Does anyone feel that others lie about how hard parenting is?

[superstarheartbreaker]

DD is the best thing that ever happened to me but I am always honest about how hard I find parenting; the lack of sleep, the mess, the power struggles and missing my old life. All of this does not mean I love her any less. I guess most people just get on with it rather than moaning about it like me! I guess I feel guilty for missing my old life at times but at the same time I wouldn't swap my life for anything in the world! Hope this makes sense? I find it confusing.

My first baby was very easy and a good sleeper and I was suprised by how easy it was. Easier than I was expecting, I mean.
My second was a horrible pregnancy, slightly prem, in NICU, had trouble breastfeeding, is whiney and clinging, vomitted constantly for six months and at a year old still isn't sleeping through. Between that and the five year old, I feel at the end of my tether sometimes. It is really fucking hard. I love them both but sometimes wonder if I should have had the second, because it's turned out to be like ten times more work.

I was convinced that I was a shit mother, and making very heavy weather of DS, because he was so bloody difficult from day one (think 2 hours sleep in 24 hours, feeding or screaming the rest of the time, then when he got a bit older, he would sleep more, but only in 45 minute chunks. Standing up at 5 months and cruising the furniture, walking at 9 months, tantrumming from 8 months, just generally a very very full on child)

Then DD came along, and is a normal baby. She sometimes sleeps! And is happy! And we realised that some babies truly are more work than others.

Friends that go on about how blissful parenting is always have laid back babies who sleep well, in my experience!

I have a pretty easy, happy 16 month old DS who sleeps well and a great supportive family and dh...and I still found the first year absolutely horrendous. I did have PND and while I feel much better now, I still have my moments. DS was sick last night and wanted dh rather than me and I will always torture myself that it's because I was such a rubbish mum in that first year

I make a big deal about being honest about how tough I found becoming a parent - there is this myth and almost festishising of the natural earth mother, or yummy mummy, or any of that kind of bollocks, and it pisses me off. All it does is make most of us feel shite for not being able to live up to it. Must admit, that it's me who puts the most pressure on myself to be 'perfect', it's madness.

We've decided we're not going to try for a second child until DS is 2.5 as the thought of a newborn and a toddler terrifies me, I genuinely think I couldn't cope. I love DS more than anything and think he's the most perfect thing I've ever seen...but I do love getting a break from the relentless responsibility of being his mother

I think the best preparation I had for being a parent was having been nearly 3 days without sleep, so I knew how you start to hallucinate and are desperate to lie down, acquiring various disabilities which are fairly minor but affect every part of my life, so I'd already had to rethink how I do anything, and spending many nights at the house of family with small kids, so I witnessed bedtime routines and.getting ready for school, with three children.

Which all made me try to build a local support network to get as much help and adult contact as possible. Which wasn't that much.

I don't think I could have been better prepared without taking time off from work to get physically fit! But one thing that repeatedly gets on my wick is when MrNC is constantly surprised at time and effort the kids take. He does it, but keeps saying no-one told him what small.children are like - some talking to friends showed that women get mothers/aunts/random women telling them about parenting in a doom-laden way, since they were tiny, but small boys and men don't get that. Lot of them didn't even know.about their own birth, whereas I don't know any woman who couldn't tell you a story about her own birth and how heavy she was.

Am 'old' now and DCs grown up. It was 2007 when my youngest left home and boy what a shock (DH was away) - I could watch what I wanted on the box and didn't have to sit through men's rubbish, I could eat what I wanted .... I could eat fishfingers for tea every night and almost never go to the supermarket, in fact I could eat sandwiches every night and never cook!!!! I could do some washing or I could leave it for a fortnight. I only had to consider me, me, me ..... it was absolute bliss and still is. So little children aren't forever, mums, your lazy time will come.

But the biggest shock was that some people ie those without DCs, had this selfish life always! (unless you have another responsibility like elderly rellies, mad dog etc - just saying before I get bombarded with comments )

Kveta I totally agree with you, some babies, and some children are harder than other babies/children. Often it's down to potluck, and yet somebody with a 'text book' baby will be giving you loads of advice on how to do it all better, except, your baby and your toddler haven't read the book! I had one child who was ok in the day but very hard to sleep, and then dc2 has a dx of autism, but was borderline and not obvious. he was a difficult baby/child. and the dynamic between the two of them is quite strained too. But i will regularly receive parenting advice from people with one easy child. Smile and nod, smile and nod as they say, and then pour wine.

