DC3 - I REALLY want to, he doesn't. Where to from here?!

[twinsister]

Needing wise counsel from MNetters please. Sorry it's a bit long.

When we got married we agreed on 2-3 children, should we be so lucky.

We now have two beautiful DDs, aged 2 and nearly 4. I definitely want a third. We have been dancing around the issue for the last 12 months but last night DH said he definitely didn't want to try for a third.

I didn't realise how much I did until now. I think I had just been blissfully carrying on with my own imagination presuming he would eventually come around to it.

What do I do from here? Can/should I keep trying to convince him? Definitely wont be considering planning an 'accidental' pregnancy.

I just feel like my life plan has been reshaped in the last 24 hours and feel a bit physically sick. I know I'm being a bit silly. Rational input required!

More info; I'm 37, DH has just turned 40. we have a 5 bedroom house, financially we are fine so whilst it would be an additional cost we could afford it, I am a fraternal twin so heightened chances (one of his reasons for being against it), I had PND after DD2 (another reason against a third), I had a prolapse after our first (a third reason) which is much improved but I did have to have a CS for DD2 and would again for future pregnancies.

We are now living close to my family so would have a million times more support this time around. I went back to work six months ago but have recently decided to set up my own business from home freelancing as not feeling I'm spending enough time with the girls before they go to school.

It has been a stressful few years for various reasons including his parents ill health, moving countries and having small babies. DH is happy with our lot and sees now as the chance to enter stage two of parenthood. Whereas I see it as an opportunity to have DC3 in a much nicer situation than we had the first two.

Arrrggh. He's not being unreasonable but we just disagree. What do we do?!

thanks all

I think count your blessings and enjoy your two lovely DDs. DH has good reasons to stick at two.

So, you planned 2-3 and have 2.

Which does mean you're going 'according to plan'. So that is something.

TBH I'd not personally want a child the father didn't. But then I do know parents who've 'come around' to the idea of children they weren't initially that keen on having.

None of your/his reasoning is bad. As you said, you just disagree.

Having said that though I'd add that if you're already both working (albeit you from home now) with two pretty young pre-schoolers who ar beign sent to nursery (all?) day it is not obvious to me that you'd really want to hands-on parent another... so why bother? (espec. given that there will be martial bother other this too...)

I'd be thinking along the lines of explaining your reasons for wanting number 3 in the same way DH has stated his reasons for not.
At the same time I'd be mulling over the idea that you'll stick to 2 so you can start to accept it. If DH sees you're point of view he might be willing to re think, but of he doesn't, then I wouldn't force him to have a child he doesn't want.

In that case, you're lucky to have two beautiful girls so concentrate on giving them the best upbringing rather than concentrating on number 3.

I have DS now who was IVF so while we would both love DC2, we have to be realistic that we were bloody lucky to get 1 and might not be so lucky again.

hmm! We couldn't agree on this one, either.
Dc3 arrived a decade later by accident. (we'd never been able to make up our minds to make a permenant contraceptive arrangement.)

In your shoes, and with hindsight, agree to wait a year or two before discussing it again. You'll be out of nappies and starting school by then. You'll either be rabidly broody or starting to enjoy the next phase by then.

all really helpful advice thank you. Have taken all of it on board. Will start thinking about what goals I might have for the next few years that don't involve a baby.

and will ask if we can have the conversation again in 6-12 months. Don't really want to leave it any later than that if I can help it. Wonder if I will have changed my mind by then. Can't imagine it but can see it's possible as I get further from the baby stage.

On less emotional reflection I can see where he is coming from and think he is probably right that its not the right thing for us to be doing/thinking about right now.

Still feeling like I"m grieving for something though

If I'm honest, I wouldn't say have the conversation again in 6 - 12 months, as you'll just spend the whole time hoping he'll change his mind. There is no middle ground here - one of you has to change your minds.

It sounds like his reasons are really valid (and of course your age is a consideration too) and you need to think about what a DC3 would add that is so much more important than all that other stuff.

