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Parenting

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Original poster

if you have shedloads of help with your kids are you missing out?

147 replies

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/04/2006 08:48

met someone at the weekend with a 2 year old and a baby. I said something about it being hard work. And she said that she has someone one come and help her everyday for 6 hours a day. The helper comes at 1 - having picked the 2 year old up from nursery! So basically it looks like this woman is never on her own with 2 kids. I later overheard her husband go on about how amazing she was and how you wouldn't realise she had a 9 week old. [don;t know why I cared about that but it did niggle me, I felt like knocking on his head and asking if he would like to join the real world ]. On one level I do think, well if you can afford to make life easier why not, but on the other hand is tehre a smidgeon of benefit - a sense of achievement if nothing else - from the hard work? when dd2 was born I had about 12 hours a week when dd1 went to a childminder, reduced to 6 when dd2 was about 3 months. I do think it made an enormous difference. But if you take it to a certain level are you missing out on something? or am I an arse?

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Spacecadet · 10/04/2006 10:11

i would kill for some help.
im alone with 4 children and look like s**(t most days because im either too exhausted or dont have time to make myself look good.
my hearts racing all the time from the stress and even when i do fall into bed i have vivid dreams as there is soo much going round in my head.
i would gladly pay someone to come in and take over the housework side so that i could actually enjoy my children.

secur · 10/04/2006 10:17

argh, SC, you are me!

sorry, I think it is wrong to judge from afar! She has made her choice and that is all, what she gets/dosn't get is her business!

If you want more snot and less sleep then good luck to you, I, personally, would like a nice hunky mothers help to cook and clean all day, I am sure I can find a way to entertain his evenings and then I won't have to worry about getting out on an evening as I would not want to leave

Spacecadet · 10/04/2006 10:23

lol secur-i want a hunky home help too!!!!

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tortoiseshell · 10/04/2006 10:24

I would LOVE to have some help with the kids - my ideal would be to have some family nearby, who could do some ad hoc babysitting occasionally - we haven't had a babysitter in over a year - or help with the logistics of children needing to be in different places, or just take the children when I need to get my hair cut or something (which I do about once a year atm), and have to take the children with me!

Don't know if this lady is 'missing out' but not sure there's anything to be gained from being shattered the whole time - perhaps she feels the time she gives the children is better quality, because she is fresher.

secur · 10/04/2006 10:24

expatinscotland · 10/04/2006 10:28

You're only missing out if you think you are. If others are happy w/their set-up, who the hell cares?

lazycow · 10/04/2006 10:36

What is the problem with this? I think getting someone to pick up the 2 year old is a fantastic idea especially when you have another young baby.

I assume she drops the two year old at nursery so she does spend some time with two children alone. When she is at home with her two children she has another adult there. I know from my time with ds when dh is there I am a much better more relaxed parent. 1 adult 1 child is a great ratio and in my opinion gives you a more relaxed and dare I say it better parenting experience. However many of us can't afford that so we get by. That doesn't mean we are better parents because we can't afford or don't want help.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2006 10:37

FWIW, my 2-year-old LOVES to play w/other children her age. If I could afford it, I'd send her to a private nursery a couple of mornings a week. Can't wait till she starts nursery in Autumn. She even says 'nursery! nursery!' all the time.

It's nice to be able to spend time w/the baby on her own, too.

Bink · 10/04/2006 10:38

Do you know, I was just thinking about this from a different angle.

I have a basically full time office job (only "basically" full time because I have an extra unpaid leave arrangement which allows me to take time off in the school holidays). When I'm working we have a nanny, weekends and when I'm off in school holidays it's mostly down to me. So I have lots of help when it's needed but do things myself a lot too.

And I'm perfectly capable with my own children. BUT I am totally at sea looking after other children - my children's friends - because playdates and everything like that are weekday, term-time, routine things, which happen when our nanny's in charge. I do think that if I were at home that would be a skill I'd have picked up by now.

So maybe what I'm saying is that there's more to being a mother than just being competent at caring for your own children.

rummum · 10/04/2006 10:38

The woman my MIL does for had a son about the same time as me... she was saying how well she's coping...
I said I'm not supprised.. her mother has moved in for 3 week and she's got you to do her cleaning....
I've got a 21 month old, a new baby, and no help!! and my MIL said.. you know your right.. I hadn't thought of that... then MIL offered to do some shopping for me

JoolsToo · 10/04/2006 10:55

depends on your definition of 'shedloads'. If it means you see your kids for 2 hours a day, then I guess you are missing out.

On the other hand if you're run ragged and you can get someone to take over for a couple of hours it will make you all the more the lovely mummy when you step back into the fray.

