are there times-now you're a mother-you look at your own mother and wonder how the hell she could do it?

[cutekids]

I never had a particularly great relationship with my mum although as we both get older we've learned to agree to disagree. sometimes when i think back, though, on things she did i wonder if she ever really loved me like i love my own kids. or was it just another generation thing?

I know exactly what you mean! I have my own ds (now 3) and there are things that I think back on and honestly can't understand why she behaved as she did.
We never had a particularly great relationship (though that's not how she describes us-you'd think we were best friends) and now I find it harder to forgive some of the stuff.

Oh God, I feel a rant coming on

Yes. Then I look at HER mother, and their relationship, and understand exactly how...

Yes it's funny isn't it RR, especially when she treats your kids completely differently! She critises the way we shout at our kids (not all the time by the way!) and how we shouldn't let the kids hear us....I can remember sobbing at the top of the stairs listening to my Mum giving my Dad a tongue-lashing and him disappearing to the pub. I used to be terrified he wouldn't come back. He always did though...Thank God! Have always had a brilliant relationship with my Dad.

When i'm having a rant at my kids though, I like to think that they know that's how far I go. When my mum was on one I could never be sure how it was going to end. She didn't think twice about giving me a hiding. Mind you, that could be a generational thing I suppose.Although, I find it very hard to discipline my littlies without feeling choked....and I very,very rarely smack them.

agree cutekids. My Mum had a go at me the other day because I was shouting at her in front of my children (we were on the phone unusual situation. I knew I should have done it but when I think of the times she shouted and screamed at me or my siblings and Dad.....
I think that the memory goes very quickly.

Now I'm the other way around, I have no idea how my mum could have stayed as calm as she has all these years, my Dad was always the disciplinarian (though not undeservedly so) and she was always calm, I can't really remember my mum shouting...ever. She says she did when we were little... Maybe it's a good thing that children can't really remember much too young...

Yes

And how she sticks up for my ds and I wonder why she could never do that for when I was frowing up
I seriously hate her sometimes for how she was.
WE get on ok now though

i look at my mum and wondered why she didnt cope with just me . she was a single mother but she left when i was 14. i have 3 kids and it just makes my mums job look easier and i get more angry at why she was the way she was with me . ob other reason i suppose but having 3 is hard having 1 is easier .
oh i know what i mean.

Yes. All the time.

Sad isn't it.
I thought we were getting along better shortly after ds was born but then she just reverted back to being nice to everyone else and putting me down again. Thing is, ds loves her and she's much more tolerant of him then she ever was with me so I just try to ignore it now.

Went through a phase of this and concluded that she has got to be mentally ill.

It's the only charitable explanation I can find.

muma3, i too have 3 kids. can never understand how my mum couldn't cope with just me and my dad. she always seemed to be nagging my dad and shouting at me--in fact i was out of the house as much as i could be!
rabbitrabbit, my mum has always put me down too.even now, i'm always in the wrong or if something happens it's my fault because i did this or didn't do that.

muma3, i too have 3 kids. can never understand how my mum couldn't cope with just me and my dad. she always seemed to be nagging my dad and shouting at me--in fact i was out of the house as much as i could be!
rabbitrabbit, my mum has always put me down too.even now, i'm always in the wrong or if something happens it's my fault because i did this or didn't do that.

I have one child, my mother gave birth to 13. Thirteen times pregnancy brain....I think it's become a permanent state of mind for her. There is no way I could have done that and not had a nervous breakdown.

that is good going then slug !!!

not really, my mum barely paid attention to me as a child, then we went to live wqith my grandparents so they brought me up, thden at 14 went to live with my dad.
im back living near her though and we are getting on a lot better, in fact she says to me, how on earth do you cope!!

Slug, Nan had 16. I have no idea why. She just got the elder girls to raise the younger ones though (she was bed bound for last few anyway through illness.

I get on fine with my Mum now, but looking at her years ago, I think why didn't you get yourself together- were we not important enough? I get that she was depressed really and couldn't, but on the counterbalance after losing 5 babies you'd think she would be glad to have us. But there you go, all in the past.

Yup, my mum had us 7 kids over 13 yrs, and i'm the same age now as when she'd had her 7 .. and i can only cope with 2 kids!
She also worked full time, so there was never much attention from her, love or cuddles. She never did housework or cooked us dinner, that was up to my gran, dad (who also worked full time)and us!
We all still find it tough to get on with her as she's still so spoilt and the 'child', but she is better with the grandkids.

I wonder how my mum could ever have treated us with the little affection that she did. How she could have been so disinterested in our lives, how she could have put her lover before us, how she could have been so hypocritical and unsupportive.

I love my kids so much it hurts, and I wonder why she didn't feel this too. Still doesn't.

Nice to know I'm not the only one

I've never had a single hug, kiss or cuddle from either of my parents, not even when my eldest brother died when I was 8

They used to regularly have huge arguments in front of us, in fact looking back it's a wonder they stayed together. They do seem to be happy now though

Yes my parentsa re the same, I remember as a teenager offering to pay Mum to leave dad , and the only time I remember a hug, I agve it to her and she went all stiff

Bizarrely my parents too are like loves young dream now we've all left home.