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Parenting

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Original poster

Does anyone feel that others lie about how hard parenting is?

88 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 09/03/2013 08:41

DD is the best thing that ever happened to me but I am always honest about how hard I find parenting; the lack of sleep, the mess, the power struggles and missing my old life. All of this does not mean I love her any less. I guess most people just get on with it rather than moaning about it like me! I guess I feel guilty for missing my old life at times but at the same time I wouldn't swap my life for anything in the world! Hope this makes sense? I find it confusing.

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Purplecatti · 09/03/2013 08:43

I feel the same. It's not crazy, just honest.

ChestyLeRoux · 09/03/2013 08:44

You feel like it a bit with your first.Nowadays I can hardly remember a time with them.I had our first at 23 though so it just feels normal.

JakeBullet · 09/03/2013 08:45

Its like anything I think, some people find parenting a breeze and have an easy sweet tempered child or children. Most of us fall somewhere below yhat though ......I know I do. It IS hard work and not appreciated nearly enough.

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poocatcherchampion · 09/03/2013 08:45

I think that people find it different. I don't miss my old life and I'm not sleep deprived. the monotony gets to me from time to time but I can deal with that.

BigRedBox · 09/03/2013 08:47

I don't always think people lie but I do think some babies are easier than others. My first two ds's slept 7-7 from 6 weeks and were verrrry chilled out babies during the day, easy to take them out for meals, shopping etc so I thought it was fairly easy

Then they hit toddlerhood properly and everything changed and then a few years later dd came along, she was a clingy baby (still is), doesn't sleep well, hates sitting in cafes, going into shops etc etc etc.

If your only experience of parenthood was my ds's as babies you would think it was quite straightforward and wonder what all the fuss was about

targaryen24 · 09/03/2013 08:47

I think people feel they shouldn't miss the way things were/find their current situation so hard when you've chosen to have kids & are mostly happy with being a parent.

I felt like I was literally lamenting the loss of my old life when my DS came along...and I loved him to bits and then some, which really confused me! Plus I felt constantly guilty & it wasn't until I went on a mum's night out with some of the girls that they all started venting about toddlers etc & I realized I wasn't the only one

But like I said, it doesn't mean you love them any less & is a fairly normal reaction considering how hard it can be and how much your life changes at first.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/03/2013 08:52

It annoys me when DP moans about being a parent. It just seems...immature somehow. Especially as he wanted a baby.

And I dont get the people who expect their families to give them time off at the weekend. I know two sets of people like this. They think its their right to have a break from fri-sun night. Its not.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/03/2013 08:53

Sorry, posted too soon.

But being a parenlt is hard, and anyone who says its not is lying.

KateDillington · 09/03/2013 08:57

I feel like this and worry that maybe I'm just a terrible mother.

I don't enjoy it and I'm not overwhelmed with love either tbh.

Mine are older children now and I still feel the same.

I resent giving up my career / money / friendships and sometimes wish hadn't had children.

They are great kids buy I don't think ithas anything to do with me...

MrsBucketxx · 09/03/2013 09:02

oh kate sounds like your pretty miserable, maybe finding something for yourself would help.

it is hard especially when you have two mardy toddlers and dh is at work,

anyone says different must haveva very laid back child.

targaryen24 · 09/03/2013 09:14

(I'd like to point out I did have undiagnosed PND for a long time after DS was born...didn't realize until he started sleeping through at a year old and I still felt like a pile of crap etc...but then I think that's because I did it solo & was only in my early 20s. It's always worth getting it checked out if you're feeling desperately unhappy with things, despite loving your DC. Wish I'd done it sooner, as I missed a lot of lovely things in that first year from being so low).

Sorry for the downer!

ssd · 09/03/2013 09:18

all the parents who tell me how much they love being with their kids usually hand them over to gran/mil/anyone who'll have them, the first chance they get

if you never get a break its totally different to having weekends and days to yourself regularly

TheSecondComing · 09/03/2013 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sioda · 09/03/2013 09:29

As others have said part of it is that some people only had easy babies and have no clue what it's like for the rest of us! Others definitely gloss over the reality. I can almost see why because you can get so much judgment for it. What bothers me most now is the lack of time to do anything else. It's just a constant conveyor belt of work to be done. I see some of my friends with babies who'll crawl around happily by themselves playing or sit in a high chair while we have lunch. While DD tries to launch herself off head first and make friends with the people at the next table. I love her mad little personality to bits but it is physically and mentally knackering all day long.

