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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I expecting too much from my husband?

40 replies

Margetts · 22/04/2013 09:25

I am a stay at home mum with 6 year old twins, and particularly at the weekends I feel I do all the child care. My husband does work long hours, so I get up early in the morning at the weekends so he can have a long lie. I don't mind this as I am usually awake anyway. After this I will prepare all the meals, clear up afterwards, make the beds and keep things tidy as the day goes on. Most of the time I don't mind but I would really like to be brought a coffee or a gin and tonic. The only thing he does every night is put one of the children to bed.

I don't mind most of the time, but when I suggest we go out for a meal he doesn't want to. On the rare occasion we have a takeaway I am the one who organises it and drives to collect it.

The only thing he seems to do regularly every weekend is wash and clean the cars! I wouldn't mind but when he is out in the sunshine I'm stuck in the kitchen getting lunch.

Is the normal for a stay at home mum to do all domestic chores and the gardening ( which I do enjoy)?

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MortifiedAdams · 22/04/2013 09:28

No. Certainly not unless she wants that type of arrangement.

One of the weekend days should be your lie in day. And a proper lie in at that, not.one where he dashes in every thirty mins to ask where the nappies are kept.

DeepRedBetty · 22/04/2013 09:29

No it isn't. You need to sort out a regular time off. It sounds like you're both knackered by the weekend, and stuck in a rut. Budget for a babysitter once a week and get out, the pair of you!

NaturalBaby · 22/04/2013 09:31

I'm a sahm and feel like I do everything but the minute DH gets home we split the jobs and childcare. He does the dishes if I cook dinner and vice versa - it's always been like that though in our relationship. He helps one child and I help the other, or one of us sorts out all the dc's and the other one tidies or packs a picnic bag if we're going out.

I go out in the evenings to get some time to myself and tend to 'disappear' doing jobs when he's around, sending the dc's to daddy when they have a request.

What does he do/say if you ask him to do something like hoover the house?

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PoppyWearer · 22/04/2013 09:32

No, not normal IMO and IME.

My DH works very long hours too and is barely here Monday to Friday.

At weekends he doesn't do much, but he does take on responsibility for about 50% of meals, even if it's just ordering/collecting a takeaway one night. He usually cooks one meal at least, if not two. He mows the lawn and will watch the DCs playing in the garden whilst he does that or tinkers with his bike. He goes to the dry cleaner (it's all his clothes so if he wants it before Monday, that's up to him) and washes his sports kit.

He will also offer me a coffee/wine/G&T at the appropriate junctures, assist with bedtime and do at least one bath time. And I sometimes get a lie-in.

And I thought my DH was lazy...I guess he does more than I thought.

givemeaclue · 22/04/2013 09:32

No. We work as a team. Its not normal, have you discussed with him?

TheBookofRuth · 22/04/2013 09:34

DH and I share the lie-ins, and while he never cooks, he always clears up afterwards. If he's home in time, which is rare, he bathes DD and puts her to bed - and he always does so at the weekend.

I am also a SAHM and he does very long days - leaves at 6am and gets back some 14+ hours later - but he still wouldn't dream of leaving everything to me.

LilRedWG · 22/04/2013 09:34

I totally agree that you should be getting one lie in each every weekend. You both work hard and both need a rest.

Book a babysitter for this weekend and get out!

pictish · 22/04/2013 09:36

Not after the 1950s no.

One lie in each at the weekend. There is no other fair way.

LilRedWG · 22/04/2013 09:36

Also, have a proper discussion with your DH about splitting tasks.

mummy2benji · 22/04/2013 09:40

I think it would be reasonable to each have a lie in at the weekend. And does he play with the children? At age 6 they need to be having some Daddy time. Does he clean the cars because he thinks they need cleaning or because he wants a bit of space and time to his own thoughts? There is nothing wrong with that, but once he's had a bit of space it would be good to then all do something as a family - go for a trip to a museum or a park or for a walk. Maybe you could sit down and have a chat about how to organise your weekends and get some better quality time. My dh and I have blue jobs and pinks jobs - blue are his, pink are mine! Pink jobs are cooking and housework and laundry, blue jobs include putting the rubbish out, feeding and cleaning out the rabbits. I used to get quietly resentful about doing all the housework and feeling unappreciated, but eventuallly realised that it doesn't get any better unless you both sit down and talk about it.

