if you have shedloads of help with your kids are you missing out?

[thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat]

met someone at the weekend with a 2 year old and a baby. I said something about it being hard work. And she said that she has someone one come and help her everyday for 6 hours a day. The helper comes at 1 - having picked the 2 year old up from nursery! So basically it looks like this woman is never on her own with 2 kids. I later overheard her husband go on about how amazing she was and how you wouldn't realise she had a 9 week old. [don;t know why I cared about that but it did niggle me, I felt like knocking on his head and asking if he would like to join the real world ]. On one level I do think, well if you can afford to make life easier why not, but on the other hand is tehre a smidgeon of benefit - a sense of achievement if nothing else - from the hard work? when dd2 was born I had about 12 hours a week when dd1 went to a childminder, reduced to 6 when dd2 was about 3 months. I do think it made an enormous difference. But if you take it to a certain level are you missing out on something? or am I an arse?

I'm in Australia, no family here, Dd 3 goes to daycare 2 days a week, and it's SO nice to have the day just with Ds 9 months. We have no help with the cleaning, but then I'm more slummy than yummy on the mummy front. What keeps me sane is going to work. We are incrediably lucky in that Dp and I can work opposite shifts at the same place ( both psych murses), so I probably do 3 shifts a week...I just need to break from the kids to be able to enjoy being with them. It's SO hard sometimes I'd happily put them up for auction on ebay. Then some days it's just fantastic and we have a ball.
As a child our dad used to drag us on camping holidays to sunny Wales and the like. He tried to make us " earn our hiking boots" by climbing Mt Snowdon.....cruel sod, I must have been about 5! Some other humane walker took pity and gave me a shoulder ride most of the way. I'd love to go back and ride up!

People who criticise others for having help........... are just jealous.

Haven't had time to read the whole thread, but speaking a a sahm who has one 6 month old (two cats but they're no hassle) and a disabled husband, and who struggles immensley at times, just with the one teensy weensy ds, I take my hat off to anyone who has the balls to pay for all the help she needs (if she can afford it). I think that there can be a real stigma about asking for and subsequently paying for help. Despite existing on benefits, I pay someone £10 a week to help with the cleaning, and I can honestly say it's the best £10 I spend in any given week. My reasoning is that I would rather do without much in the way of holidays / new clothes for a bit and pay for the help I need while I can. I know that some of my contemporaries think I am a wuss because of this, but I know just how much I struggle in my own head, and I know how unhappy my childhood was because my mother suffered with depression. I will do anything I can to prevent it happening to me/my ds. However, I don't present as depressed usually, and most people tend to think I breeze through............ how wrong we can be!!!

I think her husband is lovely to praise her. Having a young baby is hard enough when it's the only child, but when you have a 2 yr old to look after as well .......now that's hard work. 2 yr olds are relentless and some of them don't sleep in the day (which means mum can't nap when baby naps).Don't see anything wrong with the paid help. If I could afford it with next baby I'd gladly pay it.

I just think that we shouldn't judge, which is amazingly hard to do. I speak as someone who looked after 2 children, 2 years apart, on my own, husband who worked long hours - I found it incredibly hard work, and had no help at all really beyond playgroup for the eldest. With my third child I made extensive use of a private nursery - at one point he went 5 mornings a week - simply because I would have cracked up if I hadn't. My fourth child goes to nursery 2 full days a week while I do an MA and volunteer because I have found I need a break if I am to maintain my mental health.I love having children and do the majority of work looking after them but feel it shouldn't be a competitive thing.I have found I get a bit of an odd reaction from people when they discover she goes 2 days - almost as if this is very indulgent. We all have our different limits - FWIW I wish I had had more help when the first two were younger and I might have enjoyed it all a bit more.

i just wish had more family around to help. Having dh gone every week day from 6am to 8pm and no other family near [apart from elderly dad whose company i really appreciate when he's around] being a SAHM can be very isolating i find. I think the breakdown of the extended family is a real problem. If I could afford help i would consider it just to relieve the isolation probably.

I haven't read all this thread but....
I am a single, working mum wih three boys and am lucky enough to have my family around to look after them while i work. I get school holidays off and really enjoy looking after them. I was a SAHM for a while and would love to be again but £ says otherwise. Yes, you need a break. No, you cannot do it alone and by yourself and stay happy 100% of the time. I made the most of mother and toddler groups and made some really good friends to help with babysitting, girls nights out etc. Do what you are comfortable with Ruty. xxx

I just feel very . I have 3 kids with no help 7 days a week. ds is eldest but has special needs, then 3 year old dd and a baby. I think I'd be a lot calmer and less ratty if I had help. Have been awarded 4 hours a fortnight (pathetic isn't it) and 4 hours weekly for after school club for ds1 through social services. not nearly enough and to be honest people in those situations are just like on another world to me. Definately get a sense of achievement on good days though.

I am a work from home mum and we have a full time nanny. I couldnt run our business without this as we have no family near by and my DH is away 2-3 nights a week. I do feel that i have the best of both worlds - I get to play with the kids and take them out and I do interesting work. Our nanny generally mucks in with the boys house business etc and we often share a glass of wine at the end of the day. In reality she makes up for the extended family we dont have round here. I think everyone needs some form of help be it family or otherwise just to keep them sane. At the moment the boys are doing playdough in the kitchen and I am doing the invoicing

Oooh I have an almost 3 year old (in June) & baby 2 due in Aug. I am seriously considering a mothers help for 6-8 weeks.

