are there times-now you're a mother-you look at your own mother and wonder how the hell she could do it?

[cutekids]

I never had a particularly great relationship with my mum although as we both get older we've learned to agree to disagree. sometimes when i think back, though, on things she did i wonder if she ever really loved me like i love my own kids. or was it just another generation thing?

I agree that it's sad reading your recollections of difficult and cold childhoods. My mum was always around - although she went back to work when I was about 8 (school secretary so around during holidays, etc.). She was brilliant, as was my dad. I had what I now think of as an idyllic childhood. We lived in a village and we children had a pretty free rein, disappearing for hours into the orchards and down the creek - wouldn't bloomin' let my kids do that now! Mum and Dad are still wonderful and dote on my boys and I can be truely thankful that I was one of the lucky ones.

I do admire all of you who do such a wonderful job with your own children despite having had such awful role models in your mothers. A testament to your own characters.

I find myself behaving the same way sometimes so I don't exactly wonder how she did it as wonder how I can stop myself from doing the same

I'd have to be a severe depressive or alkie to act like either of them , not tempting

it is sad reading other people's descriptions of their mothers i do wonder how they coped but mom died 7years ago 2moro so it's bit difficult to ask her really i do find myself wondering how she did manage being a sahm with dad driving lorries and having horrible start times. remember when my dd had colic, looking back on it now, my memory has glossed over it but i remember my mom saying when we were still at home that my brother had it that bad she used to want to throw him to stop the screaming (she never did) but i wonder now if she had pnd too? she didn't really know many people where we lived either. my mom sometimes said i wasn't special but think that was more to stop me getting spoilt. was wrapped up in cotton wool a bit2 but maybe i just remembering better times cos of 2moro.

my mum & childhood eperince was much as others on here. i always felt my parents favoured my older bro, there was just the two of us. i never had much respect for her parenting skills (to put it mildly). loads of stuff, nothing serious or anything, just constant feeling of being let down... since having my ds 3.4 y ago, she has been more positive and has been lovely with him, really spoilling him etc. HOWEVER, since having my dd 5m ago, she has had no interest at all in her and it has really confirmed to me how i preceived my childhood was not some squewed (sp?) memory but sadly reality. i have now found myself distancing myself from her. her rejection is more than i can take so i protect myself by emotional detachment.
so then she tells me she's got breast cancer (on the phone in an arguement and in a v childish way) and i'm sorry - could never admit to this in RL but i can't help thinking it would be a relief. o god i know how f**king awful this sounds, but i've been thinking it and bottling it up ages and on here it sounds like one or two of you might 'get it'. i'm really sorry if it offends others, as i realise for everyone with a crappy parent, there's someone who's just lost a wonderful one etc, but do feel a little better for having written it.......
now to post or not to post? will i dam myself forever? let's chance it...

Amber I don't feel the same way about my Mum as she has changed but i do admire your honesty.

Amber, it's a horrid thing to say but I do agree with you. I often think what a relief it would be when my mum dies. She continues to hurt so many people and her influence is so powerful, that we as her children will never be truly free until she has gone.

This post is not intended to hurt those who have lost parents. If you have a good relationship with your mum then you are very lucky and if you have lost a mother then my heart goes out to you. But to suffer a damaging mother, for years and years, I can't even begin to describe how that feels. So Amber, don't feel bad, you are just being honest and human.

Yes, don't feel ashamed amber.

I also know what you mean about her treatment of you/grandkids confirming your suspicions about your childhood, but in a totally mild way in my case of course, I feel similarly. Her attitude to dd & what sort of mum she thought i should be to dd taught me a lot about what she must have been like when i was a baby. eg i was v v frustrated (as a single mum) cos i was desperate for a break & for dd to get used to being with other ppl and the only person i felt i could ask was my mum, but she refused to up till dd was about a year old, just saying "she only needs her mummy!" i was unable therefore to give dd what I wanted to give her, and it terrified me that dd was getting the same start that i had iykwim! was also a bit bitter that my mum wasn't taking my needs into account, only dd's. (though of course clearly she only took my needs into account when i was a baby, not her own! )

I realise why both my parents acted as they did - they'd had deeply crappy things happen to them (my mother's mother killed herself when my mum was two); but boy oh boy oh boy do I hope I'm doing a different - and better - job.

Yes, Caligula, Ive chosen the "mentally ill" option to list my mother under. It means I can forgive her a little, at least. If I knew it was simply that her character is selfish, narcissistic and violent and she could have in any way helped the way she treated us kids, I dont think I could forgive her at all.

Sakura, i sometimes feel like it would be easier to be able to be angry & bitter ! instead, me & dsis have to spend our time admiring our parents for how they managed to get through it, and just accept what wasn't good in our childhoods. my dsis's boyf once asked us "where does all the anger go in your family?" and it's true -we can have heated discussions about politics, religion etc etc but we hardly ever have personal discussions/rows about our relationships with each other etc. i don't know how odd that is?

I went through a very low period after dd2 when I used to look at my girls and wonder how mum could have behaved the way she did. (she was/is barmy, violent and had a drink problem) Every day I was not behaving like her was a blessing.

However, now we are both getting older there are things in her that I admire - her shrewdness and sense of humour.

some people have mentioned on here that they felt their siblings were favoured. i too felt this and upon talking to my mum about it she recalled a time we stayed with my auntie.

me and my auntie were sitting outside a shop and i was saying how i hated that my brother got everything i got nothing mum and dad loved/cared for him more etc etc etc.

then later the same day my bro and auntie sat outside the house while i was napping and my bro was saying how he hated that mum and dad favoured me over him and how they loved/cared for him more etc etc.

almost identical speech, 2 children same upbringing, i think its a natural reaction you never quite realise that they could be being fair and you not seeing it. just a thought!

There is absolutely no doubt that i was favoured over my sister, by my dad. Even my mum acknowledged it and spoke to him about it. His brother & wife confided in us not long ago that they were shocked by it, it was even when we were tiny, and they swore they would never be like that with their own children.
He changed a lot in our late teens and now we all get on so well. We didn't get on with him at all growing up. It was very odd, i have no idea what it was about. it was the usual stuff - i was the clever one, my sis could do nothing right. in our teens i was the one who rebelled, and sis was a right martyr trying to please them all the time!