Triplets

I have one 21 weeks DD - good sleeper and fairly contented but this is the hardest thing I've done. I mourn my old selfish life.

So many things said above ring true. I don't think people are that honest about it - maybe because until you have your own it's just hard to imagine. I mean my DH struggles to realise how hard I'm finding it all - as he's not on call 24/7 and can still escape out to work etc.

Even with an 'easy' baby I still find the sheer responsibility in itself hard. But then today dd was so cute. I told her it was mother's day and she got very excited. She then said that she was sorry for calling me a 'mean mummy' and mabe today we could be friends and not fight. We almost did it. She did call me poo poo lady once or twice and I got wacked but otherwise it was so cute! I also got a beautiful home made card. Normally we spend a great deal of time yelling at each other! She is nearly 5.

I was on a personal development course recently and we all had to say why we had decided to go on the course.

I said " I find parenting really hard and stressful and it's really nice to have a day just thinking about me"

I was sitting with a group of young women,none of whom had children,

and when I said this there was silence and tumbleweed....... I don't think it's something many mums admit to to non parents.

I certainly can't remember hearing about parenting being hard before I had children and although people joked about sleepless nights and even though I saw children in public and interacted with children in other people's houses (occasionally)- I had no idea what it was actually like to live with children 24/7.

"Relentless" really does sum it up.

Also when people at work say did you have a nice weekend or a nice break, I want to point out "work is my break" and what's good about a weekend when you're getting up at 6, being moaned at, whinged at, demanded to do something, told you're a mean mummy because you are not fufilling every demand straight away, separating fighting children, positioning self between fighting children again, preparing countless snacks/meals, clearing up mess, trying to speak above the noise, failing to be listened to, trying to entertain bored children (only 6 hours to go before bedtime) etc.

No more lying in bed till ten, reading the papers, having a fry-up- that's a good weekend.

Still the hours after bedtime are BLISS!

It really depends on the baby... I can honestly hand on heart say that DD was / is an easy baby (now toddler)

I was told so many horror stories I was expecting to be up all night, covered in sick, crying with her at the end of my tether and was totally ready for it. But she was never sick. At all. And slept through from an army age, and from birth fed no less than four hours apart and went straight back to sleep. Never cried. Content to sit alone and stare at her feet :) happy to sit in restaurants, and even as a toddler never makes a mess or has tantrums or runs off....

But I was expecting her to be none of the above.

And I can never tell people in real life how brilliant she is because they just think we're lying and this child they're witnessing sit quietly in a nice restaurant while we have a 3 course meal is just a fluke.

(expecting DD 2.... And under no illusion that it will be as easy this time!!)

The least you do for a baby is a lot as my mil would say.
And annoyingly she is correct :)
Even the most placid even tempered babies need night feeds, constant care, get ill and cause worry and stress.
Add more children to the mix - ESP toddlers - and you have all the ingredients for hell on earth IMHO.

Yes.

Can't be any more articulate at the moment I'm afraid, as I am so knackered. But yes, I think you're right.

I am pregnant and EVERYbody has told meow hard it will be and how ill never have a life again.
A few have also said afterwards "it is also really rewarding" but mostly parents just go on about how hard it is and all the horror stories about never sleeping again, giving up all our interests and hobbies and my career :(

Btw. No one person has told me having a baby is wonderful. They've all told me its hard relentless and soul destroying. They all live their kids and many have more than one but the general approach to a pregnant woman seems to be to ensure she's as shit scared about being a parent as possible :(

badguider It will be hard, it will be tiring- you may just be about to embark on the biggest love affair of your life though

badguider and while I know it's not great for all I loved giving birth and the baby part was wonderful.

I don't find it so easy when they start answering back but for many it's the other way around

Op, I feel exactly like you. On a day to day basis I find things tough, but my DC's are the best thing ever. It is contradictory and I feel guilty feeling so bad.

I never found the early weeks/months difficult. I tended to adapt to life with a newborn rather than getting stressed by it, for example by having an afternoon nap myself, and never trying to get back to "normal". I had certain values that I stuck with, such as "no foreign proteins" before 9 months. Other than that, fairly lax.

It worked for me through five children. There are bigger challenges when doing GCSEs and A-levels.