My DH is fab & does loads, but we are both tired ( he work full time, I work 3 days a week) & we don't have any family nearby to just pop in & give us a break for an hour or so.

Perhaps the DH was refering to her figure/looks etc, rather than her parenting skills ?

When my boys were younger I worked 3 days a week(long hours),then on my days off was with them for long hours on my own.
I found things to do with them and made the most of it,but I was still bl**dy exhausted. I supose we could have afforded some help,perhaps a cleaner, but DH and I didn't really want other people in our home.The boys went to nursery 2 days a week while I was at work,and I really didn't want them looked after by anyone,other than DH or myself,for anymore than that.
That was our chose,we feel we did the best for our children and now they are older I'm so pleased I had that time with them.However,I sometimes feel I have missed out,because I was so tired and busy.I feel if I'd had some help,either paid for or from family, then I may have had more time to appriciate my children.

home with lots of help? sounds idyllic to me

Can´t help mulling over this thread while I´m doing the ironing. Is the implication of what thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat said that motherhood HAS to be hard and HAS to be an isolated and isolating experience to be the genuine thing? Shouldn´t it be more joyous than drudgery? I´ve never had any help or contact with my family since my toddler was born and think I would have got more out of the experience with another woman present. The mother is always the responsible one, even if sb else can help look after the child.
Another thing that comes to mind: when I worked in an office and was constantly working overtime or on call, well I got sb else in to help out through that busy period. Is the implication here that mothers don´t deserve help and should get on with things uncomplainingly?

Maybe what was niggling you, hatlady, was our inherent sense in the UK that 'you get out what you put in'.

I take all the points about isolated nuclear families being a relatively new phenomena, and that different women need different levels of help for various reasons, but I've certanly found it to be true that the more you put into any job, the more satisfaction there is to be derived from it.

Having said that, all work and no play...

thanks rainbow. i adore my ds and we've only been in this area for a year. Both he and i find mother and baby groups a bit manic but we are slowly making a few contacts. Takes time though.

I think it depends on how the help is used. There is help in the 'You do the cleaning/take the toddler to the park/mind the baby while I feed the baby/cook/take the toddler swimming sense', and there is help in the 'you do everything while I get a pedicure/buy some useless antique' sense.

haven't followed all teh thread but I DO NOT think parenting HAS to be hard. and I specifically said I was not being judgemental or critical. - see what I said about Snowdon - and the various ways in which you can get to the top, none of which are "better" - but all just different.

Thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat - you have to bloody follow the whole thread, woman - you started it!

When I had dd, my ds was 23 mnths. We had an au pair for the first 3 mnths of dd's life just because I wanted to make the transition from one to two easier for all of us.

I never left either of the children on their own with the au pair, she just came round with us during the day & looked after one or other child when both needed attention at once e.g. while I was breastfeeding. She was only meant to do 5hrs but usually sepnt the whole time with us because she liked it so much (her words). It meant that we had a lovely summer doing lots of things we couldn't have done otherwise (we don't have a car so travel with 2 was quite tricky at first). She also did a few menial jobs like the washing up & hanging out the washing on the line.

I used my maternity pay to pay for her. It was the best money I ever spent and I felt much more confident when she went home and I had to cope on my own.

I know it was a luxury but in my defence I can say that we have no relatives nearby so no one to give even an hour or two's respite.

I can see where you're coming from hatlady but I say if you can afford it its worth it. It sounds like Mr Smug Husband was the one who really got your goat.

Having said that I think an au pair was the only option I would consider - I really didn't want to send DS off to a nursery as I didn't want him to feel that now that DD had come along he was surplus to requirements.

And why are mums not allowed pedicures? There is a real martyr syndrome about motherhood and not one that I subscribe to as life is too short. I don't give up things for Lent either. There is this thing about making things hard for oneself - whether it is going through labour without pain relief or staying with one's child(ren) 24 hours a day with no help and no break (I'm talking about those who say these women are lazy, not those who would like help but can't afford it or don't have family nearby). Why do we all have to be the same in our mothering approach? Children are not the same so why do mothers have to be?

If people can afford help good for them - whether it's so they can have a hair cut, take the kids to the park while the washing up is done or whether they use childcare so they can earn a living. If people don't want it then good for them too, it's hard work having no time to yourself.

I agree that the green eye monster probably has a lot to do with some of these posts.

hellywobs - I agree

halos are overrated

I have a 21 month old and a 10 week old and yes I find it bloody hard with no help. Have no family nearby well they are an hour away but not once has anyone asked if I would like some help.

I gave up a well paid job to be a SAHM my choice I know and in most part I love it, I think I am very possessive over my babies and don't want anyone else doing things for them. However, if I could afford it I would have some help in a shot maybe 2 hours a day someone to vacuum upstairs, hang a washing out, put washing away to allow me to spend more time with the DDs or to mind them for the odd hour so I can go to the dentists/for a haircut/or nip to the Post Office minus the double buggy. I think DP and I would benefit from the odd evening out every few months too.

I totally agree with you