ok x

Just to clarify I know the eating off the floor is obv a red flag but u mentioned allergies so could b that the poor mite just wants to eat what his little friends r as doesn't understand y he can't and y mum isn't letting him eat the same

mummytoboysandgirl3, I totally understand what you're saying here with regards the allergy thing, this is why I havent really done anything about it, I'm tryingto establish a clear picture. I guess I'm not totally convinced by the allergy diagnosis as they seem to change regularly, also his mum has lots of allergies which I cant help but wonder are part of her eating disorders. I understand that children have genuine allergies but in this case I'm unsure. In the Pelker case his mother told 'special dietry requirements' was used as a way to prevent her son from getting more food and to explain his appearance.
Thanks for the warning though I am trying to keep a clear head.

The thing is, this is potentially quite a complex case and needs expert analysis to ascertain if the child has food allergies or is being neglected- or both.

You as a concerned member of the public do not have the skills to do this- which is why you must report it to those who are experts in child neglect. They need to assess the situation.

You don't have to make your mind up that he is being neglected in order to report. The concerns you've expressed are grounds enough.

Good luck.

When you say "eating from the floor" what do you mean? Dropped food? Or his plate on the floor?

Your main concerns other than that appear to be that his Mother is Vegan, she gave him a bad haircut and he sleeps in her bed! Going on that you'd probably be reporting my DH and I! DH is vegan, my youngest co sleeps and I've given my DC a bad haircut more than once.

Asking for a 2nd sandwich...I'm afraid I'd possibly say no as well...she may have not wanted him to eat that much ...perhaps it was his own meal soon?

Also is he underweight visibly?

Tethersens's advice is the right course of action OP. Ignore people who try to explain away the issues you mention. Yes there may be nothing to worry about but this is a boy stealing food. Let the professionals decide if it is of concern or not. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Act on it.

I disagree Lagoon the OP seems to have more bias than genuine concern. Because the Mother is Vegan mainly!

My children have had friends with food allergies but parents have always sent alternative food for play dates or at parties so their child isn't left unfed. Just because he's potentially allergic to certain foods doesn't mean he has to be hungry!
I agree OP, I'd be concerned too.

AwfulMaureen, SS won't take any action if that is the case.

I'd rather a vegan adult felt persecuted than a child continued to be neglected- ergo, it's better to report concerns and be wrong than not report them and be wrong.

not entirely convinced.

It's difficult to tell from the OP whether there is enough for genuine concern or not, but then the OP isn't in a position to make a judgement really either. If it's enough to make your worry for the child though, then I would talk to the HV or NSPCC maybe.

Luckily, you don't have to be 'entirely convinced' to report concerns about the welfare of a child.

No...and neither do you have to give much of a shit about the ramifications if the parents are completely innocent of wrong but are then under the radar of a system which isn't renowned for it's good treatment of anyone who does not fit into their idea of acceptable ideologies.

AwfulMaureen being vegan and co-sleeping and cutting our own children's hair are all normal things, but OP has got a bad feeling about this, and I can understand why.

If he really does have food allergies/intolerances then SS have the expertise and the right to speak to doctors to confirm this. If on the other hand the mother is projecting an unhealthy relationship with food onto her her child as a result of her own problems, SS are in a better position to help than anyone else.

It's hard to say when the OP hasn't been back to clarify things.

The OP doesn't need to clarify or convince us of anything - she's worried, she should be taking some advice from professionals.