Issyfit · 10/04/2006 11:26

"And I'm perfectly capable with my own children. BUT I am totally at sea looking after other children - my children's friends - because playdates and everything like that are weekday, term-time, routine things, which happen when our nanny's in charge. I do think that if I were at home that would be a skill I'd have picked up by now."

That's a very good point Bink. I'm in exactly the same position and whilst I'm used to having other children around, it's rarely without their parents. I think this will probably change as DD1 gets older and has more weekend playdates with her schoolfriends.

Anyway, you can't have everything in life. OK, I don't know how to manage a playdate, but I'm bl**dy fabulous at unjamming the photocopier.

lucykate · 10/04/2006 11:29

'shedloads of help' - yes. i think you would be missing out.

a little bit of help - no, you wouldn't. a break occassionally is as good for them as it is for you

LadyTophamHatt · 10/04/2006 11:52

OK, skimmed through the thread, so don't know if in agreeing with you all and about to start a massive bloody hoo-haa.

I've pretty much never had any help with my 3 kids, the odd hour or so here and there for 1 or 2 of them but can't ever remember someone other that me or Dh having all 3 for any length of time other than the 1 or 2 times we've been out when they've been in bed, asleep.
I may be cutting my nose off to spite my face but I (and Dh)take full credit for bringing my kids up. I don't want someone else to do it, it's my job. If they are naughty I tell them off, if they are good I praise them. I hate the thought of someone else doing it.
Even if we had the money I wouldn't want someone else doing it.

GDG · 10/04/2006 12:04

Ditto LTH

poppadum · 10/04/2006 12:09

This is exactly why the phrase "each to her/his own" was invented. though I find it is very rarely applied to the raising of children.

Caligula · 10/04/2006 12:11

I think most generations of women in human history haven't been expected to do it all by themselves, tbh. They've lived in communities where they are constantly together with other mothers and children and nobody thought it odd if you took care of someone else's child (got them a drink or whatever) at the same time as your own, or vice versa. Doing everything without any help from anyone else is a very new phenomenon and expectation.

tyedye · 10/04/2006 12:11

I have four kids and NO help,my ma couldnt give a monkeys.Balance would be good,for me even an hour a week would be a godsend.

milward · 10/04/2006 12:13

I've got 4 kids & no childcare help - would love a break sometimes - just to be me. Other mums I know have nannies & au-pairs! - they look well rested & do loads. I look haggard & tired out!

poppadum · 10/04/2006 12:15

and being expected to do it alone, I think, is why so many women in the West are on anti-depressants and have PND while it is practically unknown in many other countries where extended family is around to help.

moondog · 10/04/2006 12:17

God yes poppadum.
Life in Eastern Turkey (where dh works) often seems a bit grim to me (ie people with shedloads of kids) but there are always cousins,aunties,grandma and sisters around to help out.
Noone is all alone in a house with a new baby for hours on end like us lot.

milward · 10/04/2006 12:19

Agree with the extended family bit - I've no other family where I am - they'd have to make a big journey to get here - if I had a relative down the road who could help it would be wonderful - aslo for the kids.

TinyGang · 10/04/2006 12:21

I liked the Snowdon analogy too - made me think of the irorning. Yes, I'd like shedloads of help with that

I've aways been grateful for any help. I had to learn to accept it though. In the beginning I thought I should want to do it all myself and enjoy every minute. Life is not like that. I feel very sorry for those that get no help at all. Having children is wonderful but much of it can be grindingly hard without help. Who is to say how much is too much? We are all different. Maybe the woman in OP's post has terrible PND and needs this just now.

blueshoes · 10/04/2006 12:22

I had my mother live with us for about a year during my maternity leave when dd was an infant (dd had health problems then). It did make things easier on the childcare front because I could have a shower without dd screaming for me or go out for a haircut. But I am always the mother and I did not feel any less connected to dd because my mum was there. I can say that because my mother has gone back home to live and I am comparing the 2 experiences. If I had 2 children, help would be even more vital so I did not have to drag baby around just to drop dd off at nursery or drag 2 tired children to the shops. Wiping bottoms, cooking meals and the constant drudge of mothering is nothing. What is stressful is the juggling, the feeling that you have to do a million things at once with children nipping at your heels. That, every mother could use some help for. It does not make a woman any less of a mother because the stress of juggling is taken away. It would make me a darn sight less snappy as well.

moondog · 10/04/2006 12:24

BS,yes it is the juggling (much as I hate that word) Dh home after a lnog stint away and I just feel like a much nicer more relaxed person knowing there is backup.

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