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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Am I expecting too much from my husband?

40 replies

Margetts · 22/04/2013 09:25

I am a stay at home mum with 6 year old twins, and particularly at the weekends I feel I do all the child care. My husband does work long hours, so I get up early in the morning at the weekends so he can have a long lie. I don't mind this as I am usually awake anyway. After this I will prepare all the meals, clear up afterwards, make the beds and keep things tidy as the day goes on. Most of the time I don't mind but I would really like to be brought a coffee or a gin and tonic. The only thing he does every night is put one of the children to bed.

I don't mind most of the time, but when I suggest we go out for a meal he doesn't want to. On the rare occasion we have a takeaway I am the one who organises it and drives to collect it.

The only thing he seems to do regularly every weekend is wash and clean the cars! I wouldn't mind but when he is out in the sunshine I'm stuck in the kitchen getting lunch.

Is the normal for a stay at home mum to do all domestic chores and the gardening ( which I do enjoy)?

OP posts:

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Spero · 23/04/2013 07:37

You say 'attacking', I say 'offer another perspective'. I agree there is no need to get up at 6.30 unless you want to. I stay in bed until 8 at weekends - if my daughter wants to get up earlier, that's up to her.

SingleMama · 22/04/2013 21:58

Hi Margetts
I was just reading through posts a bit. I don't know why some people on these threads feel the need to attack the OP and devalue her point of view. I think that happens enough offline. Mumsnet is for supportive advice- not criticism!
If you feel that you are doing too much, you definitely are doing too much.
Work out a new plan by yourself that would suit you best. Then try & negotiate with your partner. Some partners are always tired, always complaining (sometimes manipulating?) while the other partner does all the worrying and most of the work. I would say he needs to shape up or ship out! ;-)

SingleMama · 22/04/2013 21:38

Sounds like he's expecting too much from you...

FoundAChopinLizt · 22/04/2013 20:56

Sometimes I say to dh 'ask me if I want a drink'.

He says 'do you want a drink?'

Etc..

Drinks always taste better if they are offered by and made by someone else.

FoundAChopinLizt · 22/04/2013 20:38

I smell a burning martyr. Twins must have been very hard work when they were little, but you can give yourself some slack now.

Sometimes people do not show appreciation by actually saying they appreciate you. It's possible that dh does, but thinks he is demonstrating that by earning the money, sex or spending time with you. It's more important that you value what you do yourself.

One question

Why are you up at 6.30 if you don't want to be. You could lie in with dh at weekends? My dcs could sort out cereal at that age.

Many on here would consider you privileged to have the choice to stay at home. Make the most of it. Make time for your interests whilst they are at school, and get the housework/weekend meals sorted before the weekend, that way you can both enjoy yourselves. For example, you can make soup in the week and an extra bolognaise and freeze it. Have a picnic and prepare it together.

To get dh to pull his weight, try saying 'I'll do the garden this morning, what were you planning to do with the boys?' or similar. If he's refusing to lift a finger then he is BU.

Are you in two minds about going back to work?

raspberryroop · 22/04/2013 20:37

And Its the 'I have to make lunch inside while he cleans the cars' like your the fecking little match girl - make a sandwich put on plate eat outside - oh yes - HE CLEANS THE CARS - add that to list of things he does do.

raspberryroop · 22/04/2013 20:30

And am I Xenia - well no I'm but kicking better that Xenia

raspberryroop · 22/04/2013 20:27

You have 25 hours a week to yourself unless you have OCD and you say he works long hours and puts one child to bed. And you resent him lying in till ohhh 9.30??? Has it not occurred to you, you don't go out for meals because he's tired !!

Margetts · 22/04/2013 20:19

Raspberryroop I don't resent him going to the gym, golf or football.

OP posts:

Spero · 22/04/2013 20:15

He is completely taking the piss on the weekends, there I agree. You need to have a talk.

raspberryroop · 22/04/2013 20:13

Cutting the neighbours grass and helping out at school ??? Loving this idea that 5 hours a day 5 days a week is just no time at all. You also go to the gym but resent him doing it in his off time. I don't think you should do everything at weekends but you are feeling undervalued because you are under employed - I don't mean that you should get a job but do something that makes you value you.