I honestly, honestly think you need to try and be happy with two. I think he is thinking of you, I really do. I would try not to fight over this.

I'm in the same place. We had the big discussion a year ago, I'd like a 3rd, DH wants to stick at 2. We both have valid reasons and can understand the others pov. We agreed to leave making the decision and to keep talking about it every few months. Nothing has changed a year on. I still feel devastated at the thought of not having another child. DS2 starts school in Sept which makes it worse not better. I've got no idea how we resolve it.

I am sure you'll all shout at me but I would let it happen by accident (eg let him take responsibility for contraception and wait for him to be lax re condoms rather than outright lying).

Or explain your reasons fully and see if he changes his mind. Maybe he doesn't realise how much it matters to you.

Terrible advice orderinformation

For one thing - 'wait for him to be lax'? Plenty of men are perfectly capable of putting on a condom regularly, you know, especially when they don't want a third child and feel it would put their wife's physical and emotional health at risk. Do you really think a healthy marriage is made by a woman waiting around and hoping the condom breaks?!

Explaining fully is fine, but be perfectly prepared for it to matter to him NOT to have another as much as it matters to you to have one. Don't assume that if you just tell him how much you really, really want it, it will make him suddenly want it too.

For what it's worth I know exactly how you feel...except now I'm 14 weeks pg with DC3 and if I'm honest I'm slightly crapping myself. We have 2 adorable boys (3 and 4 yrs), the older one is starting school next year (we live in Scotland, entry is later) so I've got them at home for another year at least and I was soooooooooooooooo goddamm broody. I freelance too, successfully, building up clients, work going well, lots of exposure etc. But something was missing and I also felt like I was grieving. My husband 'came round' to the idea and was absolutely delighted when we found out (literally, one month later) that I was upduffed. But I'm now thinking HELP. Life would be so simple if we'd just carried on the 2 child trajectory. And then I flip to thinking 3 is a perfect number and I can't wait to have a sibling for them to share their lives with. I know that I would have regretted 'not trying' but a friend who was 'stopped' at two, said the grieving gets better after about 18 months so I know eventually you move on. So, this post is as clear as mud I'm sure (a reflection of my mental state), but the bottom line is, 2 is a lovely number, it works. 3 makes life complicated but if you're up for that and he is too, then go for it!

A friend of mine went for number three and got triplets, another had a disabled baby. Do think carefully about all the possible outcomes and how you and DH would cope.

Jesus, triplets!! I must admit I was so relieved at my scan to see there was only one.

The default is always not having another baby. There's no compromise. If he doesn't want another, you don't have another. Sorry.

We went through this.

We hadn't discussed how many children we wanted when we got married, bizarrely, but I knew when I was pregnant with ds2 that I wanted at least another one. DH wasn't on board with this idea *at all^ and was happy to stick with two.

I couldn't drop it though, and it was all I could think about, i just couldn't/wouldn't move on. For me, there was someone 'missing' from our family. Eventually DH agreed, we had dc3 and all has been perfect. I 'settled' for three, even though I would have happily had number 4, and annoyingly DH now says he wishes we had gone for more!

I think you have to get him to agree, but if that doesn't work, it would be unfair to make him go along with something he is totally opposed to.

I agree with morris.

DH only wanted 1 (well, wanted is probably a bit strong!). When DS was 1 ish, I just said calmly one evening, I would very much like another child, but I respect that you don't, i need you to know if you ever change you're mind, you just have to say, but I'll never nag or speak about this again. And I meant it. And i never so much as hinted again. 6 months later he said he wanted another. I'm cuddling 11 wk old DD as I type.

The one who doesn't want another gets the veto. How dreadful would it be to be coerced into being a parent when you don't want to.

Broodiness is hormonal and natural. Maybe have a close look at your rational reasons for wanting another. Because his rational reasons seem sensible and considerate to me.

