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Parenting

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Original poster

Did something crappy yesterday...

27 replies

Elibean · 03/06/2006 14:24

...we were in a hurry to go out and meet friends for lunch, with dd (2.5). We'd been out all morning, and popped home to change - dd did NOT want to go out again, and resisted every attempt to hurry, change nappy, put shoes on etc. Nothing unusual in a two year old, and not something that would normally bother me - I usually just step out of struggles, distract, give her a minute, etc and its fine.
For some reason (tired, had head/backache, pregnant, feeling lonely??) I lost it...I told her if she wasn't coming we were going anyway, then when she didnt' come stepped out of the house with dh and closed the door for about ten seconds. She started crying, and of course we rushed back in - felt dreadful, what a crap bit of retaliation, not to mention manipulative. She said 'don't want to be left alone' and cried for a few seconds, then stopped crying and was angry for a minute or two (and got in the buggy). Later on we had a chat..I told her I was really sorry, and would never do that again, Mummy had been cross but shouldn't have done that.

She's been fine, but I still feel upset about it...just sort of needed to tell someone other than dh (who agrees it was not good, and we mustn't do it again obviously, but doesn't think she was traumatized or that I should be giving myself a hard time about it).
I can't quite let go of the image of dd crying on her own in an empty house - perhaps I'm muddling reality with my own childhood, 'cos that sounds more dramatic than it really was (according to dh, again).

Aaargh

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SoupDragon · 03/06/2006 14:26

There's nothing cr*ppy about that. I bet a large proportion of MNer have done it too - I know I have.

KommandantColditz · 03/06/2006 14:27

I think, actually, you are reading a lot more into this than actually happened. I had to re-read your post to see what you had done wrong!

She probably can't even remember!

KommandantColditz · 03/06/2006 14:28

And, yes, the amount of times I have walked off, calling to ds "Bye then!"

they do have to learn that your patience is not endless, and they cannot mess about forever.

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Original poster

Elibean · 03/06/2006 14:29

Thanks both of you - I know I'm muddling my own stuff in here, just need a reality check. I can turn myself from human into monster in my head occasionally, especially when hormonal.

OP posts:

KommandantColditz · 03/06/2006 14:32

I know what you mean. I tried to apologise to ds about something trivial once, I just confused him because he had no idea what I was talking about! I had blown it out of proportion in my own head, he had forgotten it completely. Far from damaging him, it hadn't even registered.

SecurMummy · 03/06/2006 14:35

So basically she had a strop (as they all do) once you had had enough you gave her a consequence for her actions - you warned her first, gave her a chance and then carried it through. Once she had time to digest it you came back and gave her the chance to adapt her behaviour - which she did.

I agree it was not an ideal scenario, however I really fail to see what you did that was so wrong you should feel like this.

I am with your dh on this one, give yourself a break, everyone gets angry sometimes and if this is the limit of your actions when your buttons are pressed then I think you should be applying for a reward not a hard time.

Cheer up hun, your child will be fine

Original poster

Elibean · 03/06/2006 14:35

KC, yep.

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SecurMummy · 03/06/2006 14:36

lol, sorry slow poster.

You are not a monster

BadHair · 03/06/2006 14:49

Blimey, I do that all the time. It's become a game with ds1, now 5, as the only way to get him to come with me was to walk off and leave him (with my back-of-the-head-eyes switched on, of course). Many a school morning starts with one of my dses being shut in the hall while I pretend to walk off.

Don't beat yourself up about it - sometimes playing children at their own game is a very useful way to get your point across.

FrannyandZooey · 03/06/2006 14:50

Aww, Elibean. I know you are extremely gentle and non-punitive with your children so I completely understand why you feel crap about doing this - it goes against all your beliefs.

I'm embarrassed to say I have done much, much worse things than this and ds seems to be still functioning. It is nearly always a sign I am too tired. Maybe you need to give yourself a break in some way.

When you have done something that contradicts everything you believe in, I think it is a good time to take stock and remind yourself of what you are trying to achieve here - and maybe look at new ways of doing things. I don't mean that you should decide to start threats and punishments, but maybe work out new strategies of doing things the way you want to, so you don't feel desperate enough to resort to things like this again.

I wanted to treat this as a serious matter because I know that it is a big thing for you. It is not because I think this is a dreadfully shocking thing to have done or anything like that :)

Blackduck · 03/06/2006 14:53

Just been on holiday with ds who was trying for a number of reasons - he'd not want to come with us, or wlak a different way, or sit in the middle of path - dp and I would walk away saying 'bye..see you later'.....didn't take him long to catch up!

SecurMummy · 03/06/2006 14:57

F&Z that is a really nice post and makes it much clearer why EB is so upset by it.

Remember that you cannot "ruin" a child by making one slip up - which you clearly think this is. As F&Z says, if this is not the way you wish to go forward then simply put it down to experience and use it as a spring board to give yourself chance to get together new strategies.