She's 10 months and finally sleeps through with usually just one wake up. Sleep has a huge amount to do with it. People who've had good sleepers just don't get how it affects you. Nor do childless people (who don't have insomnia!). At least I do get lots of sympathy because people can see how hard work she is. It might also be that it is hard to explain to people who don't have kids yet just why it's so hard. My sister for example babysits and doesn't really get that actually being her mum 24/7 is a very different kettle of fish. The responsibility, the way her cries affect me, the constant planning ahead and organisation, the making decisions about how to deal with every new 'thing' (like this week it's biting and flinging herself backwards to avoid nappy changing). Knowing that the buck stops with you makes it totally different to babysitting, no matter how much she loves her. Some people don't want to hear the bad bits. Definitely getting regular breaks helps even if it's just a couple of hours to leave the house by yourself. And I just keep reminding myself that it's (hopefully) just a few years until I'll have time to do other things again... I think it just takes time to get the aspects of your old life that you miss back into your new life.

juneau · 09/03/2013 09:34

I think most people don't want to be moaning minnies, so they don't talk about it unless you specifically ask or trade 'my awful morning' stories! I also assume that everyone is going through the same shit, so I don't feel the need to bang on about it. Yes, some DC are harder than others, but even reasonably easy DC have their moments or phases of being hard work. Better to focus on the more enjoyable parts of life than the drudgery tho' IMO and to keep it in perspective. When I'm having a particularly shit day and the kids are driving me mad I try to remind myself that it's just a few years. One day they'll have left home and have their own lives and I'll probably miss them like hell!

targaryen24 · 09/03/2013 09:40

I think when your DC is a bad sleeper but a joy in the day people don't register it when you say he doesn't sleep. I mean he does not sleep

(but mine had clubfoot and wears a bar & boots at night, so he'll wake periodically until he's 4 and can sleep without it...which people also don't register as he seems fine in the day so it's like a very invisible type of special needs).

targaryen24 · 09/03/2013 09:41

I think i am a moaning minnie
I am dead lucky, I swear. He's laid back in the day too & can't help having clubfoot, so I feel bad for moaning, but then I suppose that proves my point of not moaning so you don't feel bad!

Meglet · 09/03/2013 09:43

I'm always moaning . But some kids are easier than others, I struck gold with good eating habits, confidence and (so far) intelligence for mine. Whereas I could supernanny them for 100yrs and they wouldn't actually behave for me.

I'm tired though as I'm a LP. I hate not being able to sleep or leave the house without having to take them with me and dealing with all the meltdowns. Yes, we have to go out in a bit, yes, I'm delaying it, yes I would much rather be at the gym. .

theborrower · 09/03/2013 09:44

A friend said having her baby was the best thing that ever happened to her, but I told her I couldn't really say that. Because I had a an EMCS, mild PND, struggled with BFing because of tongue tie etc, felt like a terrible mother, put a strain on my relationship with my husband etc - those were obviously NOT the best things that have ever happened to me.

I don't lie about mothering being difficult, because sometimes it really is. Maybe everyone just had an easier time.

BUT I love her to bits and wouldn't give her back. Things also get easier. It takes time to adjust to what is the biggest life change you can imagine.

But I do think people gushing about wonderful their babies are all the time are surely fibbing a wee bit, aren't they?!

TheSecondComing · 09/03/2013 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

targaryen24 · 09/03/2013 09:46

Sorry to hear that TSC

It is tough when nearly everyone else's start sleeping through/sleeping better and you're still up a lot. Those wakings, however short, make a difference!

TheMaskedHorror · 09/03/2013 09:55

Nobody I know has made out that parenting is a breeze. Although we don't constantly moan, I'm well aware of the things that friends find difficult and vice versa.
As long as you have lots of good times too, its totally normal.

I agree with the not moaning so you don't feel bad.

If you go on about how wonderful she is, all the clever things she can do and how much she cuddles you etc you may get a different feeling.

SnowyWellies · 09/03/2013 10:10

I think people feel ashamed if they do not toe the party line about having children, so they try not to moan. It is incredibly difficult. I did not have my first until I was in mid-30s and naively thought I would not regret the loss of my previous life, because I have had a really adventurous, lucky and happy life. So I thought i would settle in with no regrets.

I think I had pnd, but was so stressed out trying to make out it was all perfect that I was in denial. You love them, hugely, but that still does not mean you do not wish they would vanish and you could have a day of your old life back.

I recall once having coffee with a colleague who seemed to have it all- the baby, the affectionate husband who seemed to sail into fatherhood (where DH did not) who came back from mat leave TO a promotion (I stagnated) and she asked me if i would have another. In a fit of honesty i said that there was no way. If we did, we would divorce because we really barely surived DC1. Then it all came out- how hard it was, how they were having marital counselling, how sometimes she wanted to get on a train to scotland and just vanish from her life. That was when i realised that it is like this for most people, and we all are trying maintain a facade.

We have hit our stride now as parents, and have had more DCs, and i am really in a good place. But it was hard. Not hard work...I do not recall working at it, more enduring but everything seems now to have slipped into place and I am loving being a mother and a parent. I ALWAYS love them to fight to the death for them- that is what you do- but for now it is easy.

Sioda · 09/03/2013 10:10

I think parents are relatively honest with each other, it's before you have kids yourself and while pregnant that most people sugar-coat it.

feckawwf · 09/03/2013 10:16

I think it's perfectly normal to feel this way, I became a Mum at 19 I now have 3 dcs, the youngest is 2.

Whilst I love my children with all my heart and would never change my life I long for lie ins, toilet trips alone, meals in peace, holidays with just DH, time for me and my husband.

I think generally those that don't whinge about it or act like their lives are perfect are the ones that are the most miserable!

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