I'm about to give birth to my first, and I've also been told the awful
Stories throughout my pregnancy. It's been a big contribution to my antenatal depression, and yesterday i met a friend for coffee and a chat who ended up making me cry in front of everyone in the cafe, all the way home on the bus and even now, I'm still crying because of her horror stories.

I genuinely wish I'd never gotten pregnant. I'm terrified. Because of what I've been told and read, i have pretty much convinced/accepted that I've ruined my life. I have a supportive partner and family thank
God, but sometimes think that if it's as bad as folk are making out, then I'll leave, run away, anything. That's how scared I am. And don't even get me started on impending child birth.

This is the effect the stories are having on me. I'm miserable and beyond terrified. I had no idea it would be so bad/hard :(

I think that some of it is about knowing yourself and your limitations. I've never been a very maternal person, and didn't expect to be particularly blown away by the wonderfulness of having my own baby, but was still really taken aback when I didn't much enjoy ds being a tiny baby (and he was as babies go pretty easy). I felt that I was somehow letting him down. Luckily dh told me not to be so silly, and we found a lovely nanny who did think that babies were the best thing ever, and I went back to work.

Some mothers love every aspect of mothering, some love some parts and not others,some enjoy most times and hate others. Some babies are easy, some seem to match their parents and some don't (e.g. ds was an independent baby and dd was very clingy, but if I'd been an attached parenting sort of mother I would have found her very easy I think).

Thank you for this thread op. I'm sat with my 3wk old pfb asleep on me, not daring to go upstairs because she's bound to wake, wondering if this is normal. Now I know the answer is pretty much yes!

People should be more honest about this! I was very geared up for labour but didn't anticipate exactly how relentless this parenting lark would be. I knew there would be sleeplessness, that I would struggle to bf, that bits of my body would be knocked for six by the experience, etc. But I hadn't really connected all those together into one 'relentless' experience iykwim. Or anticipated that, even on the hours days when things are mostly ok, a truckload of hormones will come and run you over regardless.

Kasey the thing is that if people tell you the truth then you can be prepared for anything. And if you don't find it that bad you'll feel great! Look at curiousgeorgie's story - there's no reason that that couldn't be you...

If I'd been told honestly how hard it can be I would have done a lot of things differently. With no family near us I would have taken out a loan to get a nanny for at least a few hours a few days a week to get a break. I would have moved house from our one-bed apartment before she arrived, sorted my car out (no one told me how grim it is relying on buses with a pram), ordered more takeaways, got a microwave and dishwasher. They're all things we could have afforded to do luckily for us but once she'd arrived it felt like an enormous task to sort out things like that. You could look on the positive side of your friend scaring you by asking her what you could do that she thinks might make it easier/better for you. I'm sure she has ideas about what she'd do differently. It's all about time-saving, labour-saving and getting regular breaks as far as I'm concerned.

I know it has been talked about before on MN, but also people should talk about how you do not neccessarily fall in love with your baby at first. Because it is overwhleming and scary and all so new. I think with DC 1- while I gave him all the physical and emotional needs, cuddles, kisses, holding close, etc, I did not really 'get it' until about 3 months in. Then it was like being hit by a truck. I LOVED him, of course, but I really GOT the mad tigerish love after about 3 months. I felt so guilty because i was not so baby blissed out that people told me would happen. it did happen- just took a while for me to settle in, become more confident, and then it happened.

kasey - have no expectations. Just take it as it comes. I was exactly how you are with my first pg. I was terrified of giving birht. I was not at all sure that we had made the right decision- I wanted more time to be free- and I recall thinking once while pregnant that all I wanted to do was run away, but if I did the baby had to come too. But honestly, it is all ever so much better than you fear.

For birth- talk over your fears with your midwife and be very clear how you want to be supported by them. It really will be fine. And with a supportive partner and family then do not be afraid to ask for that support. I was so scared of everything that i ended up being a bit of a control freak with the baby, and would not let anyone do anything. And really suffered from that. Ask for support and help. Don't be afraid.

I think some women lie and lie and lie about how easy and wonderful new motherhood is. Particularly to other first time mums.

Not very sisterly really.

snowy I've never had the 'tigerish' rush of love for mine, and they're 6 and 4. Looking back as they were born by section, I was more concerned about us both being alive afterwards than any other emotions. Maybe the delight at us both being ok each time overwhelmed any lovey dovey feelings. I did love them straight away though, but I was more focused on what the hell I was meant to be doing with a newborn .