PogoBob · 22/04/2013 09:41

No, not normal. Other way you round here as DH is the SaHP but when we're both here we split the chores and childcare between us

raspberryroop · 22/04/2013 09:51

Unless you home school and or have a huge house what are you doing while the kids are at school and DH is at work ? Its about availble spare time really isn't it. If you are doing an hours house work a day then your own thing including the gardening cant really see your grip with him washing the car in the sunshine while you make lunch ? I mean how long does Lunch take ? You really should have all the household stuff done in the week IMO if you do not work.

Original poster

Margetts · 22/04/2013 10:14

Thank you for all your opinions. He is not a complete ogre and we do things as a family. Most weekends we go for a walk or out on our bikes. he does take out son to play golf and gets then to help him with DIY. This weekend we went thought to see Walking with Dinosaurs in Glasgow which was fantastic. My gripe was he feel asleep when we came home and I had to get dinner.
I will bite the bullet and sit down and talk to him. I would just like to be brought a glass of wine or a coffee!!

OP posts:

pictish · 22/04/2013 10:17

Did he drive to the dinosaur thing?

I sometimes forget to take my dh driving into account. Navigating the Edinburgh traffic is no mean feat. He doesn't enjoy it one bit.

Original poster

Margetts · 22/04/2013 11:12

He drove there and I drove home again!

OP posts:

raspberryroop · 22/04/2013 12:40

But what DO you do during the day ??

DeepRedBetty · 22/04/2013 17:59

She does all the things the rest of us pay childminders, cleaners, gardeners, painters and decorators etc for. Once you've taken them to school it's only five hours until you've got to go and get them back again, and that for only about 180 days of the year. Sure you're not Xenia in disguise raspberryroop?

LineRunner · 22/04/2013 18:10

What does the OP 'DO' all day - the whole 'free' 5 hours?

All the stuff that needs doing. Laundry for four people. Shopping and cooking for four people. Cleaning for four people. Paperwork for a household of four people. School events. Appointments at doctor and dentist. House repairs. Decorating. Gardening. Bins. Staying in for deliveries. Pets to vets. Booking and organising stuff. Gin.

Toasttoppers · 22/04/2013 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spero · 22/04/2013 18:29

You are not dealing with decorators, gardeners, cleaners etc EVERY day.

Sorry, but I don't accept that mothers at home of school age children are swept off their feet every single minute of every single school day. I manage to sort out life and house etc in the evenings/weekends as a single parent working full time.

But I agree the weekend situation doesn't sound fair. You should at least have one lie in each and be making cups of tea for each other etc.

Yama · 22/04/2013 18:40

You know, my dh made an observation about me recently - he said "you like to be served don't you?" All very good natured but yes, I do like to be brought drinks and have people wait on me. Thought it was normal.

I do a lot of cooking and it's my way of balancing out the serving.

I don't give this a lot of thought but I do clock it iyswim?

LineRunner · 22/04/2013 18:43

Spero, I mean that the average SAHM is doing the cleaning, gardening, decorating etc. not dealing with tradesmen a la Margot Leadbetter.

Original poster

Margetts · 22/04/2013 18:46

I don't expect my DH to do much at the weekend, but occasionally putting out the bins or unpacking the dishwasher wouldn't go a miss!!
I admit during the week I do go to the gym 2 mornings a week but DH either goes to the gym or plays golf at the weekend and often goes to the football which I don't mind.
I also help at school 2 mornings a week, take the walking club and in the summer cut 2 neighbours grass.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 22/04/2013 18:50

p.s. I am a working single mother and we live in an absolute tiphole because there are just not enough hours in the day.

Spero · 22/04/2013 18:52

Ok, unless you have a massive house and garden how much decorating and gardening are you doing in a day?? Seriously, FIVE hours a day spent washing, painting, weeding, baking, etc, etc? If you are spending five hours a day five days a week doing this you seriously need to think about outsourcing or moving to a smaller place.

And how is it five hours? I am back from school run by 9.10am and leave at 3.20pm. So nearer six if you are close to the school.

I need two hours a day to cope with day to day maintenance, washing, paperwork, shopping etc. School run takes half an hour. So on any week days off I have many hours in which to relax and do what I want.

If the garden is so massive it is taking loads of time, you need to think about getting a gardener.

I don't think someone who works outside the home should have to undertake 50% of domestic chores during the week but there should be more parity during the weekend and a lot less sloping off to wash the car in peace.

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