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Parenting

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Original poster

Step Families!!!

28 replies

Em1976 · 30/01/2004 11:19

I have a daughter of 3 and half, very bright for her age, the problem is that my partner and i have moved into a house together with my daughter. He doesn't have any children of his own and hasn't much dealings with children. He is trying his best, he understands and respects my wishes on how i want her brought up, but I don't know what to do, my daughter told him last night that he wasn't her mum or dad and he can't tell her what to do!! Sometimes she can be so loving to him and then 5 mins later she's being really horrible to him. I sit her down and talk through what she has just said and asked her why, she has no answer. She started nursery 3 weeks ago and since then has become very ratty and wingy at my childminders and at home... i just don't know what to do!?!?

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twiglett · 30/01/2004 11:24

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spacemonkey · 30/01/2004 11:28

oh it is hard isn't it Em! It sounds like dd is reacting to the changes that have happened (moving in together and starting nursery), I'm sure she will settle down before too long. I moved in with dp the year before last - he has no kids of his own either (my two are 12 and 10, so a lot older than your dd). He's coped brilliantly, and they both love him. On the odd occasion that they've made similar remarks (YOU'RE NOT MY DAD! etc), dp has spoken to them (when the dust has settled) and assured them that he knows he is not their dad and isn't trying to be. But it rarely happens, and I count myself lucky. I'm not sure how I'd react if they were your dd's age, so sorry I can't offer any advice really. I just feel that at such a young age children are pretty adaptable, so I reckon she will settle down of her own accord in time. Sounds to me like you and dp are dealing with the situation in the best way possible.

I'm sure there will be loads of good advice on here from other mumsnetters in a similar situation!

Original poster

Em1976 · 30/01/2004 11:29

I understand what you are saying, it's funny cos i have always brought her up to be a very loving child, and not to be affraid of expressing feelings for people.
I think it is as hard for him and well as her, he was very hurt and upset yesterday when i got home after all this has happened. She knew she had done wrong because she was all over me and appologising to my other half. I don't know if she's testing the water with him while i'm not there! I just don't know what to say to him or if anything say to my daughter!?

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spacemonkey · 30/01/2004 11:32

twiglett's right about clarifying responsibilities etc

i know some people are funny about their partners disciplining the children, but i encourage dp to be proactive rather than leave it all up to me because i'm their mum, and the kids seem fine with that. If dp does something i disagree with i just discuss it with him, but am very careful not to undermine his authority in front of the kids

spacemonkey · 30/01/2004 11:34

i agree, it does sound like she's testing the water - it's a new situation for her and she wants to find out what the rules are/where are the boundaries etc

also agree it's v difficult for your dp - but probably hardest of all for you because if you're anything like me you feel you're in the middle and trying to make everyone happy!

StressyHead · 30/01/2004 11:34

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marialuisa · 30/01/2004 11:36

I agree that she's defo testing out the new set-up. I've had numerous step-parents and currently my youngest bro and sis (8 and 3) are adjusting to a new influence. I think you need to stress to your DP that kids say horrible things e.g. "I hate you" but that they don't mean it in the way an adult would. Although it's crippling when they say things like that it's important not to let the child see how upset you are. Where's Aloha? She's brill at giving advice on thi sort of thing!

StressyHead · 30/01/2004 11:38

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Original poster

Em1976 · 30/01/2004 11:40

DD normally listerns to him, but sometimes she just ignores him, I don't like stepping in when he is disapplining her because it is like i am undermining him, and that i don't want to do at all. however i don't want DD to think she can get away with things.

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StressyHead · 30/01/2004 11:46

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valleygirl · 30/01/2004 11:56

If your ex still has contact with your dd then perhaps she may be feeling protective of him in the only way a 3 year old can - by pointing out that your dp is not her daddy.
Which he isn't, and if her real dad is on the scene then it's right that you should point out to her that she will only ever have 1 "REAL" dad, but that's not to mean that your dp will not be there to love and care for her, but also tell her off when she's been naughty.
It can be confusing for a 3 year old - I know that I had to work really hard to get the trust of my youngest ss, who was only one and a half when I came into his life and wasn't really interested in me as this interloper in his life. But now it's great and I get all the cuddles and kisses and the occasional "i love you 3 million and five" that were usually only reserved for his dad.
So as long as these things are talked about openly there should be no hang ups later on in life.
I have always been given a free reign when it comes to my step-sons - and that means telling them off and disciplining them when they need it, but all the time giving them lots of love and support. I would find it incredibly frustrating if I wasn't allowed to exert my authority in my own home, and find it very difficult to accept that so many step-parents are not allowed to take full responsibility for the care of their step-kids, which does, unfortunately, also mean being the horrible grown up who sends them to their room when they've been naughty, as well as all the lovely things too.