I'm not understanding this person who doesn't want another child gets to veto! The feelings of the partner who wants more are just as valid. Relationships are about compromise imo. While you can't agree to have half a child the sacrifice made on this one needs to be recognised and respected, as does the impact it has on the relationship.

Aw glad your seeing tiny bits of light in that tunnel.

I forgot to say. We tried CO. I wasn't sure what I thought about it but I was at the end of my tether at the time and CO was the only thing left. In all honesty, I don't think it helped but other people swear by it so its always worth a shot.

I'll give you a snapshot into my routine at the time.

Midnight - I would get up and rock/bounce/sway DS all day long until 6pm. When he did sleep it was upright on either me or dh.

6pm - dh would come in from work and I'd throw some food down my throat and scuttle off to bed to get some sleep then get up again at midnight to start again.

Midnight through to 6pm is a long time to be with a screaming baby who won't sleep at all and requires constant movement. He simply would not let me sit down with him - had to be on the go all the time.

Slowly, as we found the right meds and milk, we were able to put DS down to sleep but only n his tummy so the routine above continued so 1 of us was always watching over him. He slept propped up on cushions so the acid didn't come back up, in the corner of the settee with myself or dh at the other end watching him closely. Still wouldn't be put down when awake. Tried co-sleeping at this point but I wasn't comfortable and scared I'd harm him.

As he got stronger I started to snooze lightly at the other end of the settee. (I will point out that the settee we had at the time was one which left absolutely no risk of him falling down the back/side etc.

We got to a point where he was sleeping quite soundly in this position so we thought we'd try relocating him into the corner of his cot rather than the settee. I made a makeshift bed next to his cot and stayed in there with him.

As you can see, we ended up breaking every rule in the book with regards to sleep but we had no choice. It was the only way any of us, DS included, was getting any sleep. DS can roll now and still rolls himself onto his tummy if I try to put him to sleep on his back.

Hope that gives you a little insight, and assures you that you're really not alone in all this.

Oh and I was told numerous times - I'm hoping its true - DIFFICULT BABY = EASY CHILD!

fingers crossed he settles enough for you to get home xx

Oops posted that in wrong thread - lol. I'll copy and past to the right one tomorrow when I'm awake enough to get it right!

Sorry guys.

The one who doesn't want another gets the veto. How dreadful would it be to be coerced into being a parent when you don't want to.

yy to this. HPsauce your story was lovely to read.

The feelings of the partner who wants more are just as valid.

yy to this too. But ultimately, being coerced into being a parent would be worse, for me. The feelings and the sacrifice of a dream and the impact on the relationship should be respected, of course, but the ultimate veto for me should lie with the person expressing a distinct preference NOT to be a parent.

I really disagree with those that say if your OH doesn't want another you therefore shouldn't have another.
What about your wishes, why should they be ignored. I do understand the whole "be grateful for what you've got" mentality and I'm sure you are. Wanting another child doesn't mean you aren't thankful for the children you already have. However if you truly yearn for another and this is ignored is there not a danger that real resentment could set in at some point in the future when you feel it is maybe too late for you to have another.

Ultimately it isn't about the wishes of the partner who wanted more or the wishes about the partner who didn't: it is about the future of the child.

Missing out on a child will focus the resentment on the uncooperative adult. Being born unwanted would make the child the focus of that resentment. Which isn't something that should happen to any child.

Absolutely cory. This is my feeling precisely.

you shouldnt have another if your partner doesnt want one , would you go along with it if the tables were turned and you were against one more,enjoy what you have .

Update on this...I did as kafri suggested above and sent him an email explaining my reasons. Turns out my DH and I are quite good email conversationalists and he sent back a long response after some thinking time.

He's on the fence. Which is closer than he was a month ago.

And I've been doing proper thinking and absorbing and listening and contemplating how the path looks with two.

I will still be very very sad if we don't go for it. But at least I'll know that it wasn't because we didn't understand each other's point of view.

thanks again for the advice all. Oh and email as a relationship tool, who woulda thought...