My Dh was a sahh for 4 years - and yes I lay in at weekends and did a lot of my own stuff because he had time during the day - its about available free time to do things that please you and relax you.

Margetts · 22/04/2013 20:02

I don't expect housework to be done by him, but as I mentioned unpacking the dishwasher or emptying the bin, or collecting a take away.
This Sunday he didn't wake up till 9.30 and complained how badly he had slept - I had been up since 6.30!!
During the week I am downstairs making his breakfast and packed lunch for him while he is in the shower.
Sorry for moaning I am just feeling slightly under valued at the moment!

OP posts:

Spero · 22/04/2013 19:02

Ok, it may help that I am massively anal and gain more pleasure from tidying my bookcases and codifying my do to lists than even rubbing oil into James Marsters.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/04/2013 19:01

I think the OP's point is that at the weekend she is still doing all the chores while her DH does other things. And that is not on.

LineRunner · 22/04/2013 18:56

Maybe I feel I need, cumulatively, about a thousand hours to ever catch up.

Spero · 22/04/2013 18:52

Ok, unless you have a massive house and garden how much decorating and gardening are you doing in a day?? Seriously, FIVE hours a day spent washing, painting, weeding, baking, etc, etc? If you are spending five hours a day five days a week doing this you seriously need to think about outsourcing or moving to a smaller place.

And how is it five hours? I am back from school run by 9.10am and leave at 3.20pm. So nearer six if you are close to the school.

I need two hours a day to cope with day to day maintenance, washing, paperwork, shopping etc. School run takes half an hour. So on any week days off I have many hours in which to relax and do what I want.

If the garden is so massive it is taking loads of time, you need to think about getting a gardener.

I don't think someone who works outside the home should have to undertake 50% of domestic chores during the week but there should be more parity during the weekend and a lot less sloping off to wash the car in peace.

LineRunner · 22/04/2013 18:50

p.s. I am a working single mother and we live in an absolute tiphole because there are just not enough hours in the day.

Margetts · 22/04/2013 18:46

I don't expect my DH to do much at the weekend, but occasionally putting out the bins or unpacking the dishwasher wouldn't go a miss!!
I admit during the week I do go to the gym 2 mornings a week but DH either goes to the gym or plays golf at the weekend and often goes to the football which I don't mind.
I also help at school 2 mornings a week, take the walking club and in the summer cut 2 neighbours grass.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 22/04/2013 18:43

Spero, I mean that the average SAHM is doing the cleaning, gardening, decorating etc. not dealing with tradesmen a la Margot Leadbetter.

Yama · 22/04/2013 18:40

You know, my dh made an observation about me recently - he said "you like to be served don't you?" All very good natured but yes, I do like to be brought drinks and have people wait on me. Thought it was normal.

I do a lot of cooking and it's my way of balancing out the serving.

I don't give this a lot of thought but I do clock it iyswim?

Spero · 22/04/2013 18:29

You are not dealing with decorators, gardeners, cleaners etc EVERY day.

Sorry, but I don't accept that mothers at home of school age children are swept off their feet every single minute of every single school day. I manage to sort out life and house etc in the evenings/weekends as a single parent working full time.

But I agree the weekend situation doesn't sound fair. You should at least have one lie in each and be making cups of tea for each other etc.

Toasttoppers · 22/04/2013 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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LineRunner · 22/04/2013 18:10

What does the OP 'DO' all day - the whole 'free' 5 hours?

All the stuff that needs doing. Laundry for four people. Shopping and cooking for four people. Cleaning for four people. Paperwork for a household of four people. School events. Appointments at doctor and dentist. House repairs. Decorating. Gardening. Bins. Staying in for deliveries. Pets to vets. Booking and organising stuff. Gin.

DeepRedBetty · 22/04/2013 17:59

She does all the things the rest of us pay childminders, cleaners, gardeners, painters and decorators etc for. Once you've taken them to school it's only five hours until you've got to go and get them back again, and that for only about 180 days of the year. Sure you're not Xenia in disguise raspberryroop?

raspberryroop · 22/04/2013 12:40

But what DO you do during the day ??

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