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Parenting

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Original poster

if you have shedloads of help with your kids are you missing out?

147 replies

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 10/04/2006 08:48

met someone at the weekend with a 2 year old and a baby. I said something about it being hard work. And she said that she has someone one come and help her everyday for 6 hours a day. The helper comes at 1 - having picked the 2 year old up from nursery! So basically it looks like this woman is never on her own with 2 kids. I later overheard her husband go on about how amazing she was and how you wouldn't realise she had a 9 week old. [don;t know why I cared about that but it did niggle me, I felt like knocking on his head and asking if he would like to join the real world ]. On one level I do think, well if you can afford to make life easier why not, but on the other hand is tehre a smidgeon of benefit - a sense of achievement if nothing else - from the hard work? when dd2 was born I had about 12 hours a week when dd1 went to a childminder, reduced to 6 when dd2 was about 3 months. I do think it made an enormous difference. But if you take it to a certain level are you missing out on something? or am I an arse?

OP posts:

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MissChief · 10/04/2006 09:14

tons of people take it for granted that they get loads of help from family - so much so they probably don't even classify it as "help" IYKWIM..casual babysitting, mum/sibling dropping by taking older kid to park/cleaning up/cooking/babystting etc; others have to pay for same advantage, obviously still others can't afford to pay and have no-one else to help out..Personally, don't judge by what help people get but mighty of those who get a lot. Certainly don't think they're somehow less of a mum. Why the hell do we have to be super-mum about it?! Life can be hard enough anyway..

Enid · 10/04/2006 09:15

I started a thread about women I know who had full time child carers despite not working and only having 2 kids

I think a bit lazy but in retrospect I think I may have started that after feeling very irritated. One of them is always telling me I look tired and can't I get my childminder (who comes to my house one day a week when I work) to do more hours (er no I can't afford it). She looks at me pityingly too so obv that really pisses me off

MissChief · 10/04/2006 09:16

..and as someone whose kids have indifferent aunts/uncles and distant grandparents I certainly buy in all the help I can for the sake of my sanity.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

MissChief · 10/04/2006 09:18

enid - how insensitive, I'd have been seething! f/t care if you're a SAHM is a completely different scenario - bloody lazy IMO!

Pollyanna · 10/04/2006 09:18

I think she is very lucky. i have had help since I had my 4th child, but before then was on my own with 3 children under 5 (and no family/dh working long hours). I don't feel I have missed out on anything this time, but have had an opportunity to get some space and sanity and it makes all the difference.

moondog · 10/04/2006 09:19

There is no mother in the entire world who couldn't do without a bit of help.
If it's offered or buyable then frankly turning it down is a no brainer.

WigWamBam · 10/04/2006 09:19

I'd love shedloads of help. Groundhog day can be very over-rated. Getting loads of help might also mean I got a night out more than twice a year.

Tommy · 10/04/2006 09:21

my SIL is a bit like this - children go to childminders every day even though she only works 4 days (she needs the other day to do all her housework and shopping apparently)but, as soon as the childminder is on holiday, SIL hotfoots it down to her mother's with the children. I'm not sure she has ever looked after both of them for longer than a weekend. Her choice I suppose though not we do.
I like the Snowdon thing as well

poppadum · 10/04/2006 09:25

The question the other thread never answered, and which I bet this thread can't either: what's so wrong with being lazy?

My family is thousands of miles away, but even if they lived next door, I would rather use paid help if I could afford it. That way, I don't have to worry about whether I was putting them out.

harpsichordcarrier · 10/04/2006 09:26

personally I think there is a difference between help you pay for and help/support/care given in the context of a family relationship or friendship.
I also think that - though you might not be missing out exactly, you have a different relationship with your children if you have a primary responsibility for them the majority of the time. Just because you share everything and there is no substitute.
which is not to say that I wouldn't sppreciate more help

MissChief · 10/04/2006 09:28

well, lazy as in "can't be bothered doing more than bare minimum with my kids" or lazy as in
"hell, I need some time off before I crack up and so i've got the energy to cope with them again"?

tigermoth · 10/04/2006 09:29

I think the woman is missing out if she feels uable to cope with her two children alone for a whole day, through lack of practise. It would be sad if she felt totally dependent on the help of a paid outsider.

