Unconditional parenting peeps - WWYD in this situation?

[substitutemycokeforgin]

Or what would you have done, rather ... I know it's trivial in the scheme of things, but had a horrible situation with DD (7) yesterday. We were getting in the car to drive to a country park, she wouldn't put her wellies on as her siblings had done, but insisted on wearing her trainers. Recently she's been finding excuses not to wear her wellies, and wearing her trainers instead in all sorts of unsuitable muddy places and bringing them home a filthy wreck. I've had enough of this - she's not the one who has to clean them.

I said she could wear her trainers in the car but we needed to bring her wellies to wear in the park as it would be muddy. I don't think she really responded at this point, which was probably where the whole thing went wrong - I didn't get express agreement from her beforehand ... Anyway, cue arriving in the park, damp muddy day, and she refused point blank to put on the wellies. I explained that I wasn't prepared to wash muddy trainers yet again, shortening their life, when she has perfectly good wellies. We all wanted to get out of the car and into the park, including her, and I was urging her to think about it and do the right thing. I know she knew that by taking the wellies with us, that meant I expected her to wear them in the park. I tried to establish why she didn't want to wear them - made her legs uncomfortable, apparently, so I suggested getting long thick knee socks to avoid this, but she wouldn't agree to this either. In the end we turned round and drove home. I was calm with her and didn't shout, but made it clear what I expected her to do. But the day obviously didn't end well.

So I think I messed up, and I'm just looking for opinions/advice thrown into the ring here, really, on what I should have done instead without using bribes, punishments, rewards etc. Also, do you lovely UP people know of any dedicated forums for UP/AP parents? Thank you!!

Do share then

It's been linked to upthread, give.

Yep, already read all that. Still stand by my comments.

I am not a lazy parent. Quite the opposite. Lazy, to me, is shouting at your child to get things done, because it's the easy option. It's not the right way to do things, however.

Agree, shouting is not productive either

You don't have to shout to be insistent. Is that how you view parenting? Either shouting and screaming or giving up and going home? How about applying some adulthood to the situation instead of responding like a teenaged babysitter?

Well, several people on this thread have viewed shouting "PUT YOUR WELLIES ON!" as the solution here.

And I take it "insistent" means "threatening punishment", yes? Otherwise how do you insist in such a way that they comply? Genuinely interested to know.

Also, the dd is seven! Not seventeen! But its fine for her to refuse to co-operate with rest of family and spoil their day

Loving colditz's reply I think, from what I've seen on here, that UP, like Communism, is an absolutely fantastic ideal that doesn't seem to work in practise.

All of this on someone refusing to wear wellies??

I would have let her choose knowing that the next time she wants to wear her nice trainers they will be covered in mud.

Pick your arguments.... this was not worthy of any fuss.

She sounds like she knows she can just do as she pleases.

Those who would have insisted on the wellies, would your dc have then spent a happy day at the park?

Genuine question - my dd would have responded differently at that age / this situation. She would have worn the wellies without much persuasion, but would have been very s l o w to get anywhere and low level winge-y if she had cold sore feet, which wouldn't have been much fun for anyone.

You not have to hurt or frighten a child to get them to comply.

I wouldn't have shouted. I wouldn't have had to because a) my ratty six year old would not have left the house in posh shiny white tennis shoes and b) he has access to comfortable mud-wear that he doesn't complain about and c) if either of my children are unpleasant to the other, or ruin a day out with poor behavior, I take the injured party to the shop and buy him some chocolate, to be eaten wherever and whenever he wants.

Neither of them want to see their brother eating chocolate that has only been given because of their own bad behavior, so they deny their brother that pleasure by being pleasant whenever I take them out.

TAkver
I also have a 10 year old stepson, who never wants to comply. When he is made to (like putting on his wellies) within minutes he has forgotten about it and is having fun. He does not like to miss out on any fun that is being had!

Maybe girls like to strop for longer?

colditz, I am now slightly tickled by the thought that with a little forward planning and collaboration, your dc could both improve their chocolate consumption by taking turns to be unpleasant to one another

I wouldn't have shouted. I would have firmly said "put your wellies on or you don't go" and headed the whole hoo ha off before it started. There is a time and a place for reasoning with children and imho that wasn't it.

How many other children had their time out spoilt?

It seems to me like your other children have perhaps already learnt that DD7 gets her own way and are resigned to the situation.

Oh God, I unfortunately have worked with some people who were brought up like this. The shock to the system of being told to do something! Please give your children some boundaries, that doesn't mean shouting at them or threatening them, but you can't treat a 7 year old like an adult. It's not fair on them in the long-run.

Girl - it definitely depends with dd. If she's being randomly awkward, then she'll forget in minutes. The problem is that her awkwardness tends to be a cover for an underlying problem.

So eg having a massive strop about having the wrong shoes at 8.30 in the morning when the issue is that she feels that she hasn't done her homework well enough and that the teacher will be disappointed in her.

In that case there genuinely would be nothing wrong with the shoes, she's just anxious and unhappy and failing to express why.

In the OP situation, there obviously was a genuine footwear issue - in that case she probably would wear them and then be miserable with sore feet, if that makes sense.

Do all UP parents homeschool?
Honestly interested in the answer.

WillSingForCake - it does really depend on the child, though. I was a very compliant easygoing child, and therefore came into parenting expecting to run on the 'tell them what to do and they do it' mode. I have had to adjust my expectations and approach in the light of experience, shall we say . . .

Tak if I had insisted on wellies my 7yo DS would have been exactly as you describe and would have spoiled it for everyone. So I would have let him wear the trainers on the basis that if they were ruined tough and he would have to clean them after.

Mind you I am a pushover so I wouldn't listen to me

"Do all UP parents homeschool?
Honestly interested in the answer"

I tried to follow a lot of the central ideas of UP ( though I fall short loads).
I don't home school though sometimes I can see why the idea is attractive as when DD comes home from school she is more likely to say to her sister " If you don't do ....a, b, c.... I'll punch you in the face".

I don't use threatening language at home or talk about punching so I can only assume this is the sort of thing they say in the playground.

My three year old dd spent two weeks in deep Polish snow clad in a fairy dress, my friend's tunic top and another friend's leopard print shawl. She did wear her pink wellies though.

Because of course that's exactly what happens in school all the time

I think unconditional parenting is popular for parents who are frightened that their childs love for THEM is conditional and are overly worried about upsetting them.
You can convince yourself that its because you have respect for your children, but teaching them that they dont have to have respect for you or anyone else.