Original poster

Elibean · 03/06/2006 15:00

Thanks some more, all of you. You're all saying the same as dh (he'll be happy about that ). Fog is clearing, and I can see that I was actually feeling somewhat abandoned myself (best friends awol, dh been ill, various other support systems gone) and thats why it seemed so big, and also probably why I did it.

F&Z, thanks for your (usual) thoughtfulness, you're right - its a big thing to me because I wouldn't normally. And its a big relief to know others who wouldn't normally do too, IYSWIM.

That goes for all of you, in fact - MN is the best antidote to distorted reality I know!

Off to enjoy dd in the paddling pool

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LadyCodofCOdford · 03/06/2006 15:00

god i do that regularly

Original poster

Elibean · 03/06/2006 15:02

ps F&Z, so far I've been gentle with 'child' as opposed to 'children' - #2 is on the inside, so to speak, so easy to be nice to (unless you count forgetting not to eat a salami sandwich). Suspect I'd better get used to slip ups for when he/she is on the out: 'children' defo a bigger challenge!

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 03/06/2006 15:13

Sorry Eli, couldn't remember how many you had (even though you did say in your first post I think ) Small wonder you are not up to total perfection at the moment, being pregnant and all. I found the months between 2.5 and 3 the most challenging for me, if that helps. I regularly turned into the Wicked Mummy from Nastyville. Ds is still fab :)

trinityrhino · 03/06/2006 16:17

Awww It's ok, I don't think she will remember it, it is probably upsetting you more than it is her.
I can imagine how you felt and why you did it.
I have done similar and then felt bad butI do feel that we worry (as mums) more than the littluns do.

Xavielli · 03/06/2006 19:41

I don't know how much anyone else will agree with this but I personally found having toddler and being pregnant much harder than it has been since DD was born.

There are soo many crazy hormones buzzing about, things seemed to lift a bit when DD was born, the anticipation (whilst fun, towards the end becomes a head doer!) was gone, my body was my own again, and atleast I could put the baby down!!!

Found myself in situations like this many-a-time, but as you say, its your beliefs, but personally I am more along the lines of Cod in parenting styles, they are asked once, warned of the consqeuences then told to do it!

Original poster

Elibean · 03/06/2006 20:24

Mmmyes, being pregnant is challenging for me and for dd (not to mention dh!) for sure. Good to know thats normal - I often think its because I'm so ancient as well! I do agree with warning then telling, just would not choose leaving house and shutting front door as a consequence for a 2 year old ever again. Next time I will have a more appropriate (ie dastardly but not mean) one to hand...
Thanks some more....

OP posts:

myermay · 03/06/2006 20:31

you didn't do anything wrong.

To make you feel better, when my 3 year old won't put his shoes on and leave the house i warn him a few times that i'll go without him.... if still resists then i tell him to watch out the window as i'm going out. I then get in my car and drive off and park a few doors down(where he can't see me), it usually takes 5 seconds and he's out the door! works a treat every time. They can't dictate to you, you're the boss.

FrannyandZooey · 03/06/2006 20:42

I sort of saw this coming...

should parp myself but still.

Why on earth would anyone believe, that making your child think that you will physically abandon them if they don't do what you say, is a good idea?

sparklemagic · 03/06/2006 20:48

Elibean, I'm very much like you in my approach I think, I do lots and lots of negotiating and really don't have it in me to 'punish' my DS. I have been told by lots of people that I am a very patient mum indeed and it does take an awful lot to get me cross. I've never shouted at my DS and he is rising four. (Which isn't to say I've never been firm with him, just that I don't shout).

NOT saying this to blow own trumpet, just to add that I have done similar with my DS (walked away from him in a park when all else had failed - he was two) and he was hysterical...felt bad for WEEKS. Recently DH and I had words in front of DS resulting in DH storming off down the road, DS in tears.....And I honestly believe that as adults we put too much angst on this sort of thing. It really does happen to EVERYONE and the kids do not even remember it! I hope that on a positive note it does go to show the kids you sometimes have to listen to mum!

threebob · 03/06/2006 20:54

I have a couple of things that nearly always work - and yet I have still been known to do similar stuff to what you describe.

Children are good at pressing our buttons, and when we are tired or stressed this sort of thing happens. Personally I think it teaches our children that we are human too - and capable of losing it if pushed too far.

Original poster

Elibean · 03/06/2006 21:29

Agree with last three posts. Definitely hormonal, every time one of you says 'I've done stuff like that' I get tearful.
Yep, good for kids to know we're human for sure...I'm glad I talked to her afterwards, I felt her let go of it then (also glad I talked to MN so I could do the same!).

OP posts:

trinityrhino · 04/06/2006 07:11

I agree franny, seems really odd to me
bit like the old " wait till your father gets home" with the child being scared of daddy so they do what they're told yuk icky

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