If the woman feels confident about looking after both children for a day (and has done so) but chooses to have help, then good luck to her.

As her baby is only 9 weeks old, perhaps this six hours help a day thing is temporary, anyway.

Enid · 10/04/2006 09:30

good point tigermoth

FioFio · 10/04/2006 09:31

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FioFio · 10/04/2006 09:31

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FairyMum · 10/04/2006 09:34

I don't think it's so strange to feel unble to cope alone with 2 very young children and 1 is just a baby. Perhaps she feels lonely or perhaps she is an anxious person who is worried about being left alone with her children? These are all such taboo-feelings I thinkbut you see plenty of them on MN. Weather is has help just because she CAN or because she relaly needs it, then I am happy for her!

LittleSarah · 10/04/2006 09:36

I would also feel invaded, so that kind of help wouldn't be for me. I like her at the nursery or with me!

I get a lot of help from family and friends - which is fantastic and really makes my life easier - and she is at nursery two and half days a week (while I am at uni) but I still CANNOT get all the cleaning done! Pathetic.

poppadum · 10/04/2006 09:37

Well, I have coped with my children without any help, and I have coped with them with help. I am pretty confident I can do both, but I know which one I would prefer doing, and I know which one my children would prefer.

Kittypickle · 10/04/2006 09:37

I would have killed for help, paid or unpaid. I think she is missing out, on the horrible, boring, drugery bits of it that I could well have done without. Completely agree with morningpaper about this solitary parenting bit.

I think being totally on your own, with absolutely no back up or help is a complete nightmare and I am so glad that DS is going to play school for a couple of sessions after Easter as 6 years of being at home has just about finished me off - with hindsight I would have been much better off going to work part time and do regret being a full time SAHM, but that is just my circumstances and personality. I suspect if I'd had a bit of help from somewhere I might now be feeling differently about the whole thing.

zippitippitoes · 10/04/2006 09:46

I don't think that going through a load of pain and hard work is necessarily morally better than using any help available to your best advantage...

harpsichordcarrier · 10/04/2006 09:55

I don't know if that is 100% true though zippi, in most cases. There is a sense of achievement about having done something yourself without help.
for example, passing an exam without being tutored or spoon fed.
BUT I am not sure that is appropriate in the parenting context. However, I DO think that unless you have time to yourself as a family without outd ehelp that you will never establish a normal family dynamic. which would be a shame

moondog · 10/04/2006 10:02

Well,I moved house with a 3 year old and a new born,and have been mostly on my own (working and sahm) for five years.
The 5 weeks I spent surrounded by new boxes in my new house with just the two children are probably the most terrifying and exhausting of my life.
One thing to be alone with your children,another to be alone with them somewhere unfamiliar.

However,have now stopped being a martyr and ds goes to nursery 2 1/2 days a week (1/2 day I work,the other 2 is simply to retain my sanity.)

It has improved the quality of my life no end.

coppertop · 10/04/2006 10:04

I don't get any help at all (paid or otherwise) but I don't think the woman in the OP is missing out on much tbh.

I like the idea of a dh who realises that looking after small children is not an easy life. :o

Blandmum · 10/04/2006 10:09

Last time dh and I moved , we moved to an area where I knew no-one, other than dh and dd. We had no family closer than a 2.5 hour drive and I had no friends or support of any kind. Added to that dh is in the RAF, and so was away.

I bboked dd into a creche twice a week and I needed it (as did she) for our sanity.

I also joined local play groups etc (ended up running one) and made friends. But it was a bloody hard slog. Wihtout help I would have gone under.....not all of us have the luxury of family support.

moondog · 10/04/2006 10:11

oppertop,my dh knows that heaping lavish praise on me re ability to manage house and children sooooo well when alone for long periods is the most seductive move ever.

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