Unconditional parenting peeps - WWYD in this situation?

[substitutemycokeforgin]

Or what would you have done, rather ... I know it's trivial in the scheme of things, but had a horrible situation with DD (7) yesterday. We were getting in the car to drive to a country park, she wouldn't put her wellies on as her siblings had done, but insisted on wearing her trainers. Recently she's been finding excuses not to wear her wellies, and wearing her trainers instead in all sorts of unsuitable muddy places and bringing them home a filthy wreck. I've had enough of this - she's not the one who has to clean them.

I said she could wear her trainers in the car but we needed to bring her wellies to wear in the park as it would be muddy. I don't think she really responded at this point, which was probably where the whole thing went wrong - I didn't get express agreement from her beforehand ... Anyway, cue arriving in the park, damp muddy day, and she refused point blank to put on the wellies. I explained that I wasn't prepared to wash muddy trainers yet again, shortening their life, when she has perfectly good wellies. We all wanted to get out of the car and into the park, including her, and I was urging her to think about it and do the right thing. I know she knew that by taking the wellies with us, that meant I expected her to wear them in the park. I tried to establish why she didn't want to wear them - made her legs uncomfortable, apparently, so I suggested getting long thick knee socks to avoid this, but she wouldn't agree to this either. In the end we turned round and drove home. I was calm with her and didn't shout, but made it clear what I expected her to do. But the day obviously didn't end well.

So I think I messed up, and I'm just looking for opinions/advice thrown into the ring here, really, on what I should have done instead without using bribes, punishments, rewards etc. Also, do you lovely UP people know of any dedicated forums for UP/AP parents? Thank you!!

[Hullygully]

YOU MEAN YOU LIED TO ME, FUNNYS?

EVEN ABOUT SYRIA?

the lesson I have learnt is: trust no one, especailly women in little blue headscarves pushing carts.

[Auntmaud]

Yes, he has obviously decided to be unchosen.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

not Syria Hully, I am very anti that whole area

[Hullygully]

sorry aunt maud, I couldn't resist

[Auntmaud]

You're a bad girl Hully. A very bad girl.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

HULLY, NO NEED TO SHOUT AT ME. THE SYRIA THING WAS ALL IN YOUR HEAD

and tsk about the Pope. Bad form I say

[FunnysInLaJardin]

and now the other UP thread has been deleted. Keep yer heads down folks or come the am you will be a mere smear with an amusing footnote on the boards of MN

[BoundandRebound]

Poor child

Poor siblings

[substitutemycokeforgin]

Ooh, what thread was deleted??

[ScottyDoc]

Well what a funny old day this has been I'll have a and a gaviscon before bed methinks. Evening all and regards.

[Gomez]

Oh fuck off. I was planning my answer whilst reading through this thread. Get to the end to find it has been hijacked. Bastards. I had value to add.

[ScottyDoc]

Think the UP took slight offence to my POV (predictably) so deletion was inevitable. Really am off to bed now. Ta ta

[ouryve]

OP - she won because she didn't want to go in the first place.

I don't unconditionally parent, but the boys have ASD and DS1 has features of pathological demand avoidance, which to most people means that he has a real need to feel in control. He lacks the empathy for me to even consider UP with him, but in return for me teaching him to be reasonable, I have to be reasonable with him. Part of that is making sure I don't force him into footwear that hurts him. And white trainers?! Never in a million years.

[Gwlondon]

Don't know loads about UP but I did notice:

• you did punish DD by leaving
  
• you would punish her if you had made her clean shoes after getting them dirty
  
• you were trying to control her behaviour because you didn't want dirty shoes
  

I have no idea what would be a good UP approach. I think I would have let her get her shoes dirty, you don't clean them and neither ask DD. My reasoning is that dirty shoes are not as important as you think they are when your ultimate aim in UP is "love" towards DD.

I haven't read loads on UP, so my thoughts were based on a small amount of reading.

[seeker]

Welly thing- I would have left the child in the car with her book and a phone and told her to ring when she wanted to put her wellies on and join her siblings.

Coat thing- I would have told him either he wears the other one, or he buys himself a coat from a charity shop with his own money. I always found having to spend your pocket money on something concentrated the mind wonderfully.

This is with the cool vision of hindsight. There is noting to say that I wouldn't have shrieked like a banshee orcrumpled like wet cardboard in either scenario in reality.

[substitutemycokeforgin]

A couple of people have suggested leaving her in the car with a phone and getting her to call when she was ready. Good idea, but we only had one phone with us - mine! Plus, the signal is often nonexistent in that country park ...

[exoticfruits]

She did win. If she really wanted to go she would have put the wellies on. If you parked next to grass and let the others out, in the hope she might want to join in, she had won. There were 4 of you in the car -and one dictated what happened. She dictated because she made the fuss, the siblings lost out because they didn't make a fuss. You lost out because you were more concerned with not upsetting the wilful one than the other 2- they didn't make a fuss and so they were taken home.
If you want to be fair to all I would hold some family meetings where you discuss decisions and outcomes. I would sit down and discuss it with all 3 together. All have time to talk. How did DC1and DC2 feel, what do they think should have happened? Had DC3 thought about them? Did she care? What would be the way to do it next time? Did you ever discuss it with the others- or was it just left -because they are reasonable?
As far as I can see it is like making a whole class miss playtime because a few children misbehaved. Three children went home because one child wouldn't do as they were asked.
Even if you don't admit that one won - it is patently obvious that 2 lost!

[GirlOutNumbered]

CAn someone point me to the post where it explains UP? I have no idea what this is....

[substitutemycokeforgin]

I accept the outcome wasn't satisfactory - this is why I posted in the first place! But I don't think shouting "PUT YOUR WELLIES ON!" would have been satisfactory, either. Was just looking for opinions. Luckily I don't give a stuff about the thread derailers

[Takver]

Girloutnumbered - there's a summary of UP here

Ouryve "but in return for me teaching him to be reasonable, I have to be reasonable with him" - as I say, I don't 'do' UP, but this is the no. 1 thing for me (that's not aimed at you, OP, but at the shouters!)

[HairyPotter]

I was one of the posters who said she 'won'. What I meant by that was, she didn't want to wear her wellies, and she didn't wear her wellies. Hence she was in control and she won.

I wouldn't have shouted, I would have left her in the car with dh as I said ^ up thread.

[exoticfruits]

You are just very lucky that 2 of the DCs are reasonable and non demanding. What would you have done if they started crying and said 'it's not fair-we have our wellies on' -or if they tried to wrestle the trainers off?
I hate any system where the noisiest, and most demanding, dictates the outcome and the rest fall in because they don't make life as unpleasant.

[givemeaclue]

Under the parameters of UP the solution would have been to let her ruin the trainers and deal with the consequences.

Sensibly, op didn't let that happen. Not so sensibly, the whole family was punished by forfeiting their trip out, under the auspices of UP but in reality lazy parenting that opts for the path of least resistance ie the badly behaved child dictates the agenda.

[substitutemycokeforgin]

Hairy, DH wasn't there - it was just me and the kids! I didn't want to leave DD out of sight and we only had one phone, as I've said.

Yes, exotic, I don't know what I would have done if the others had got upset. Which was why I was on here asking for opinions.

[substitutemycokeforgin]

Givemeaclue, I think you need to avail yourself of a clue, about UP .