Does anyone feel that others lie about how hard parenting is?

[superstarheartbreaker]

DD is the best thing that ever happened to me but I am always honest about how hard I find parenting; the lack of sleep, the mess, the power struggles and missing my old life. All of this does not mean I love her any less. I guess most people just get on with it rather than moaning about it like me! I guess I feel guilty for missing my old life at times but at the same time I wouldn't swap my life for anything in the world! Hope this makes sense? I find it confusing.

I think sometimes Thingie that it is because we are sold the idea that a mother has to be so much in love with their child, that they immediately become calm, patient, wise, in control etc, and so you think everyione else is handling it really well and you are all alone. I know that I only really started to talk openly about how hard it sometimes was a good two years in that other women opened up. It is like we are afraid of failing, so we fake it.

I am feeling a bit - I have never come across all these happy, jolly mothers in RL , maybe because my experience has been happy, all I hear is the miserable ones telling me how lucky I am... -

I think it depends on the child and on the mother's upbringing and previous life... I know I'm setting myself up for crappy teenage years , but I have found motherhood to be easy so far..

I was brought up as one of 4 - squabbling was common, so does not horrify me or try my patience...
We shared a bedroom (all 4 of us) so lack of personal space or time to myself has never been an issue for me, just a way of life...
Before kids I was in a job which required me to be on-call 24/7 for worldwide IT support - so often went without sleep, or was rushed off my feet..
I had 2 babies in 2 years, both of which have been good sleepers, relatively healthy, well behaved, good eaters who also manage to entertain themselves, both are clever and put effort into their schoolwork..

There are 2 sides to every story, so I wish people wouldn't paint such a bad picture of motherhood every time... all I hear is the "I get no sleep", "they are such fussy eaters", "why do they need ME there all the time" - some parents seem to be competitive in their misery, so I feel I have to just shut up and commiserate....

Someone very smart said on another thread that, while there is no direct analogy, the best one they could come up for the "hardness" of parenting, is that, of course, life with children is much harder work than life with none.

But then running a marathon, learning a new language, climbing a mountain, are all much harder work than choosing to lie on the sofa watching TV and eating biscuits all day. But much more fulfilling. Who is happier, the person who made an effort and achieved something, or the person who lazed around all day?

So it is with parenting.

As the psalm says, "Like as the arrows in the hand of the giant, even so are the young children. Blessed is the man that hath his quiver full of them."

Well my quiver isn't full of them (thank God for that, I would have a nervous breakdown). But I like the idea that children are a blessing that make you powerful and strong (once you survive the nightmare bits, at least.)

Here endeth the Lesson.

That's true. My life is definitely better for having children. At least, they are an utter joy and despite the craziness, the stress, the fear about getting them through their toddler years (and all their other years!) it really is the best thing ever.

All I heard was how kids ruin your life and i thought babies NEVER slept and screamed all the time so the reality was a pleasant shock! I have been lucky to have two healthy, easy babies though my eldest is a very full on toddler which I do find stressful at times.
But overall I'm so much happier for having them, life with them is great. Of course I'd love a lie in or a weekend away but it'll come in time.

My experience of baby groups is more that you get competitive moaning and I don't have much to contribute, luckily I've found some other mums who tend to be positive but are honest about the shit bits and that really helps!

I'm sure it sounds like competitive moaning to those who don't feel the need to moan. It's not about positivity. Some of us for dozens of reasons just do find it harder than others and it helps to talk to other people who feel the same. It's like people complaining about those who 'moan' about their difficult birth experience for painting a negative picture and scaring pregnant women. I've heard them described as engaging in competitive horror stories too. It's really insensitive. We're not 'painting a picture'. We're telling it like it is for us and there's no need for those who find it easier not to do the same. No one needs you to shut up and commiserate.

I feel the same, OP.
I suppose it's all subjective and depends on how hard you are on yourself.
I think I make things difficult for myself in a way because I get really anxious if I'm not doing everything 'perfectly' even though there is no perfect.

I'd like to be a more sort of Jeremy Kyle type mother who just sits around drinking whilst the child takes care of itself, but I just don't have it in me

Yes it's hard work and I'm one of those who complains occasionally about it, even though I really wanted DC. Still, no one can tell you what it's really like until you've experienced it all for yourself. If I'd had a crystal ball I'd probably have thought twice about having a family, tbh.

I get annoyed when people go on about how wonderful parenthood is. Yes it is, but not all the time for some parents.

Two friends of mine are expecting DC2 this year and I've said to both women that it will be hard work when the second one comes along. 'yes I know' she says....I'm definitely not one for sugar coating it.

I remember saying to a friend who was about to have her first:

"If you are struggling with no sleep and the full on constant nature of being a parent..."

She interupted me smiling to say "I know, it's not really that bad and it will soon be better".

"God no" I finished "it is that bad, but almost everyone else feels like that too, they may just not own up to it. It does get better, but it takes a while".

She looked like I had hit her up the face with a wet fish!

I did find one hard (she was quite a high needs baby) in the sense I was tired all the time, found toddler stage difficult, struggled with trying to entertain her at times but it wasn't until I had two that I found things really tough and started to cry a lot when I found it all too much, or lose my patience with DD1.

Now I find being on my own with one pretty easy esp DD2. It's all relative.

When I have regrets it is never about having one child, it is about the decision to have two.

I don't regret DD2 personally as she is "amazing" but I do find the dynamics of two very stressful

So to those expecting their first- I'd say don't be scared by the horror stories- You will understand them once you've had your baby for a while but you'll understand all the reasons why people go on to have more despite this too. (don't mean to sound patronize- it's hard to articulate).

Esp as I have a few mins till the school pick up!