Original poster

Em1976 · 30/01/2004 11:58

I would never tell DP off infront of DD, sometimes i think he is too strong with her but I think that is down to not being around children, of which we have discussed and agreed. But what do i do if DP is tell her to do something of which she isn't, do i leave it until it esculates or do i interferre!?!?

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spacemonkey · 30/01/2004 11:58

agree with everything valleygirl says - very well put

StressyHead · 30/01/2004 11:58

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spacemonkey · 30/01/2004 11:59

I would intervene, but only to tell DD that she must take notice of whatever it is DP is saying. I don't think this is undermining his authority

Original poster

Em1976 · 30/01/2004 12:02

My DD dad is still on the scene, he is very good with her, but lets her do what she wants to with him, no disapline there at all, he'll say don't do that and then laugh (talking about confussing the situation). DP is very loving towards DD and treats her the same as i do, but it's difficult when things don't go right to what is the right thing to do!?!

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StressyHead · 30/01/2004 12:02

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StressyHead · 30/01/2004 12:03

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StressyHead · 30/01/2004 12:05

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Original poster

Em1976 · 30/01/2004 12:09

Same here, it is so frustrateing because we are the primary carers for our DC and the ex's come on the scene and cause mayhem and then you have a horrible first few days with them while they are settling down. I have warned him that if he continues like this on bigger issues when she is older he will not no what is happening!!! But i still think it is very important for children to have the same standards at home and at their fathers/mothers so it's routine and unsettling, this i have explained umpteen times to him, my head is sore from the brick wall

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StressyHead · 30/01/2004 12:20

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valleygirl · 30/01/2004 12:29

My step-sons have had to come to term with a few different rules that we have in our home, to what they have at their mum's - small stuff like we don't allow them chewing gum to more important stuff like they are not allowed to climb all over the furniture, to even more important rule that the youngest is not allowed to come into bed with us at 6am in the morning!!! But as we have explained to them that those are the rules in out house, regardless what the rules are in their mum's house, they are ok about it, and have adapted and accepted these things.

If she is unwilling to listen to your dp when he lays down the law I think you have to present a totally united front, and if needs be send her to her room for not doing as she's told. the explain to her that she has to listen to what dp says too. i think this is the only way she'll understand that your rules are the same as his rules.

also, from one step-parent to another, i totally empathise with your dp - it's not easy taking on someone else's child, and he does it full time, whereas i do it a third of the week. and if he's never had experience with children before, as i hadn't, then it really is a case of being thrown in at the deep end, and in my case i felt totally isolated for such a long time. but tell him it is SOOOOOO worth it in the end!

StressyHead · 30/01/2004 12:32

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Original poster

Em1976 · 30/01/2004 12:41

It is hard for him, i know that, he doesn't want to step on my toes with disipline of which he hasn't. He needs to work on the patience thing with her and explain things to her why they are wrong etc so that she understands why he is telling her off. he loves her to bits, you can see that, i know he is finding it hard and i support him and reassure him and told him, yes she has got a dad, but you are the next best thing to one and in a way he has the best world of being her best friend!! and that he is a primary carer for her like myself and that we are a family unit together, he has felt better since we have had that chat cos now he knows what i think and expect from him. I know it must be hard, but with women at least we talk about things, sometimes it's like getting blood from a stone to what is really bothering him!!

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valleygirl · 30/01/2004 12:49

well mumsnet is for men too, and the step-parenting forum really helped me when i felt i was going out of my mind - not knowing if i was doing the right things, saying the right things, if what I was feeling was normal or not - and no matter how sympathetic and patient and supportive my bf was, he could never quite understand the conflicting feelings i had because of course he was their dad and had all the natural love that comes with being their birth parent.
Even as a woman who is quite good at expressing herself, I often found it very difficult to express my feelings openly to my bf cos I didn't want to upset him when I had negative things to say about how I felt about his kids! Tricky you see?

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