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Original poster

if you have shedloads of help with your kids are you missing out?

147 replies

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/04/2006 08:48

met someone at the weekend with a 2 year old and a baby. I said something about it being hard work. And she said that she has someone one come and help her everyday for 6 hours a day. The helper comes at 1 - having picked the 2 year old up from nursery! So basically it looks like this woman is never on her own with 2 kids. I later overheard her husband go on about how amazing she was and how you wouldn't realise she had a 9 week old. [don;t know why I cared about that but it did niggle me, I felt like knocking on his head and asking if he would like to join the real world Grin]. On one level I do think, well if you can afford to make life easier why not, but on the other hand is tehre a smidgeon of benefit - a sense of achievement if nothing else - from the hard work? when dd2 was born I had about 12 hours a week when dd1 went to a childminder, reduced to 6 when dd2 was about 3 months. I do think it made an enormous difference. But if you take it to a certain level are you missing out on something? or am I an arse?

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hunkermunker · 10/04/2006 08:50

Atm, I'd cheerfully hand over both children to the binman so I could go upstairs, lie down on my front and not open my eyes for 100 hours.

But I think you have a point.

Must go, can hear the dustcart.

katzg · 10/04/2006 08:51

i'd love someone to come in and give me a hand but only with the housework side of things, so someone to cook clean and most importantly keep the washing going through the machine! and that would give me more time to be with my 2!

If the help is coming in and taking over looking after the children then yes she is missing out!

morningpaper · 10/04/2006 08:51

I agree with you, hatlady

It pissed me off when people think that being a SAHM-with-help is ANYTHING LIKE being a SAHM-without-help.

Weekends when DH is home are a piece of piss. If my life was like that all the time I'd feel like the queen of england

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ItalianJob · 10/04/2006 08:52

I don't think that this lady is missing out, as it would appear from your description that she is with the children at home with the help. If you can afford this level of support, then good on you.

Pruni · 10/04/2006 08:53

Wha'? Missing out on what exactly? The endless bone-aching mindless tiredness?
No, i would gladly have congratulated myself on being sensible enough to get some help in and been eternally grateful if I could have afforded it.
The husband needs a slap, btw.

hunkermunker · 10/04/2006 08:54

Mind you, I want a big medal for doing it without help.

Ha.

Not a chance.

I want Mary Poppins to show up shortly.

FairyMum · 10/04/2006 08:56

No, I don't think she is missing out. I know lots of people who have plenty of help, mostly from their family. I think it depends on personal circumstances. Some people might genuinly need more help than others for whatever reason.

hunkermunker · 10/04/2006 08:57

She might have PND and be presenting her brave face to the world.

morningpaper · 10/04/2006 08:58

oh yes I agree - all she is missing out on is Groundhog Day

But is her life easy compared with a lift without help - YES

Am I wildly jealous - YES

poppadum · 10/04/2006 08:59

Ah, we have had this discussion already. The general MN consensus was : why have children at all if you don't want to wipe their bottoms, clean up their messes, and do the school run every single day? Grin

Of course, there are some unnatural mothers/lazy cows like me who get no sense of achievement from any of this, don't feel like we are missing out on anything and will continue to get as much help as we can afford.

Original poster
thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/04/2006 09:00

missing out on what - can't quite put my finger on that - I think that's why I asked. I think it might be missing out on a near universal experience that provides you with an ability to chat to mums from all over; missing out on the hard bits that make the good bits seem even more amazing; maybe missing out on feeling proud of yourself, thinking "I did that". maybe it's like getting to the top of Snowdon. You can walk it, on your tod, in flip flops (downright stupid); you could go it alone, well equipped; you could have a guide and someone to carry your racksack; you could take the fenciular railway; or you could hire a helicopter to plonk you at the top. Neither the first nor the last options are for me.

OP posts:
FairyMum · 10/04/2006 09:01

We don't know if its easier. Is she up all night with a baby who never sleeps? Does her husband help out at all? Is she suffering from PND?

morningpaper · 10/04/2006 09:01

oh no that's crap

I'm in the Hilton's best suite when I can pay the bill

ItalianJob · 10/04/2006 09:02

or possibly she suffered from PND last time, so is very sensible getting plenty of support from the start this time in the hopes of preventing a reoccurence.

morningpaper · 10/04/2006 09:03

why is everyone trying to justify this by saying 'she might be ill' etc

lots of people get HELP - I'm sure we all would if we could afford it, it's not WRONG

ItalianJob · 10/04/2006 09:04

I don't feel that any particular 3 or 6 month stint is representative of parenthood as a whole anyway. That there is so much more to it than the hellishly difficult newborn days.

Original poster
thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/04/2006 09:04

I don't really want to analyse - or criticise - this woman. I don;t know anything about her tbh. It just seemed quite extreme and raised interesting questions (I know it's been done before) that I though I would float here. having said that it possibly didn;t help that I was, at the time, surrounded by people who didn;t really have much idea about real life. There was lots of champagne.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 10/04/2006 09:06

Only speaking from my own experience, MP. Sorry.

mesenfantsmaman · 10/04/2006 09:06

Thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat- I know exactly where you are coming from, I really like your Snowdon analogy

morningpaper · 10/04/2006 09:08

not criticising, Hunker

When Mary Poppins shows up here I will give you a call

She can stay downstairs with the kids and I'll nip upstairs with Dick van Dyke

morningpaper · 10/04/2006 09:08

and I want a medal for doing it alone

and a nice solitary island to spend my retirement on

poppadum · 10/04/2006 09:08

The Snowdon analogy is a good one, except there are some of us who don't want to climb mountains and woiuld prefer to saunter through the dales instead.

mesenfantsmaman · 10/04/2006 09:09

Personally wouldn't say it was wrong, but having worked with someone who had this kind of help I would say her parenting experience was different to mine

morningpaper · 10/04/2006 09:09

I don't think it's extreme - solitary parenting is a very new phenomena and pretty much restricted to our culture and time

I don't think it's great for parents OR children

misdee · 10/04/2006 09:13

if i could afford daily help then i would takwe it.

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